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[callan-and-miller]

God was how I got through things. With out my deep commitment to his plan I probably would've committed in high school. the closer I got to him in college the more I acknowledge the possibility of my transness. now with two feet inches away from the cliff that is coming out and being Callan for real, all I can do is question him. 

if he makes everyone how they're supposed to be why do I want to change myself so much. If this vessel is precious and a gift wouldn't surgery go against everything I know. 

if gender affirming surgery saves lives and so does Jesus then what do I do. I am torn. loved no matter what but he rather certain things for you. I don't want to make the wrong choice.  am I looking for acceptance and peace in being a boy rather than him 

why can't it be both. Nothing makes sense anymore. I am lost. 

[callan-and-miller]

I am in my childhood bedroom on a rainy morning hearing the drops hit the window. In this moment I feel such peace amongst the crazy life I live. It’s like I put my life on hold for just a moment to breathe. 

[callan-and-miller]

10/20/21

I went to the field I used to go to my entire childhood to escape. Where I would drink, smoke, cry, climb the trains and dream of jumping onto one and never come back. 

Today I went there with Miller smiling ear to ear. Singing to my AirPods with freedom of knowing that little scared sad girl would be so proud of who I am letting myself become. I am not perfect or where I want to be but that little girl never thought I would make it to 18 and here I am at almost 21 grown beyond my years. singing happily with my fluffy son just happy to play fetch in the sun. 

I am tired of running from god, tired of running from who I am. I am Callan, I am 20, I play lacrosse, I have a dog named Miller who is the light of my life, I am funny, I am strong and I am a light. 

[callan-and-miller]

Today I feel incredibly proud of how far I have come. I am not apologizing for what I did, who I am, who I want to become. I feel confident for the first time in a long time. I am recognizing who I am in the mirror maybe the first time in my whole life. Most of all I am doing things that make me feel good. I posted the photo, I went home, I kissed the girl and even if these things don't work out in the end I still had the confidence to do them. To step up for myself and to put myself first. 

I have had some very high highs and some lows in the last couple of days but tonight I celebrate the distance from the valley to this top of this hill I sit on, gazing at the mountain top I know I’ll reach one day. 

[callan-and-miller]

Today I did not apologize for how I felt. Today I did not feel like the world was ending when there was a miscommunication. I think that’s because for the first time in forever the fire to put out in my life was something normal for a 20 y.o. I kissed a friend at a bar when I was drunk. that was it. Not worried about my gender, illness, the out come of friendships or run times. I just was 21 with stupid girl drama. and it’s not a big deal. 

[callan-and-miller]

To not know that love is to not yearn for it. Was it worth being loved like that for a moment just to end up yearning for it, for what feels like eternity. Ignorance is bliss but to be held and truly seen is Heaven. 

[callan-and-miller]

20s

No one tells you how lonely your 20s are. College is filled with loves and losses of all kinds, passions, family and friends. It’s impossible to know which hurts the deepest or lifts you up the highest. 

But most of my days I spend lonely at a level of 3 constantly. Like that man who lived with a level of ten pain in Greys Anatomy for years on end. I feel like him or Job from the Bible. Sitting in pain and not quite sure how to get out of it. Maybe it never will fully cease. Maybe it’s simply growing pains. Is who I want to be in my mind just a form of escapism or could I truly be happy that way. If I never try I will never find out, but if I try and I’m still at a 3, what do I have left to cling to.

I pray that this account shows growth. Compared to last year I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. But at the same time I am finally for the first time in my whole life seeing myself looking back at me. I know I am no where near fully grown. I don’t aim for this account to only be sad or inspirational or deep. I want this blog to be me, raw and unfiltered. My wants and my needs that might never get fulfilled and the pain that hits me. The good days and the joy of the things I love, Miller brings me and my craft. The mental and hopefully physical changes that are in my future. 

I guess this will be the story of my twenties. 

[callan-and-miller]

Hello my name is Callan. I spend way to much time online or doing homework or taking care of my other responsibilities at university. I wanted to get into journaling but maybe a Tumblr blog that no one will read might be more convenient. So if you’re reading this I meet you with warmth and hope you meet me with the same. I feel 15 again on this website but maybe that is a good thing.