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29/3/2025

Anh Hai.

I just wanna update a lil about my mental health.

remember i told myself that i got rid of depression. I had motivation to live. Today, my motivation gets so blurry.

To be honest, depression is like virus. it stays there forever, and once im weak, it pops up again. Today, while i was riding my scooter, there's a thought: oh my mental health is not good. In my gut i felt something wrong. Tho i tried to ignore, it appeared, reminded me that it was there.

Im so scared, anh Hai oi. feel like i see my problem but yet havent had solutions. So what i can do is enduring it, observing it, ignoring it, crying. Sometimes it gets too much and i cry. bc i am scared of depression. However, i still have feelings rn, which is a good point that i am still awake. cz if i fall into depression, I cant feel that much.

recently I have worries. I worry about life, family, i see people suffering and it affects my mood. What can i help to make them be better. I wish this life treat them better.

My love life sucks. I try to distract myself from ting by working so much, chatting with other people, meeting new people. Cz i dont want to be dependent on his actions. I feel like I and Ting cant be together? feel like we always argue and cant communicate. We have childhood traumas that need to be healed. I wanna to cut him off because i think that's the best for us. It doesnt mean i dont love him. But i feel like we should...

what should i do, anh Hai?

10/1/2025

Quick update.

I see positive changes in how i perceive life.

Dont wanna die or suicide recently because i have so many plans to do. and I think death will come suddenly on one day. So instead of always thinking about death, i should try new things, hit goals, travel,.. till death comes. Instead of planing for death, i will plan for other things.

I have changed in how I attach with people. I dont care if they want to stay or leave. If they love me, think they can go along well with me, then they stay. otherwise, just leave. Im so busy and too chill to just care now. Why i have to care so much. I dont force anyone to love. A forced love brings harms, not happiness.

Whatever right now I just wanna focus on getting to know me. What I like to do, to eat, I always can afford everything for ME.

I think this is a new perception I just trained to get. Because there are so many shitty events happened. I couldnt avoid it, but at least I learned. make me love myself more.

Live with depression 4/12/2024

It's the time of the year, when i wanted to end my life.

It's the feeling, the emptyness. It's there...

So how is life with depression?

When you live with purposes and goals. but sometimes it seems like you are chasing things physically, not mentally. Not feeling it.

But at least, you have somethings to chase. One purpose to live longer. I am holding onto it to extend my life.

Interestingly, I didnt wanna die when i was at home. Home makes me feel busy, feel chill, feel fresh. I dont know why but everytime i asked myself "Die today? No". That was an absolute NO. But when i am in HCM, "die today? maybe, cz i feel emty".

You know the emtyness that makes you feel so bored to the point you think of death. I dont know how to describe. But it is exactly like that. The emtyness, like a black hole.

I tried to procastinate it, everytime, here in HCM.

sometimes, today, i wanna to cry out loud. The emty, and lonliness.

Mom, Dad, I miss my home so much. But why do i have to be here. What am i trying to live for?

"Your life combines stories of many people. make it worth"

13/11/2024

Hey i dont feel good. My mind is always about "i wanna end this life". I dont know the reason why i am having this voice.

I guess the monster is ready to come out.

Let's just try to control it. I have so many goals to complete. Let's just check all in the list and die later.

Anh hai pls support me

11/11/2024

Hey Van. Today is a very special day. 11:11.

I wish you the best.

Van, im so proud of us and i love us. I am making a big plan for our life. Though depression is here, I am fighting with it.

I cant wait to give u the best life ever. Full of new experience, full scholarship, good friends and a good family.

Thank you for believing in me. TBH, no words to describe how much appreciated i am to you. I know how hard you are trying to survive. Life is boring, but now i am trying to paint it colorful.

Van, i guess i wanna be single for awhile, at least for this time. I really need to focus on my goal.

Thank you Van

21/9/2024

Hey Van, Happy birthday. So to update a lil about your life recently:

You have a nice birthday. You have a good job at VNG, your dream company with a 6-month contract.

Your co-workers surprised you on your birthday, you had many gifts.

You dont feel so much happy, but i mean that's okay, that's life. Just so you know, u cant always be happy and that's fine. Just slow down, take your time, be gentle to yourself, stick to your goal.

Sometimes depression comes, that's fine. Let it be for awhile and then let it go.

you are in the process of finding true happiness. Family? goals? traveling? It can be anything.

I am also seeking new opportunities. That could be a scholarship, increasing incomes, topik, new major. I hope i can do it before I die.

Just realise how easy my job can be replaced. So I am really urgent to find another major and want to quickly master at it.

Love is another major i want to master. I want to have a lil cute love to warm my days. Guess univerese hear me well. Please let good people come to me and love me and i love them.

how about AJ and Ting. Both are questions i cant answer. This time, i dont wanna use tarot. Just let things unfold slowly.

To the past Van, thank you for saving us, for delaying the death so it passed away, for talking to God, for communicating your problems. You dont know how much grateful to Van. Cz she was so strong, she survived. You did a great job. I am always proud of my Van.

I know Van is such a kind angel, youre loving, kind, nice and smart. So I am confident that once depression ever came back, you would know what to do. Delay it. Slow down. See it, feel it, let it go then. Dont kill us. Please for the sake of everything. Life will be better, if you have 1 more day to live.

For people that add nothing to your life, observe it and let it pass. Dont give it power. Give yourself power. Re-direct the great power to your heart and mind. Therefore, you will survive.

To Van in the future, i know you will read it. I am proud of you. I know you will make us better, and our life will shine like diamond. I believe in me, in us. So thank you! Keep moving, fast or slowly. Or if you are sad, hey, that's life. Repeat after me: Tomorrow is a better day. and you are a real rich bitch. This bitch wont let stupid things bother her.

Protect yourself from bad energy as well.

Hey Van, i love myself so much. So please let's take care of us together ^^

I love us.

4/9/2023

Hey Van, i write this note to update my life, to the Van in the past & the future.

To Van in the past:

Thanks for writing the note in May,2023. Shit, I almost killed myself, many times, because of depression and the old past. However, i remember your note, saying that "dont kill us", so my mind was trying to find a reason to keep this life alive. Van, you wouldnt know that our note saved us, would you? You did save us. So today, I will say it again, to Van in the future. Van is always right. Dont kill us. You gotta make us happy and successful, and rich as hell. It's okay to be sad or depressed. That's how life works, but you can paint it differently, as you want.

Van, i forgot our goals and passion. I am wondering what goals we were talking about. Was it about studying abroad, or living in wealth,... I cant think of anything. I guess it is because depression exists somehow.

So i would like to note down some of small goals i want to do:

save money up to 100 mil in 8 months. Each month keeps 5 mil for saving. I want to buy a motobike and travel.

go to Korea in March, 2024

complete TOPIK 2 in Feb, 2024

have a health check in 2024

To Van in the future, I just wanna let you know:

You're nice and kind, i know. Be yourself. Treat people right and kind as much as you want. But some people dont deserve your treat. There's nothing wrong with you, but them. So if they dont respect it, let them go. Less focus on them, more focus on you. Whether they are important to your life, YOU DECIDE. Dont be afraid to let go of those people. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE. Youre a nice daughter of your parents. And i love Van so much.

and.. just to remind you. You did your best and I fully believe in you. Dont kill us, please. Whether your days are up or down, just know that it happens, but you have yourself, me, your family, friends, others. Hey, you work at VNG, your dream job. It happened too. Everything may happen, but if you believe in me and yourself, it will be all good.

and I hope you have yourself a boyfriend when youre at the calm, confident and best version of you. So that you have a good mindset to love someone, not control them. Trust yourself and your partner. And i hope this time you would meet someone who treasures you for who you are, and be patient, loyal with you. The one that chooses you rather than giving up on you guys' relationship.

I love myself so much and I admire this woman. She beat demons in her mind and saved us. My hero, my beauty, my everything.

Thank you for reading it. Im PROUD of you Van. For still being alive reading this, jk.

"as long as we're still alive, tmr will surely be a good day"

4/7/2024

18, broke, wanted to go abroad to see the world and seeked self freedom.

23, have good meals, safe space, freedom and flight tickets

sometimes have depression and lonliness but i guess they are trade offs - to see the world the way it really is.

Fam

Rất biết ơn vì được sinh ra trong ngôi nhà có tình yêu thương từ mọi người, gia đình đoàn kết, động viên nhau.

Vừa mới gọi cho mẹ, mẹ hỏi thăm về công việc, cũng k bắt mình phải có việc full time liền, cũng động viên mình là cứ kệ, làm từ từ tới, chả sao cả.

Tự nhiên mình thấy an toàn hẳn. Nhờ có gia đình là chỗ dựa vững chắc và ba mẹ là người đàng hoàng, nuôi dưỡng mình bằng tri thức và yêu thương, nên mình thấy người mình nhẹ nhàng, hòa nhã và tốt bụng với mọi người. Dù mình tính rất nóng nảy và rất quậy.

Nên mình hứa lòng sẽ luôn hòa nhã với mọi người.

radio

when i was 18, I had a friend. One day i asked him "why are your head always that shaking?" He answered "Idk, it seems like there's a radio in my head, it keeps playing music".

I just thought he was kinda weird and didnt understand full meaning of it.

Now im 23, and i am EXPERIENCING that radio, in a negative way.

It's like, there's a broken radio in my brain. even though i dont want it to play, it keeps reminding me of old memories. Somedays i can control it, somedays i am controlled, so badly. To the point i just want to lay on sofa sipping sad music and falling depply in that black hole.

A broken radio that cant be stopped, yet.

All i can do is trying to control.

But what hits me to this point?

A real bad past. a real happiest past. Yes, It is the past I want to escape from.

They say "you can lie to people but never lie to yourself"

so i am here, writing about my shit, hoping it to fade away.

Being a human is hard. Being an adult is tough.

I just want to escape. Just want to cry out loud, just want to fall into a deep sleep so nothing can bother me.

Radio, I hope we can have an end here. Please, i just want peace.

26/2/2024

My love, lil Hulk, it's time for me to let you go. to love you and love me. Whereever you wanna go, whoever you wanna love, I let you be.

Hope you always be healthy and happy, love.

Goodbye my very special human.

29/11/2023

Dont want to die anymore. A lit empty. Im home now. Maybe that's the reason.

I dont know why i thought of ending my life at that time. Guess I passed the biggest challenge.

27/12/2023

I thought if i gave up everything, my heart would stop bleeding, but no. I still bleeds everyday and i just feel so hurt and painful. What should i do?

26/12/2023

Hi Future Van, i wanna share this with you.

Im thinking of ending my life. I just feel empty, black and painful. Nothing much I can feel.

My thoughts are often about: Ok end this life, release myself. End it im not scared of it anymore.

But i think about my family. How would they react if I was not in this life anymore. They might have pain. They might cry. They might lose a family member. Everything would get worse then. That's not what i want. What if I just go in peace.

My money, I would give 40 mil for my sis an 40 mil for my bro so that they can take care of their children. A piece of god would be for my parents. 5 mil each for my 2 beloved grandmas. I'll give 20 more mil for my sis to pay for her loans. The rest, I would love to give to the world, share with the poor.

Dear Van in the past, Im sorry for having this thought. I know You told me not to kill us. But, Im living in hell right now. What is the difference?

Where is my motivation? My passion? I cant see nothing right now. Or what if you can come here and slap me on my face so that I can wake up.

I remember how i said my life was beautiful. I wish to feel that again. I want to. Now i just cant write motivative words. I dont feel it.

Love, just 1 month. My friend said it would be crazy if i got depressed because of 1 month love. I think im crazy right now. I am. Because im having this thought of ending my life.

I dont wana care about him, dont want to love him. I want to shut down everything. That's it. Everything. Love is nothing for me right now. I dont need it. Dont want it.

Just want to end it. Everything. Van, I dont know if i can hold this for long. Im moving forward like a death body. Wish i could see a light right now. Just a light.

But it's such a shame when I have this thought. But tbh, when im in this situation, I cant think of any positives. Just that, just want to end.

I miss you and i love you so much.

bisou

Ở Việt Nam luôn có một người chờ anh, chờ nụ hôn bisou

im already in a committed relationship with my love. We r having Christmas time in Korea this Dec

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