So excited to see what he was cooking he came inside to holding tightly onto his bag. Saeran closed the door behind him before speaking, āWhat kind of soup are you making?ā Slipping his coat off and resting it on a chair he noticed the silver package but didnāt say anything. Instead he slipped a small package wrapped in newspaper out and set it beside it. Looking over to Castor again he made sure he didnāt notice. Coming up behind him though Saeran Prssed his face to Casās shoulder.
"It's, uh, pumpkin soup." It was one of his favourites and he hadn't even thought to ask Saeran if he liked that kind. Castor reached for a spoon and started to slowly stir the soup around. It felt so much better to have another human being around him. To feel the security. A smile kept to his face as he felt Saeran press against him.
The warmth of happiness spread through his body. He wanted to hum and to hear all about Saeran's trip even if the boy had kept him up to date the entire time. Not really wanting to move away from the touch, but also not wanting to be stuck standing in front of the stove Castor regrettably moved away. "So tell me more about your trip, huh?"
Saeran had actually gotten a haircut while away, not by choice though. it had been in āthe best interestā of the school. For the competition. he also was wearing a new coat something bought for him when they gave him a small makeover. All in all he was pretty dolled up looking. Seeing Cas though, it was an undescribeable feeling. A huge grin spread across his face before jumping into a hug. Holding tightly onto his boyfriend he felt like he forgot what he smelt like what it felt like to hold him.
"You look great!" Castor's cheeks hurt at how hard he was smiling. Even a couple of days apart felt like a lifetime. He held tightly onto Saeran, stumbling back a little at the force of the others hug. After a few moments of soaking in the feeling of another human being Castor pulled back.
"I'm making some soup. Oh!" He took a couple steps back, about to point out his present but decided against it. He would let Saeran be the one to point it out. "I -uh- need to check the soup." He turned around, looking over the small wrapped box before sliding back to the kitchen.
Saeran was actually really happy to be coming home from his trip. It had been mandatory for school to participate in some sort of mathematics competition/convention and the school had came in 2nd place. Still Searan wasnāt happy or sad or anything with the award he was just ready to see Cas. They had texted and talked and emailed but it was torture not being able to see him. For old times sake he knocked on the door of Castorās apartment happily.
Castor was humming around his apartment, working on a pot of soup. The weather was finally starting to get cold and he was in the mood for a big pot of something homemade. A small smile pulled at his cheeks as he kept himself busy in his little apartment. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a wool sweater, the sleeves rolled up because of the warmth of indoors. He had kept his hair short since his trip to the hospital.
He wrapped his hands around a small parcel on the coffee table. It was for when Saeran got back. He was expecting him at any time now. Maybe the excitement to see his boyfriend again was giving him the happy hum he had been feeling all day. Castor ran a finger over the smooth silver wrapping paper. It wasn't an exceptionally exciting gift. Well, it would have been to him but he wasn't sure if Saeran would care as much. It was a watch. A very nice, expensive watch that he thought would look really great on Saeran. He just hoped that the other would appreciate the gesture.
He jumped a little in surprise when he heard a knock on his door. Could it be Saeran? He stared down at the gift in his hands, setting it back down on the table. Castor was so happy for Saeran. So what if it was second place, it was better than third and all the rest. Heart pounding in his chest he unlocked and opened his door, a nervous grin spreading across his face.
Saeran woke up to an aching in his sides. He felt warm and just all together pretty awful. Groaning he was all sweaty and shrugged out of the sweater. Sae wasnāt to concerned with were he was, he barely remembered Cas coming to get him. The previous nights events all fuzzy and clouded through the fever he had. Finally willing himself to roll over he wiped his face and looked at Cas. The other man wasnāt looking to good himself. Reaching over he nudged Castorās arm in attempt Ā to wake him, āHeyā¦ hey what time is it?ā
Castor groaned in irritation when Saeran nudged him. He had finally gotten a nights rest but his dreams had started to go sideways. He went to roll over, away, to get more sleep but whimpered in pain. His chest felt like it was burning. He eased himself into a sitting position, patting along the sheets to find his phone.
Once he found it he clicked it on and stared at the time. It was the sun. He blinked several times and tried to see it again. Still blurry. Rubbed his eyes and squinted at it. "It's quarter after eleven." He sighed and laid himself back down. The pain seared through him, picking tears in his eyes.Ā
He gently rubbed his hands over the thin fabric of his shirt and felt the warmth that was pouring off of it. Squeezing his eyes shut he couldn't believe it was happening. He couldn't have an infections. The wounds just had to be sore. Had to be healing. He needed to check, which would require getting to the bathroom so Saeran wouldn't see.Ā
Did he even want to stand? No. He rubbed his face and looked back at Saeran, face void of any emotions except the crinkle around his eyes. Why did it burn so much. He closed his eyes again, the burn of the white bandages on Saeran's skin staying. To think he had been the reason for that. He rolled onto his side, all he could feel was that aching pain. Stabbing needles in the wounds that riddled his body. Scratches along his back screaming in protest at the stretch.
Saeran actually felt better hearing him say it. Reminded him of the humanity that takes hold of each person. The mistakes they do and donāt make, the fact that things happen that you might not actually be able to control. It all took the guilt he felt away. The warmth of Castor though helped, his hot breath seeping through the sweater. Warmth spreading through him Saeran let out a small sigh. Almost as though he were holding his breath. āCas I love you so much, just please donāt think college will come between us okay? I didnāt want to go away that far anywaysā¦. The councilors made me apply.ā Using one hand to rub the back of casās head his eyes were closed, āIām going to go to the university of Californiaā¦ the math and art programs.ā His mind was suddenly everywhere but nowhere at the same time. Sleep biting at the corners of his mind but the alertness that came with being around Cas mixed together. He didnāt want to miss a moment butā¦ well maybe he could sleep for a few hours. Closing his eyes he let out a small yawn, arms wrapped firmly around the older mans shoulders he drifted to sleep. They could spend the entire next dayā¦ actually the entire rest of their lives talking. Before he was completely zonked out a mumbled goodnight barely made its way out, āGoo-od nightā¦ youāre my reason for living.ā
Different stories that he could share with Saeran were tumbling through his brain. Rolling around and organizing themselves. Saeran's fingers through his hair was a pleasing distraction. Something else to focus on. He breathed deep. Full lungs before exhale. The calm of everything. How much weight seemed to lift from him at the words. Saeran was staying. It was okay. Everything was right again, It was only a week, They had a lifetime to erase it.Ā
Castor couldn't help but feel the tinge of regret at Saeran's final words, barely mumbled. It hurt to hear those words. It felt good, as if he was doing something right with his life but he didn't want that responsibility. That burden of someone relying on him when he couldn't reply on himself. He rolled off of Saeran onto his back but left their arms touching. Sleep more than welcome now. He stared at the ceiling for a long time before he finally found rest.
Saeran held tightly onto Cas. The guilt still running strong through him. Biting his lip Saeran sucked in a deep breath. He could say it over and over again but right now he was silenced by the fact that he wa trying to not alert Cas to his tears. Taking a deep breath he sighed and eventually was able to whisper the words, "I love you so much." His words shook off his tongue in a hushed tone.
Feeling his leg around him he pressed as close to Cas out of fear of then being separated again. Closing his eyes he tried to make the tears stop. But he broke a promise and it hurt so much. He felt like Cas deserved better but Sae couldn't stand being without him. "I broke my promise."
Everything around him slowed down as his mind sped up. He took a few moments to wait. It took Saeran so long to answer him. Many more to say he broke his promise. The world was still until the fan for the air conditioning kicked on again. It's loud hum blocking out the sounds of the street. He let out a long breath, the heat of it damp on his face. The sweater warming up. His promise. Castor had broken all of his too. It wasn't bad. People made mistakes but he continued to lay there holding Saeran.
He rolled them over so he was on top. He rubbed his face against Saeran before looking back up at him. Ā The contours of his face soft in the faint light. "Me too dear, me too." He closed his eyes again, putting his face back against the boys chest. He wished he could melt into the sweater. Fade away. Turn to dust. At the same time it was Saeran who made him want to stay on the planet and fight every ounce of doubt he had towards himself.
He wanted to so badly tell Saeran. Let Saeran know every aspect of him. Tell him every little thing about Helen. Every thing about Pollux. Tell him about the girls he's been with and why. Tell him the things he knew about Ophelia. Why he made the gang. Why he was where they were. Talk about his childhood and his parents. Let him be privy to every crevice of his mind. What it was like to hear voices and see things and the medication and his memories. Broken promises littered his life and Saeran needed to know it was just human nature. It made the story interesting. Without faults life could be so boring.
Casās joke brought a small smile to him. He wish he was more awake or heād come up with some clever comeback. It wasnāt all the important though. Not right now, not after what they went through. Cuddling against Cas he listened to his question. The words slowly bringing him up out of what was left of his sleepy daze. Looking Cas in the eye he tried to think of a way he could answer him, but none came to. Nothing that wouldnāt involve a lie or a broken promise. As he was about to speak he was silenced by a kiss. A pang of guilt struck him before he held tighter onto Castor. When he shifted he held tightly onto him. His sides stung from the pressure. They were still healing from the cuts he had given himself over the week. Regardless he held onto him, more worried of Cas just disappearing from him. When he spoke again though Saeranās heart nearly stopped. It wasnāt often to hear those words from him, maybe 3 or 4 times, maybe. The words lifted him high up but also deepened the guilt. He promised he wouldnāt cut, that he wouldnāt hurt himself. Smiling weakly he tried to not cry, He started shaking slightly from the suppressed tears. āI-I love you too.ā The words were half choked out but not in a disgusted way, in a way where they just didnāt seem to find their way out fast enough. A few tears spilled down his cheeks, no way would he let cas push him away again, nor would he lose him.
It was dear quiet for Ā few heart beats before Saeran had choked out his reply. It helped him to forget what Pollux had said. Pushed it away. Made it grow fainter. Castor felt as long as he had Saeran around he was safe, that Pollux wouldn't hurt him like he did when they were alone.Ā
He breathed in deep, the smell of Saeran making him dizzy. He smelled so clean. So much better than Castor. He felt so safe in the boys arms, like maybe the world wasn't such an awful place. He hooked his leg around Saeran's hip and nuzzled his head against the boy. "One more time." He whispered. He wanted to hear it over and over. Be filled with Saeran's words and love. He wanted to forget the pain that was pulsing in his wounds. Wanted to dull the roar of Pollux's voice in his head. It was like Saeran had that ability. Even if only for a little while, it was better than nothing.Ā
Eyes squeezed shut as he waited to hear from Saeran again. The words never lost their meaning when they came from Saeran. Castor knew that he would never waste words, especially those ones. Throw them around like a rag. Tears pricked in his own eyes at the pain shooting along his body. Everything had to heal but they just burned. Oh how he yearned for Saeran's healing kisses, like those of a mother. At the same time he knew if he pulled his shirt off, showed what Pollux had done, that there was no turning back.
One whole week. One whole week and it was wasted. Every single moment torn to pieces. A week vacation? More like a week in hell. Iād rather kill myself than have to live through it again.
It started out fine. Think of waking up in the morning beside the person you love. Itās their birthday and they donāt remember. You float from the bed and make them a breakfast. Set a scene. Two people in love sharing breakfast. Sharing a home. Except itās not their home. Itās the older sisters home. Her brother is turning 18 and youāre 28. Not only that but the boy works for you. The love you share has only been a tragedy to the people around you.
Give them a day of freedom. A day out on the city together. Out in the blistering heat and the hot sand. Through over populated and air conditioned malls. Into stores that smell like fresh clothing and a mixture of all the perfumes they sell.
You buy the person you love some new clothing. Two new outfits are picked out together. A flush as you tell them youāll pay. The main intention behind the new clothing is itās their birthday. The second being that they had an outfit destroyed by your ex-girlfriend who kidnapped him and tortured him.
Next is the art store. You shower your partner with art supplies. You see the blooming artist in them. See how much potential they have to be great in anything you do. You support them in their expression of self. Hundreds of dollars on spray paint, markers, pencil crayons, a sketch book and pencils and erasers. You smile and kiss them.
You go out and see a movie. Something you never have the time to do anymore. Lives filled with work and sleep. Side by side. Itās nothing special. Just a space filler. Hands pressed, no air between them so they build up with sweat. Fingers gripping the others so tight they ache. You long for closeness. Stolen kisses hidden in the dark of the theatre. Fade to black, lights turn up.
Next itās a dinner out. Youāve spent so much already today they couldnāt bear for you to take them anywhere too fancy. A middle of the road restaurant with middle of the road food. Itās wonderful though because youāre with the person you love. You talk about the movie. What you liked and didnāt. You share laughs and smiles and each others company.
Finally a day has been spent together. Your partner still hasnāt remembered that itās their birthday. Back to the sisters apartment because your house is filled with a brother and his pregnant girlfriend. As he goes to the computer you find a candle to prop in a cupcake taken home from that mediocre restaurant. Pull your lighter out of your pocket and light it. A slow funeral march to keep the candle from blowing out as you walk to your loves bedroom. Walk in and kiss them. Tell them happy birthday.
Theyāre shocked. A grin spreading across their face as the day finally makes sense. Maybe they feel less bad about the money you spent on them. Everything has been perfect as you sit back on their bed. They come to you. Remind you of the promise you made. A promise that you could finally make love. Theyāre an adult now they want you in an adult way.
Itās not that easy. Sweet kisses and tender touches. Hands slide off clothing, hot breath on flushed skin. A break. A brown paper bag full of sex toys given to you by a concerned friend. Odds and ends fill it and your partner comes over to look at them. A curious expression on their face as they shyly tell you that they donāt have enough experience to know what most of the articles are. So youāre patient. You organize it and explain it to them. Tell them how to use everything and what theyāre for.
A moment of childish teasing that becomes serious again and this is it. Itās back to that bed. A massage and youāre in. You try your best to control yourself. Go slow as to not hurt them because it is their first time. Nothing in the world is better than your day. The end the cherry on top. It ends so sweetly and you kiss again. Wash up and put your pyjamas on. Tuck into bed together for a perfect nights sleep to a perfect day.
What goes up must come down.
No story is ever allowed to end sweetly. If itās happy then the story isnāt finished yet. Woken with a kiss from your now lover. They leave for the washroom and you float out of that bed again. All the way outside to have a smoke and why not grab the mail on the way. Wrong choice.
You stare at the letters and the mail room is spinning. How could you have been so foolish to think that everything was going to be a fairytale. Leave them with the childrenās books. Acceptance after acceptance has been piled into the tiny mailbox. Of course. Your partner is so bright. Full of potential and the schools knew that too. Youāre a sinking ship and youāre dragging them down with you. You only see one way out.
Itās a flurry back to the apartment. You yell for them and you canāt believe itās happening, even as the words fall from your mouth. Itās over. Finis. You canāt date them. The world crashes for them too and theyāre yelling at you. They smack the mail from your hands and hit you. Across the face and you deserve so much worse than that. Pack your bags and leave is what they say before locking themselves in the bathroom. You do just that.
Youāve done something you never thought you would be able to do and itās the anvil of regret. Itās a broken heart and what better way to fill it than with alcohol? You put your bags in your personal jeep and head out to downtown. Bar after bar and you get yourself drunk. So gone you canāt remember where youāve parked and youāre throwing up. You do what you always do after your break ups and call on your brother.
He picks you up and stays with you all night. Makes sure you make it through the night. Then he cleans up for you and washes you off. Leads you to his bed where you curl up gratefully with him beside you. He spends the day in bed with you. Hot skin and blankets. His touch is like fire that trails along your skin.
Itās barely a whisper but you ask him to help you find an apartment. Anything to get away from his poisonous touch. To get away from every memory that haunts that house. He knows just the place, even better for him itās close by. Youād rather move to the other side of the world and it would still not be far enough away.
He calls up a friend that owes him a favour and gets you your place. Brother smiles at you and you see the greasiness behind his intentions and you know youāll pay for it later. He offers another helping hand to get the place ready for you. You spend the week painting. Trying to forget the pain that you no longer have your loved one with you. They havenāt tried to reach you and you couldnāt call them because youāre the one who ended it. You try your hardest to put every ounce of energy into that apartment.Ā
You go out with your brother and buy furniture and everything else you need for your new place. For your new start thatās already becoming tainted by him. Itās it. Itās the end of the week and everything is final and he touches you. Threats of pain and suffering behind the lips that kiss you. Hands that linger on your skin to burn you, hands that reach out and slide down your pants. He wants his payment tonight and all you can do is what he wants. As always.
Itās the last night in your house with him. Last night of being bound to house with him. You stand in his doorway sick to your stomach. Anything but this as he slithers from his bed over to you. Hands ripping your clothing to shreds. Hands that drag you mentally kicking and screaming to his bed. Hands that make you do the same back to him.
You start to lose yourself though as your sex drive kicks in. Itās been a week since youāve done anything remotely sexual and your body wants more. It glazes your eyes over and forces you into it. Those choking hands gouge into your self inflicted wounds and itās a mixture of pain and pleasure. He was the only person in the world who knew what you wanted. The thrill of pain shooting through your body. He whispers words of disappointment into your ears.
Tells you over and over how broken he is. You try to focus on the softness of his bed. The scratch of his comforter against your skin. The pillow under your head. The burn of his hands as he continues to injure you. You focus on your erection. The blood pumping there. The pain of your arousal. The drip of pre-cum on you. Teasing you. All the while his hands continue to hurt you and your body reacts. It canāt take it anymore and you touch yourself to ease the pain.
Pleasure shoots up you and you canāt help but want your personal hell in you. You want to be satisfied. You want more pain. Heās going to be mad that youāre touching yourself but it feels so good and your mind is hazy with lust. What made you the way you are is a mix of bad memories and you hate yourself more than ever.
Thereās the cold wetness of the lubricant. A moment of shock as be barrels into you and you cry in pain. In pleasure. You want to tear your own skin off for enjoying it. For betraying the person you love. The person you abandoned because you scared yourself. Your life is one reason after another of disgust for yourself. Oh God those thrusts though and you were so aroused and the pain was so much and you feel it coming.Ā
Youāre so close and tears finally pool in your eyes as you near your limit. With another definite thrust youāre in pure bliss. Pleasure rips through your body and shoots from you. Blank after blank. Thereās your brother getting off with you and it makes it so much worse. After years of sex together this was the first time it had been finished together. The tears fall from your cheeks and you just want to fade into nothing.Ā
He leaves. Satisfied with himself. You lay broken in bed. You canāt move. Your body is on fire and is pulsing along every inch of flesh. Your brother comes back clean and fresh. You stay where he left you. You stay there way into the night hating yourself more than you already did with each passing moment.
Once youāve heard enough of his snores you leave. Just put on your brothers clothing and leave that damned house for as long as you can. Wishing you would never have to return. The short drive to your apartment and youāre floating everywhere. Objects grow and shrink and size but you make it to your apartment. Sleep had been skipping your bed night after night. It was the week from hell.
You spend your next day in your apartment. Door locked and bolted and everything to keep the world away from you. Curtains drawn you lay everywhere you can. A burning hot shower. Nothing can clean away what your brother did to you. Nothing intended to approach you ever again and whisper salvation into your ears. Youāre invisible and forgotten. Why not just rot away in your apartment now. There was no hope left.
Ā He just followed like a zombie. Following and drifting in and out of sleep. When Cas spoke he nodded only half aware. It took a minute before he shuffled to the bed before flopping onto it. The smell of Castor thick with the sheets. It must of been the same set from home. Rolling over and slowly coming too he grabbed a pillow before hugging it close. Face burried in its fluffy scent.Ā
Finally somewhat awake he mumbled, āWhat happened?ā Cas moved to lay next to him. Feeling him so close a tired lazy smile spread across his face before rolling closer to him. Cuddled up against his side he tried opening his eyes. Weighted down by the need of sleep he decided to just press his face into Casās side. āI māssd you.ā
"I missed you too my clinging saran wrap." Castor managed to mumble out. A little giggle bubbling out of him. Though his mind was racing his body was begging to catch up with his small amounts of sleep. Demanding that he rest. He moved an arm over so he could have some sort of hold on Saeran.
"Sae, dear, why are you wearing such long clothing? It's still summer." It wasn't cold out by any means. Castor could never get used to the heat of the place and preferred to stay indoors. He turned on his side too to face the boy. Maybe it was too much to ask so soon. They just needed to sleep. Laze about together again. A day in bed sounded like heaven at that moment. "Never mind." He pressed his lips against Saeran before he could answer his question. What was it, 'never ask questions you don't want to know the answers to'.Ā
Castor closed his eyes. Maybe he could finally sleep. Now that he had the body he had so desperately wanted beside him. The quiet privacy of his own apartment. No more worries of having to hide from others. They could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted and the idea seemed so thrilling. He pulled himself closer to Saeran and pressed his face to the boys sweater. He wanted to wash away anything that was Pollux. Burn those thoughts out of his mind and fill them with Saeran. "I love you."Ā
Saeran was in and out of sleep. Everything felt foggy. Nosing his head he leaned against Cas hugging him. He wouldn't remember doing any of it. Slowly climbing out with Castors help he wobbled and leaned. His sleeping mind was telling himself that he was moving but so tired and jut zonked out, it just didnt even matter. "Mhm okay...." A small yawn as he held on and allowed Cas to shepard him upstairs.
Saeran was fast enough to reply to his demands. Glad that he wouldn't make it difficult. "I guess you really didn't get much sleep, dear." Castor held tightly onto Saeran, arm wrapped around the others waist. They shambled along. Castor chose the elevator, something he normally avoided but stairs and a zombie wasn't really worth the effort.Ā
The happy ding to tell him it was there and the slide of the doors. Pressing for the third floor he leaned back against the wall with Saeran, humming along to the tune that was playing. Another ding to let them know they had reached their floor. Pushing Saeran along they walked to the end of the hallway where his apartment was at. He pushed the door shut behind him with his foot. Making a beeline for the bed with Saeran. "Okay we're here love. Just get on the bed and I'll get your shoes for you, no worries." He got him on the bed and slid off the boys shoes.
Now he could relax. He locked the apartment door. Put Saerans shoes neatly beside his own. Slid off his pants and folded them, neatly putting them away in a drawer. He sat at the foot of the bed and looked back at Saeran. Everything was alright. His prayers had been answered. He shifted back and laid beside Saeran. His sleeplessness now because he was too happy. He didn't want to lose this moment to sleep.Ā
His cheeks were set on fire by those words. Oh how he loved this man. Kissing him on the cheek before buckling up he sat all tight. Saeran had watched him drive but he was so tired he didnāt even make it the short drive before drifting to sleep. All words lost on him as Castor tried to cheer himself up. Eventually slumping over from being so dead tired he didnāt even wake up when sliding against Castorās shoulder. Just like a baby, a quick car ride a happy face ad he was out for the count. His face was peaceful, a slight smile set on a relaxed face.Ā
A small hum of surprise came out when he felt Saeran lean against him. He looked over to see the boy was fast asleep. That fast, eh? Either way they had to get upstairs and as strong as Castor was he didn't want to carry Saeran to the third floor and into his apartment. He also didn't want to wake Saeran. From the sounds of it they both had been dealing with lack of sleep the past week and he knew how important sleep was. Especially for a teenaged boy.Ā
As gently as he could, Castor pushed Saeran into a sitting position so he could get out of the car. Once he had gotten out he was around it quickly enough and opened the passenger door. Reaching around to undo Saeran's seat belt he couldn't bring himself to wake the boy up all of the way. "Hey dear," he whispered, pulling at the others hips. "Do you just want to help me out, love. Just put your arms around me and I'll do the rest. I can't carry you. You're a big boy, all you have to do is shuffle your feet." The lot was quiet, his voice echoing through it. Even if he was talking low.
Scooting into the passenger seat he smiled leaning over to kiss him. Saeran loved to just pretend the bad things didnāt happen and they had spent an entire day just goofing around. He stroked his cheek lovingly before whispering his reply, āOkay, I guess I can go out with you.āĀ
Leaning down again he breathed hot baby homo air onto his cheeks. A small kiss on the right one, a peck on the left and a delicate kiss on his chin. Casās dolphin bites tickled his nose though. He pulled away wiping at it. Saeran mentally took note not to ever let Cas know exactly how ticklish he was. āWe going to sit here all night?ā
He pulled Saeran back down for a better kiss on the lips. Glad they he listened to him. "Good boy." He flashed a smile at the boy. Pollux flickered across his vision before fading away. He pressed his eyes closed, glad to hear that Saeran agreed to date him. He wished so desperately to be close to Saeran but all he could go back to was the awful things Pollux had done to him.
The next smile was forced as he opened his eyes to look back up at Saeran. Hot breath on his face with quick kisses. Before he knew it Saeran had pulled away, wiping at a wrinkled nose. He slid a hand over the boys thigh. "Maybe. Just enjoying the scenery. It's breathtaking." This time it was a coy smile as he hopped back and closed Saeran's door.Ā
He stood at the front of the car and waited for another to pass before walking back to the drivers side and sliding behind the wheel. "I don't actually live far from here." He did his seatbelt up and put the car into drive. Turning a couple corners he pulled into the parking lot of his apartment. Swiping a card to get in he quickly got to his parking spot. Stopping the car he sat in his seat a beat before trying to perk himself up.Ā
"I spent the week repainting the place with Pollux. We also got me some furniture and, well basically everything. Seeing as we've always lived together I never needed to buy my own things. It's always been shared. I think you'll like it." He was just trying to fill the space. Remind himself that Pollux had spent the week doing nice things for him. Even if he had taken it all back that last night.
Saeran held tightly onto Cas, rubbing at the soft hair on the back of his neck. A smile came to his face as he realized that soon the curls would be back. Before he spoke though he smiled with Cas. Too bad the weirdo spoke though. Flicking his ear he wrinkled his nose. āI asked you first you nerd.ā A smile spread across his face despite everything. For Sae to be able to call someone Ā nerd was like a secret pleasure. After years of being referred to as that it was just funny, ironic if you will.Ā
Slipping around him and into the car he scooted into the driver seat, āI want to drive!ā Just like that he was a child throwing Castor a puppy dog face. Eyes to full of mischief. Even if he didnāt know where he was going, it was always good to one up Cas in some goofball way.
"I can't be the girl." He retorted to Saeran's snide remark. What a little shit. It was moments like this that Castor was reminded that there was a ten year gap. Not only was it being called a nerd it was Saeran walking away from him and scooting around the car to the drivers side.
Castor opened the passenger door and stared at Saeran, stupefied. HIs eyebrows shot up. "No way in hell is that about to happen. Get your little but over in this seat. You need some sleep, you're delusional."Ā
He was about ready to smack him if he tried anything funny. Castor didn't mess around with his car. He had saved up a long time to pay for it and get it the way he wanted. He wasn't about to let anyone other than himself drive it. Lips pursed he glared at Saeran.Ā
Before he let him down Saeranās heart dropped. They had sex, him and Pol had sex. For whatever reason, maybe it was the fact that he was so tired he gave Cas a quick kiss, āJust donāt let it get in the way of us, you may be his brother but you are mineā¦ Iā¦ was selfish to ask that of you before. I was hurt, healingā¦ Cas I really donāt want to lose you and Iā¦ Iām willing to put up with it all okay? I mean itāsā¦ I just canāt persnally understand it all, but when you love somebody itās impossible to let goā¦ just donāt let go of me okay please cas? Please.ā He kissed him again in embarrassment for his little speech. āyou are mineā¦ā that part he intended. A small little possessive whisper. He thought about what he said about home, āI am home. Home is with you.ā Saeranās cheeks were flushed but he managed a smile, āSO will you go out with me?ā
He stood frozen in time. Not sure what to react to first. Saeran's kisses. Him saying he could tolerate him and Pollux. That he wanted him to stay. His possessive statement. Castor was being dragged from one owner to the next. He never liked it but he knew he would always be called a possession. Knew that it would just be how it went with who ever he was with. Even if he was the leader in the relationship Saeran was the one who had the hand to say stop and go.
Castor leaned down, his turn to press his face against Saeran's chest. To wrap lazy arms around the others small waist. To press hot breath against already hot skin. Home was with Saeran. Whether he liked it or not. He was stuck with him and vice versa. No more option to leave. It was said from one party in words, the other in his mind. It was final.
Ā He couldn't help but let a small smile drag across his face at Saeran's final question. So Saeran was the one to finally say it. He had only realized that past week that neither of them had outright said it. Asked the other out. It was just an assumption. A thing they had fallen into. Caught the others stride and stayed with them. It had been so natural and easy. At least, that was how it had felt for him.Ā
He rubbed his face against Saeran. The rumble of the car still on in the background. The cool night air refreshing on his skin. The faint sound of traffic from nearby streets. The sounds of insects and a faraway siren. The world was giant and going on around them but Castor's world was right there, in that moment. All revolving around Saeran. He couldn't forget his past but Saeran was so clearly in his future. A joke flickered across his mind. "No, you go out with me." Maybe he wouldn't get it but it was funny to Castor.
Saeran was confused when he pulled away, so he nuzzled Casās neck. Castorās voice was a shock to him, it brought him back down off of his erotic little gay cloud. Staring at him eyes half lidded he didnāt mean to be sassy it just sort of slipped out, āWhy the hell not?ā As soon as the words slipped out of his mouth saeran was biting his lip, āIām Iām sorry I havent slept. Iām..ā Burying his face against Casās neck he grumbled. The lack of sleep suddenly pressing down on him.Ā
Everything was pressing down on him again. Hatred at himself bearing down as well. He felt awful telling Saeran know. "I want to...I just..can't" He whispered. Pressing his face against Saeran's hair he closed his eyes. Letting the smell of the boy fill his senses. "I haven't been sleeping either." Not even that stream of tears every day. Not even the constant exhaustion of emotions had been able to drive him to sleep. He just had fits, the voices he heard picking up in the dark when he couldn't sleep.Ā
If it wasn't that it was Pollux. He felt like he had to tell Saeran. As though he had broken his promise even if they hadn't been together. He hadn't been able to let go anyways. "Pol.. and I.." He couldn't finish his sentence. He figured Saeran was smart enough to figure out what he meant.
What he didn't want Saeran to know was what Pollux had done besides the sex. Maybe he could share the nice things. Not likely. Saeran would definitely see him without a top. See the cuts but also the other wounds from Pollux. Would probably question him.Ā
The weight of every secret he still kept from Saeran made him feel like Atlas. Why couldn't he just tell him everything? Castor knew why: because he could write at least a novels worth of secrets. If Saeran knew them all, knew every truth about him he was sure to be disgusted. That's what hurt the most. The only person that loved him through and through, no matter what was Pollux.Ā
He dropped his hands from Saeran's legs, letting him off. He was still too hurt. Falling back into his old ways, as usual. It was always the same. Always that fear. "Let's just go home and sleep." Who even knew what home was anymore?
The kiss practically knocked him off his feet. Knees buckling he held tightly onto the older man. Castorās kiss was unlike any of the other he gave him before. It was full of love, misery and sorryāsā¦ everything Cas couldnāt get into words. Grabbing at Casās shirt he returned the kiss even as it faded into a soft but loving one. Taking a deep breath and looking to the car before impulsively jumping up and hugging Cas around his neck and kissing him. Tongue pressing for access.Ā
It was so strange the animalistic need that was starting to take over. Pulling himself up he wrapped his legs around Casās waist. He held tightly as he tilted his head deepening the kiss. Oh how he missed the kisses, his touch. Everything was soā¦ so real. Saeran was afraid heād wake up alone again.
He almost toppled over when Saeran's knees gave out a little. Taken by surprise. He had not even dreamed of their making up going this smoothly. Well, hopefully there weren't any more bumps along the way. Of course there were always going to be bumps in their relationship but nothing that wold derail them again. Maybe they were always going to work like that. Maybe it only worked like that because of their lack of experience. Lack of real life experience of relationships, interactions with people, their pasts. He hoped that they only improved from here. That they didn't have to overreact about everything.
Build on one another. He hoped that they could help push each other in the right directions. Help the other get better. His thoughts were interrupted by Saeran jumping back on him. His mouth getting pushed open. The feel of the others hot breath. The warm, wet swell of his tongue press against his own. He hard press of his lips against his teeth. He weight of Saeran's arms around his neck, pulling him closer.Ā
It had been such a long week. A long week without the affection he wanted. Not the stuff from Pollux. Which had been so one sided. So painful. It had been too soon. His body still ached from it. More sores and bruises and cuts than he had ever gotten from Pollux. Payback for him moving away. He knew Pollux would get a key for his apartment. Still force him to have sex. Saeran had jumped up, legs wrapping around his waist. He had to grab the underside of the others legs to keep him from sliding back down. It was purely instinct.Ā
As much as he wanted Saeran he couldn't do it. He stumbled back against the Jeep. His shoulder blades pressed into the car, everything else blocked by Saeran's body parts. Any other time Castor would have gone alone with it. Been thrilled to have such a reaction. They were on a moderately busy street and he couldn't get what Pollux had done to him out of his mind. Out of his senses.
"Sae, Saeran..." He could barely bring himself to pull his lips away, his body wanted it so bad. He was embarrassed to say the least. It almost felt like he was looking down at an unerect penis during sex. Being unable to perform. "I can't right now." He felt awful saying it. Especially right after what happened. What a better way to make up than pleasure? Just, Pollux ruined it.
