Brooklynns Life

Welcome to the shit show ! Sit back relax and grab a redbull because shit is about to go down . #Certified Yappa

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The man I was in love with was drunk beyond a point of numbness and had lost his ability to recognize me. This moment felt never-ending, and I remember this as if it were yesterday. The stranger with this cold and terrifying look in his eye was no stranger to himself, and unfortunately, I would get to know this man, too. I had no idea that the nightmare had only just begun.

The most dangerous aspect of being involved with a functioning alcoholic is that it isn’t always bad – there are extreme highs that sometimes lasted for weeks. When things with my guy had been good, they couldn’t have been better. When he was good, he was considerate, charismatic, generous, supportive, loving, and passionate. When he was good, he lit every room with his smile and warmed every heart with his laughter. When he was good, he was funny and made me laugh harder than anyone ever had.

Being in love with a man battling alcoholism is encapsulated by a rollercoaster of the highest of highs and darkest of lows. It will leave you consumed, craving the highs and walking on eggshells. Loving an alcoholic whose mood cycles between these high and lows had me along for the ride – it was crippling and ate away at me.

Planting little kisses on my face as I slept, squeezing my ass as he followed me through the door, declaring his affection, calling midday just to hear my voice, and giving impromptu gifts and handwritten love letters were all common weekday occurrences. Doorstep surprises and serenades in the shower were just what he did. He would indulge me for hours by pulling out his guitar and singing to me as I secretly filmed him. I would play the recordings as I did my makeup in the morning after he left for work, and it had been my favorite way to start the day. More often than not, he asked me what I was craving, so he would have known what to pick up or what to make me for dinner. Every night, the two of us would intimately explore each other’s love and body, assigning new meaning to what making love truly meant. He called me his girl and than one day it stopped

That’s what my relationship looked like when he was good, because when he was good, we were good. But what does that matter if he was only like that when things were good? It doesn’t matter at all.

When the weekend hit, I found myself living through long and terrorizing nights – the lows. I never felt so excruciatingly further from him or so alone than those nights I lay next to him, intertwined. Most nights, he fell asleep before me; on the bad ones, I lay awake, silently crying. Some nights I stayed pressed up to his sleeping body for warmth, craving his closeness. Other nights, I would roll away, unable to be near the monster he had been to me. I was desperate for change and scared of what the next day would have had in store. The damage was irreparable, but the doom remained unknown.

Countless times, I found myself trying to fall asleep next to an unmasked stranger, praying that by the time he woke, he’d have returned to the man I recognized and thought I knew. As I watched him sleep, the ugly words he had belligerently slurred at me would replay in my mind. Nights like these were lonely and gruesome when I cried to sleep in his bed.

The pain and damage from the previous night’s drinking often bled into the following days. Regardless of what he may have remembered, the following Saturday, Sunday, and sometimes even Monday were ruined. Wasting away the day, I lay next to a man who slept to avoid facing the shame of what he had done to himself and to me.

I had become a captive of his disease, and somewhere along the way, I found myself comforting him and consoling him for the pain he felt, knowing how ill he was and how badly he had hurt me. In these moments of nurturing him, he grew to love me more deeply and hate himself more. It was in these same moments that I recognized myself disliking and losing respect for the man I loved.

Loving an alcoholic is dangerous because they can’t protect your heart the same way you do theirs. Alcoholics can be abusive and manipulative. They can be selfish, and they oftentimes put their egos above all. They will lie to you, they will attempt to control you, and they will make active efforts to punish you. They will withhold affection as a means of manipulation, and they will undoubtedly compromise your physical and psychological safety. They will give you the silent treatment for days, they will steal pieces of your innocence, and they will corrupt momentous occasions for you. They will disregard you, and they will disappoint you time after time.

How much worse will this time be? Is he still breathing? Is he lying in a ditch? As he drowned his body with his poison of choice, these questions haunted my mind more than I wanted to admit. Deep-rooted, debilitating anxiety took hold, and I no longer wondered if but when my alcoholic would cut the next wound worse than the last. This was perpetually on my mind. I wondered this because the alcoholic I loved endlessly failed to consider the repercussions his actions would have on our relationship and ultimately on my safety.

My love and life had become capsized by his addiction and his toxicity. They left me drowning in unfathomable worry, vast amounts of shame, disappointment, and anxiety. Lying to his friends and family to protect the image and façade of his sober self that they knew as their friend, son, grandson, and brother was no easy task. Lying to my friends and family about the man I had once thought the world of destroyed me. Alcoholic love can be profoundly abusive and dangerously isolating.

His lies had become mine, his secrets had become mine, and the burden of his demons had become mine. Drowning and isolated from the people who would have most readily given me a lifeboat, I suffered and continued gasping for air.

With each belligerent betrayal, yet another erratic decision of his or another attempt to unfairly and unnecessarily punish me, He continued to tear me down to make himself feel more significant and more successful. Shorter breaths, larger gasps, I silently continued to fight the pain.

No amount of love he had for me would have been sufficient to curb his dependency, no matter how badly he wanted it to. This realization was something that broke him and pushed him to drown his thoughts and pains even more. None of my helping efforts would result in any good, but unfortunately, I learned the hard way that I best not try.

I would never have been able to watch a stranger in a fraction of the distress I was in without responding to their needs. It was unfathomable to me that a man who said he didn’t know love like mine was possible until I came along could sit and watch me on the floor suffering from pain that he caused without so much as blinking an eye. You will never experience a more tremendous heartbreak than watching an alcoholic drown himself and pull you underwater with him in the process. This night would mark one month and 10 days before I was set free. That makes it sound like it was pleasant, but it wasn’t.

"Loving an alcoholic is dangerous because they can’t protect your heart the same way you do theirs." — Anonymous

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You are worth the risk.

For so long, I have been guarding my heart tightly and refusing to let anyone close to me. I was convinced that I couldn’t do relationship because none have worked out for me. I was disillusioned about ever meeting the right person.

But you, you make it easy for me to open my heart to you.

You teach me how to trust in love.

That just because love has failed me before doesn’t mean that it will again. You make me try to keep my dark emotions at bay and not let negativity get the best of me. You make feel at ease in my own skin and accept me for the person I am despite all my flaws and insecurities. You make me feel like myself with your endless encouragement and support for me to become my ideal self.

With you, there is no game to be caught up in and confusing mixed signals to decipher. We are simply together because we want to be. There are no excuses of wrong timing and place. There are no adversities that we cannot conquer when we are fighting whatever odds against us side by side. There is not a moment of doubt in our relationship that we are in this together.

I don’t know how you do it but I am completely smitten with you. I’m obsessed with the way your eyes lit up when they found mine as though I’m the light you’re seeking for. I’m addicted to the rush of adrenaline when you slip your fingers around mine tightly like you won’t ever let me go. I’m enjoying the process of unraveling your mind and your deepest secrets.

You make my heart so full with your presence until it’s bursting with the fullness of it. You enlivened me in the best possible way and my life is a vivid shade of passion, love, and joy. You bring me back to life from the wreckage of my previous heartbreak and dismantle all my old bitter belief about love. You make me believe that you are different and till today, you have given me no reason to think otherwise.

You are worth the risk for I have never met someone like you. Someone who is patient with me and loves me with every inch of his wide generous heart.. You teach me that love is kind and patient. Even when we don’t see eye to eye to certain things, you never raise your voice at me or utter any hurtful word. When I turn away, you reach towards me and hug me tighter breaking down the barrier between us. When dark times threaten to overwhelm us, you simply face it bravely with me and assure me that we will survive whatever storm comes our way.

With you, I have found my best friend and my soulmate. I have found my home in you. I have found a love that never leaves.

You are worth the risk, every bit of it, and I have no regret knowing you. I have no regret loving you.

You don’t get it at all; I don’t hate you, I could never hate you.

When I told you I didn’t want to talk to you anymore and I walked out it was never because I started hating you. It was because I couldn’t take one more goodbye. I couldn’t take one more night of hoping you’d show up or call when you said you would. I couldn’t take another day of wondering if you’d be around.

I don’t hate you, I could never hate you because all I feel is sadness in my heart about us, about you. Everyone tells me to get mad, but I can’t. I wish I could fill my heart with hate towards you because that would make this so much easier. But I don’t hate you. I wish I thought of you and could get angry and let it overake the sadness that’s been consuming me, but I can’t. It just doesn’t work that way. Thoughts of you pass by my head and all I can think of is how much I miss you.

In A World Where Everyone Leaves, I Will Be The One Who Stays

I promise that in a world where people leave, where marriages fail, where relationships break, where love fades—I’m not going anywhere.

I will be the one who stays. This, I promise you.

I won’t turn my back. I won’t spin around and run like hell in the other direction. When our memories become clouded by arguments and our angry voices fill the air, I won’t imagine a life without you. I won’t pull away and retreat to an opposite corner. I won’t wish for anyone else.

I won’t leave

Because I know that we are both imperfect. And I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I knew, going in, that we were young and restless. That we had dreams too big and beautiful. That we loved with too much of our hearts, but that’s okay. I wanted this. I wanted us. I wanted smiles stretched across our faces. I wanted laughter that hung in the air like a morning fog. I wanted the way our hands fit in each other’s palms, callous to callous, crease to crease, warmth to warmth in a way that just felt right.

I want you to

And I’m not just going to forget that when things don’t fall perfectly into place around us. I’m not just going to chalk it up to change, to growth, to time, to two people drifting apart

I’m sick of the way the world loves now—like it’s temporary, like it means nothing. We enter into relationships with endings on the horizon. We make promises to one another that we don’t intend to keep. We hop from connection to connection, from person to person like we’re playing a game.

We’re supposedly ‘searching for the one’ but all we’re teaching ourselves is to find a way out when things aren’t perfect. We’re supposedly pursuing real love, but all we’re learning is how to leave.

But I don’t want that with you .

With you, I want the good days and the sh*tty days. I want the arguments and the raised voices. I want the stubbornness and all the ways we don’t see eye-to-eye, and probably never will. I want the contradictions, the inconsistencies, the hypocrisies.

I want to know you at you worst, at your lowest, at your most unforgivable. And I want to learn to love you anyways.

And I want you to know me. I want you to know how I bite my nails, how I lie, how I don’t always do the right thing, how I swear, how I’m shallow and imperfect and downright b*tchy sometimes. I want you to know my sass, my selfishness, the way I fight fiercely when I think I’m right, even if I know I’m not.

I want you to know me, flaws and all, and still find a way to love me and my mess.

Because that’s real love—loving someone for who they are, loving someone even as you fight and argue, loving someone when life is difficult, loving someone because you made a commitment to love them in good or bad, loving someone and not leaving when things get hard.

And so I promise that I’ll stay. I promise that I’ll be here. I promise that no matter what obstacles we face, I’ll fight with you and for you.

I promise that in a world where people leave, where marriages fail, where relationships break, where love fades—I’m not going anywhere. I told you I loved you, and I meant it. I’ll always mean it. And j always will .

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Heartbreak is the worst .

Heartbreak, it sucks. There is no other way to put it, besides that it just really sucks. Whether you were dating this person for a long period of time, were in that “almost but not really” phase, or you just really liked someone and hoped for the best but didn’t quite get there; when your heart breaks, it breaks.

With heartbreak, the idea of being okay one day seems nonexistent. You feel like you’re dying and that someone has physically ripped your heart out of your chest and completely shattered it. I have been there, I know. The only thing you want to do? Sit in your room, car, a safe place you have, and just cry. I am not going to tell you not to cry, please by all means do that. In fact, I encourage it. Cry it all out. You’re hurting and there’s nothing wrong with that.

You’re going to reminisce. You’re going to think about the memories. You’re going to think about that person. It’s inevitable. I know you don’t want to because it hurts, but sometimes your mind is going to go there. Your heart will feel heavy, your chest will feel tight, and you may find it difficult to breathe. Sit down and take a couple deep breaths. Take a moment, acknowledge it, and move on. You can’t live your life in the past. You can’t live your life through memories.

You’re going to be okay. I know it may not feel like it right now, but you will be. As cliché as it sounds, time heals all wounds. Give yourself time to heal. I know you want instant results because this pain feels unbearable, but nothing worth having comes easy. One day you won’t be sad over this person. One day you won’t cry anymore for this person. One day they won’t matter anymore. Pick yourself back up when you’re ready and rediscover who you are. You were someone before them, and you are going to be someone after them. You would be surprised to learn that you are capable of so much.

I know it doesn’t feel fair. It doesn’t feel fair that you’re hurting and they’re moving on with their lives. Throw that idea out the window. Throw the whole person out the window. Focus on yourself, your pain, and ultimately feeling better. Don’t continue to give them power over you, they are no longer your concern.

As I’ve heard from more than one person, take this experience as a lesson, and the next time someone else comes around in your life you will be more prepared. First heartbreaks are probably the worst because you’ve never been through it before, and it feels impossible that you’re one day not going to feel all this pain, but that day does exist. Given, you may get your heartbroken again, but just know you’re going to be stronger because of it.

Now letting them go. This is probably the hardest part. The memories won’t let you, but overall you won’t let yourself let them go. Deep down inside, you still have hope that they will come back. If it wasn’t now, maybe it can work later. Don’t do this to yourself. Is it possible? Yes, I’m not going to tell you that it’s not but I don’t want you to hold onto this fantasy because if it doesn’t become a reality you’re going to hurt again, and you don’t deserve that. Put yourself first, and everything else will fall into place.

Take a second and think, does it hurt to let them go or the fantasy of the person and world you created in your head? It’s always going to hurt to let go of the fantasy because they’re perfect and if it became real for one second, no one would want to let that go. I wouldn’t. Now let reality set in. Reality may have always been there, and maybe you were ignoring it. I have also done that. Reality of things are, maybe this person, this relationship, the situation you were in, was not as perfect as you thought. It happens. Then again, maybe it was just as great as you thought and it just didn’t work out. That happens too.

Remember that if this person wasn’t for you, there is someone else who is and now you’re that much closer to meeting them. Your heart is going to go through a lot, take care of it.

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RANDOM QUESTIONS part 2

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? I am very much guilty of biting icecream lol ! I get annoyed with how long it takes to get done with it .

2. What is home to you? I think that home to me would have to be in the arms of the person that I feel safest with so right now home would have to be Justin . When I am in Justin's arms I feel safe and secure and loved and needed and so realistically that is home to me .

3. What was the last lie you told? The last lie that I told would probably have to be that I said I was okay and nothing was bothering me when in fact there is ALOT going on and I am not doing okay mentally . I am trying to get everything handled and be stable again but it is hard.

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? Absolutely it does not matter if the truth hurts them they deserve to be told the truth regardless of the outcome

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? Probably the toy Ferby I believe it came out in 1998 but that toy was Creepy ....

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. Probably when I was going through a bad breakup or a bad moment I tend to try and hurt people in anyway possible so that they can also feel the pain and hurt that I am also feeling .

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) 1. Never Say Never . 2. Never Giving up

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? I work hard to achive stuff probably every single day honestly I just want to make myself the best person and version of myself possible .

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? Quite a few actually , when I was in active addiction I would stay up all hours of the night and days at a time . Thankful that I dont have to be like that anymore because Recovery is possible

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? Probably with words I would assume . Words are very Powerful

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? I think quite a few but I havent Been in LOVE with more than 2 people

12. What is your paradise? My paradise is my safe place with all my belongings and a safe place with my people .

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) I think the tv playing some Bobs burgers or even A campfire in the background

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? Probably a couple if I am being honest

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? I am not sure . I am a very big social media person but I also like to disconnect and try to be one with nature and take it all in

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? I think it is because we connect with them on a personal level and their content whether it be Music or Youtube videos or whatever we see it in a time that we need to and it shows us that there is somone out there who actually gets us and understands what we are going through . There are quite a few celebs I care about .

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? Probably Play me or lie to my face . Dont lie be upfront and honest with me . Everyone deserves the truth

18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? I am the type of person who is dramatic as FUCK I think it could be a good thing but I also think it could be a bad thing

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? I have I took Piano Lessons for about 4-5 years before I told my mom I hated it ( Low key I regret Quitting ) and I also tried playing the violin for about 6 months

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? I do but there are days where I dont. Just like everyone else I have good days and I have bad days I have days where I feel like a bad bitch and I have all the confidence in the world and than there are days where I am a hermit and I feel terrible about myself

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? I like my Chin and I like my smile and I also like my ability to love everyone

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? " Its okay to be a glowstick , sometimes we have to break in order to shine."

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? I do I was a mother for 3 years before my son was placed for adoption ( Thats a whole different story and I dont know maybe one day I will talk about it ) But being a parent is a HARD job .

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? I look at photos that make me happy and I look at videos and I talk to my support system and friends

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? Every single day bro

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? Both

27. What constitutes a good friend? Being there when times get tough and always allowing them to express their feelings

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? A mixture of both actually I think that having friends is a good thing !

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? That im lucky that life isnt hard because the truth is that it is hard every single person is going through their own battles and dealing with it differently we all have the same 24 hours you can either choose to make something of it or wallow in it .

30. What is your dream job? My dream job is to be a Caseworker . As someone who was adopted and also someone who has been in the system and had a child in the system my biggest pet peve was when someone would tell me " I understand what you are feeling \ going through ." and they had NO IDEA ... So I want to be that person to say " Hey I know that the first few nights in the group home is scary ." " I understand the emotions you are going through " ECT because I have been there and I have gone through them.

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? Both Take every opportunity and learn from it . Get out of your comfort zone and do something new never live in the " What if "

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? That everything happens for a reason life keeps going and so will you . through all the bad days and the good days your story is being written one day at a time .

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? what it is like to have a Penis ... stupid I know but like I already have had a Cooter so why cant I know what the other one is like ??

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? Probably the world that you visit when you read a book ... I love getting lost in that world

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. His Name was Haven ... I dont like to talk shit on people but honestly he was the worst ... Not only did he act as if the world revolved around him if the conversation was not about him he made it about him point blank . Someone ALWAYS had it out for him in his eyes and he was always the victim and when we would hang out with him he was rude and disrespectful and always had a argument in his back pocket .

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? I would probably enjoy that to much I would make a adventure out of it

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Burn that Mofo just saying

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? Theater . Period girl

39. Name the last book you read. Its been a moment since I have read a book but I got like 12 books yesterday and I plan on cracking open that bad boy and Reading my heart away

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? I dont think that would be a good thing I am the type of person where I like to talk about things and voice my opinion

41. When was the last time you made the first move? I dont know lol

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? Music is music and it touches the soul and mind and body . If that is your vibe than that is your vibe Express yourself

43. What was the last movie you watched? I watched Good Mouring by Mgk and it was pretty good I gave it a solid 10\10

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? I think in some aspects I do and other times I dont . I am like everyone else and I am just trying to find my place in the world and trying to figure out who I am and exactly where I belong

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? I do but like everyone else i dont some days . Learning to love yourself is a hard thing to do but very rewarding at the same time

46. When was the last time you cried? I cry every day honestly

47. What are you scared of? Theres alot of things that I am scared of like the usual.... Snakes , Spiders , Rollercosters , ect but I think the thing I am most Scared about is rejection

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? Probably Gotten arrested idk I have done alot

49. What are some of your hobbies? I like to read, and longboard , do arts and crafts and listen to music , Journal

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? Going to worst case senario in a matter of 2.5 seconds

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? I think that I am a good friend I try to listen and be there and try to let you know that your feelings and thoughts are important and very much valid

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? I think we all do . We go through things to learn from them and in hopes that we learn from it

53. What have you learned the hard way? That it is okay to not be okay

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? "Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you decide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you. –Ralph Harston"

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) All of the Above

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? Both

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? I left a toxic marriage and finally understood my worth

58. What is your ideal meal? Potatoes .... thats it . I love them

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? Not show up

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? I do ! Like every typical girl I like cows however I LOVE sharks .. they are so magical and beautiful

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? I dont even know Honestly

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? I do lol

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? Probably Music being on our Phones

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? I like Animal crossing lol and Skyrim and borerlands

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? I think its Fucked up ... Everyone is beautiful and deserves to be told so ... Beauty standers are so fucked up and I hate them

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? I am not If I could sleep forever I would

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? I do I really Love the Little Mermaid ... Alot of it was because the Special VHS would come out around my birthday and so I thought she had a connection with me but I also love Ariel Regardless of Ariel's few flaws, she is very much selfless, sweet-natured, and inspirational. However, her most notable trait was her deep love and fascination for humans, having desired to become human during the first film's events, even before meeting her future husband, Eric. I also I love Tangleds Rapunzel

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? Country side I love the outdoors and to see the stars at night without the city lights ?! get out of here that would b amazing

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? Both honestly that is a tough question

70. What are the best things about winter? Christmas Magic

71. What scares you most about the future? The thought of not being good enough or the thought of not being able to be a good mother for my next child because I feel as if I already let down my first one down

72. What makes you feel old? My back

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? To many Hours Lets be real TikTok has taken over my life

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? I have a list lol but a couple are : I want to read at least 50 books by the end of the year, Handle my mental and physical Health , I also want to finally have employment but also finally have a place of my own and be stable and have a healthy relationship with Justin

75. What is your life story in 6 words? Crazy , Chaotic, rewarding , up and down

76. Describe yourself in one word. Strong

77. What bad habits do you do? I have a couple . I down talk myself alot and I also bite my nails

78. What genre of music do you listen to? I listen to everything

79. Most prominent childhood memory? Probably when I was about 9-10 years old this was in 2000 we had just moved into our Brand new home and my mom was pregnant with my brother Chaz she had her water break and she was about 20 weeks along and she had to be Hospitalized so my dad was left with the task of unpacking the new house and doing all the daily tasks i.e. cooking\ getting us dressed and to school ect and there was 4 of us at the time and we had a unfinsihed backyard we were living in a Undeveloped neighborhood and so we were playing in the backyard one day and we covered ourselves in mud and let it harden and my Oldest brother Caylor told me and my sister Teddi that we better be careful because if we let the mud get hard we would turn us into mermaids ( dont get me wrong being a mermaid would of been cool as hell but I was not ready for that type of commitment at 9-10 years old ) and that freaked me out so I went through the basement and walked upstairs to my dad who was in his room covered head to toe in mud on the BRAND new white carpet and started crying lol my dad marched me downstairs and outside and had me strip and hosed us down and sent us in to play . I remeber how the hose hurt my bum lol

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? I do have a older brother I was adopted at 1 years old so he was an only child for like 4 years and than BAM I came into the picture and started messing up his cars and dinosaurs lol but having siblings is actually pretty cool

81. Spirit animal? My spirt animal would be a black tip shark

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? I do I want to learn more about that kind of stuff

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? To get married and that it would be fun lol

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. 1. My mom 2. Justin 3. Kels

85. Favorite memory of your family. I have so many I couldnt possibly answer that question

86. What do you look for in a relationship? I look for someone who is Hardworking and loving and fearless someone who wont give up when things get tough and someone who will fight for us

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? I think that my dad is my role model

88. What is your opinion on social media? I think t is great to express yourself

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? I dont know

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? EVERYTHING BRO are we living in the same economy?

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? I have to many

92. What superpower would ruin the world? I have no idea

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? do drugs like my birth mom

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? I dont know tbh

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? I would go to Italy In a heartbeat if I could

96. How do you approach people? I am not a people person so yeah

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? They matter but I would rather meet you in person so I can see and feel the vibes

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? I still do alot of them we were children and things were so easy and we had our parents so we go back to familiarity and comfort because that is where we feel the most comfortable

99. What languages can you speak? I speak English However I am learning Italian

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? Hopefully better than what we have now tbh

101. What do you do on your lazy days? I sleep and do self care

102. What ended your last relationship? Distance for sure and drugs

103. Favorite food? Potates

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? I have had quite a few

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? Probably last Sunday I got in a argument with Justin

106. What was the last friendship you broke? The friendship with Nick his girlfriend was accusing me of having a thing for him and she saw me as a threat and I dont play like that

107. Do you have any pet peeves? Lying to my face and that Nosie you make when you put your elbows on a table and they make that crunch noise ... or grinding your teeth like no thats so bad

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? Justin

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? Every single day

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? I want to actually think things through and not jump to worst case

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? Probably my Mom

112. What is your biggest motivation? My son I want him to see that even though I had a rough time I was able to get things figured out

113. What did you want to be when you were little? I wanted to be a dental assistant like my dad cause he is a dentist

114. What are some things that you are good at? I am good at alot of things ... I am good at being a friend and a mother and a girlfriend I am good at figuring out a soultion

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? I just want to have my life together

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? I am a yapper I like to talk

117. How important is privacy to you? I think it is very important to me

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? That its okay to talk about your feelings

119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? I dont even know I have told lots of lies not something I am proud of but I have

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? I dont go to parties lol

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? Be a lame

122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone? Probably been someone other than my true self

123. What is your morning routine? I dont have one but I am trying to make myself a morning person and have one

124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering? I put myself first

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? A mixture of both probably

126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" Dont do it bro ... Be you be the true you

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? Nobody likes when you sugar coat shit just say it be real

128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? No why would you hurt someone like that ?

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? I am both

130. What do you admire most about your friends? Everything ... those stinkys are amazing

131. What do you admire most about your family? We are strong

132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" do what feels right and what makes you happy

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? I enjoy both

134. When is it time to end a friendship? When they are doing more damage than anything else

135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? I told someone that I didnt have a phone as it was in my hand ringing

136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? I love learning so all of them

137. What are your favorite baby names? Like every girl out there I have a list lol- Girls: Tatum , Oakley and Everleigh . and for the boys : Gannon , Taysen , Braysen , Bentley and Braylon

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? The otherday I had one with myself and my therapist

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? If you are not interested

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. If you arent clean like if you cant pick up after yourself and complete simple tasks to keep bugs and pest out than GOODBYE and probably when you put in the effort and you show me that the relationship is worth it

141. Biggest disappointment. Having a high expiation

142. Do you have any self-restraint? yes

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? Its been awhile

144. Prized possession(s)? My first copy of Starwars like the first edition of Starwars still in plastic

145. What is your opinion on second chances? I dont usually do them

146. Text or call? Call I love to talk on the phone I hate texting so much

147. What do you like about the 21st century? I dont know tbh

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? To keep hanging on It gets better and it will all make sense eventually

149. How organized are you? I am very Organized

150. Favorite mode of transportation. Flying

[candidcanvas12]

GET TO KNOW ME IN 100 QUESTIONS

1. What were your summers like as a kid? My summers were Magical I wont lie ... Always outside didnt matter if I was playing mud factory or digging up a rock that led to china to riding scooters around the neighborhood with the kids until the lights came on I was always outside doing something .

2. Do you enjoy thrilling rides like rollercoasters? I absolutely hate rollercosters . I wont get on them at all you have to bribe me to get on the Jurrasic Park ride or even the Splash Mountian ride otherwise I am good.

3. Who was your childhood hero? My childhood hero Probably was my dad honestly and he still is ... He made everything and adventure and he always made things look fun and interesting

4. What is your favorite book? The Candyshop Wars By Brandon Mull ... I worked doing chores to save up for a book when I was about 13 and i found that book and I fell in love with it Immediately.

5. What do you find most attractive about your crush? I think the thing I find Most attractive about my Crush or significant other is how he is such and amazing dad and how Hard he works I admire him

6. What’s your favorite outfit? I would say Sweatpants and a T-shirt and a hoodie tbh Comfy is Key

7. Does seeing people in love make you happy? Sad? Annoyed? I love it !!!! Be happy be in love be You ! Live your life for you and nobody else .

8. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? I do I sleep with a dog thats Black and white and hes a jellycat stuffed animal ... before I gave my son up for adoption he had the same one and we called it soft puppy and he still has it so I also have one to be closer to him

9. What CD did you play to death as a kid? High School Musical I loved that movie and I loved the songs and I always pretended to be Sharpay Evans

10. Hike to a mountain top to watch the sunrise or drive out of town to stargaze? Both honestly I love the Universe and Nature

11. What song has the most relatable song lyrics to you? Peanut butter waffles by Ryan Caraveo the lyrics that Scream out to me probably are -

I been thinking 'bout you And I wanna go do something nice I can't take rejection And that's why I pay the crazy price If you ain't ecstatic I feel like I blew it big time I'm a little manic I just wanna see your big smile

Nothing means more to me Than when I hear that you're proud of me Acting like a kid Because I never quite learned how to be Peanut butter waffles When it's dinner time and I'm alone Hiding in my castle But the walls are made of styrofoam

12. Iced drinks or hot drinks? I like Iced drinks to be honest

13. Bright colors or neutral tones? I love bright colors

14. Breakfast for dinner or pizza for breakfast? Both Pizza is Yummy

15. Do you have a green thumb or a black thumb? I am not sure honestly

16. What’s your favorite feature of yours? My chin , Lol I know it sounds crazy but I have a little cleft in my chin and it makes me so happy !!!

17. Would you rather be a lawyer or a doctor? probably a Doctor

18. What type do you tend to go for physically? I go for someone I can vibe with honestly

19. Power of invisibility or flight? thats a hard one tbh

20. Would you rather wake up with your makeup magically done or your hair? My Hair I hate doing it lol

21. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? I dont think I could Pick just ONE I have had many dumb fights but who hasnt

22. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone do in public? Probably some chick curl her Hair with a curling iron on the train while being crazy High on drugs

23. What’s your dream date? I love sharks so my dream Date would have to be going to the aquarium and looking at all the animals and the sharks !!1

24. Do you tend to gravitate more toward using logic or intuition to make decisions? Logic for sure

25. Do you like parties? In a sense I do I suppose

26. Did you enjoy high school? I didnt really get the chance to do High school or Middle school I had behavioral issues and was in group homes and such

27. Who is the craziest person in your family and why? Probably Me lol I do alot of spontanious stuff and live in the now and not the what ifs

28. What’s your favorite holiday tradition? I love Our Chirstmas Tradition

29. Can you describe your laugh? Horrid thats it

30. Instagram or Twitter? Insta

31. What’s a show that everyone loves that you didn’t? The walking dead

32. What song is stuck in your head? Justin Bieber Love me

33. Do you like exercising? I do but I dont its a love hate relationship

34. Do you scare easily? Yes I do

35. Who are your top 5 celebrity crushes? Okay Justin Bieber , Chase Stokes , Machine Gun Kelly, Jackson Merrill and probably Zac Efron

36. If you could learn one language fluently what would it be? Italian I want to visit Italy one day I think that it is beautiful there

37. Would you fly to the moon if given the opportunity? duh .... who wouldnt

38. What’s your favorite flower? Sunflowers

39. What non-sexual touch affects you the most? affirmations

40. Do you enjoy cuddling? I do

41. Do you like valentine’s day? I dont know I have never had a "COUPLE" one so

42. Do you enjoy driving and are you a good driver? I am spongbob and dont have a license yet ... However I am in the process of doing it

43. What would you be most likely to become famous for? Probably caring for people

44. Do you have a favorite quote? I do "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game "

45. Are you a romantic? I am

46. Do you have any tattoos or want to get one? I have 6 of them I want more

47. Biggest pet peeve? Lying like you dont have to lie to kick it be real be you

48. Favorite personality trait about yourself? I am very caring

49. Sum up your type in three words. skater, white boy , crackhead lmao my best friend always tells me that my type is skinny white dudes with drug and anger issues

50. Do you listen to Kpop and if so who is your bias and why? No I do not

51. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed awake? probably like 3 days when I was in active addiction

52. Hot or cold weather? Hot

53. Bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates? Flowers

54. Can you do any good impressions? No

55. What’s the best prank you’ve been witness to? I havent :(

56. Favorite dessert? I fuck with icecream cake HARD and Pumpkin Pie

57. Is there a vine or tik tok you quote often? Yes the one that goes " two dudes chillin in a hot tub 5 feet apart cause their not gay "

58. What tumblr post always makes you laugh? I dont have one yet

59. What country that you haven’t been to do you want to visit most?Italy It is my dream

60. Can you cook and do you enjoy it? I can not but I am learning !!

61. What’s your guilty pleasure movie? I watch the cars movie lol

62. What’s your comfort movie? p.s. I love you

63. Is there a genre of music you don’t like? K-pop

64. What’s an album that you think has no skips on it? Right now it would have to be Jelly Rolls new album

65. What’s your favorite thing to watch on youtube? I like to watch random things and like the OG youtube like Jenna Marbles , Shane Dawson and like all those

66. Would you make the first move to ask someone out? yeah I would

67. Do you often dream or have nightmares that you remember when you wake up? Nope

68. What are you craving right now? Right now I just want to be held and reassurace that everything is going to be okay

69. What turns you on? Communication

70. What’s something you haven’t done that you think most people have? Been through hell

71. What genre is your favorite playlist right now and what’s it called? Its a mix of everything it is the "ON REPEAT" on spotify

72. Are you a sad or happy drunk? Chill or energetic drunk? I am all of the above

73. What time of day do you like best? noon

74. Do you tend to enjoy being babied or do you prefer to be the one taking care of someone else? Both

75. What top three cities do you want to travel to? I dont have Citys but I do have States which are , Washington , Oregon and Montanna

76. What’s your favorite feature about your best friend? Absolutely Everything

77. Do you have any pets? What are their names? I dont

78. Back scratches or having your hair played with? both are my favorite

79. Do you like surprises? I do

80. What’s your favorite picture of yourself? I dont have one

81. What books influenced you most as a child? All books

82. Do you like kids? I do

83. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? (or other accessory if you don’t wear any) My Z necklace and my Scorpio Necklace I wear them both for my Boys

84. Any wild stories passed around in your family? Nope

85. Do you consider yourself an independent person? yes I am

86. What are you most comfortable sleeping in? A big tshirt

87. What was your childhood dream? To be a Caseworker and a mom

88. What’s your fictional OTP? I dont know

89. What’s one thing you want to achieve this year? I want to be stable and finally have a home

90. What has been your favorite book you’ve read in the last 5 years? I havent been reading alot for awhile now and that needs to change

91. What was the first movie to make you cry? The Notebook

92. What book world would you live in if given the opportunity? The candy shop wars

93. What’s your craziest work related story? I dont have one

94. What’s the best job you’ve had so far? Taco TIme

95. Worst tinder or date experience? I dont have one

96. What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up most mornings? My little boy

97. Are you more of a planner or a spontaneous adventurer? Both

98. Do you think you see yourself the way other people see you? No

99. What’s the last show you binged? Bobs burgers

100. What’s one of your fondest memories? probably the day that I had my son has to be the best day in my entire life