Ananya’s cathartic effect
It’s been ages since I logged into this account. Naturally, I outgrew it. But today, I briefly return for a cathartic release. I guess I like how it all comes full circle. I originally called this blog celestial-p0et and changed it into what it currently is when I learned about the word “catharsis” in english class during my junior year of high school. I guess the need to release emotions was something I felt strongly connected to. To make a long story short, it irked me a little on how I never came to formally say goodbye. This is what this is. Even though this chapter in my life has been over for a long time in my heart, now I feel brave enough to put it into words. I want to plant some nice seeds for this upcoming year 2020.
Let me reintroduce myself. I’m Ananya, 19, lesbian/sapphic/wlw and this is my old blog where I used to reblog things I liked. To me, this blog represents times of pain, confusion, but also excitement and curiousity. Revisiting this blog reminds me of the difficult realities I faced then and the difficult realities I currently face. Life has not been easy for me, but luckily, loving is easy. Thanks to the love I’ve received in the past, receive in the present and will receive in the future, I’ve been able to live my life with a little less fear and a little more courage in my heart. I am thankful to everyone that has loved me once and for everyone that loves me today.
I’m in my second year of university, I’m studying speech and language therapy. I quite like it. I plan on becoming a speech and language therapist and perhaps, a writer on the side. I still enjoy poetry and short stories and I hope to continue cultivating it somehow. I’m also on the path to being trilingual, as I’m learning Portuguese. I had the chance to learn in it uni and I really enjoy the beauty of the language and the culture that surrounds it. I’d like to consider my future to be very bright, regardless of my ******** thoughts. I have passion and things I look forward to, even if my mental illness sometimes makes me overlook these facts.
I understand my life purpose now, which is something that was unclear to me during the time I was using this blog. My purpose is to shine a light into my own life and others. My purpose is to let the harshness that comes with my pain to soften me. My purpose is to accept myself entirely. My purpose is to love, even if it hurts. I feel like my career is deeply connected with my life purpose. I suppose that’s how I know I’m on the right path.
In 2019, I faced many issues with my mental health. Many times, I contemplated ending my life. Many nights, I barely slept because of anxiety and paranoia. Many days, I cried inconsolably. But if I’m alive and writing this right now, I didn’t ache in vain. It means I am accepting my issues as a part of me and at the same time, not allowing them to define me entirely.
This year, I got closer to the things I wanted, even if I didn’t necessarily get them. This made me extremely disillusioned with my life at first. There were things I yearned for so badly, but I know I perfectly understand it wasn’t the right time. This period of trial and error was useful, because I learned what I truly needed and didn’t settle for any lesser. I know now that there’s no time limit, and that everyone moves at their own paces.
But I also refuse to forget the things that did, in fact, get. I got my hoop piercing, purple hair (currently faded magenta, desperately need to dye again) and became more confident in my appearance. I started to dress with more confidence and take more pictures of myself. I no longer feel afraid to show myself off, because I know it’s perfectly okay to love yourself and be proud of who you are! I also had so many fun adventures with my friends that I love with my whole heart and soul. They taught me the importance of platonic love all over again this year. I’m endlessly grateful. Especially to one beautiful man, who is the newest addition to my small group of best friends. His friendship keeps me afloat and sane.
I also got a first real life experience in romance. I briefly dated a young woman that was a year older than me. She was nice, charming and very appropriate for me. I really liked her. Although it did not work out due to personal reasons, it opened the doors for my dating life. My mom met her and truly understood, that I was a lesbian. It reminded me that I was a charming girl and that I am loveable (something I had forgotten because of self-esteem issues and mental health issues in general). It made me sad, but made me stronger. I’m thankful for our short time, and look forward to dating other women.
I’d like to plant the seeds of hope for this upcoming year. I’d like to never again forget how strong I am, how I’ve been through dark times and felt heavy regrets and still managed to push through and live to see a new day. It never gets easy, but us humans have the capacity to become stronger and smarter. We can live through the hardest of situations, through devastating hurricanes, life-altering heartbreaks, and traumatizing events and still make it. I know that, despite my doubts, I will make it out alive even if it feels like one day my body will simply give in.
From now on, I let go of pain I’ve been clinging on to, I let go of resentment, of regrets. I let go of the hurt I caused myself and I create a new space for growth and healing. From now on, I accept my past as the foundation of what I am and will be, instead of rejecting it and trying to erase it from my memories.
This blog was my safe space for a long time, and I’m endlessly grateful. I will always look back at my time on here fondly, because of the sweet people I spoke to and the real feelings attached to things I posted and reblogged...
In a very old post, I told the story of Brahma in my own words. On how every human had the power of god, but it was hidden in a place that they would never find it. It was hidden in themselves.
Instead of writing it, I’m living the story now. I know who I am, I just have to find it inside of me.
Thank you for all the lessons and love. I don’t ever plan on forgetting you. Wish me luck!
- Ananya Z.
