carebear1784

Just a gal trying to get through life.

[carebear1784]

More About Change(s) . . . Part 2

One of my recent therapy h/w assignments was to make a list of all of the changes I've recently (within the last 6 months) experienced.  This is a continuation of Part 1, that I posted a couple of days ago.

(4)  I changed therapists - - - The status of this change is yet to be determined.  I like my new therapist but she’s new to me and she’s not any of my previous therapists.  I do like that she reminds me of bits and pieces of two of my previous therapists that I really liked.  She challenges me but sometimes I feel like she’s prying or pushing too hard for me to open up.  I don’t trust easily, not at all.  It takes me awhile to open up and figure out if I can trust someone.  The more she pushes/pries, the less I want to talk/share.  I understand the whole assessment process and whatnot, however, if I don’t feel ready to divulge specifics/details concerning something and express that verbally and non-verbally, I expect it to be dropped and noted as something to come back to.  I will/do eventually open up about things and share details/specifics but not until I know I can trust you.

(5)  I went through/am going through medication changes - - - My husband and I want to have kids, not just yet, but perhaps we will start trying next spring/summer.  We’d really prefer to have a pregnancy free of psychiatric medications, if at all possible.  So I’m trying to go off of my meds, with the help of my psychiatrist, in the hopes of being med free by February or March.  Around this time last year, I was on 6 different psychiatric medications (5 daily and 1 PRN).  Now I’m on 3 (all daily).  I will admit that the transition of getting off the meds has been somewhat difficult (physically, mentally and/or emotionally), depending on the medication that was being discontinued and how long it took to get off it.  The status of this change is also to be determined.  I believe that if I keep the end goal in mind, it will be ok.  Hopefully I’m right.

  To be continued . . .

[carebear1784]

More About Change(s) . . . Part 1

One of my recent therapy h/w assignments was to make a list of all of the changes I've recently (within the last 6 months) experienced.  I thought I'd share and discuss that list on here, as a sort of update and an outlet for my thoughts/feelings.  This is kind of long, so I’ll post it in portions.

I got married - - - Overall, I'd say this change has been for the better.  It's really nice to always have someone to hang out with, to talk to, to love, to make decisions with, etc.  However, I still haven't adjusted to sharing a bed, needing to discuss large purchases with someone else/sharing finances, needing to discuss making plans/arranging social engagements with someone else if they're to take place at a time where we are both available, etc.  Even though the change itself has been a good one, it's still a really difficult adjustment to go through.

I moved to a new town, with a man who is not related to me (my husband) - - - Moving to an unfamiliar area has never been easy for me, especially when I either don't know anyone or only know a handful of people.  I feel extremely limited in what I can do, anxious about trying to build new relationships and I feel even further and more disconnected from the relationships/people I already know and have known for a really long time.  The only men I've lived with have been my brothers or my father.  Because of my trauma history, I've never wanted to live with a man, for fear that he would try to take advantage of me.  I figured it would just be safer for me to live alone, with females or with male relatives.  I think this change just about equals out.  Living in a new town = unpleasant but living with my husband = essential to maintain a healthy relationship with him.

I changed jobs - - - This change was/has been/is terrible.  I loved my previous job SO much!  The job was awesome and most of the people I worked with/for were amazing too.  I felt like I was easily able to keep up-to-date with continuing education in my field (a certification requirement) and be able to actually understand and apply what I was learning on the job.  It was at a hospital, just big enough to be busy but not big enough to need to specialize in a particular area.  When I was looking for my first job in this field after graduation, I knew what I wanted, what I didn't want, and where to find it.  I stuck to my guns about what shift(s) to apply for and the type of location/facility to apply to.  Even though that limited my options, I was still able to obtain/start a position that fit my criteria less than 1 month after graduation (and 1.5 weeks after obtaining certification).  At the time I was applying for my first job in the field, I was already working full time, so I wasn't in a terrible rush to find a job.  I knew I could just keep my retail job until I found something I really wanted.  Unfortunately, this time around, I didn't have that luxury.  I could only stick to my guns on the shift part b/c I just needed a job ASAP, as the wedding was quickly approaching.  I ended up getting a job at a clinic.  Other than working with (mostly) nice people, it sucks.  I had to take a cut in pay AND hours (double whammy financially), continuing education is all theoretical, as we work in such a small facility with such limited technology.  Therefore, most of the continuing education materials are not able to be applied/practiced on the job.  In addition, it's not very busy most days.  Not busy = time spent in my head = not good mentally/emotionally for me.

[carebear1784]

It's always sad to hear when someone you knew has passed on . . . even more so if you weren't in touch with that person for awhile.  Not that you were on bad terms or anything, just drifted away from one another.  What makes this loss even tougher is that he passed away b/c he lost his battle with ED, anxiety and depression.  He was such a talented and compassionate person.  It sucks.  He was also a huge proponent for ED recovery and was asked to make a video for ED Awareness Week.  Rest in peace Matt Ryd.

Here's a link to a blogger who wrote about him and shared his ED Awareness Week video, if you care to check it out: http://arenomore.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/in-loving-memory-of-matt-ryd/

[carebear1784]

Hey there everybody!

I only have a couple of minutes right now as we are having people over tonight but I wanted to write a quick post.  I know I'm not the best at posting on here . . . I read just about everything posted by the people that I follow, I'm just not in the writing mood lately.  I've been having a tough time lately too, so that makes me want to isolate even more.  Change is extremely difficult!  That may even be an understatement.

More later . . . our first guests just arrived.

[carebear1784]

Sorry I've been absent the past month or so . . . things have been crazy!  There's a lot of stuff that has happened since the last time I posted, but I don't want to bore everyone with all the details, so I'll just post some highlights.

Saturday, May 11th was my wedding day!  I married a wonderful man who is so perfect for me in so many ways.  Our day was awesome!  It was a ton of fun AND we didn't get into any debt paying for our special day, not even a penny!  Yeah, we could've had prettier and/or more decorations (for the ceremony and the reception), we could've had everything at a fancy banquet hall, country club or hotel, and we could've picked out more expensive and/or better quality rings . . . but that's not what matters to us.  What matters to us, is US!  We wanted the focus to be on our commitment to one another and our relationship with each other and with God.  I wouldn't change anything about that day.

Our honeymoon was a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas.  It was a blast!  Neither one of us had ever been on a cruise or left the country before, so it was the perfect thing to do.  There was so much to do, on the ship and at the places we stopped.  We've vowed to take another cruise, hopefully before we decide to try and get pregnant.

We moved the day after we got back from the honeymoon and went back to work the day after moving.  Things have been really chaotic trying to unpack, organize, work, write thank you notes, and spend time with each other and others.  We're getting there though, we hope to be finished with everything by this coming Saturday.

Well, that's all I have time for right now, unfortunately.  I'll post some pictures the next time I get a chance.

[carebear1784]

Holy cow how time flies! I'm getting married today! :) SUPER excited!

[carebear1784]

Pre-wedding jitters

Ahhhhh!  My wedding is only 12 days away (not counting today)!  Holy cow, time has flown by since we got engaged in July!  I'm slowly becoming less anxious about some things but more anxious about other things.

We found a place to live last weekend, but we can't sign the lease until Friday b/c of our crazy schedules, and then we won't even be able to move in until the day after we return from the honeymoon, b/c we don't want to move in the week of the wedding.  However, I still have to do my very best to pack everything before the wedding.  Can you say stressed out?

I saw three different therapists for initial assessments.  I really didn't like one of them, so she's out of the running.  One of them was ok, and I really liked the third one.  Dilemma here: the one that was just ok has hours where I can see her during the day before work and the one I really like has just evening hours and I'd have to meet with her every other Friday afternoon/evening when I'm off.  I don't have an issue with going on Fridays, but that's Gary's day off . . . so I'd be leaving him alone every Friday, either for work or therapy.  However, if I saw the one with the day hours, he'd never be able to come to a session with me and I think our couples sessions are important and very useful, especially when I'm really struggling.

Well . . . that's all I have time to write for now.  I hope everyone is doing well!

[carebear1784]

Relief

This may seem odd, but then again, maybe not. Ever since I engaged in SIB a week ago, I have not had nearly as many urges, nor are they as intense. I'm SI free since then too. Maybe that's all I needed? Just to do it one time to get it off my mind. Ahhhh, feels so good not to be plagued constantly by those thoughts and urges right now.

[psych-facts]

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk. This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy. Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude. Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people. On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public. Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Read More

[carebear1784]

Invade my privacy

☝ - How tall are you?

✔ - Sexual Orientation

♨ - Do you Smoke?

☟ - Do you Drink?

♒ - Do you Take Drugs?

✖ - Age you get mistaken for

☆ - Have Tattoos?

★ - Want any tattoos?

☯ - Got any Piercings?

✌ - Want any piercings?

♧ - Best friend?

♥ - Do you like anyone?

♔ - Top 5 favorite bands?

♬ - Top 5 favorite songs?

☹ - Biggest pet peeve?

✍ - Story from your childhood.

☄ - I wish…

® - Favorite foods?

☀ - Story about your day.

♕ - Top 5 celebrity crushes?

♔ - Top 5 favorite movies?

☮ - Top 5 favorite TV shows?

✏ - Random fact about yourself.

[carebear1784]

I'm a failure

Ugh! I'm pissed and disappointed with myself . . . but at the same time I just feel relieved. After a LONG period of not self-injuring (a little over 3 years) I gave in and injured today. I know it was a really dumb decision, but it seriously relieved so much built up tension and anxiety! I know, in my wise mind, that those effects will not last and that I will just have to keep injuring to continue to feel what I feel right now. I absolutely can't make this a regular occurrence, especially with my wedding coming up in about a month! Grrr!

[talkingtokafka]

We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

E. E. Cummings (via inmilkwood)

[carebear1784]

Venting

Well . . . I've made 3 initial appointments with 3 different, new therapists and am waiting to hear back from 1 more.  This sucks, I don't want to find a new therapist.  I start my new job on Monday the 8th.  I'm super nervous and I wish I didn't have to leave my current job.  I've made several calls about apartments, but people either haven't returned my call or have no units available at this time.  Ugh.  I friggin' hate all this crap!  Why did my fiance and I have to fall in love, living 70 miles away from one another???

[akaq-deactivated20110803-deacti]

True/False game. Make an assumption about me in my ask and I’ll tell you if its true or false. Go.

[carebear1784]

Change is coming . . .

Well, I was the first one to find a job between me and my fiance.  I'm very conflicted about this.  I mean, it's better than the alternative of not having a job or of having to go back and work retail again, but it just sucks that I have to undergo a million changes and he doesn't.  He even wants to continue living in the town he grew up in (where he still lives now).  I absolutely despise that idea and it doesn't seem like he's listening to me. 

I'm not sure how to get through to him that I feel this is extremely unfair, for me to make all these changes/sacrifices and for him to not want to or flat out refuse to do either.  Unless I'm hallucinating or WAY off base . . . last time I checked, relationships (and especially marriages) involve sacrifice and compromise from both parties involved.  Ugh!  I'm very frustrated!  And to add to that, I'm not really getting much (if any) support from others about the situation that would actually have an influence with him.  I love the man to death, but sometimes he can be so difficult, stubborn, and opinionated!  It feels like my thoughts and feelings don't even matter to him sometimes.  He would totally deny that any part of the previous statement is true.  However, I still feel that way and based upon his actions, I would say that is at least partially true, concerning certain matters anyway.

Advice anyone?

[carebear1784]

Surprise beautiful person! Once you get this, you must put it into at least 8 people’s asks (anonymously) who deserve it. If you break the chain, nothing will happen, but it is nice to know that someone thinks you’re beautiful inside and out. ♥

Aww, thanks anonymous person!  You're so nice!  I hope you have a great day!  :)

[carebear1784]

TAG! YOU'RE IT! Here's how it works: you post ten random facts about yourself in response to this. Once you're done, send this message to your ten favorite Tumblr blogs. GO! :)

1. I have a tattoo of an atom of Carbon on my right shoulder

2. My fiance created an annual holiday in my honor (it's the last Saturday in March)

3. I'm getting married in 46 days

4. I have two B.S. degrees and will hopefully be getting a M.S. degree within the next 5 years or so (once my B.S. degrees are paid off)

5. I graduated on the same day (May 12th) in 2007 and 2012 (I thought that was kinda creepy)

6. My soon to be in-laws set up an Easter egg hunt for myself and their 2 children to compete in each year, even though I'm 29, my fiance is 28 and his younger sister is 24 (LOL!)

7. I'm the reigning champion of said Easter egg hunt and hope to retain my title this year

8. I have been SI-free for 3 years now, despite my intense urges and constant thoughts about it

9. I'm obsessed with way too many TV shows

10. I own over 150 DVDs, and that's just movies, not even counting the many seasons of TV I also own.