Captain Llama Universe

My normal username was taken. So Tumblr suggested Captain Llama Universe. That's my story.

[captainllamauniverse]

Gotta say, didn't ever picture myself spending the evening at a house-warming party of my ex and their current partner.

The things you do for your kids.

[captainllamauniverse]

Packing up to move out of the home I've lived in for the last 8 years. My oldest was starting preschool while we were getting settled and my youngest was just a tiny toddler. Now they are both more pre-teen than anything else. I started and finished school here. Left my husband. Began my career. I figure out a lot of sh*t here.

There is a special kind of whiplash that comes from sorting through the basement, going box to box - finding an old blower from a dryer in one and momentos from my wedding in another. My mother's bills mixed in with my ex's old university notes. Baby clothes sprinkled through it all.

I'm so excited to be moving and so proud of myself for getting us to this point. And I'm ready to leave the ghosts that hide in the corners behind. But it's still going to be a hard goodbye.

[captainllamauniverse]

The person I work for and I literally barely talk. We work less than 10m apart, but mostly communicate through email or chat. Even then, there is NO small talk.

It is perfect. He stops my my desk to talk about work just often enough to reassure me that he doesn't hate me. 95% of my interactions with people come in the form of them saying good morning as they walk by my desk. I was a grumpy, exhausted monster for 3 days due to the time change and it only came up if I explicitly told people in the lunch room. 10/10 recommend.

[sunsbleeding]

[captainllamauniverse]

Every time he goes radio silent or doesn't show up at the time and place he is supposed to, I get to play the fun game of 'should I be worried or mad?' Did he flake out or is he hurt or in trouble somewhere?

He doesn't think he owes me anything. Fine. I can see that as being at least partially true. He doesn't owe me explanations or details about his life. I haven't given him those in years at this point. But I kinda feel like the basics like will or will not be somewhere aren't an unreasonable ask. Because it isn't me that it's hurting.

But holy shit. I am exhuasted. All the time. Because I am the one who is there. All the time. Then I get shit on for being controlling and pushing him out. All the time.

[captainllamauniverse]

Things are getting bad again and life is very, very hard.

He sees me as being cruel and punishing him for being authentic to himself and for having a bad week. It's not that. There are so many concerning behaviors. So many things I recognize from the last episode.

I need to protect the kids. First and foremost, protect their safety. Which is a very legitimate concern. And secondly, protect their relationship with their father. I'll let them see him. But pausing being alone with him while he weathers the worst of this, hopefully. Unpause and carry on as usual. Let them know they are safe, but not let them see the messiness.

But, wow, do I have to be the bad guy to do that. Safety plans. Backup plans. Constant concern and stress. Enough confrontation to make me physically want to throw up.

Fuck. I hate this.

[captainllamauniverse]

I don't say anything most of the time I get walked over by my ex. I let it go when he interrupts me when I try to check in with the kids to tell me that he's got it. I answer his judgey questions whenever I do something with the house that he wouldn't have done or change the way I do a chore. Whatever. But he came over yesterday without having told me, just the kids yesterday. He was only talking to the kids because I had gone out of my way to keep him up to date about a dentist appointment. He didn't even check to see if we'd be home! Which seems egregious enough to say something about.

So I send a message to him after he'd left that he hasn't responded to yet. I feel anxious and guilty for saying anything. Which is ridiculous because it's not asking to much to know when someone is coming over! I wouldn't have said no because I never say no.

Every part of me is screaming that I need a break from him. And I try to get enough space to breathe but it never works.

[captainllamauniverse]

It would be hard to pinpoint what my kid's dad did this week that pissed me off the most. But if I had to, I'd say when he took on the responsibility of getting them to summer camp and then just didn't give them any lunch. He had so many chances to not screw it up. Them sleeping over wasn't a surprise and he had advanced warning that there would be camp. He'd gone to the grocery store special to have enough food. I offered to bring him enough tupperware containers. Yet, he barely gave them enough food to cover snack time and sent the kids crackers in old coffee cups.

He also seemingly loves to undermine me at every chance because I'm apparently a monster for wanting my kid who is literally covered in dirt to have a shower. And then there was a whole thing about him sulking because the kids were exhausted and wanted to come home with me rather than staying at his place. So I ended up talking it through with them and helping them decide to stay with him when, in fact, all I wanted was for them to come with me.

Ugh. It's been a rough while. Now I get to go camping with him and his dad and the kids for over a week. Since clearly I can't trust him to do basic parenting. I might cry.

[captainllamauniverse]

I’m having weird self-esteem issues about getting ready to go back to work. Like, these people met me one time. Based on that and the recommendation of my college program director, they were actively trying to get me to work for them. Making compromises and negotiating things. While all I can see is my lack of experience. I’m just a mom. A mom whose ex has spent a rather long time implicitly (bordering on explicitly, at times) telling me that I wasn’t even all that good at it. Despite me repeatedly and directly asking for positive affirmations. I know I failed at being a wife and I have gotten very little feedback that I’m not failing at being a mom. I guess it’s not fair to blame him for my lack of self-esteem. It’s probably a bigger issue. I never had any. But anyway. I don’t doubt that I’ll be able to do the job. I’m interested in the work. I’m excited and am hopeful that it’ll be a good fit. I’m just suspicious that they seem to think the same. 

[captainllamauniverse]

I’m constantly overwhelmed by the presence of my kid’s dad. I am exhausted and feel like I’m constantly in need of a break from him. A chance to breathe and recover from the chaos and comments and intrusions to my space. Should we sit down and talk through some issues that are there? Yes. Is it unfair for me to throw out snarky comments when I feel overwhelmed? Yes. But the idea of taking some of that recovery time between him being over visiting with the kids is quite aversive. 

[captainllamauniverse]

I wish there were a right way to be separated from your husband. A checklist or a how-to. I feel like I’m doing it wrong. 

I’m cleaning out my closet. What the heck does one do with the old ripped jeans he’d use to paint? Or that box of grown-up stuff hidden on the high shelf? Or, fuck, a wedding dress? 

I’m so mad at myself. Because damn it, this is hard. And at the end of the day, it’s my own choosing. Sometimes I wish I could forgive and go back. As if that wouldn’t just crush me faster.

[captainllamauniverse]

Sign I’m maybe not ok. I minorly upset my friend. I feel AWFUL. Like, even I see that it’s beyond the range of normal guilt. I want to apologize again. But that would make it all about me. I kinda just want to disappear for a bit since obviously she must hate me and that would be best. Seriously, it was not a big thing I did. Sigh.

[captainllamauniverse]

Psych. There are all those feelings. They were just lurking in the background, waiting for my stress levels to go down a bit. 

Goodness, I’m such a mess I don’t even know when I’ll be a mess. 

[captainllamauniverse]

A year ago yesterday, my marriage went from really bad to an all-consuming explosive trash fire. And I thought it would be a really hard day to see come and go. But it wasn’t actually that bad. Since life is now just a smoldering ash pile with potential to put something half decent in it’s place. It was less a painful reminder of what has happened and more a bittersweet reminder of where I am now. And that is personal growth, motherf***ers.

[captainllamauniverse]

He’s not wearing his ring anymore. Which is fine. It’s good. It’s a sign that he has accepted that we aren’t together and aren’t going to be. And honestly, it’s one of only a few signs. But then I look around and see all the things that I’ve just left as they were. The things that I haven’t move on past. His clothes still sit in our bedroom closet. The ones that he hasn’t taken with him anyway. Stuff sits on shelves and on counters not because I put them there but because he left them there. I want it to be my home, but it’s still very much the house we shared for years. Part of it is having time and energy to prioritizing these extra things. But part of it is because it feels like a betrayal to both him and the kids.  I never realized that breaking up is not just a one time thing. It is actively choosing to be separate over and over again. Yes, it is what I want and yes, it is me doing it. But. Damn.

[captainllamauniverse]

I feel exhausted. Which is kinda a trend. But I’m all needy and lonely and pathetic, and it’s annoying even to me. I am finding myself annoying in all kinds of ways that I guess were just annoying to him before? Or were lost into the abyss because there was always another person around to block it? But more likely, I’m just late to the party and annoy everyone. Ugh. So that’s where I’m at. 

I need to get my butt into some kind of therapy. Because it’s all fine and good to say that I don’t want to go back to how things were. But until I fix *vague hand gestures* all this, I might very well just find new and exciting ways to light my life on fire. My goodness, that has happened enough and I’m done with it.

[captainllamauniverse]

What the heck am I supposed to do with the kids all day if EVERYTHING just gets turned into a thing he missed out on? I can’t freaking watch a movie without hearing about it.