I was depressingly dark. Thought that I’m such a useless human being. I can do good but only for other people’s sake. I don’t know how to appreciate my own life. I was that fucked up. - But now, it’s more like, not just that door I took it out of my room. I’m taking walls down.
 Privacy is no longer a big part of things I need in life.
   The more walls I’m taking down, the bigger my room become. A house, eventually.
   Exactly like this place I’m living in. People come in and then they go. I stopped running to meet new people and trying to be part of their lives. I stopped and stayed, and that’s when people started to become part of my life.
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At some point, I realized that this is my reality but not theirs.
   “We are on the different path(s)” - someone said that to me. I guess this is what everyone keeps telling themselves. It’s true though, because even though, we’re both here at the same time, in the same place but we’re in different realities. I can say that this is my real life, this is my reality where I meet and make new friends everyday. I say goodbye everyday as well. It’s like everyday is a new day until I met some people that I really wish I could have them in my life, and I wish I could be part of their lives but they all have to go. That’s the painful truth. They’re all leaving, going back to their real lives, their realities and I can’t be in there.
   So this is what happens with a house that has no door. People can freely walk in, stay for awhile and then freely leave. To be honest, sometimes I really wish I could lock some of them in but there’s nothing I can do to make them stay. They all have to go.
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   Then I got confused.
   Should I stay or should I go?
   Should I continue taking the walls down?
Recently I’ve been having that kind of thoughts, that I think I should leave this place as well and figure something new out. To be honest, it’s like the very first time in...I don’t know how long it has been but I can say that “I feel belong here” - I love this place, I love all these beautiful people I met. Some seemed so lost, some seemed so confident when they walked in here and know about the paths they’re on.
I think I learn best with people, that’s why I chose to be a place. That’s why I chose to stay instead of travel around so I can concentrate at new people not new places. My views are also changing even I’m not going to other places, I can see things differently when this same place surrounding by new people, things change. The more people I get to know, the more I learn more about myself. List of the unknown is shortened when I meet new people, at the same time, more ot the unknown is added on the list. It keeps going and it is beautiful.
I learned a few things about people who travels, same as I learned about why I don’t. I learned a tiny bit of enormous issue like, happiness. As a depressing emo kid, this is a very very huge step for me.
“To know your own happiness” - that’s what I knew before. Most of the time, I only know about things I don’t want in life, things I hate. Then, I knew that tiny happiness can also make me happy. I learned more. Maybe not that much but I learned how to be happy and that is what I really need in life.
“To appreciate little things” - I’ll be happy just to have good coffee, good food, good sleep, good talk, free drink and new friends. I can be happy everyday.
  “To let go” - I knew it already that I should let go of things that’s hurt me and not mine. But there’s a few more things that I happened to know. Sometimes there’s too many things come to me at the same time and I want them all then I tried to catch as much as I could but then missed it all, at the end I got nothing. Then again I had another chance, I let some go, and at the end I got some left in my hands. _But that’s not all that I learned to let go. I know now that it’s not just things that I hold onto, even though things that I don’t even hold onto, I still have to let them go. Things that I try so hard to reach to but it’s way too far faraway to get. At some point, I also have to let go of those things that I couldn’t reach to and look for something else that closer and more possible to reach to.
I’ve heard a lot about some phrases saying that “Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth” or something like that. Okay, let’s say that I think it’s not completely right or completely wrong. Just something weird about it.
   How is that even possible?
   I mean, we’re here now together. No one can really live their lives all alone. We all need each other to make it through. You can choose to be alone but you can’t really keep other people away. Even you didn’t let them in, they will always find a way to effect your life anyway. You will discover more selves of yours through those people who come into your life. From my experience, you can’t do this alone.
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