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onethousandthreehundredthirtythree.

[celestialinsides]

i anticipate you walking through the door

hoping you look to you’re left side to see my very dying eyes.

the alcoholic gene passing by me, but it doesn’t slip past very smoothly like the drink does.

the only reason i held on for so long was because i had visions of me and you being together, being with each other really made me happy, and i thought the only drug i needed was you.

but it turns out you just wanted to use me up until you got sick of me and throw me to the curb.

there’s such a difference when talking about both parties, with you i don’t mind saying exactly how i feel, with him i would rather make it more artistic.

and it’s ironic because he’s nothing like that and you are.

this one’s different from the others.

but i guess its because i thought that about you too.

[celestialinsides]

one love lost, another memory core gained.

bad decisions i have made, but they all led me here and at least i’m alive today.

with this loss, i have learned things i’ve learned before yes, but i’ve also learned that being naive will not get anybody anywhere, infact it will hold everyone back.

but, and i’m going to skip like i’m in a dream

i’m faced with an alternate reality

i’m met with a face i once knew before.

still i cannot decode why you meant so much to me, i cannot fathom why i have such a place in my heart for you knowing you wanna snap me in half and aim your gun at me, i will never conjure up all the right reasons why i wanna care for you and alter your history, i wont ever change your mind, i will forever mourn someone who is very much alive, countless poems written about you and you’ll never pay me any mind, you know, most of the time i dont rhyme but when i do i find myself running out of time, i get tripped up at the thought of you, the way you look at me when your skin is all black and blue, i like to think karma got to you, but i dont like knowing that you looked at me out of curiosity, that look on you’re face wasn’t malicious, but you still talk about me, your words are so full of hate. so which one is real? which face is real today? which horn will go into my face? but who’s face is actually bleeding?

i never did anything to make you hurt, to make you cry and feel sorrow

i’ve always wanted a better tomorrow.

i’ll never forget the time that your feelings were different about me, when you actually cared about me and we had a bond, one year on your birthday i was touching your hand and making some sort of pact, this year on your birthday we shared a look that i won’t ever forget.

it felt like i was standing in a field and no one else was around us, just me and you, right infront of each other, not admiring but just gazing at one another.

i wonder if maybe in a few years you’d calm down, and you’d wonder about me, question things, come back to reality, and stand tall.

i miss you. i’ll never stop writing about you. i will always continue making poetry that you won’t ever read. i will always care about you though you don’t seem to care much about me. i will always listen to songs that i know you enjoy and i will think of you, and i will still love you, i will still wanna hurt you yea, but i can get over my ego and i can forgive you, as long as you can forgive me too. the dreams i have about you won’t go away, i wish you never did either. but time works in funny ways. i hope that one day we can be adults and face each other again. i have a feeling our story isn’t over old friend. i hope you can feel me, and to a point i hope my energy haunts you, so cheers to the memories, even if i don’t remember all of them.

forever wishing that you could have been apart of me, despite how much of a no good jackass you are right now, and if you ever wanted to come back i would accept you with open arms.

goodnight, i hope you see me in your dreams and i hope i see you in mine, maybe that’s our way of communicating, and either way i hope you hear me, again i hope you feel me and fuck i hope you see me.

[celestialinsides]

your blood was light.

it wasn’t as potent as you portrayed it to be, it wasn’t thick, it wasn’t heavy, it was like water running down your lip and in between your fingers.

every glance, every step you took.

your nervous outright attack with your eyes, i felt pinned down, spread apart and gutted.

the feeling of butterflies in my stomach but it wasn’t a very beautiful sight as you think it’d be.

it was like you wanted me to say something, i could see it, in the back of your mind.

again, like a mutt, i can tell your history just by smelling you. there’s no way you can hide your feelings infront of me.

one year ago yesterday, i would have told you how proud i am of how far you’ve come, this year all i can do is look your way and hope you think positively of me.

my heart is on the ground infront of you, it’s beating, fast, but the scary thing is is that it isn’t in my chest.

this vulnerability, this deer like exposure, i don’t know what made me so Naive.

for love id do anything, but i wouldnt do that.

i wonder when i’ll see you again, if ill see you again, whatever it is i hope that the next time i see you you’ve changed even in the slightest.

i wonder if you saw me change though, i wonder if you looked at my hair and wondered what had happened during that time we hadn’t seen eachother in months.

i wonder if you know, i wonder if you care.

i wonder if you know that i care.

i wonder if you wonder if i still care.

this list surpasses how long the jolly man can keep up with everyone’s behaviors.

when departing, i wonder if i should pass something by you, but the kid swerves and intervenes with me and my overly aggressive heart, maybe he even saves me in a way, maybe the time to say something just wasn’t today.

[celestialinsides]

[celestialinsides]

our bodies intertwined.

i have no other way to describe this.

Your body weight transferring warmth to my heart.

both of our stomachs growl, mine empty and yours full.

symbolic? in a way? any way?

i had the best time with you, but this never lasts long. no matter how long i stay it’s never enough. no matter how much i hold you, no matter how long i kiss you for.

the joy, the impact doesn’t sit and settle.

i know that by tonight, my tanker will be empty, deprived again and yet, sadly, my wounds will re open remaining vulnerable

i reveal my shame to you.

these assaults, these happenings i carry with me.

you promise nothing is wrong but like a dog, like a fucking dog i can smell the fear on both of us.

and much like a dog, god will i wait. leash or no leash i will wait by this tree until it provides enough shade for me to sleep peacefully.

your twitching body, your lust induced eyes, i can’t tell what is real or what is fake, but i will enjoy my time with you for as long as it lasts.

you love me, you fill me with fear. but nothing is your fault, nothing is your fault besides you taking the sword and stabbing yourself. your blood sprays, it lands on my finger tips that i taste. fruit filled, and madness within.

you are not something i would want to erase, but you seem to flip the pencil and erase yourself.

will everything be okay? will everything be as we imagined? or is this little phase in time teach me a lesson i’ve most likely been taught before? i’m done learning.

i wanna graduate, and i wanna graduate with you.

ever so often i can smell your breath on mine, your dna will linger inside of me.

your marks i will walk around with and cherish, i love nothing more but to be yours, but is it me you’d ask to be?

i wish you’d uncover yourself, god damn it i will pull you out of that cage even if it meant my hand came out severed from your sharp teeth that were once in my neck.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

[celestialinsides]

will you teach me to be a man for the woman i am?

[celestialinsides]

a dream so far away it feels that i’ve already lived it before with all this thinking.

a kiss so close that i know your dna will spread throughout my veins and grow like Roots.

will this feeling stay or will it fade away like it does with everyone else.

will i feel like a kid forever? or will i soon grow.

no matter what way the wind blows, i will remember the first time we ever Touched, Hungrily yet Softly.

I will never forget the way your hands wrapped around me, Starved and Aching.

The following day, Walking around as if last night never existed, but it was true to us, and we knew that, it was all that mattered.

what will we say the day everyone finally knows the secret we’ve tried to keep for so long.

his favorite color was Green, and he Poisoned me.

Your favorite color was Blue, so My Purple accents loved You.

i wonder what our next memory will be

whatever i may see, i promise to hold it close to me.

[celestialinsides]

a body sore

a chest tight

i don’t know what control is

not around you

usually i have some self, but right now

oh right now…

[celestialinsides]

excitement, like on christmas eve, I’m struggling to fall asleep.

will your pretty face be under the tree for me?

i dream, In and Out, Day and Night.

will things align the way they are supposed to be?

feeling the touch of your hands will i get to know what i’ve been missing?

and will your eyes radiate the same energy, the same intensity as the sun

will your fears be overcome at the sight of me, i wonder about all these things.

one day your smell will be embedded into me.

your hands will reside in the deepest parts of my heart.

we tell a story, just by looking at each other, there are no words needed.

we are fluent in each others body languages.

a touch-me-not, but you touch a lot.

i respect you and your boundaries, But i wish you’d cross mine, There is no line that i’ve drawn.

You have the key, my entire trust.

I let you pick from my plate, I act like i don’t notice anything, But i’m doing it because i love you.

There’s not very many people i can let take from me.

but you…you can take everything.

there’s not much more of me that’s left for taking anyway, Unless you decide to share and not deduct me.

alone i wish we were.

Together i wish even more.

So much to take into consideration, but all plans went well.

all the stars, aligned, Just for Us.

I will be there soon, And i will Love You. I will make you feel seen. i will make you feel good.

Yours only, My sweet King.

[road0flife]

[celestialinsides]

your face not one i wish to see anymore

but his, oh but his but his but his.

you think it’s betrayal but i know it’s Fair Play.

you didn’t read the rules, you didn’t know the terms.

was this a game you actually wanted to play or was this something you thought was easy and you could beat?

i’m afraid not, and i hate to break the news to you.

“you changed partners?”

“i’m afraid so.”

you tried to find any way to make it stop but you were wasting your Breath.

there is no pause button, there is no reversing. We are constantly moving forward.

and with that i found a way that i could extend my Life, as you had drained it of me and told me how i could and should be.

I’m due for something and i’m

not quite sure what it is.

but it will come and take its leave.

a moment.

a fragment.

i hope this never goes away. i hope this feeling stays forever.

[celestialinsides]

Under Warmth

and Under Armor.

Away from the sky falling and the Angels Bowling.

I look into the glass that’s infront of your eyes, The droplets of Water on your lenses, It only made you’re eyes more Clear than they were before.

you stare at me from Under and i admire you from Above.

Should i keep silent or should i Say something that might Hurt us both?

Your skin, Fades to a Red, Like the roses i Saw walking here.

your hands, With Roots throughout your arms.

Your Spots, Where my Lips should Lay.

Your Curls that my Hands Desire to Grasp.

We Feel the same, We tell each other the same secrets, We decide to keep it that way.

for a Few moments the Water shouts down at us, its Misty in my Heart.

I Grasp you and i decide That i wouldn’t Get a head of myself, That Losing You should Guarentee me no more than what i have endured before, What i cannot let go to this day.

I Shed a few Tears that it feels like i’ve been keeping in for years, I’m Nervous, And i am Scared, so so Scared.

I’ve kept a secret with you but for others i’ve kept a secret from them.

There are some you should keep and some you should tell.

I clipped your rose and i’ve clipped mine too, Our thorns brushing up against each others delicate Skin.

it’s Harsh, But it’s Beautiful.

Together we intertwine, I Smell your Scent and you Taste my Soul.

Stay Silent shall we?

as we Take these ropes and together we learn those facts of Love and the Understanding of Life.

We will not Hurt one another.

We Will not Allow Feelings to Bombarb us.

We will continue to Care and continue to Speak.

We will Find people who Have Will for us.

though life is Uncalled for and Unpredictable.

Maybe one day i will end up in your Hands, And i will Understand you better than i’ve understood Most.

For our Bond is something that cannot Break, And your hands on my waist will be something i cannot Recreate.

I’m glad you are Here, and i know you’re glad i am too.

Let’s keep it This Way.

[celestialinsides]

after you get home from work i have a story i need to tell you about the time you thought it was okay to mock me just because it hurt

i have a story about a boy who tried to be a man but couldn’t amount to anything but a toy

on a shelf you thought you were but i was locked away in a closet, in a tote i knew id never come out of for 6 months just to be forgotten about for another 8

i knew we weren’t who we said we were when these issues presented themselves in Extreme Forms of Hate

Ten fold, You Stuck every sharp Object you could find and pierced my skin but you never thought you were so cold

A King, You made yourself to be, “i try to” you said but trying wasn’t enough.

you’ve broken enough can’t you see? Creating more sharp things to Stab at Me.

i never would have thought that this is where things would lead, To such maliciousness and Ignorance, It was of nothing that i need.

Not to Survive, Not to Breathe.

You didn’t respect yourself, you didn’t respect me.

Instead you said let’s keep going, Let’s Love because it’s our first time and we don’t know what we’re doing

well i’m done being oblivious, i’m done being mean.

i want my wings, i want to spread them and i want to be free.

[celestialinsides]

i can’t stop writing about you.

i won’t.

you will feel what i felt with these words written into the universe, it will all come back to you tenfold.

i know it will, i know it.

you have been reminded of me, you came back. you said sorry and we faced each other back to back, side to side, i told you nothing could truly get inside.

i got the closure i needed, you meant it, you felt it. we start over today.

i will never let time lead us astray, not again, no not today.

[celestialinsides]

please please please tell me there will be a day where i get to stare at you up close again.

please please tell me i’ll get to notice the things on your face that i didn’t see before.

please tell me i’ll get to experience you from a distance that didn’t make you seem like a Zoo animal I have to stand on my tippy toes to see over the Ledge.

when when when will i get to see you again.

when when will you approach me and tell me you think i’m the dove you saw in your dreams.

when will i get to know you best.

why why why does it kill me that i can’t hear your heartbeat through your chest.

why why will we have to wait until our stars align in order to experience one another again.

why are you so far away from what i call home.

i’m sorry i’m sorry i let you go the way i did

i’m sorry if you weren’t done with me just yet

it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay if you want to bash me for the things i did

it’s okay it’s okay if i wanted to do the same?

it’s okay if you want to talk again, i won’t yell i won’t scream but instead i will explain what compelled me to drop you on your head, so sudden, so harsh.

why was our time to short, why were our words so stock, why did we proceed to feel the need to fly away from our flock.

why did you and your friends have to get into your head and why did you laugh at me the way that you did.

you sat back and watched, you watched me burn as you got everything you wanted, and so much more in Return.

i don’t know wether to Emmitt harm, or radiate such love i don’t think you’ve ever known.

if only you knew, if only you knew..

[celestialinsides]

i don’t know what demanded you of betrayal • i don’t know how to explain that i could have proved to you such good in order to lead what was so bad astray • i know you aren’t caring, i know you aren’t empathetic, it seems time and time again you reoccur and i can’t get the picture of the horns growing out of your skull to leave my head. • i don’t know why i want to hurt you, but i don’t understand why you went and hurt me either. • the music, the movies, the conversations that proved to me you were capable of loving, despite seeming so unloved. •the one time i had gotten close to you, you hid in the darkest shadow you could find, you kept yourself there. •why you didn’t want to be seen? none of my business. but i wanted to do everything i could to uncover you, Like a fossil, Like some kind of ancient stone captured in the earths grasp. • wether you are deemed as Evil, wether you are guilty of wrongdoing, i hope that one day something in your mind body and heart comes to terms with change. your eyes never broke apart from my gaze, how i wish you’d let go of that Filthy, Disgusting Hate.

[celestialinsides]

from too little to too much.

i hope to avoid you, i hope to feel nothing when i do it too.

Make up your mind.

i’m growing so tired of you.

i do everything to preform for you. it must be perfect or i am punished by the absence of this view.

it’s nothing much anyways, just burning trees and fallout.

i appreciate you trying to save us, but you only tried when you knew i would be leaving.

now i have to stay, if i dont you’ll break. but im breaking more than you just sitting here.

when will the day arrive that i will finally take it upon myself to brush off your shoulder.

i found a pile of frogs, Crying, Croaking.

as soon as i walked away they stopped their singing.

i wonder if the same would happen with us.

“Us”?…

no more.