I Ain't Exactly Miss Conginiality

I know I look nice but that's just my face. Seattle dweller.

[jaded-mandarin]

Hendrick de Fromantiou. Detail from Still Life, 17th Century.

[letskeeplifesimple]

Sometimes I get the sense that things will be okay, that soon things will get better. 

Other time I’m just like, what is this? what are we? what are we doing here? Why Am I Like This?!?!

[grace--upon--grace]

[letskeeplifesimple]

Morgan Dyer // Instagram.

[readcommendations]

[square-enix]

is anyone else just going through life like “yeah i just gotta get past this last difficult week and then it’s smooth sailing from there!” but like… every week

[dontcatchafallingknife]

[block]

[letskeeplifesimple]

It’s a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world.

Mary Oliver (via letskeeplifesimple)

[callmemisscongeniality]

It's a new year and I'm trying to get my house in order.  Not literally, because I keep that place pretty tidy.  But my metaphorical house which is usually in some level of shambles. So here we are, it's 2016 and among my many efforts to enter adulthood I'm taking stock of my relationships.

I think this might be the one time when it's okay to sit around and judge all the people in your life.  And you should be honest and critical.  Because these are the people that are going to influence how far you make it in the next year. The older I get the more I realize that I have finite resources and if I'm not smart about how I allocate those resources I'm going to end up burnt out, broke and exhausted.  So I've been looking at my plans.  What's really important to me and who is going to help me get there?

As I've been sitting around mulling this over I've realized that this is something that I DEFINITELY don't want to do.  Because it's really hard.  And here is why - because it upsets my balance.  There is at least one relationship in my life that I'm desperately attached to that I need to let go of and I don't want to, at all.  It's keeping me balanced.  But it is not keeping me healthy and it's not getting me any closer to the things I really want.  And that breaks my damn heart. Because I want it to be good and I want it to last but shit, man; facts are facts and good relationships - they make you feel good and they don't leave you confused and lonely.  So you gotta make changes.  You've got to look at all the pieces and all the people that make up your life and make cuts.  The team can only have so many players and you're trying to win something even bigger than the Super Bowl here.  So you've got to decide where to invest your energy. Who is going to pull you through and remind you of your goals when you forget and who is going to be generous and honest and tell you the things that you need to hear even when they're hard or ugly? Identify those people and etch them into your brain.  Who are you going to do this life with and who do you finally need let go of because your dreams are too big to include people who make you settle?

I'm honestly struggling with this today.  It makes my heart heavy because I like balance and I like the world I've created but damn, I know that I can do better and have better and all of that requires sacrifice.  And so I'm going to try.  I'm pursuing quality this year and I want to do EPIC shit and like the picture above says, you just can't do that with basic people.

[callmemisscongeniality]

2016

We live in a world that wants us to be unsatisfied.  The economy is powered by our desire to silence our hurting and loneliness with things that distract and offer us comfort.  It's a sad state of affairs to be sure.  I find that everywhere I look people are trying to tap into my discontent.  Maybe it's especially overwhelming as we enter a new year and everyone is looking to make improvements.   Are you unsatisfied with how you look? Are you without someone to kiss at  midnight? Did you invest too much in your work this year? Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to sell you a solution.

Just before I started writing this I scanned through Facebook and it's at least 50% advertisements.  Victoria's Secret, Nordstrom and even your friend with the direct sales "change your life biz" want my money.  All of this would be okay, I mean hell, I've got some extra money to buy shit I don't need but the alarming part is that every one of these ad's is in very specific ways telling me that I'm just not good enough.  I should look better, be more desirable, and present myself in more appealing and acceptable ways.  And, I don't know man.  Perhaps I'm just being sensitive today, I am definitely having one of those weeks but I'm feeling really sick of people telling me that I'm not good enough.  The older I get the more I just don't believe anything ever really works out like you think it will.  I've taken a turn being everything I'm supposed to and the only thing I've learned is that life is about finding balance and having a sense of humor.

 We should all pursue healthy ways of living and we should find ways to reward ourselves thoughtfully for the work that we do and I definitely want to find a partner who adds love and value to my life.  But all of those things are about efforts to pursue quality.  Dropping 15lbs won't change my reality any more than marrying someone who isn't my compliment and help mate will lead me to a happy marriage.  Sometimes in life you have to wait.  You have to work.  And you have to make a decision to put an end to the distractions. 

 That's really where I am at this year.  I want to stop feeling bad for what I don't have and spend time really reveling in where I am at, today.  I'm going to stop comparing myself.  Stop lying to myself and pretending that any external thing of any kind or form is going to do the work of making me satisfied.  This year, I'm going to pursue quality, relentlessly.  Quality people who will remind me that I'm loveable when I forget.  Quality ways to spend my time and resources - sometimes this will be a run by the water that restores my sanity and makes my muscles burn and sometimes it's going to be an expensive bottle of wine thoughtfully chosen to compliment a meal I prepared myself.  I'm going on a social media fast because feeding myself that many lies is no way to live well.  I'm going to make decisions that help me live brilliantly and that aren't influenced by the thoughts of people who are not in this fight with me and who have more to gain from my failure than my success.  I'm silencing the noise.  I'm giving up comparing myself to people I don't know and wouldn't like if I did.  I'm standing up for myself and for things and people of quality.  It won't be easy.  But it can't be any harder than constantly chasing what isn't going to last and really only leaves us feeling more empty than when we started.