How is my ana these days?
I don't know... I've been telling her over and over again, that she isn't helping me. If I can't help my health in all best ways, I won't let her destroy me. So far it's worked, I've tried affirmations and loved these. I do feel those words now that I say them, when I didn't before.
I always included in my affirmation that I loved my body, that my weight could fluctuate, that I had to eat what felt right, what I well knew what enough or wasn't. For a time, that was fake, I was repeating these in my head, really believed in empty words. Once I committed to loving me, to tell myself I was pretty, I decided to eat enough. My body began to serve more that been pretty. But I'm still obsessed every-time I see a mirror. I want to see another body.
Since I decided I wouldn't count calories anymore or try to restrict. I lost weight. It almost felt natural, I told myself my body was unveiling itself how it should be. And then? I lost weight. My mom focused on it. And what brings the most disordered thoughts are comments about my body, people talking about my body or about diets. It feels damn stupid but I kinda got to realize, I'm disordered, I'm triggered, those words put me in a fucking bad state.
Sometimes I wonder, will I ever like myself? Somedays my affirmations really make me believe I do, but most times, it's like a dissociative experience to look at myself in the mirror. I just can't picture myself. I can't see myself in the mirror, I even know that. My body looks the same to me, same obsessions, same worries despite it all. Ana still has a way of making sure I still think about tryna loose weight or restrict. I wouldn't be able to say I will never relapse, I never wether I'm really doing good or not.
My body serves me many purposes, it travels with me throughout life, I should love and cherish my body. Or maybe just accepting it is enough. Maybe loving my body isn't in the cards, I'm just living with it.
I try to do my best, I'm still going. When a year ago I would've never said that, I wanna say I'm doing better ever single day. Even in pratical terms, reassessing my negative thoughts all the time.
My head's supposed to be better but today and last week's been a stress. I'm scared I'll gain weight but I'm also know I won't. I always end up thinking I ate too much when the of matter of the fact is, I never really eat too much.
I have to keep myself grounded but it's hard.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s