you weren't mine to lose

reverie 💀 xviii 💀 india 💀 netherlands 💀 she/her 💀 bisexual

[ccorpsidious]

writer (sometimes). poet. struggling university student. bisexual. indian. she/her. infp. capricorn. india. netherlands. 

S O C I A L S : 

studyblr: @accadamias

aesthetic/random tumblr: @reverieternal​ 

studygram: @/accadamias 

moodboard instagram: @reverieternal 

spotify:  https://open.spotify.com/user/e76ywv62fumj6ib2xjdbdi812?si=e8cacf9d6fb7435e

[ccorpsidious]

𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮!  cw: blood, trauma, abuse

ˢᵒ ⁿᵒ ᵒⁿᵉ ᵗᵒˡᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ˡⁱᶠᵉ ʷᵃˢ ᵍᵒⁿⁿᵃ ᵇᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ ʷᵃʸ?  ᵗʰᵉ ᵃⁿᵍᵘⁱˢʰ ᵈᵉᵉᵖ ʳᵉᵈ, ᵗʰᵉ ʲᵒʸ ˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵇˡᵘᵉ.   ʸᵒᵘʳ ˡⁱᶠᵉ'ˢ ᵃ ʲᵒᵏᵉ, ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ᵇʳᵒᵏᵉ, ᵐᵃʸᵇᵉ ʸᵒᵘʳ ʰᵘˢᵇᵃⁿᵈ'ˢ ˡⁱᶠᵉ ⁱⁿˢᵘʳᵃⁿᶜᵉ ʷⁱˡˡ ᵐᵃᵏᵉ ᵘᵖ ᶠᵒʳ ⁱᵗ.  ⁱᵗ'ˢ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ᵃˡʷᵃʸˢ ˢᵗᵘᶜᵏ ⁱⁿ ˢᵉᶜᵒⁿᵈ ᵍᵉᵃʳ,  ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵗʳⁱⁿᵍˢ ᵃʳᵉ ᵒᵘᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵗᵘⁿᵉ, ʸᵒᵘʳ ʰᵃⁿᵈ ˢᶜᵃʳʳᵉᵈ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗᵘⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ᵇʳᵒᵏᵉⁿ ᵍᵘⁱᵗᵃʳ.  ʷʰᵉⁿ ⁱᵗ ʰᵃˢⁿ'ᵗ ᵇᵉᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵃʸ,  ʸᵒᵘ ʳᵉᵐᵉᵐᵇᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉ ˢⁱⁿˢ ᵒᶠ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵖᵃˢᵗ.  ʸᵒᵘʳ ʷᵉᵉᵏ, ᵒʳ ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰ,  ᵗʰᵉ ᵏⁱᵗᶜʰᵉⁿ ᵏⁿⁱᶠᵉ ʷᵃˢ ᵗᵒᵒ ˢʰᵃʳᵖ, ʸᵒᵘ ᵗᵉˡˡ ʸᵒᵘʳˢᵉˡᶠ ⁱᵗ ʷᵃˢ ᵃⁿ ᵃᶜᶜⁱᵈᵉⁿᵗ.  ᵒʳ ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ʸᵉᵃʳ,  ᵗʰᵉ ᵇˡᵒᵒᵈ ʷᵒⁿ'ᵗ ˢᵗᵒᵖ, ᵇᵘᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᶠᵉᵉˡ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗ.  ⁱ'ˡˡ ᵇᵉ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ʸᵒᵘ!  ʸᵒᵘ ʷᵉʳᵉ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᵐᵉ. ᴮᵘᵗ ᴵ ʷᵃˢ.  ᴼʰ ᵇʸ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵃʸ, ᵗʰᵉ ⁱⁿˢᵘʳᵃⁿᶜᵉ ᵐᵃᵈᵉ ᵘᵖ ᶠᵒʳ ⁱᵗ.

read under the line for the meaning/analysis of the poem :) 

i DEFINITELY did not expect the poem to get this dark. the idea started off with me thinking how the opening lines to the friends theme song could potentially have dark undertones to it, if you think about it. 

I don’t know how i was able to build up a story about a woman killing her abusive husband, taking the insurance money,  but still feeling guilty about it in small ways.  There are obviously some lines referring to the gaslighting as well as the contradictory feelings one can experience in an abusive relationship. There are times you can’t live without them, when they bring you joy, but there are times when you remember why you hated them in the first place.  The second line describes this contrast, whereas the sixth line is about how the victim feels this need to “fix” their abusers, as if their presence will change them.  It takes you a while to realise that there is nothing to be fixed, and even if there was, it is NOT your job to fix them. You can’t tune a broken guitar, because not only will it not change the guitar, it could also hurt you and give you scars. You don’t need to hurt yourself for someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.  The second last line breaks the structure of the poem, breaking the fourth wall in some way as the victim directly addresses the reader.  I’ll be there for you?? You were NEVER there for me. But I was there for me. I have always been. So now, I am leaving you, and for once in my life I am going to start taking care of ME. Not you.  Even though a part of her is living with the guilt of knowing what she did, how she snapped...she knows that she felt there was no other way to end the nightmare. 

[ccorpsidious]

ᵗʰᵉ ʷⁱⁿᵗᵉʳ ʷᵃˢ ˡᵒⁿᵍ ᵃⁿᵈ ʰᵃʳˢʰ. ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ ʷᵃˢ ᵃ ᵗʰⁱᶜᵏ ˡᵃʸᵉʳ ᵒᶠ ⁱᶜᵉ, ⁱᵐᵖʳⁱˢᵒⁿⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵒᶠᵗ ˢᵒⁱˡ ᵇᵉⁿᵉᵃᵗʰ. ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʳᵉᵉⁿ ᵍʳᵃˢˢ ʰᵃᵈ ᵇᵉᵉⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠⁱʳˢᵗ ᵗᵒ ʷⁱᵗʰᵉʳ ᵃʷᵃʸ. ᵗʰᵉ ˡᵉᵃᵛᵉˢ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵃˡⁱᵛᵉ ᵗʳᵉᵉˢ ⁿᵉˣᵗ, ˡᵉᵃᵛⁱⁿᵍ ᵇᵉʰⁱⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍʰᵒˢᵗ ᵒᶠ ʷʰᵃᵗ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵇᵉᵉⁿ. ʸᵉᵗ, ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐⁱᵈᵈˡᵉ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵈᵉˢᵒˡᵃᵗᵉ ⁿᵒᵗʰⁱⁿᵍⁿᵉˢˢ, ᵗʰⁱˢ ʷʰⁱᵗᵉ ᵖʳⁱˢᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʰᵃᵈ ᵗᵃᵏᵉⁿ ᵐᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ⁿᵃᵗᵘʳᵉ ᶜᵃᵖᵗⁱᵛᵉ, ᵍʳᵉʸ ᵃ ᶠˡᵒʷᵉʳ. ᵒⁿᵉ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈⁿ'ᵗ ᵗᵉˡˡ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᶠˡᵒʷᵉʳ ⁱᵗ ʷᵃˢ, ᵇᵘᵗ ⁱᵗ ʷᵃˢ ᵇᵉᵃᵘᵗⁱᶠᵘˡ. ᵃˢ ⁱᶠ ᵃ ʷᵃᵗᵉʳ ᶜᵒˡᵒᵘʳᵉᵈ ᵖᵃⁱⁿᵗⁱⁿᵍ ʰᵃᵈ ᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵗᵒ ˡⁱᶠᵉ, ⁱᵗˢ ʸᵉˡˡᵒʷˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵖᵘʳᵖˡᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵇˡᵘᵉˢ ˢᶜʳᵉᵃᵐᵉᵈ ᵃ ˢʸᵐᵖʰᵒⁿʸ ˢᵒ ˡᵒᵘᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ʷⁱⁿᵗᵉʳ ᵃˡᵐᵒˢᵗ ᵇʳᵒᵏᵉ ⁱᵗˢ ˢⁱˡᵉⁿᶜᵉ, ᵇᵉᵍᵍⁱⁿᵍ ᵗᵒ ʳᵉˢᵖᵒⁿᵈ ⁱⁿ ᵏⁱⁿᵈ. ᵃˡᵐᵒˢᵗ. ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵃʳᵏⁿᵉˢˢ, ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᶜᵒˡᵈ, ᵗʰⁱˢ ˡⁱᶠᵉ⁻ᶠᵘˡˡ ᶠˡᵒʷᵉʳ ᵖʳᵉᵛᵃⁱˡᵉᵈ.

[ccorpsidious]

ⁿᵉʷ ᵇᵉᵈ, ⁿᵉʷ ʳᵒᵒᵐ, ⁿᵉʷ ᵇᵉᵍⁱⁿⁿⁱⁿᵍˢ  ʷᵉˡᶜᵒᵐᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸ ᶜˡⁱᶜʰᵉᵈ ᶠᵃⁿᵗᵃˢʸ ᵉᵛᵉʳ  ᵃ ⁿᵉʷ ᵍⁱʳˡ ⁱⁿ ᵃ ⁿᵉʷ ᶜⁱᵗʸ  ᵈᵉˢᵖᵉʳᵃᵗᵉ ᵗᵒ ˡᵉᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵖᵃˢᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᶜˡⁱⁿᵍˢ ᵗᵒ ʰᵉʳ  ⁿᵉʷ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ, ⁿᵉʷ ˡⁱᵛᵉˢ  ᵇᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵃᵐᵉ ᵒˡᵈ ʰᵃˢˢˡᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʳᵃᵘᵐᵃ  ⁿᵉʷ ᵇᵘˡˡˢʰⁱᵗ, ⁿᵉʷ ᵗᵉᵃʳˢ  ᴵ ʲᵘˢᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ˡᵉᵃᵛᵉ, ᴵ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ʷᵃⁱᵗ  ⁿᵉʷ ˡᵃᵘᵍʰᵗᵉʳ, ⁿᵉʷ ʲᵒᵏᵉˢ  ʲᵒʸ ⁱˢ ˢʷᵉᵉᵗ, ᵐᵃᵏᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ ˡᵃˢᵗ ᶠᵒʳᵉᵛᵉʳ  ⁿᵉʷ ᶠᵉᵉˡⁱⁿᵍˢ, ⁿᵉʷ ᵖʳᵒᵇˡᵉᵐˢ  ᴵ ⁿᵉᵛᵉʳ ˡᵉᵃʳⁿᵗ ʰᵒʷ ᵗᵒ ˡⁱᵛᵉ ʷⁱᵗʰᵒᵘᵗ ᶠᵉᵃʳ  ⁿᵉʷ ᵖᵃᵗʰˢ, ⁿᵉʷ ʷᵃʸˢ  ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᴵ ʰᵒᵖᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ ʷᵃˢⁿ'ᵗ ᵃ ᵐⁱˢᵗᵃᵏᵉ