Youâre not always going to make the ârightâ decision.
Some might even say thereâs no such thing as a right decision.
Youâll survive. Youâre not doomed.
Youâll be walking through this dark, scary place, with branches and critters poking you, wet dew seeping into your city socks, completely black sky all around you. Youâll look for stars but theyâll mean nothing, youâll ask for signs and miss them all, even the brightest one as you stare up at the moon...
Youâll be upset because you didnât pack accordingly, because you wish youâd worn wool socks and spoke to that business owner and asked that girl out and that youâd signed the lease on 12th, not 41st.
Youâll be angrily trekking through the brush, succumbing to how stupid you feel for coming out here alone, how dumb it was to leave your comfort and-
Why didnât you just stay home?
Youâre exhausted and wet and mad and bitten and calloused and bleeding and stressed and now youâre crying
Oh god now youâre crying...
Seriously man?? Get your shit together.
This is your fault, your call, your choice, you did this - YOU.
Thereâs no one to blame but YOU for being here.
And where is here anyways?? Itâs pitch black, freezing, windy... .âwhere the FUCK am I?????!â
You sat down then - I remember this part well- so youâre sitting, now. On the cold soil, the wet earth, the frosted leaves. And somehow, in this midst of your chaotic pain, you fall asleep.
You dream that you turned left back there, you dreamed about how green the grass is on the other mountains. You dream about kissing the girl you shouldâve asked out, and you dream about the job you never applied for. You dream of drowning in a guilt-laden coffin of invisible expectations, and you dream about the 5 calories you should have left behind when that scruffy man on the train offered you gum.
Suddenly 2 hands start slapping you. You canât see their faces but somehow you know their names-
One is Guilt, the other Shame
Guilt slaps you obviously, and clearly itâs your fault for sitting there while
Shame slaps you so quickly you donât see him, and so hard that you feel paralyzed.
Dear Lord now youâre awake and...
Itâs been dark and cold and void for so long but now... itâs sunny.
You feel the warmth on your cheek
You squint through the trees and rub the crusted sleep out of your eyes.
You feel your lips turn up into a smile but youâre still mad about last night-
âCos that wuz BULLshit!â
How lost you felt. How dark it was...
But your lips and eyes disagree. Your eyes are squinting in response to your lips curling and now you might be smiling.
Dear god, whatâs happening.
You remember that darkness only lasts the night..
The sun is dancing through tall trees and thick leaves and itâs beautiful.
Youâre trying to find the path you came on but youâve strayed long from it. Now youâre just standing on thick moss and fresh morning moisture. No path, no road, just potential routes onwards.
That scared you last night, in the dark. You were so upset for missing the right turn, so defeated from choosing the âwrong wayâ.
Though here you are... cold, but the sunâs warming. Scratched, but youâre healing quickly. Walking with all that you came with - your clothes and a backpack; one water bottle, 2 snacks, and a notebook. Last night you despised the tools you had, but now in the light, you sense their need. A story is on your lips. You walk on. Youâre not sure which direction youâre heading, but you know you need to walk.
You think you might be experiencing âjoyâ this morning.
As you round a cluster of trees you see a bridge.
Since youâve come from nowhere, it must be to somewhere, you figure.
And you fall to your knees, weeping, and the light continues to reflect the beauty youâre surrounded in. That which was dark last night, that which was scary, and painful; that which youâd felt lost in now feels peaceful.
It feels like progress, because you came through it.
It looks like beauty, as light bounces off greens and this bridge invites you to journey on.
Youâre tempted to kick yourself for not being optimistic in the dark, to scold yourself for not making your own way. But Shame seems to have departed in the morning light, so instead you smile and step into the bridge.
You remember that darkness only lasts during the night...
You think you might be experiencing joy.
The forest looks really beautiful in the daylight.
-And who said you were never supposed to be here?
--c.
December, 2018
Vancouver.
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