Tomorrow Will Worry About Itself

I'm an overthinker. As such, I'm also an oversharer. And you (or no one, as is likely the number of people viewing this page) get the pleasure of reading some of my ramblings.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

The thing my brain decided to remind me of last night when I was trying to fall asleep

TW: sexual assault

A month before I started dating my now-husband (over 5 years ago now), I hung out with this guy I met at pickup ultimate. Let’s call him Jack (in all honesty I can’t remember his name). He seemed nice, and I was still new to the city and happy to meet new people. So when he invited me to go out with his friends, I said yes.

We met up at Jack’s friend’s house in a neighborhood I wasn’t entirely familiar with and walked to a bar together. I was offered drinks a few times, although I had said ahead of time that I wouldn’t be drinking since I was on antibiotics. When we got to the bar, Jack and I stayed at the front of the bar while his friends disappeared deeper into the place. We chatted for a bit, but soon he was asking if I wanted “to get out of here”. We were in the middle of a pretty serious conversation about Crohn’s and UC, and the bar was loud (and I wasn’t drinking), so I didn’t think much of the suggestion and agreed. 

We ended up walking to his house, which turned out to be in the opposite direction of his friend’s house (and by extension, my car) from the bar. At his house, we sat on the couch and talked for a bit, but eventually we ended up in his room. I can’t quite remember how we got there; maybe I expressed that I wanted to go to bed because I had choir and church early the next morning, maybe he suggested going up. Either way, at this point, I remember not having the option to leave. I was in a neighborhood I didn’t know well, I had no idea where my car was with respect to me, and Jack had made it clear that he wasn’t going to help me get there until the morning.

So we went to his room, and went to bed, which would have been fine, I suppose, except that he wanted to do things I didn’t. I told him no, I explicitly laid out my boundary, and he crossed it again and again. It wasn’t violent, it wasn’t rape (actually, after checking the definition, maybe it was), but I definitely felt trapped and like I just had to deal with it.

In the morning, he drove me back to my car, and I went to church. But you know what the craziest part to me is? I went on ANOTHER date with this guy. He asked me, of course, and I intentionally arranged it for Thursday night, knowing that I had the built-in excuse of 10pm ultimate practice so I could avoid the possibility of being alone in my apartment with him. I had no intention of actually going to practice, I just needed the excuse.

However, at the end of the date, he insisted (in spite of some overly polite protesting on my part) on coming back to my apartment with me and hanging out while I got ready. And after I got ready, he walked me partway to my car (again, against my wishes), to the point where I felt I had to go to practice or else he would know and somehow be back at my apartment.

Thinking back on this now, it feels so clear to me. His actions, written out like this, are undeniably creepy. I felt intensely uncomfortable at the time, but because we got along otherwise.....I’m not really sure what I thought. But my reaction is “why did I go on a second date with him? How could I ignore the fact that I dreaded being alone with him? How could I ignore what he did?” And the appropriate response to that comes from a friend: we don’t victim blame here, he is the fucking bastard.

Oh and also: HE ghosted ME soon after because I told him I was a virgin. Thanks for saving me the trouble, asshole.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

A Thanks to Jon Bellion

(and those who co-write his songs)

Last fall, I had my heart broken, my childhood home was burglarized while I was visiting, and my dad was diagnosed with ALS and given 2-5 years to live. Needless to say, I was lost. Depressed. Having trouble finding my way out of this pit life had suddenly thrown me into.

I started listening to Jon Bellion shortly before all of this started, and it became my lifeline. The Human Condition allowed me to cry when I needed to and gave me life and the energy to face daily life when crying was all I wanted to do. There are truths in these songs that I needed to be reminded of many times to restore my hope.

Now, as I’m coming to terms with the fact that my dad may fall on the shorter end of that 2-5 year spectrum and having to accept that a miracle cure is unlikely to come about soon enough, I know exactly what to do to fight this renewed onset of pure sadness.

Honestly, I would have survived without this music, but with it, I can truly live in the face of the worst hardship I’ve yet seen in my own life. And that’s important.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

2016

I think we can all agree that 2016 was a weird, difficult year. But I think the best way to describe it is that it was the best of times and the worst of times.

Sure, a number of bad things happened. I got my heart broken, someone I love was diagnosed with a terminal disease, our house was burglarized, and I spent a few months feeling lonely and depressed in my new home city. That’s not even mentioning everything that’s gone on in the world (yeah, I’m self-centered, let’s move on).

But a lot of good things have happened too. I had a wonderful, fun, and friend-filled final semester at Bucknell (the best school of all time). I was accepted to the perfect PhD program in the perfect city, and I’m overjoyed to be studying something I’m passionate about, and doing well at it. I started dating an incredible guy (who I wouldn’t have met if it hadn’t been for this PhD program). And I’ve gotten to spend more time with my family than I generally have in the past few years. AND there are actually good things happening in the world around us, although they often get overshadowed by the bad things.

So yeah, 2016 was rough and maybe it’s about time to move on, but let’s not forget all the great things we’ve experienced.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Have you ever looked in the mirror and felt like your outsides didn't match your insides? Like you looked perfectly good and put-together on the outside but on the inside you were just torn up pieces of nothing? Yeah. It sucks.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Take care of the planet, please.

Okay, you know what's really been getting to me recently? I've been seeing this commercial recently advertising these fancy chocolates that are individually wrapped. And I hate that unnecessary luxury at the expense of the environment. Like, okay, if it's candy you're handing out at some big event or Halloween or whatever, yes it makes sense for it to be individually wrapped. But when all that extra plastic is just to increase the decadence of the thing with no regard for your environmental impact? That irks me.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Love Yourself

So a couple months ago, I was venting to a friend about my lack of love life, as per usual, and he suggested that maybe I’ve avoided learning to love myself by trying to find someone to love me, while I’ve been busy caring about my friends and their lives. Now, at the time, I didn’t really get what he meant. I have self-confidence, I like myself, I’m proud of the person I’ve become. What else is there to loving yourself?

But recently I started thinking about it again, and it occurred to me: when someone loves you, it’s more than just emotions. They do things for you to show their love. And in my life, I don’t go out and do things just for me. I wait for people to invite me to do things, or I ask people to do something with me (though I usually leave it up to them what we do). I’ve been relying on the promise of someone coming along and pushing me to try new things, to go outside of my comfort zone. But if I really love myself, I have to do things on my own.

So yesterday, I spent three hours at the botanical gardens by myself, just walking around and taking pictures and enjoying time to myself. And I might have been exhausted (it was a long day), but I’m proud of myself for doing something just for me and not for anyone else. And maybe that’s what my friend meant all those months ago.

Love yourself actively, as you would someone else.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Alternative Families

The end of a school year is always sad for me. There’s something very depressing about an empty dorm room and spaces that are usually loud being silent. But of course, this year is particularly sad because I graduated. In my time at Bucknell, I’ve been a kind of social butterfly, without a solid crew or squad, as they call it. But in spite of that, I’ve found a few groups which have become like families.

The first is my brother’s fraternity, Delta Upsilon. I met the brothers when I was a high school sophomore, and they were one of the most welcoming groups of people I’d ever met. Over the course of my first three years here, their house became a home for me, a safe haven when I was stressed and emotional. Pretty soon, I was spending every weekend and some afternoons during the week at DU, doing homework, watching movies, playing games, drinking (obviously), and just generally destressing. I never worried about the brothers judging me or thinking less of me. They were my family, whether they knew it or not, and this past year without them has been incredibly tough.

The second is my ultimate frisbee team, the Peacefrogs. Though we’ve had our share of hard times, recruitment-wise, the team we’ve brought together this semester has been incredible. They’re so supportive, caring, and fun to be with. When I was sick, they all pitched in to make me feel better, and that might have been the most helpful thing of all.

The third is the physics department. Every professor there genuinely cared about me, and without their continued encouragement, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

The fourth is Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. I’ve always found that a community of faith is the best family you can ask for, and IV has been no different. No matter how long I’ve been away, I always feel this sense of belonging and acceptance when I come back.

These groups have been crucial to my success at Bucknell, and I am so thankful to each and every person for all they’ve done for me.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

You are worthwhile.

This one’s to remind all those Christian women out there (and non-Christians, sure. And men, why not?) that even if you’ve fucked up a little or done things that are sinful, you are still worthwhile. God forgives you and loves you, and you need to forgive and love yourself. And if you should meet someone who you believe to be a good, God-fearing Christian and he/she does not love and accept you because of your past mistakes and your current flaws, that person is not living out their faith. Christianity is about love and forgiveness and mercy. So strive to be better every day, but don’t beat yourself up when you fall. Get back up and love yourself and know that there is someone out there who will love you unconditionally and who will always see the light in you, even when you can’t see it yourself.

And remember this, something I heard in a video once: You are God’s original masterpiece, and God doesn’t make junk.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Consent

It’s a pretty simple concept, right? If a sober person in their right mind says, “Yes, I want to do this” under no duress, you’ve got consent. Of course, you have to continually obtain consent at each step of the way. But still. Not too complicated.

Yet somehow, I have a lot of trouble identifying non-consensual situations in my own life. It can take me several days, weeks, months, years to realize that something that happened to me was not consensual. That I in fact never gave consent, or that I withdrew my consent without it being recognized somehow. If I’m drunk, I can’t give informed consent. If I say no while smiling, this does not mean consent. If I tell you to leave and you think I’m joking because I’m so good-natured, that is not consent. If I eventually comply after pushing, prodding, and coaxing, that is still not consent.

I know when things happen with guys and I’m not dating them that it’s a poor decision. I know it’s not right and I’ll regret it and I’ll feel awful about it (see my second post and multiply that feeling by a million). But the thing is, even when it’s not, I still look at it as my decision. Everything that I mentioned in the paragraph above has happened to me at some point, and in every situation, I’ve always thought of it as my fault.

But it’s not. It’s not my fault. I clearly said no, or I didn’t provide consent, or I resisted. And I need to stop blaming myself for things like this. It just makes me feel horrible about myself. Maybe I can make some better decisions to avoid situations like this (and I plan to), but I can’t keep berating myself for things that, by my lack of consent, should not have happened in the first place.

It’s time to forgive.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Let’s talk sisterhood.

It’s rush season right now. Which is a very exciting time for a lot of individuals and organizations. It’s also a very trying and difficult time for many individuals. And I’m not just talking about the girls who are trying to get into sororities and are feeling hurt by the cuts. It’s also difficult for some people already in the sorority. Yes, I’m talking about me.

Let’s face it. Sorority isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. It’s not like those recruitment videos that have become so popular recently. It’s not all laughter and dancing and everyone getting along swimmingly. It’s hard. There are cliques. Sometimes people don’t like you. Even your sisters. Sometimes, like me, the people who were your friends before becoming your sisters become closer with others and you’re left in the dust. Sometimes executive positions are a popularity contest. Sometimes sorority means forced friendships.

During this past rush, sorority for me meant sitting on the suite, waiting for a round to start, watching all my old friends and near-strangers laugh and chat and take pictures together and feeling like high school all over again. It felt awful. It’s nobody’s fault. It just happens sometimes. If I had more time, maybe it wouldn’t be like this. But it is. And it sucks.

I just think that girls need to know the truth about sorority. It isn’t for everyone. And it isn’t what it’s advertised to be.

But it’s not all bad. I’m not trying to hate on sorority. I mean, I’m in one. If there was nothing good about it, I’d have disaffiliated. There are good things. There are people I would never have met if it hadn’t been for my sorority. For instance, my little. I didn’t even know her when I got assigned her as my little. And she’s awesome. I love her. There are people I would have met but wouldn’t have become close to. My big is just one such person. She’s amazing. I talk to her about almost everything. And I’m so thankful to my sorority for giving me these two people. I just have to remind myself of that whenever I get down on sorority for making me feel bad.

So if I had it to do over again, even with all the bad times I’ve had in this sisterhood, I would still do rush. I would still choose my sisterhood every time.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Dreams

So I don’t know about any of you, but I have some really weird dreams. But it’s really easy to classify them into categories:

- People/Things trying to kill me: 90%

- Completely normal, mundane dreams which I will probably have deja vu about later: 4%

- Actual good dreams: 6%

And that’s all of my dreams. Based on talking to friends and family, I’ve gathered that most people would call the first category nightmares, but wouldn’t it be kind of depressing to call the majority of things my brain comes up with while I sleep nightmares? Yeah. It would. So I call them dreams. Sometimes it’s everyone I know (friends and family included) coming after me in a sort of mob, sometimes it’s a family member with the intent to kill me, sometimes it’s random people I can’t identify, and a friend or family member will protect me, sometimes a friend or family member will watch and do nothing.

The thing is, I have no idea what causes these dreams. I’m a very trusting person who assumes the best of other people, and I have great friends and family. I’ve actually thought about asking a specialist of some sort, to see if they have any insight, just because I’m so curious.

But anyway. Here’s the weird part (you’re probably thinking this is all really weird, but it’s normal to me). The whole time I was in a relationship this summer, I had plenty of dreams, but I didn’t have a single dream about people singling me out and trying to kill me. That has never happened to me before. Never. In my entire life. And then the day I left, I also ended my relationship, and that night I had my first dream about people trying to kill me since we started dating.

So that’s really weird. And intriguing.

Anyone got any ideas? I’d welcome your thoughts.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

A good girl with a rebellious edge

That’s how one of my best friends described me recently. I think it’s an accurate description, and I love it. I love that people don’t always know what to expect of me, that I can surprise people just by being me. But as much as I love being this way, it comes with its difficulties.

(Before I get started, I want to assure you that not all of my posts will be about relationships. It’s just that I’m thinking about a lot of this for the first time.)

Now. I thoroughly identify as the good Christian girl, Daddy’s little girl type. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But having grown up this way, I’ve learned to associate certain things with being bad. It feels as though there’s a certain societal expectation of us good girls that we don’t do what other girls do, nor would we want to. It feels as though I shouldn’t do anything more than holding hands with or tamely kissing boys, as though I shouldn’t even want to. 

Obviously that’s absurd. I’m a heterosexual woman, and as such it’s healthy for me to sometimes make out and get a little physical (within reason; I have boundaries as a result of some of my beliefs as a Christian). But even though I know it’s okay for me to be somewhat physically intimate with the guy I’m dating, I always feel like a terrible person. I’m constantly questioning my desires and wanting to distance myself from it, to the point where I’ll make up an excuse for him to leave (they’re always exaggerated truths).

Over the past few weeks, I’ve gotten better, but it’s still hard. I like that rebellious edge I have, that pushes me out of my comfort zone and allows me to make out, not knowing quite where that’ll lead. But then without reason I start to feel like I’m doing wrong. And then I start to think that maybe this isn’t what I should be doing, that I should probably pray about it, maybe read some bible verses. And then I force distance.

I’m a little hazy on the whole “purity” thing in the Christian rhetoric, so I can’t really speak to whether or not I’ve crossed a line there. In any case, I know once I figure it out, God will forgive me for anything I’ve done wrong. And the rest of it I know is just some connotation I’ve built up in my head from how I grew up.

But man does it make dating difficult.

[canthidemysoul-blog]

Fear

Sometimes I get this weird fear that I’ll never fall in love.

I have no similar fears about being in a serious relationship or having someone fall in love with me. At the risk of sounding egotistical, I’m fairly certain those things will happen for me. But for some reason, I have this weird feeling that I just won’t be able to fall in love.

I think for most people, fears about falling in love have to do with vulnerability. I have no such qualms. If you’ve read the about, you know I’m an oversharer. I tell people EVERYTHING. And I never have any anxiety about doing so. So that isn’t the problem.

When I first thought about this, I thought maybe it had something to do with how rational and logical I am, or how independent I’ve grown to be. But if I’m being honest, I’m really not that rational and logical. I have a big heart (someone else’s words, not mine), and I tend to follow it, even when it gets me into trouble. I am independent, but I don’t think that’s the problem either.

No, I think the problem is that I have no experience. I’m 21 years old and I’m just about to end my first ever relationship. And this relationship will be less than two months long, when it’s all said and done. Though it’s been an incredible experience, I’ve been away from home for the summer, and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that we’ll see each other again anytime soon, so why keep it up (see? rational).

Though I’ve always been very interested in dating and have tried to stay out of hookup culture, up until this point, none of the men in my life have initiated anything in a timely manner (I actually think the time constraint is the only reason I’m in my current relationship). So I haven’t had any experience with a serious relationship. I’m still struggling with the expectation of spending my time with just one other person instead of bouncing around or being on my own. So of course I can’t imagine falling in love. I haven’t had intense emotions of that sort in my own life because I’ve never had one person dedicating their time to me and me doing the same for them. Yet I can believe someone will fall in love with me because I’m seeing how this guy feels about me (which, regardless of my self-confidence, still shocks me daily). And I can believe I’ll have a serious relationship someday, because if I had more time here, I think we’d get there. But I can’t visualize something I’ve never been close to. So this fear doesn’t have anything to do with my ability and everything to do with my experiences up to this point.

But still, I worry.