Caffeinism Poetry

poems

[caffeinism404]

manifesto

today, in defiance of my forefathers

i spit on the face of judgement

an action so cold and pitiful,

the fire is quenched in my belly

big hands reaching and always scratching

at the door with their nails

i can’t stand the sound

i turn over and look out the window instead

out the window every theme

flies past in quick succession

but nothing excites me anymore.

furthermore, it’s tedious.

this passionless shifting

keeps me up all night

how much longer in this sickbed?

can i go now? did i take enough medicine yet?

the answers grit my teeth but i bare them anyway

everything is written on my skin, it seems

i can’t hide from you or anyone

the lights are hitting my face now, too

slam my head down on your operating table

see if you can’t get to the bottom of it

see my brain as a small glass marble,

self-indulgent to the point of choking

what’ll choke me is my stubborn self-reliance

caught in the bear trap and limping forward still

trail of blood leading right to the river,

hold your breath for seven seconds longer

thousands of feet march across my skin

all crawling horizon bound

i pray every last one of them makes it

without further complication

one foot in the forest and the other in the sea

legs soaked to the kneecaps, i pray

one or the other will make up its mind

one or the other will lay claim to me

enter the world like me, shrouded in misery

another omen of stasis,

pushing the goalposts further and further

sacrifice everything you are and reabsorb it

know you are a cuckoo’s egg

know you pushed the hope for independence out of the nest

know you chained her to yourself and yourself to the nest

know the chains are eternal

[caffeinism404]

Open Confession for D

the truth is

i’ve wanted you

since i first saw you

it was march of last year

i stood outside and smoked

a cigarette with my best friend

and you nodded at me as you passed us

on your way to the station

i realized

i’d never seen someone more beautiful

in my whole life

[caffeinism404]

September

in everything i see

i see you too

not branded,

but gently etched,

outline of an outline

once, i was next to you,

when someone asked the crowd

if there were any lovers in the audience

without looking at you,

i tried to feel the entire

length of your body

through the point our

shoulders met

i’m afraid if i looked at you,

you wouldn’t look back

i’m afraid if i looked at you,

you’d look through me like glass

[caffeinism404]

Moon Lover

when i see you,

midnight light-bearer,

i always see you running,

running barefoot on the shore

tell me again how you

crashed over and over

into the face of the rock

just to prove that you’d survive

tell me again how you,

drunk on your own pride and promises,

made good on your word and

crossed the ocean in a single stroke

high tide and there you are cresting

low tide and you also recede

ebb and flow right through me,

i’m a good swimmer too

[caffeinism404]

open letter for D

when i can i try

to stare at you

as long as possible

i want

every piece mapped

facial cartography

up close, almost touching

all your features multiply

from a distance

they blur together

i couldn’t tell you where to find

any common landmass

much less show you on a map

but i could point out

each one of your freckles

with pinpoint accuracy

[caffeinism404]

bad metaphors

you: fish in the open ocean

me: still trying to reel you in

i never asked for this

once, i asked you

just to hold me

and you still put up a fight

as if i’d asked you

to separate salt from

seawater

lure tossed high into the air,

catching the light as it spins

reflecting back the scene in pieces

[caffeinism404]

Quick Description of Our Relationship

you: needle,

weaving quickly through the crowd

i: thread,

in hot pursuit to try and tie you down

[caffeinism404]

August

first

i drank my beer

with three limes

because it was summer

because it was how i wanted it

i drank it all in one go,

no loose ends here

then

you asked me

what i wanted from you

i said

nothing

i said

another beer, maybe

it’s true

for the first time, there is

nothing to want

a revelation for me,

to be alone,

moreover,

to like it

but

there you are

the contour of your face in profile

a razor thin outline

from the light in the hall

i try and try

but can’t seem to drink you

all in one go

[caffeinism404]

the feelings you’ll feel when your best friend leaves you for three months

i love these thursday afternoons

lazy on the couch

we watch the world

through your window

i’m in love, in a sense

with the way you smirk at me

always refilling my cup you say

one more,

one more.

one more never hurt anybody

and drunken weekend nights

is the only time you’re yourself

you say

“i love you too”

you say

“i’m so grateful you’re in my life”

and i eat it like it’s the only thing that will ever sustain me ever again

oh my love for you

would drown rivers into lakes

flatten mountains

oh my love for you

is competitive

it fights and claws through me

the dark side of my moon

my love for you

it emerges in the night

i lean over and i think

if i could only kiss you

if i could only kiss the soft spot between your collarbone and chest

oh my love for you

can i admit it?

i love you!

i love you!

[caffeinism404]

Day after my birthday

today i woke up surprised at the elation stirring in me,

unfathomably thankful

i was not born a jellyfish

or beetle or peach tree,

or another thing without a heart

i feel my heart beat strong

and listen to what it’s saying

what is it saying to me?

“i’m okay.”

“i’m okay.”

“i’m okay”

or maybe:

“hello.”

“hello.”

“hello.”

today it’s raining and i left the window open last night,

and for the first time in years

i am thankful for the rain

rain brings forth new life

and washes away everything

that needs to go

i leave the window open and stick my whole head out to feel each drop

thinking rain, please,

bring forth new life

and wash away everything

that needs to go

[caffeinism404]

May

regard me like a sun

i blister, i burn

radiating poison in a

thousand twisting tendrils

now hold out your hands,

to feel everything i give you

here

and here

and here

disease interloping

sacral nerve illness clusters

settling cancers

here

and here

and here

[caffeinism404]

do me a big favor please

look at us,

laying in the grass

in the sun, no less.

i look at you and think

“melt me down and spread me out on the sidewalk

cut me into twenty pieces, all bite size

and disperse them as stipulated:”

“one for you

thirteen for the holders of my heart

one for the rooftop where i lost myself halfway

one for bleecker street where i lost myself completely

one to seattle! i want to go home!

one in the hudson! home is a place that’s always on the move!

two for the basement printer and the third floor at strand, you know why.

one in a box to be opened only in the event that i find myself again.”

[caffeinism404]

prayer

no more of this sadness

that drips and drips and drips

drips slowly down from throat to stomach

slowly filling every crevice

acute pulmonary edema

drowning from the inside out

no more of this anger

that swarms in droves

swarms like hornets or locusts or dust

a hornet i am not

when I sting,

it pulls out my organs too

no more of this passion

that rises in an all-consuming wave

rises like smoke from the fire, signaling,

smoke from the cigarette

we pass back and forth

as if it makes it healthier

i want to become a river

that’s moving forward always

moving forwards and holding onto nothing

forward lies the path,

what’s behind is already distant,

almost gone.

[caffeinism404]

April

in the morning

out my kitchen window

one pigeon sits and regards me sidelong

as i fill an empty pint glass up with water

somewhere here

there’s an understanding

between the bird and me

and

on the street below

someone is screaming

someone is fighting to be heard

barely audible over endless siren cacophonies

and

every night ends the same

shotgun curb strike soldier sprays

flecks of blood on the pavement

eroding myself from myself,

sacrificial handover

and

all i can think is:

when i die please don’t bury me

a seed planted in darkness

could never find the way up

[caffeinism404]

About him, again

yes, this is life.

he holds you by the throat and you arch your back, silent, bent like when you came into this world and you count the seconds until it ends.

there is a violence in passion, lights off, no love here.

he does not look you in the eyes.

he holds you by the throat like the fisherman used to do with trout in the mountains, and you don’t stop him, because isn’t being alone worse than whatever this is?

look, there you are, on the rooftop.

look, there you are, facing the stark light of the city around you.

[poppiesandpromises]

I truly hope you

Never understand this grief

That rots from inside

[caffeinism404]

December

i barricade myself within myself, eyes open to ward off imminent attackers at night in the form of dreams.

it’s always the same. you and me on the beach and you always leave, leaving me staring at your footprints in the sand.

in the present day, you make this mark on my hand, one letter, to signify your name.

(there’s something starched about it, pressed in the sun, like my mother used to do to my shirts when she’d hang them in the backyard to dry.)

eyes open to watch the sunset and then the sunrise, no sleeping on duty. some days i feel like a tiger, striped back and forth with shame. tiger in remission, pacing around a cage i know was made a long time ago, with pieces of iron i collected in my back pocket, slowly, slowly.