TOO EXHAUSTED TO REPRESS BOTH ANGER AND SADNESS

MAN THINKING ABOUT JUST PACKING UP AND MAKING EXACT SAME MISTAKES SOMEPLACE FAR AWAY.

[cachemia]

WHAT ARE YOU ALL STILL DOING HERE. LOG OFF. GO HOME. GET A LIFE.

[cachemia]

[wexler]

that one time on Hotel Hell when Gordon Ramsay fed the owner’s dog some shitty bread and then was afraid he killed her

[unclefather]

He checked her pulse

[nest-deactivated20181209]

every episode of kitchen nightmares

head chef, who happens to be covered head to toe in centipedes and stale canola oil: i am Cobfident that chef ramsay will enjoy my food. there is nothing wrong with my food. my food is perfect, five stars. 

gordon ramsay: i will have the risotto 

head chef: ok [throws some rice into a sewer, lights it on fire, and empties a packet of frozen kraft singles into the flames] 

gordon ramsay: *takes a bite* this sucks 

head chef: Oh, so we got a bitch and a liar here? Chef Ramsey doesn’t like my food, huh? So we got a blasphemer and a false prophet here, huh? Chef Ramsay dosent know what the fuck or shit he is talking about and I’m personally about to knock him out cold with my massive ballsack.

[cachemia]

THAT SAID I WILL NOT BE DRAWING UP A SHORT LIST AT THE MOMENT, BECAUSE I HAVE MY DIGNITY AND IT WOULD INVOLVE REVEALING TO MY WIDE AUDIENCE OF 730 INACTIVE TUMBLR BLOGS AND MAYBE 17 ACTIVE ONES THAT I’M PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF CALLING ANYONE (THAT I CURRENTLY SPEAK TO AND HAS NOT DROPPED OFF THE MAP COMPLETELY, THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CAVEAT) BY NAME WITH THE EXCEPTION OF FEFERI, NEPETA, AND ERIDAN.

[cachemia]

HONESTLY I SAY THAT LIKE ANYTHING’S CHANGED BUT IT ABSOLUTELY HAS NOT. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ABOUT TWO PEOPLE I AM ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF REFERRING TO ANYONE BY NAME JUST BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW IF IT’S CORRECT. ALSO, I USED TO DO THIS THING WHERE I ONLY REFERRED TO EVERYONE BY LAST NAME SO THERE’S THIS WEIRD FORMALITY THING TIED UP IN IT WHERE I’M NOT SURE IF I HAVE, LIKE, PERMISSION TO ADDRESS PEOPLE BY FIRST NAME/NICKNAME (THANKS ALTERNIA? I ACTUALLY DON’T KNOW. MAYBE THIS IS A ME THING?). 

IF YOU STUMBLE ON THESE POSTS FAR DOWN THE LINE AND THINK “HEY, KARKAT DOESN’T ADDRESS ME BY NAME OR JUST USES MY URL. HEY, I ALSO TEND TO GO BY A NICKNAME” AND WE’VE SPOKEN MORE THAN ONCE THEN THIS ABSOLUTELY MEANS YOU. I COULD DRAW UP A SHORT LIST OF THE PEOPLE WHO I KNOW VERY WELL OR WHO FEFERI KNOWS VERY WELL THAT I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO FUCKING ADDRESS.

[cachemia]

I LOGGED ON JUST TO REBLOG THAT. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IS ON MY DASH. I HAVEN’T SAID ANYTHING MEANINGFUL HERE IN PERIGEES. BUT SWEEPS AGO WHEN I WAS A FRESH EIGHT SWEEP OLD *CHILD* WITH A SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER NUMBER OF THINGS TO FUCKING WORRY ABOUT (TWO DISCRETE MAKARAS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME, MY EX MATESPRIT, POTENTIALLY DYING ON ALTERNIA BECAUSE ENLISTMENT CAME AND I AM OFF-COLOR, ETC ETC) I STILL FOUND THE TIME TO BE ABSOLUTELY HORROR-STRICKEN AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF GETTING SOMEONE’S NAME WRONG. 

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE EIGHT SWEEP OLD ME? DID THE PETULANT SHITPAN I WAS AROUND THAT TIME SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS CONSTANTLY TERRIFIED BY THE MERE THOUGHT THAT HE WOULD CALL SOMEONE THE WRONG NAME? BECAUSE YOU’LL BE SURPRISED! I KNOW I AM! BUT THAT’S HOW IT WAS. SINCE I WAS SIGNIFICANTLY MORE POPULAR THEN THAN I AM NOW I SPENT MOST FUCKING CONVERSATIONS CHECKING AND RE-CHECKING MY CONVERSATION PARTNER’S BLOG JUUUUUUST TO BE SURE, AND THEN ULTIMATELY JUST GOING BY URL OR CALLING THEM A BULGESUCKING IGNORAMUS OR SOMETHING ANYWAY. 

[lenarise-deactivated20191107]

ok but when u wanna take the leap and call a mutual by their first name for the first time but you gotta real quick check their description, about page, birth certificate, and proof of residency papers to make sure you’re getting it right

[cachemia]

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS IS, BUT ACCORDING TO THEIR URL AND THE FACT THAT THERE ISN’T A SINGLE POST ON THEIR BLOG, I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THIS PERSON ROSE FROM THE FUCKING DEAD LIKE FUCKING HUMAN LAZARUS OR WHATEVER TO LIKE MY IMAGE SPECIFICALLY.

[cachemia]

kiilohaem:

Thiink Of IIt Thii2 Way: You’re Fiinally Blo22omiing IIntwo A 2ort-Of Re2pon2iible Adult, And You’re Dre22iing For The Part.

OH, DISGUSTING. I SUPPOSE BETWEEN THIS AND BEING AN EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED, SELF-AGGRANDIZING SHIT CANOE WITH A FUSE SHORTER THAN THE TIME IT TAKES FOR HIM TO READ A FULL POST, I GUESS THIS IS FINE. I’LL ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.

[cachemia]

THANKS.

[cachemia]

#II Mii22ed Thii2? Thii2 II2 The Mo2t 2tylii2h II've Ever 2een You.#IIt 2uiit2 You Well.#You Look Good CK. WHILE I APPRECIATE THIS COMPLIMENT, IT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. THE MINUTE FEFERI LEARNED THAT SHE COULD BODY ME INTO A NICE OUTFIT WITHOUT ME SCREAMING AND TEARING IT OFF MY HUSK INSTANTANEOUSLY WAS THE MINUTE THE FIRST HALF OF MY SWEATS-ADDICTED LIFE ENDED. I’VE HAD TO LEARN HOW TO WASH DELICATES. DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T JUST THROW EVERYTHING IN THE SAME WASH CYCLE AND DRYER? I SURE DIDN’T, BECAUSE I OWNED SWEATS, JEANS, SWEATERS, AND THE OCCASIONAL T-SHIRT FOR THE DIM SEASON.

[cachemia]

#I like howv you turned a damaged horn into a means of accessorizin#Is the plug(??) interchangable?

THANKS. AND, NO. IT’S KIND OF KEEPING MY SHIT TOGETHER UP THERE. IT’S INTERCHANGEABLE IN THE SAME WAY A GOLD TOOTH IS INTERCHANGEABLE: NOT WITHOUT A SIGNIFICANT SURGERY OR A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.

[cachemia]

FEFERI KEEPS BUYING ME CLOTHES THAT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WEAR. I REALIZE I LIVE WITH THE ACTUAL, HONEST-TO-GOD HEIRESS TO THE THRONE AND ALL, BUT I’M A FUCKING HUMBLE TROLL. I NEVER OWNED A JACKET IN MY LIFE BEFORE FEFERI GOT HER GRUBBY PRONGS ALL UP IN MY WARDROBE. I’M A STAUNCH SWEATER AND JEANS MAN, WITH THE OCCASIONAL SIDE OF SWEATPANTS. APPARENTLY, THAT’S “UNACCEPTABLE” TO WEAR TO FANCY DINNERS. WELL, FEFERI, *NEPETA* EATS WITH NOTHING BUT HER FILTHY HANDSTUBS, SO I THINK I CAN FUCKING GET AWAY WITH JEANS IF I SO WISH.

ANYWAY, FLORAL MONSTROSITY ASIDE, IT’S BEEN KIND OF A WHILE? I CANNOT IMAGINE I MISSED ANYTHING RELEVANT.

[cachemia]

ONE (1) POST OF MINE GETS REBLOGGED AND WHAT HAPPENS? I GET LIKE TEN FOLLOWERS. THANKS BUD. PAL.

[cachemia]

ALL PHYSICAL AILMENTS ARE SELF-REGULATING. FOR INSTANCE, FOR MOST OF THE WEEK I WAS SCRATCHING THE HELL OUT OF MY LOOKSTUBS, BUT NOW IT HURTS ENOUGH THAT I STOPPED. PROBLEM SOLVING!

[cachemia]

c0ckj0ckey:

STYES?

INFECTI0N?

IMPENDING BLINDNESS?

GO TO A D0CTERR0R?

PLEASE?

I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN HAVE SOMEONE PROFESSIONALLY TASKED WITH HEALING AND/OR TORTURE TO INVESTIGATE MY GANDERBULBS. THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

#IS THERE EVER N0T SHIT G0ING PHYSICALLY WR0NG WITH YOU MY G0OD DUDE

YES! IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I *DO* HAVE SHIT HAPPEN TO ME A LOT, BECAUSE MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IS SO COMPROMISED BY MY PARTICULAR GENETIC PATTERN IT MIGHT AS WELL BE THROWING A PARTY AND INVITING ALL OF THE LOCAL DISEASES 24/7.