formulaic

RYDER LYNN __he/him. i always thought i might be bad now i’m sure that it’s true

[cautiouslynn-blog]

HOW RECURSIVE.future

thump thump thump, what’s that sound--✘

He muttered the same phrase over and over, his tongue painted with Pidgin, pacing the room, “What would father think, what would father say...” Though his gait was uneven, Ryder could never tear his eyes from the red burning before him. The blood-stained carpet; the low, blunt strike to the head; how the victim’s body was just dizzy with energy, fear swimming in their eyes and now… cold.

Ryder could feel the tension rising in the room - the rising arguments, the screaming - but he couldn’t hear nothing but white noise and fuzz in his mind. His thoughts were defeaning, Look at what you’ve become.

There came an urge to just be destructive. Break Sterling’s ribcage, right then and there. Punch the wall, leave a crack. Fuck, he’d settled for exhausting his lungs, grabbing the impaled object - strike himself, limp and cold.

Was Ryder not the person he thought he was - never wanting to return to this… How had he fallen into pattern once again; how had he even convinced himself that he could move on…

His pants buzzed; his phone screen blaring against his face. Marissa. Fuck this.

The next second, his phone was shattered against the floor.

He could only stare at the body.

[doeeyedsatan]

You have to be hot to be like Batman or Superman, so let’s crush that dream right ‘bout now. 

Call me dude again and I’ll have Puckerman pop that Jewmanji sized beak into Toucan proportions when he comes and visits, got it? - Anyways, I’ll hit you up on Friday. While it’s sweet and all I’ve always got a mile-long line of town car drivers hard-felt for driving me home, I’d like to enjoy my night without any perv-interruptions. We have a gym in the sorority, you can come over on Friday morning for my six o’clock lifting session. 

[cautiouslynn-blog]

A guy can dream! I’ve been working out every day. And I do a ton of nice things for people. I’m an every day hero, what can I say.

Tell me more about this Puckerman guy, sounds like a real superhero to me! But seriously if he’s not around and you need someone to walk you home I’m always here Santana. I’ll be there Friday regardless!

[benzizes-deactivated20180326]

We’ve been friends long enough, Ry. I’m expecting great things. Top-tier queers? I’m rating it a solid seven outta ten for that one. You’re improving.#

I’m not choosing just anyone as a Costume choice, so it’s no surprise Batgirl is one of the most charming and incredible choice. Mm, surprisingly I’m completely digging this idea - it means I get to brag that I get a cute as Hell date to the Halloween Party and a costume pair. Jeff is…he reminds me of an awkward version of Mr Tumnus, or something; it’s creepy. Apparently that party is full of bratty kids and losers who can’t control their alcohol, but I’ll definitely go, just for the sake of irritating Jeff and laughing at the morons. How come a dude like you is heading to one of those gatherings?

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Sweet. I’ll take that!

Really? Did you know you’re super awesome Kitty? We’d rock any Halloween party with that dynamic duo though you’d rock any outfit. Jeff could be Robin but hey I’ll have to see if he’s up to that you know? And I’m rushing for frats, so I want to meet all the guys. Some of them are already on the water polo team so I already got the in, they’re chill. I don’t doubt you’re part of the top sorority, huh?

[faultlessfabray]

It doesn’t help. Be happy I’m not calling you that other one. Sure. Sooner but then later. I’m not going to draw out hanging out with you. Do you want to get coffee? I go daily anyway. I suppose you can join me. Yes, it’s Sebastian. He’s a grade A moron. He’s a privileged asshole who thinks he can do whatever he wants. All the Smythes are like that actually. …You’re totally not welcome.

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Oh well. Okay. Yes how about I join you on your daily coffee adventures I’ll bring my homework so we can study. If it floats your boat and you have time to spare before class I did score two tickets to Gambit if you want to tag along. Coffee sounds good though! And Bas is pretty awesome, he’s my man.

So tomorrow I’ll stop by your daily coffee route then?

[sensationalsmythe-deactivated20]

…Fine…

[cautiouslynn-blog]

I can bet it’s more than fine. You probably had a lot of fun, didn’t you Bas.

[doeeyedsatan]

Oh really, how so?

Because you’re happy I’m even talking to you. I’d spill the beans too, because keep it interesting or I’ll give you the boot. Help me how? Give me a reason to holla to Karma I’m doing the Lords work hanging out with, Clifford, the Big Brown Dumbass? I’ll have to sleep on it, but if I do, we’re definitely doing gym, because I’m not getting stuck with, Star Wank: Episode 69, Titty-Titty Bang-Bang, as your idea of ‘rad’,

That and a lot more. 

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Hey hey, I have to preserve some mystery to me like Batman or Superman!

Well if you ever need someone to walk you home from a party, my line’s always open. But I’m afraid you got me, Santana. Jokes on me, haha. All right, gym buddies it is then. I’m there every day so if I see you I’ll come running your way, dude.

[sensationalsmythe-deactivated20]

…Why are you trying to be friends with me?

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Cause you’re hilarious and I feel like you get me, you know? So how’s your week been, dude?

[faultlessfabray]

Well aren’t you just precious, Lynn. You’re in luck because I have literally nothing better to do with my time currently. I’m caught up on my school work and out of the other two “men” in our “friend group”, you piss me off the least. Don’t give me a reason to go from strong dislike to hatred for you too.

[cautiouslynn-blog]

You can just call me Ryder if it helps, I know this university is formal but I’d like to consider you my friend. Okay, how about we meet up soon then? Who is the other dude? Is it Sebastian because he’s hilarious. Always laughing at his stuff in class. And I’ll take that as a compliment, thanks Quinn!

[benzizes-deactivated20180326]

I’m literally like your sassy remarks and interesting #goto facts organizer, Lynn. Just let me know when you’re in an argument and can’t figure out a witty response and I’m your ‘gal. Mm, perhaps? I always assumed gay kids were either complete Tyler-Oakley lookalikes, or some sort of rainbow replica, but whatever. If I picked the out of season outfits, it wouldn’t be an issue if they broke. You’re more than welcome.

See, here I was thinking I’d rely on good old Batgirl; yet apparently, that’s the go-to outfit choice this year, so I’m reconsidering right now. Of course I’ve been invited, Ry, what kind of a person do you think I am? Jeff Sterling? Ew, gross, that’s majorly unlucky on your part there - what kind of crazy ass karma do you have to room you with him? Oh, really? What party is that?

[cautiouslynn-blog]

All right I’m going to try my hand at witty remarks and see how I do. I know I won’t be as good as you but it doesn’t hurt to try right? That applies to clothes too I guess but I’d still feel bad because I’m a large and it’d be so tight. I mean, tight as in constricting, but I guess to the top-tier queers it could be cool-tight. How’d I do?

Batgirl is awesome! I for one support that whole-heartedly. If you do end up going with that, I’ll be your Batman even if I did that a few years back. And hey, Jeff is nice. He’s chill, I guess. We’re heading to the Pi Kappa Alpha party this weekend, it’s gonna be fun. I’ll expect to see you there?

[cautiouslynn-blog]

I told Ms. Pillsbury that I have a Tumblr and she told me that it’ll help me become a better writer, plus I get to chat with all of my awesome friends. Anyways I’m expecting to see all you at the Pi Kappa Alpha mixer especially you my Water Polo dudes, this is going to be an awesome weekend!!!

[sensationalsmythe-deactivated20]

The amount of incompetence that I’ve seen on the Pembroke campus should astound me, but as I enter my fourth year of my undergraduate degree, I can’t help but pray that this year moves fast so that I can move on and get my law degree at Harvard. 

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Sup dude! Finally found you online, what’cha been doing? I mean, now that Mr. Schue’s class is on indefinite hiatus. Moving up in the world with your big plans huh?

[benzizes-deactivated20180326]

Krakatoa was a volcanic eruption in, like, the 1880′s or something. It was crazy angry and literally exploded its junk all over everyone. Isn’t, that, like - the trend now? Dudes wearing girls clothes? You should try it, Ry. You’re more than welcome to dress up in my clothes. 

Duh, I was shopping for the Halloween season. Us girls have to be prepared for the ton of parties we’re going to be invited to.

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Wow that’s pretty interesting and good to know. Maybe I’ll use that next time, thanks Kitty! And really? I haven’t seen dudes wearing girls clothes, is that like a gay thing or something? That’s cool I guess. I don’t think I could try your clothes on, they might rip, only if you’re comfortable with it.

What are you going to be this year? I haven’t even thought about it except I always do superhero stuff. Maybe I’ll change it up this year. Invited to any parties yet? My roommate Jeff Sterling and I might head to a party this weekend, I’m excited.

[faultlessfabray]

I’d be thinking you want to get in my pants with the way you’re complimenting me right now, Ryder. But then again, you’re like twelve. You want to protect me? That’s sweet but I’m sure I do just as well on my own. If you want to study with me, all you’d have to do is ask. I’d probably say no but who knows? Maybe you’ll catch me in a good mood. 

Oh yes, him being reported missing. I’ve heard they’re postponing his class and are figuring out plans if things don’t pan out well for our beloved vest wearing professor. 

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Oh... Well I just want to support you Quinn that’s all. I know I’m not a good writer so I look up to you, I admire your independence and intelligence. Do you want to study together then?

That’s a bummer. I always looked forward to his classes, Mr. Schue was always a nice guy. So we don’t go to class or anything? Do you hang out with me instead?

[doeeyedsatan]

You’ve been fucked? Obviously not hard enough or often enough because you’re always walking around more wound up then Mrs. Pillzbury. Wow, keeping your floor clean so it doesn’t crunch like a bag of doritoes when you walk near your area? how sweet, Rick, how unbelievable sweet. I mean, as practically on the alumni at the ripe age of twenty for the, Horrible People Society, I like to direct karma to horrible people who aren’t benefiting me; so if we’re talking in those terms? Guess so.

 Not bad? Talk about under estimating, and coming at me with, duh, facts. I’d say thanks, but I’m not ugly so I don’t have to be grateful for unfulfilling compliments. 

 …..still have to do it? - Oh,  he’s gone missing. Are we still pretending like he didn’t hightail it outta here when he got popped with a gel-vention? If not, you’ll need to hit up minion #2 for all emotional responses about this incident. I check in my fucks to give at five on the dot every day. 

[cautiouslynn-blog]

I mean it’s not something I talk openly but yeah I’m not as innocent as you portray me. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this anyways. Just direct the karma away from me, I could always help you? Maybe not with school, because I suck at it, but maybe I could be your gym buddy or loan you some rad movies?

Haha. You’re too funny, Santana.

[doeeyedsatan]

Really? ‘Cos seeing as you’re as sweet as the news we’ll hopefully get about Berry booking a one way flight to Isreal one day, and you’re about the only person on campus not getting laid, you’d think by now you would have been God smacked by the pile up of crusty tissues: assholes get laid. Unfortunately, these brand of a-holes didn’t get the memo during their weekly circle jerks, moves like morons ain’t gonna get their schlongs a womb-mate anytime soon. 

Keep bench pressing like your life depends on it and I’ll tell my minions to back off on packing a container of cherry tomatoes to chuck at you. So far I’m not minding the view, Rick.

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Hey I’ve done it before and I keep my room clean to respect my roommate. But yeah it’s unfortunate assholes get laid. You would think there’s karma for horrible people but I guess not right? Haha.

Thanks Santana! You’re not bad yourself, I like your humor even though I don’t get all of it. Speaking of things I don’t get have you started on Mr. Schue’s assignment? It’s kind of complicated one and two do you think we still have to do it?

[benzizes-deactivated20180326]

There are five thousand reasons why it should be made illegal for eighty year old pensioners to prance around the Mall embarrassing themselves by wearing crop-tops like they’re fresh from set of an Ariana Grande music video. Honey, please. If you’re able to brag that you lived through the “Swinging Sixties” and became BFFs with President Johnson, you should not be subjecting everyone to your flab-mongous flub spilling out like an erupting Krakatoa from your $6.99 H&M crop top. It’s shameful to watch.

[cautiouslynn-blog]

Hey Kitty you’re really funny even though I only got some of your jokes. Haha. What is Krakatoa? I like when people dress nice and so they feel good though sometimes I get confused I saw this guy once wearing girl clothes once and I was so confused. Anyways what were you doing at the mall?

[faultlessfabray]

This morning was like any other really. I went to the Starbucks closest to my apartment, grabbed a caramel macchiato and set up my table in the corner to begin my writing process of this morning. I had my earbuds in with Ben Howard melodically singing into my ears. And then my perfect morning was ruined. 

It’s a common social cue that when someone has earbuds in, they don’t want to be disrupted. Also when someone is focused on their Mac intently and typing away at a speed that other people’s simple minds can’t understand, it basically acts as a sign of ‘don’t even think about approaching me’. 

But low and behold, this moronic frat boy comes over to me and has the audacity to take an earbud out of my ear. He says verbatim, “Hey Blondie. You’ve got something that’s working for me. You wanna get out of here?” 

Okay. So many things to even comment on this. This idiot thought this is how you pick up a girl at 10am in the morning. He smelled like he was dipped in a vat of Axe body spray. He was flexing the entire time. His eyes are still red from his weekend activities. Somehow thought that staring at my chest and licking his lips was going to get me to leave with him and let his spray tanned body attempt to pleasure me while in reality, he’d be finished by the time I even felt anything. 

Needless to say, I had to get another coffee after I ‘accidentally’ knocked mine over and managed to spill it all over him with the primary target being his probable steroid shrunken penis. 

[cautiouslynn-blog]

You’re such a good writer Quinn and you deserve so much better. I’ve read it a few times and it still makes me laugh every time. If you want I could maybe study with you next time so any time some jerk comes over I can give him a piece of my mind? You know... if you’re studying for Mr. Schue’s class or something. But seriously that makes me so mad how can any guy not respect women? Like dude just cut it out, being a dick about it isn’t gonna get you anywhere you know?

Do you uh think we still have to do Mr. Schue’s assignment? Now that... well...