Fair warning, this is likely to be a bit scattered and rambly. I want to record some of my feelings about my pregnancy, birth, and the first two weeks of our daughter being here- but I don’t really have this post organized in any coherent way.
I feel like I have spent all of 2015 holding my breath, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Since the nugget’s arrival, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long, long time. I spent almost all of active labor with my eyes shut- so when she finally was born and I opened my eyes and saw her, it was like waking up after a long, protective sleep. I can’t fully express how thankful I am that we’ve been so lucky to finally get to meet our daughter- something that many of my friends are still in limbo over (and I hope every day to be able to celebrate their good news soon.)
I didn’t talk about it very much, but pregnancy is hard no matter how badly you wanted and fought for it. There is also a hefty amount of survivor’s guilt when you’ve bonded with others who aren’t yet pregnant. I spent my first trimester with a subchorionic hemorrhage (bleed), and third trimester with gestational diabetes and borderline pregnancy-induced hypertension (preeclampsia.)
I feel incredibly fortunate for the care I received. Despite having several complications, the midwife practice I was with allowed me to go a week past my due date- something that would likely not have happened if I had stuck with my OB. I had really hoped to avoid induction, because I wanted the highest chance possible of avoiding another major surgery this year- excision surgery was intense enough. I was also hoping to avoid medications, as I have weird interactions with almost everything used for birth.
As my blood pressure climbed in that last week, I began to get daily migraines. So 6 days after my due date, I agreed to be induced. Thankfully, she was ready to come. All it took was one pill of Misoprostol, and within a few hours I was in active labor.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but my birth went about as smoothly and quickly as it possibly could have gone. My total labor was 6 hours long, including just under an hour of pushing. Until reading stories from other people, I didn’t realize how short that was for a first time mom. I was able to avoid all pain medication and interventions beyond that one pill.
The birth tub was immensely helpful, as was Shawn and the amazing nurse we had that night. I had thought I’d want to lean on him a lot, physically, during labor- but weirdly enough I ended up being someone that any small stimulus made things much worse- even noises. We spent 5 of the 6 hours in almost complete darkness with nothing but very soft Dave Matthews playing in the background. He was right near me the whole time though- ready with water or chapstick or whatever I needed at the moment. I hope he knows how much he helped me, even if I didn’t look like I was accepting a lot of help at the time.
Since I spent most of my pregnancy blocking things out to some extent, I didn’t actually do much preparation or research for birth. My thought was to do my best and just roll with whatever happened as it unfolded. Oddly, in the moment, I defaulted back to my yoga breathing from high school, and some of the positive mental self-talk I use when I do long distance runs.
One of the biggest surprises of it all has been how much the nugget looks like my dad. It was already pretty surreal when they put her on my chest, but it was made even more surreal by seeing such a tangible reminder of his presence right in front of me. I so wish he could be here to meet her.
Since she has been here, I have laughed more than I’ve cried. I think we hit the jackpot of babies. She has a wonderful array of grumpy faces that we’ve been thoroughly enjoying. She has been eating like a champ and sleeps well for the most part (as well as 2 week old babies do.) We’re both tickled at her full head of hair. When she’s awake, she’s incredibly alert and focused- I am so looking forward to learning more about her personality.
My recovery has been very straight forward. Compared to recovery after my excision surgery in January, this has felt much, much easier. For that I’m really thankful. I left the house with the baby 6 days postpartum, and have been upright and able to cook and pick up and sew- all things I expected to not be doing so soon.
It’s been wonderful watching Shawn blossom as a dad. He’s enjoying her as much as I am, and it feels really great to see our family all together after 3 years of working towards this.