feel something

i keep on writing a sequel to stories i know that are not there. i don't wanna die but i don't wanna live like this. i just wanna feel something... i just wanna feel... i just wanna feel something... i just wanna feel i keep on writing a sequel to stories i know that are not there. i don't wanna die but i don't wanna live like this. i just wanna feel something... i just wanna feel... i just wanna feel something... i just wanna feel something really real so that i can really feel like a person again... can you tell me a secret? can you tell me what's wrong with me? i know i should be angry. but i can barely feel a fucking thing. can you tell me a secret? can you tell me what's wrong with me?

[camilajackson]

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[camilajackson]

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[camilajackson]

leoames‌.

“we’ll get through it,” leo winked, trying his best not to overthink everything too. “we want whatever works,” he nodded, texting his assistant to shift whatever they could on his schedule to the next week. likely, he’d have to work a little on the plane. easily, he signed their check and waved camilla to come with him, stopping just outside the restaurant to pull cam in and give her a deep kiss. “you fucking excite me,” he grinned as he spoke. 

camila busied herself in her phone, searching for flights as she walked. she started methodically looking for different warm destinations before finding a red eye to mykonos that left in five hours: long enough for them to get the passports and pack quickly. she giggled softly as he kissed her, “i never do anything like this. but... i dunno. why not?” she held up her phone, “red eye to mykonos?”

[camilajackson]

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[camilajackson]

leoames.

leo almost dropped his glass of wine. sure, he could make it work. his clients could handle a couple of days without him and weekends were relatively solitary work for him. but he wasn’t expecting her to want to buy in. a wide, genuine smile grew on leo’s lips. “well let’s close this shit out and get on it, then,” he spoke, waving the bartender over to let him know they were finished.

camila blushed slightly, nodding, “this makes me so excited and also so anxious.” she leaned to kiss him gently before pulling her phone out, “we want warm... beach... what are we looking for? anything with flights tonight or are we pickier than that?”

[camilajackson]

leoames.

“well we can make the uncertainty happen. a new playlist for every competition. that’s not difficult.” he waved a hand around, taking a long sip of the wine, nodding in approval. “i can be,” leo spoke, eyes meeting hers. “just say the word and we can take off to fiji or mexico tonight,”

“you’re too good to me.” camila bit down on her lip before taking another long drink from her wine glass. was he serious? because the more they talked, the more camila wanted to disappear for the weekend with leo. she bit her lip, reaching out to run a thumb over his cheek, “word.”

[camilajackson]

leoames‌.

“you should never, ever admit to a songwriter that you just listen to whatever. and you should never, ever tell a producer that you shuffle music without thinking about it,” leo laughed, shaking his head. he reached over to eat another piece of food, trying to decide why he’d just let himself tell her to come with him and whether or not he should continue to be honest with her. “yeah… i think that would be cool.”

“oh, shit, well... noted. i’ll try to be... more intentional. i dunno! i like the uncertainty of just hearing whatever comes up.” camila took a piece of food and popped it in her mouth, “well, i’m free for the next few days.” half of her was joking, but the other half... that half would buy a plane ticket to anywhere with leo.

[camilajackson]

leoames.

“it’s not… bad. it’s fucking painful to hear, but it’s not bad,” leo explained. mentally noting to make her a new playlist when he got home. it was kind of his love language anyway. “will do,” he nodded, popping a piece of cheese in his mouth just as the bartender set their glasses of wine in front of them. as she spoke, leo didn’t know what came over him. “come with me.” 

“painful to hear? i mean... that sounds pretty bad to me. teach me your ways,” camila joked softly, smiling. she bit down on her lip as he spoke, reaching for her glass of wine, “would you want me to?”

[camilajackson]

leoames.

“you have a hype song? because i’ll happily make you a playlist if you ever need a new one,” leo nodded. music was his love language. the corners of his mouth twitched into a small smile as she kissed his cheek. “work is busy. which is good but kind of hectic and… i feel like i’m losing some steam. i probably need a refresh.”

“i usually just shuffle my music... is that bad? should i have a specific playlist? am i failing?” camila joked, shaking her head, “i’m always up for new music. send one my way.” she nodded at his words, “you need a vacation. you should fly somewhere warm... find a beach somewhere.”

[camilajackson]

leoames‌.

“i can put headphones in until you dive. boredom isn’t an issue for me,” he nodded, not hating the idea of having some time away from this city and the things that seemed to haunt him. “you listen to songs i send you. that’s the best kind of support,” he shrugged. leo knew his line of creative wasn’t necessarily easy for someone not in the industry to understand. it wasn’t like diving or gymnastics made that much sense to him either. 

“funny, that’s the exact thing i do too. i appreciate it... i really do.” there was something enticing about getting away from new york for a few days with leo. “i know. and i’ll do that as long as you’ll let me.” she moved to kiss his cheek gently, “how is work, by the way?”

[camilajackson]

leoames‌.

“why wouldn’t i?” he asked, furrowing his brow in confusion as food was set in front of them. pausing to ask the bartender for two glasses of red wine, leo sighed. “i want to see you do the thing you do. i guess i want to cheer you on or some shit,” he shrugged, not wanting to get too transparent about his desire to support her.

“i dunno. diving can get kind of boring? i just... i dunno. i’m glad you want to...” camila smiled slightly, giggling, “even i get bored watching diving. gymnastics was a little more exciting but... diving is amazing too.” she smiled, “i want to support you too, ya know.”

[camilajackson]

leoames‌.

“no need to explain it,” leo spoke, slipping a hand onto her thigh and gently rubbing with his thumb. “cool.” he nodded, letting a few beats pass before speaking again. “let me know when it is and i can probably make it work to come cheer you on.”

“you’d come all the way to toronto for me?” camila commented softly, lifting her head off his shoulder to watch him, “it’s also a really great city and i’ve spent so much of my life there... i’d love to get to show you around.”

[camilajackson]

leoames.

there seemed to be some hesitation in camila’s voice, causing leo to look over at her as she spoke. “i think there’s just a lot of people in this fucking world and sometimes you meet someone who makes sense,” he replied, letting her head rest easily on his shoulder. “well, whatever you say,” he laughed softly, ordering their appetizer. never did leo ames think he’d be happily sitting at a bar with a girl like camila. but here he was, affectionate and all. “when is your next big competition?” 

“yeah... you’re right. we just... work. i don’t know why and i can’t explain it but something draws me to you.” camila sighed softly, keeping her head on his shoulder, “competition? oh, a few weeks... and it’s up on toronto, which is cool. i’ll have to check the exact dates.”

[camilajackson]

leoames.

leo let his index finger follow along the menu so his eyes stuck to attempting to find something to eat, despite never wanting to look away from the blonde at his side. “maybe having these feelings somehow plays into that,” he shrugged. just because they weren’t both athletes didn’t mean he didn’t understand. his career was his world. “i’m never going to hold you back from what you want,” he nodded before tapping the menu. “since fries seem like your nutritionist’s most hated item, want to start with charcuterie? seems a little… healthier, i guess?” 

camila smiled, nodding slowly, “i think so... but it’s also just... i think we both just... we understand each other. you understand me and my wants, and i understand you.” she rested her head against his shoulder, sighing softly, “that’s fine with me... at the end of the day, i know she’s right. i need to fuel my body properly and all that shit.”

[camilajackson]

leoames.

“i am far from soft,” he grumbled quietly, desperately wanting to pull her into his lap and do nothing but kiss her all over. her shoulders and her neck, her lips. he couldn’t take it. leo let her take his hand, flipping over the menu in front of him. “hm?” he looked over at her, a small smile tugging at his lips. “is it usually difficult for you to catch feelings?” leo joked, eyes scanning the menu. 

camila chuckled softly, shaking her head to herself as he turned his attention to the menu. she leaned closer to him to see the menu he was looking at, shrugging at his question, “i mean, it’s not the easiest thing in the world, if i’m being honest. it takes a lot to pull my attention to something other than my goals.”

[camilajackson]

leoame.

“don’t repeat my words to me,” he whined a little. “it makes me feel like i’m soft.” which he was, but leo didn’t need anyone pointing out the pieces of him that could hurt him. it was a little too much for his ego. “my hair has no competition,” he joked, leaning in to kiss the corner of her mouth lightly. “wanna get something to eat?” leo asked, taking another sip of his drink as he looked her over once more. she genuinely took his breath away every time he looked at her. 

“you are soft,” camila told him, rolling her eyes. “it can be our little secret though.” she smiled lightly at the kiss, nodding slowly, “i’m starving so... yes please. as much as i love drinking whiskey on an empty stomach...” she reached out to take his hand, squeezing it gently, “it’s insane how easy this is.”

[camilajackson]

leoames.

leo simply nodded at the blonde before him. something about her made him want to spill his guts - tell her all of the things that scared him and what made leo feel like he just might not make it. but then something tugged at him to rein it in. something deeper and more powerful that his comfort level with camila. “nothing wrong with changing it up,” he laughed, running a hand through curls he’d hardly trimmed in the last year. “it’s not dumb. i’m pretty fucking into my own hair, i get it,” leo grinned,shaking his head. “i’m your biggest fan no matter what you do to it.”

she smiled to herself, shaking her head lightly at leo’s words. it was so odd how natural it felt to be with leo... it had been a long time since she had felt at ease with anyone who wasn’t her family. it wasn’t that she meant to be closed off... she just was. she rolled her eyes, “my biggest fan? i’ll take it.” she smiled, “your hair is way better than mine though...”