Twilight Chapter 6
Chapter Summary: Bella Swan callously flirts with a guy in order to get information about the Cullens. Also, there is some casual racism.
In the event that this gets flagged, here is another place to read the chapter snark.
Nota Bene: As a general rule, native people prefer to be called by their tribal name. Of course, some are offended with the term Native American while others don't mind. For the purpose of this book snark, I'll be using these terms interchangeably: American Indian, Native American, and Quiluete Indians.
Full disclosure: I'm not Native American. So whenever I bring anything up concerning American Indians, I do research. As always, I provide my sources in the form of links.
If anything is inaccurate, please let me know so I can make the necessary revisions.
As I sat in my room,
Doodling "I heart Eddy" and "Bella Cullen" into my notebooks and then screamed:
trying to concentrate on the third act of Macbeth,
Even though many of Shakespeare's works are required reading for many colleges and high schools...
This is Stephenie Meyer's subtle way of telling us that Bella is the only person worthy to ride Edward's sparkly disco stick.
I was really listening for my truck.
"Because Edward will be inside it. Oh if only he could be inside me!"
I would have thought, even over the pounding rain, I could have heard the engine's roar.
Or perhaps the engine isn't loud.
It's hard to believe anything that comes out of Bella's mouth once she acted like a crazy bitch.
But when I went to peek out the curtain — again
Of course, we are supposed to see this as normal behavior.
Even though this is screaming "bitch be obsessed."
— it was suddenly there.
A vehicle doesn't suddenly appear.
And last time I checked, Edward Cullen is a sparklepire NOT a wizard.
I wasn't looking forward to Friday,
It is hardly shocking.
The only thing that brings her joy aside from being the center of attention is Edward Cullen.
and it more than lived up to my non-expectations.
Of course there were the fainting comments.
Can you blame them?!
First of all, you...
Swooned like a maiden in a Victorian melodrama during class.
Had Mike, a perfectly nice guy help you walk to the nurse's office. Even though you treat said guy horribly on a regular basis.
Closed your eyes and rested your head on the sidewalk.
And that's not even including the fact that you were kidnapped whisked away out of the school's parking lot by Edward Cullen.
In conclusion? You have a promising career as a reality TV star. Because you have the attention seeking and egotistical bitch part down pat.
Jessica especially seemed to get a kick out of that story.
Luckily Mike had kept his mouth shut,
"If not, I would've cut out his tongue."
and no one seemed to know about Edward's involvement.
Well duh!
A kidnapper doesn't draw attention to themselves.
Instead, they would be inconspicuous as possible.
She did have a lot of questions about lunch, though.
"Is the meatloaf made with ground beef? I heard that the cafeteria lady used squirrel meat instead."
"So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday?" Jessica asked in Trig.
"Well… Edward said we could be friends. And that was before he kidnapped me. Isn't he dreamy?"
"... You are as sane as Elizabeth Bathory."
"I don't know," I answered truthfully.
"Answered truthfully"?
…
Thanks for the unintentional humor, Stephenie Meyer.
"He never really got to the point."
He kind of did.
Edward told Bella that they can be friends so long as she is not being smart. He also warned her that "I'm not a good friend for you."
Since Edward didn't spew all of his secrets in a public place to the town's crazy bitch, Bella's tiny mind concluded that he didn't get to the point.
"You looked kind of mad," she fished.
"Did I?" I kept my expression blank.
Ya know…
Art does imitate life.
Both Bella Swan and Kirsten Stewart are expressionless people devoid of talent or personality.
Jessica remarks that she has never seen Edward sitting with anyone that isn't his siblings. She also adds that this is "weird".
"Weird," I agreed.
…
This is coming from the same girl whose favorite pastime is to stare at a guy that she is obsessed with and once sniffed her hair in public.
Of course, this is normal behavior and not the actions of a chick that is destined to be living in a cardboard box underneath a bridge wearing a tin foil hat.
She seemed annoyed; she flipped her dark curls impatiently —
I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.
I'll let you know when I give a damn.
The worst part about Friday was that,
Somebody decided to do a public reading of the Necronomicon in the town square. What an asshole!
even though I knew he wasn't going to be there, I still hoped.
Even though Edward wasn't invited on the trip and his presence would have been awkward at best.
Worst case scenario, it would be a hostile situation.
But let's focus on the Sue's anguish.
Anyway, Bella enters the cafeteria with Jessica and Mike. She is staring at the Cullen table and sees Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper talking.
But oh no! Edward isn't there.
It is time for some more melodrama!
And I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me
May the gloom smother her.
as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.
You are not seeing him this weekend.
Stop acting like this is 1940 and your boyfriend was just drafted in the U.S. army.
At my usual table,
She can't just say our table.
Noooo!
Instead, she has to make it sound like everyone is sitting in attendance to gaze at the Sullen Queen of Phoenix.
everyone was full of our plans for the next day.
Unfortunately, none of it entails vanquishing a certain Mary Sue.
Mike was animated again,
Gotta love how Bella acts like that is a bad thing.
I’d rather be with an upbeat person rather than somebody who alternates from being a psycho bitch to a sullen and spoiled brat.
putting a great deal of trust in the local weatherman who promised sun tomorrow.
Is it bad to trust the weatherman???
Since when???
I'd have to see that before I believed it.
I know that sometimes the weather forecast isn’t always accurate…
But why is Bella acting like all weather forecasters are liars?
What did they ever do to her?
Is she wearing the tin foil hat again?
But it was warmer today — almost sixty.
Maybe the outing wouldn't be completely miserable.
The only way that the outing can be enjoyable is if you don’t go.
Just sayin’.
A girl named Lauren is giving Bella some “unfriendly glances”.
Any person who doesn’t like Bella is a friend of mine.
They are all leaving the cafeteria. Bella notices that Lauren has:
slick, silver blond hair,
The designated mean girl MUST have blonde hair.
Because yay for perpetuating stereotypes!
And by the by, blond should be written as blond[e].
When a woman has fair colored hair, she is a blonde.
And when a man has fair colored hair, he is blond.
and she was evidently unaware of that.
Of having blonde hair?
Or you being right behind her?
"…don't know why Bella" — she sneered my name — "doesn't just sit with the Cullens from now on."
The only people that Bella likes are the Cullens.
She treats everyone with contempt and thinks that they should be grateful that she is gracing them with her presence.
I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had,
Everyone knows that an opponent of a Sue must have an unpleasant sounding voice.
Because Heaven forbid that they have a melodious voice.
and I was surprised by the malice in it.
The impudence!
Everyone knows that a Mary Sue must be worshiped and adored!
If not, the heretic should be burned at the stake!
I really didn't know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me —
Puh-lease!
Within five seconds, people know that you are a psycho bitch.
or so I'd thought.
In order to think Bella, you need to have a brain.
"She's my friend; she sits with us," Mike whispered back loyally,
Uh “loyally”?
Mike is being loyal by defending her. Which makes the dialogue tag redundant.
Even though Bella hasn't done anything to deserve it.
I can't think of a single time where she was a great friend to Mike.
but also a bit territorially.
Sorry S. Meyer.
I'm not convinced that Mike is a possessive jerk.
That would be sparkledouche.
Anyway, Bella lets Jess and Angela pass her.
I didn't want to hear any more.
"Why are people saying nasty things about me? I'm like holier than Jesus!"
After it is established that Bella is a wrongly persecuted saint... We learn that Charlie is happy that Bella is going on her trip.
I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he'd spent too many years building his habits to break them now.
Plenty of people break habits for the sake of their children.
It is more likely that Charlie is overjoyed that he has some time away from his bratty and bitchy daughter.
Of course he knew the names of all the kids going, and their parents, and their great-grandparents, too, probably.
And this is surprising because ...?
In a small town, everybody knows everybody.
He seemed to approve.
If Charlie didn't approve...
Then he wouldn't be happy that Bella is going to La Push.
I wondered if he would approve of my plan to ride to Seattle with Edward Cullen. Not that I was going to tell him.
In a better story, this would result in Bella being found dead in an alley way.
But sadly, this isn't going to be the case.
"Dad, do you know a place called Goat Rocks or something like that? I think it's south of Mount Rainier," I asked casually.
Asked “casually”?
It is obvious that Bella wants some info on a place that she will probably go to stalk sparklepires on a nature walk.
"Yeah — why?"
I’ll already provided the reason, Charlie.
Try to keep up.
Bella shrugs her shoulders and then replies that “some kids” planned on camping there.
"It's not a very good place for camping." He sounded surprised."
Too many bears.
If only said bears would kill some sparklepires.
Most people go there during the hunting season."
…
And I’m still holding out hope that a certain vampire takes an enthusiastic walk in Goat Rocks.
"Oh," I murmured. "Maybe I got the name wrong."
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get ready to stalk the hot and rich douchebag.”
I meant to sleep in, but an unusual brightness woke me.
Because Bella is being abducted by aliens!
I opened my eyes to see a clear yellow light streaming through my window.
…
You know what?
I feel bad for the aliens.
They are going to be stuck with an insufferable bitch as they make their way back home.
I couldn't believe it.
I can’t either.
Which is why I’m crossing my fingers and toes this time.
I hurried to the window to check,
And Charlie was doing a happy dance on the lawn.
and
The worst book quickly became the best book.
I guess Christmas miracles can come early.
sure enough, there was the sun.
….
Sorry to raise everyone’s hopes up only for them to crash and explode.
Bella is just being melodramatic again. For the millionth time.
It was in the wrong place in the sky, too low, and it didn't seem to be as close as it should be,
but it was definitely the sun.
Verus being a big wheel of cheese.
Clouds ringed the horizon, but a large patch of blue was visible in the middle. I lingered by the window as long as I could, afraid that if I left the blue would disappear again.
...
Not only is Bella the center of the universe...
She also has the power to create a sunny day?
*Sigh*
Anywho..
Bella is heading over the “Olympic Outfitters store” which is owned by Mike’s family.
Hmm… I wonder if the Newtons are related to the people that run this store.
Aside from learning that the store is located in the northern part of the town, we learn that Bella has seen the store but never entered inside.
The reason? Bella says she does not have “much need for any supplies required for being outdoors over an extended period of time.”
Bella is white as or even whiter than a typical character in a Tim Burton movie.
Also, she is a lazy bitch.
We are told what type of vehicles that Mike and Tyler are driving.
I’ll spare you the details because there is only so much minutiae that a person can stomach before they start foaming at the mouth.
People are hanging around Mike’s car. They are Eric, Jessica, Angela, Lauren, and two guys that Bella was “fairly sure their names were Ben and Conner.”
I will point this out if anyone tries to suggest that Bella is a great friend.
She DOES NOT have memory loss due to a significant head injury or trauma.
It is just that Bella Swan is a cold-hearted bitch who doesn’t want to remember anyone’s name that ISN’T a psychophant or a sparklepire.
Three other girls stood with them, including one I remembered falling over in Gym on Friday.
Let’s do some simple arithmetic, shall we?
3 + 1 = 4
Let 3 stand for the three other girls.
While 1 is for the one girl that Bella “remembered falling over in gym.”
In conclusion?
Anyway...
The girl that Bella fell over gave her a dirty look before whispering something to Lauren.
We also find out that Lauren is blonde and “eyed me scornfully.” Yes, in that order.
So it was going to be one of those days.
There must be a blonde conspiracy afoot!
It is not because they detest a nasty bitch.
At least Mike was happy to see me.
All of the "good" characters must like the Sue.
If not...
At best, they are jealous bitches or losers envious of the Sue's awesomeness.
At worst, they are villains.
"You came!" he called, delighted. "
"And I said it would be sunny today, didn't I?"
"I told you I was coming," I reminded him.
Bella made no secret that she detests anyone that isn't the Cullens.
She also reluctantly agreed to go on a trip but her inner monologue won't stop complaining about it.
Why should Mike believe that Bella would actually show up?
"We're just waiting for Lee and Samantha… unless you invited someone," Mike added.
"Nope," I lied lightly, hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie.
Isn't Bella a wonderful person?
She is a liar who feels no remorse for her actions.
Anywho...
Bella hopes that Edward shows up. A shocker I know.
Mike asks her if she would ride in his car. She agrees.
He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.
"Yus a good boy! Yes, you are! Now, roll over!"
"You can have shotgun," he promised.
I'd love to see him give Bella a shotgun.
In the mouth.
I hid my chagrin.
Not very well, I'd imagine.
She's probably acting like a maiden in a penny dreadful.
Anyway, Bella manages to wedge Jess between herself and Mike.
It was only fifteen miles to La Push from Forks, with gorgeous, dense green forests edging the road most of the way and the wide Quillayute River snaking beneath it twice.
Since when?
So far, Bella has despised "gorgeous, dense green forests".
She complained that they were "too green" and how it was an "alien planet."
I was glad I had the window seat. We'd rolled the windows down — the Suburban was a bit claustrophobic with nine people in it —
and I tried to absorb as much sunlight as possible.
Good.
May you get melanoma.
It turns out, Bella has been to the beaches in La Push many times when she spent her summers with Charlie.
Then we get a lovely interlude where everyone is looking at the pretty beaches, woods, and rocks.
The clouds still circled the sky, threatening to invade at any moment, but for now the sun shone bravely in its halo of blue sky.
Stop angsting about the clouds and sun!
I'm sure even in Phoenix, there were cloudy days.
It is painfully obvious that Stephenie Meyer Bella Swan thinks that the weather is either blazing hot or dark and cloudy.
We learn that Mike and the other guys are capable of gathering wood and starting a fire. Which makes them way more talented than Bella.
Of course, the girls are "gossiping excitedly".
Because in Mary Sue fiction, all the other girls MUST be gossipy bitches.
The Sue is above all things petty, which makes her superior to everyone else.
After Mike shows Bella that the salt causes the fire to turn blue, he sits next to her.
A half hour later, some of the guys want to hike to the nearby tidal pools.
It was a dilemma.
To push Bella in and hold her head down...
Or to bludgeon Bella to death and then bury her body in the forest.
Decisions, decisions...
On the one hand, I loved the tide pools.
Bella loves something that isn't the Cullens???
They had fascinated me since I was a child;
Is it because they are as shallow as you?
they were one of the only things I ever looked forward to when I had to come to Forks.
In other words:
On the other hand, I'd also fallen into them a lot.
Not a big deal when you're seven and with your dad.
And I bet Charlie has thought to himself many times "If only I had let the bitch drown.."
It reminded me of Edward's request — that I not fall into the ocean.
Yes, sparkledouche said that.
But he also said that Bella was somebody who "attract accidents like a magnet."
Lauren was the one who made my decision for me.
"Because a woman making her own decisions is evil! That's what the creator told me."
She didn't want to hike,
So?
Not everyone likes to go hiking.
and she was definitely wearing the wrong shoes for it.
Define "wrong shoes".
Is it high heels or flip flops?
Most of the other girls besides Angela and Jessica decided to stay on the beach as well.
Girls who hate hiking must be evil bitches!
Tyler and Eric decided to stay on the beach as well.
I got up quietly to join the pro-hiking group.
I bet everyone in the group was sarcastically thinking "Oh goody."
Anyway, Mike smiles when he sees Bella coming.
The hike wasn't too long, though I hated to lose the sky in the woods.
By the way, Stephenie Meyer...
When Bella Swan is melodramatic about everything, it doesn't make her clever or mature.
Instead, it makes her look as sane as Bertha Mason.
The green light of the forest was strangely
In order for the light to change color in a forest, it requires thick layers of interlocking leaves.
at odds with the adolescent laughter,
Uh "adolescent laughter"?
A teen won't describe teenage laughter as "adolescent."
They would just call it laughter.
too murky and ominous to be in harmony with the light banter around me.
Because if an area isn't filled with radiant sunlight...
It must be "murky and ominous" place that belies "the light banter."
I had to watch each step I took very carefully, avoiding roots below and branches above,
We get it, S. Meyer.
Bella is so clumsy that she trips over air molecules.
Stop reminding us every five seconds.
and I soon fell behind.
Anyway...
After Bella breaks free from "the emerald confines", she is at the shore again.
Apparently, it is during low tide and the banks are "pebbled". These banks are described as the following:
shallow pools
A great description of Mary Sues.
that never completely drained were teeming with life.
Uh, "never completely drained"?
Is that being like a little pregnant or sober drunk?
Anywho...
Bella decides to look inside a tide pool while everyone else is leaping over rocks. She is "spellbound".
...
You know what?
Bella liking something that isn't Phoenix or the Cullens is a pleasant sight to behold.
Savor this moment, because it isn't going to last.
[...] twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them,
When crabs scurry, they need to stick their body parts outside the shell.
They can't do that if their shell is "twisted".
[...] while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds,
Because people go to the races...
To bet on eels.
waiting for the sea to return.
They were writing it a long love letter!
I was completely absorbed,
In your self?
If that's the case, then it is something we can finally agree on.
except for one small part of my mind
Must...
Fight the urge..
To pluck such low hanging fruit.
that wondered what Edward was doing now,
Probably kidnapping another girl and handcuffing her to the radiator in the basement.
and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.
"He'd probably insult me some more. But that's okay, since he is a sparkling Adonais."
It turns out that the guys "the boys" are hungry, so Bella followed them back.
I tried to keep up better this time through the woods, so naturally I fell a few times.
Bella didn't fall when she went on her hike in the woods or when she stood on the rocks.
But now, Stephenie Meyer is claiming otherwise.
'Ello contradiction!
I got some shallow scrapes on my palms, and the knees of my jeans were stained green, but it could have been worse.
When we got back to First Beach, the group we'd left behind had multiplied.
It is because they are tribbles.
It would be much better if Bella just said "When we got back to First Beach, more people joined the other group."
As we got closer we could see the shining, straight black hair and copper skin of the newcomers, teenagers from the reservation come to socialize.
On both fronts.
Native Americans don't have copper skin.
And they do mingle others.
*sigh *
If you though that sentence was cringe worthy...
Hold onto your butts 'cause the racism is only getting started...
Food is being passed around while Eric introduces everyone.
I noticed a younger boy sitting on the stones near the fire glance up at me in interest.
He must be interested in Bella.
Because as everyone knows, the Mary Sue is more beautiful than Aphrodite.
It turns out that the person who noticed Bella is called Jacob. Also, one of the visitors is also called Jessica.
It was relaxing to sit with Angela;
I bet the same can't be said for you.
she was a restful kind of person to be around —
This line is redundant when looking at the previous statement.
As the words "relaxing" and "restful" indicate that Angela has a calming presence .
Personally, I would rewrite the sentence as: It was relaxing to sit with Angela; she didn't feel the need to fill every silence with chatter.
she didn't feel the need to fill every silence with chatter.
As an ambivert, it is annoying when someone is constantly talking. Sometimes it is nice to enjoy the moment.
So I can agree with this sentiment.
She left me free to think undisturbed while we ate.
Translation?
"The filthy peasant didn't pester me during my meal."
And I was thinking about how disjointedly time seemed to flow in Forks,
Because Forks is in Twilight Zone.
passing in a blur at times,
Thanks to something called alcohol.
with single images standing out more clearly than others.
"Like the time I was projectile vomiting after having too much moonshine. Such a fond memory."
And then, at other times,
I saw the pink elephants on parade.
every second was significant, etched in my mind.
"Especially the ones where I brushed my teeth and used mouthwash. After all, good oral hygiene is important!"
I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.
...
......
.........................
That's right, gentlepersons.
The "difference" is Edward Cullen.
After that nauseating statement...
We find out that after lunch, people drifted into "twos and threes."
If you think these teens are sneaking off to have sex or to drink beer, you would be mistaken.
Instead, they are skipping rocks, shopping in the village, or going on a hike.
Even though said teens are unsupervised and partying on a beach at night.
A few minutes after Angela left with the hikers, Jacob sauntered over to take her place by my side.
Of course Bella can't say that Jacob sat next to her.
Nooooo!
She makes it sound like Jacob is by her side like a loyal dog.
It turns out that Jacob is either fourteen or fifteen years old and has "long, glossy black hair pulled back with a rubber band."
First of all, a rubber band is not a hair tie.
Even though it has a tight grip, it removes stands of hair.
Also, continued use will cause breakage.
Which is why a cotton hair tie or a scrunchie should be used.
Both cotton hair ties and scrunchies are available in dollar stores.
As it turns out, one can reach a Dollar Plus store from La Push within twenty-four minutes.
His skin was beautiful, silky and russet colored;
I'll say it again...
American Indians do not have red skin.
his eyes were dark,
Gotta love how S. Meyer uses synonyms to describe Edward's eyes.
But when it comes to Jacob, she's like "they are not amber or blue. I guess that makes them dark."
set deep above the high planes of
the Serengeti.
his cheekbones.
Sometimes when describing a face, the word "contour" is used.
I have never seen the words "high planes" being used to describe someone's features.
He still had just a hint of childish roundness left around his chin.
I think Stephenie Meyer is trying to say that Jacob still has a bit of a baby face.
But the way she phrased it, Jacob has a double chin.
Altogether, a very pretty face.
Because most guys would be flattered to hear they have a pretty face.
However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.
Please tell me that Jacob called a crazy bitch.
If he did, I'd give him a standing ovation.
"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"
Bella is pissed off...
Because a guy that she hasn't met before called her by her first name.
It was like the first day of school all over again.
Fuck you, Bella.
"Bella," I sighed.
You can't laugh, smile, giggle, or sigh dialogue.
Anyway...
Jacob remarks that she bought his dad's truck. Bella remarks that she "probably should remember you."
Jacob replies that he is youngest of his siblings and that Bella would remember his older sisters.
Bella suddenly remembers their names. They are Rachel and Rebecca.
Apparently, Bella never befriended them because she "kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips."
Bella asks if his sisters are here to which Jacob replies no.
It turns out that Rachel received a scholarship to Washington State while Rebecca married a Samoan surfer and lives in Hawaii.
"Married. Wow." I was stunned. The twins were only a little over a year older than I was.
I bet Rebecca isn't going to spawn a back-braking and bloodthirsty abomination.
Just a hunch.
Bella and Jacob chit-chat for a bit. It is revealed that Jacob loves working on cars.
A character with a hobby that doesn't involve kidnapping or stalking?
It is a pleasant surprise.
He was very easy to talk with.
Meanwhile...
Talking to Bella Swan is as pleasant as being stung by wasps.
He flashed a brilliant smile,
At least it was brilliant.
Nothing is worse than a dull smile.
looking at me appreciatively in a way I was learning to recognize.
I will bring this up if someone claims that Bella is unaware that Jacob has a crush on her.
I wasn't the only one who noticed.
"My life isn't easy! I have to constantly beat men off with a stick."
Since a character other than Edward or Bella is getting the spotlight...
Stephenie Meyer "corrects" this by having Lauren butt in.
She asks if Jacob knows Bella.
in what I imagined
Well, insane people do have a vivid imagination.
was an insolent tone —
I'm surprised that Stephenie Meyer didn't have Bella exclaim:
from across the fire.
Well, it isn't going to be from the ocean.
"We've sort of known each other since I was born," he laughed, smiling at me again.
I'll say it again...
You CAN'T laugh dialogue.
"How nice." She didn't sound like she thought it was nice at all,
and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed.
Are they as pale as Edward's skin?
Or they are fishy as Bella's stares?
Inquiring minds would like to know.
Lauren then remarks that it is a shame the Cullens aren't there and "Didn't anyone think to invite them?"
Her expression of concern was unconvincing.
"You mean Dr. Carlisle Cullen's family?" the tall, older boy asked
Is there anyone else with the same name?
We find out that the older boy's voice "was very deep."
Lauren "condescendingly" asked if he knows them.
"The Cullens don't come here," he said in a tone that closed the subject,
You just expect him to give you all the juicy details?
I guess Bella thinks everyone gossips like fish merchant's wives.
ignoring her question.
Kind of.
The guy knows the Cullens don't go to La Push. He has also heard about them.
This means he knows someone who encountered the Cullens or has a friend of a friend that met them.
As a general rule, people only know a stranger's name if it is brought up in conversation or if said person is a celebrity \ member of a royal family.
Anyway, Tyler gets Lauren's attention by asking her opinion about a CD.
I stared at the deep-voiced boy, taken aback,
"How dare he? Does this guy know that as the Queen of Phoenix, I demand a further explanation!"
but he was looking away toward the dark forest behind us.
In a better story, the main character would discover that someone or something is monitoring their every move.
Instead, it probably doesn't amount to anything significant.
He'd said that the Cullens didn't come here,
Yes...
Your point being?
but his tone had implied something more — that they weren't allowed; they were prohibited.
...
..............
Even though there is no reason to think this is the case.
Writers, if you want the readers to notice that something might be amiss... You need to give them a reason.
In Dracula by Bram Stoker, Jonathan Harker is warned by multiple people not to go to Dracula's castle. For instance, the innkeeper's wife is pleading with him not to go and urges him to wear a crucifix necklace.
Also, the carriage driver tries to persuade Jonathan to go to Bukovina. Yet Jonathan instructs the driver to take him to the castle.
These incidents create intrigue: Why is everyone frightened of the Count and his castle? Are the Transylvanian peasants are telling Jonathan the truth? Or is it just silly superstitions?
This is one of the mysteries that the character along with the reader has to solve.
In conclusion?
If you have a character convinced that something fishy or sinister is happening...
Yet there is ZERO reason why anyone would come to that conclusion...
It does not make that character astute or clever.
Instead, it makes them look like a tinfoil wearing loon.
His manner left a strange impression on me,
Because in this situation...
The guy is STRANGE...
Not the chick that is convinced that she uncovered a conspiracy.
and I tried to ignore it without success.
Tell me something I don't know, Stephenie Meyer.
Jacob interrupted my meditation.
Meditation?
More like interrupting the ravings of a lunatic.
"So is Forks driving you insane yet?"
"Jessica thinks that I drive everyone insane. But she's just a filthy peasant."
"Oh, I'd say that's an understatement." I grimaced.
I'll say it again...
You can't grimace words.
He grinned understandingly.
...
................
I just had a flashback when Draco started to "cry wisely" in My Immortal.
I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullens,
"turning over"?
Puh-lease!
She's rolling all over them like a pig in the mud.
and I had a sudden inspiration.
If you mean by "inspiration", the demonic kind...
Then I'll agree with you.
It was a stupid plan,
Honey...
When were any of your ideas brilliant?
but I didn't have any better ideas.
"Because my ideas either involve me acting like a psycho bitch or a drooling moron. Aren't I a great female protagonist?"
I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls,
"young Jacob"?
Wouldn't a teenager just refer to him as just Jacob?
'Cause "young Jacob" just screams cougar. And I'm not talking four-legged type.
so that he wouldn't see through my sure-to be- pitiful attempts at flirting.
"Behold my faux self deprecation! Aren't I such a wonderful person?"
"Do you want to walk down the beach with me?" I asked, trying to imitate that way Edward had of looking up from underneath his eyelashes.
....
.............
For the record...
I know that some guys who are flamboyant and heterosexual.
But considering the fact Edward has actively avoided any kind of romantic and sexual relationship with women...
I find it hard to believe that Edward is 100% heterosexual.
It couldn't have nearly the same effect,
Because Edward is so fabulous!
I was sure, but Jacob jumped up willingly enough.
Silly Jacob!
She only has the hots for a sparkling douchebag.
Anyway...
We get more descriptions of La Push.
"So you're, what, sixteen?" I asked, trying not to look like an idiot as I fluttered my eyelids the way I'd seen girls do on TV.
Newsflash!
Girls who do that are idiots.
Stupid chitchat reveals that Jacob just turned fifteen and he is "tall for my age."
Bella Swan asks if he goes to Forks often.
I sounded idiotic to myself.
And in other news...
Ice is cold and fire is hot.
I was afraid he would turn on me with disgust and accuse me of my fraud,
...
..............
*sigh*
That's right, gentlepersons.
Bella Swan is callously flirting with a guy in order to get some juicy details about the Cullens.
but he still seemed flattered.
It is because he has a crush on you and is happy that the feeling is reciprocated.
Jacob replies "Not too much." He is looking forward to fixing his car and getting his driver's license.
Bella then asks "Who was that other boy Lauren was talking to?"
I purposefully lumped myself in with the youngsters, trying to make it clear that I preferred Jacob.
"youngsters"?
I guess that confirms it.
Bella Swan is a bitter old woman trapped in a teenager's body.
Because no teenager would refer to their peers as "youngsters".
It turns out that the other guy is named Sam and he is nineteen years old.
Bella "innocently" asks Jacob what Sam meant about the Cullens.
Jacob replies that the Cullens are not supposed to go to the reservation.
He looked away, out toward James Island,
Why does it matter?
There is a 99.99% chance that James Island is never going to be mentioned again or have any significance to the plot.
as he confirmed what I'd thought I'd heard in Sam's voice.
Heaven forbid a Mary Sue is wrong.
After all, they are infallible like the Pope.
Bella asks "Why not?"
Jacob replies that he isn't supposed to talk about it.
"Oh, I won't tell anyone, I'm just curious."
….
…………..
Just like how you kept Edward's secret covert?
I tried to make my smile alluring,
As a cockroach.
wondering if I was laying it on too thick.
Well…
Bullshit doesn’t have a thin consistency.
Jacob smiles back at her and his voice is “even huskier than before.”
"Do you like scary stories?" he asked ominously.
"I love them," I enthused, making an effort to smolder at him.
….
…………………….
I know this scene is supposed to be taken seriously…
The last time I had seen writing this bad, it was from a film on the Syfy channel.
After walking for a bit, both Bella and Jacob decide to sit down.
I focused on keeping the vital interest I felt out of my eyes.
"I felt out of my eyes"?
Eyes can pop out of a person's head...
But someone can't fall out of their eyes.
I know that Stephenie Meyer is trying to say that Bella doesn't want hard not to look interested.
Yet the sentence before us is a ghastly mess that doesn't make any sense.
In conclusion...?
Aside from the word vomit...
Jacob asks Bella if she knows any stories about the Quileutes.
She "admitted" no.
"Well, there are lots of legends,
"Like The Thunderbird. Or the girl who killed the child eating ogre. But we won't be discussing those."
some of them claiming to date back to the Flood
"Instead, listen to a story written by someone who committed cultural theft."
— supposedly, the ancient Quileutes tied their canoes to the tops of the tallest trees on the mountain to survive like Noah and the ark."
The Chimakum, a small tribe which is related to the Quiluete Indians were washed away by a flood and deposited near Port Townsend.
He smiled, to show me how little stock he put in the histories.
"Because everyone knows, American Indian history is full of B.S. Instead, believe in the Book of Mormon."
Anyway, Jacob explains that it is against tribal law to kill wolves because they are "descended from wolves".
I'll elaborate on that later.
"Then there are the stories about the cold ones."
"And we are not talking about the hot ones. ' Cause they are super spooky."
Bella is no longer "faking my intrigue now."
"Yes. There are stories of the cold ones as old as the wolf legends,
It is a fake myth created by Stephenie Meyer.
and some much more recent.
"Like how a holy vehicle was slain before it could vanquish a Mary Sue. Now, let us have a moment of silence. "
Jacob explains that his great-grandfather "knew some of them" and made a treaty that kept the cold ones off their land. Jacob then rolls his eyes.
"Your great-grandfather?" I encouraged.
There is a reason why dialogue tags that are not said, replied, or whispered are terrible.
Apparently, S. Meyer never received that memo.
"He was a tribal elder, like my father.
Usually, such roles are passed down.
Nothing extraordinary about that.
see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf
Why?
I'd like a plausible explanation, por fabor.
—well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors.
Wrong, boyo.
The Quileutes believe that they were once wolves but transformed into humans by Q'watei (in English, he is called the Transformer.)
You would call them werewolves."
They are two different things.
A werewolf is a human who can transform into a wolf.
Details on how someone becomes a werewolf differs from culture to culture.
Some would say that by living an immoral life or being a witch, a person becomes a werewolf.
Some might say that being born on a certain day makes one predisposed to becoming a werewolf or being bitten by one.
And then there are those who state that wearing a magical pelt triggers the transformation.
Where as having wolf ancestors is something completely different.
"Werewolves have enemies?"
"Only one."
The answer is totally an original idea.
Whom am I fooling?
Of course it is derivative.
I stared at him earnestly, hoping to disguise my impatience as admiration.
If Kirsten Stewart is any indication, it is a blank stare or a constipated grimace .
"So you see," Jacob continued, "the cold ones are traditionally our enemies.
Werewolves hate vampires and have been fighting them for centuries?
But this pack that came to our territory during my great-grandfather's time was different.
"It was because they all wore body glitter."
They didn't hunt the way others of their kind did —
"Instead, they played the greatest hits of ABBA. Edward was belting out the lyrics."
they weren't supposed to be dangerous to the tribe.
"Supposed to"?
How does that happen?
Is Stephenie Meyer saying that vampires aren't dangerous?
Perhaps something more along the lines of "if a drunk vampire tripped, their fangs accidentally punctured a person's neck?"
So my great-grandfather made a truce with them. If they would promise to stay off our lands,
S. Meyer, stop telling us things we already know.
we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." He winked at me.
"Pale-faces"?
Really, Stephenie Meyer?
You used a term found in old western movies.
What's next?
Is Jacob going to raise his right hand and say "How"?
"If they weren't dangerous, then why… ?"I tried to understand,
He didn't said that they weren't dangerous, you twit.
He said that weren't "supposed to be dangerous."
struggling not to let him see how seriously I was considering his ghost story.
Let's be brutally honest.
Bella is fighting the urge to steal a car, track the Cullens down and demand to become a sparklepire.
"There's always a risk for humans to be around the cold ones, even if they're civilized like this clan was. You never know when they might get too hungry to resist."
...
............
You know what the sad thing is?
After hearing this information, even the most infatuated person should be hesitant.
Instead, this cause for concern will be ignored because the main character wants to be a sparklepire.
He deliberately worked a thick edge of menace into his tone.
Maybe because...
I don't know...
Prior to this shitty book, vampires were scary monsters.
"What do you mean, 'civilized'?"
"It is because they kept their elbows off the table and didn't slurp the soup."
Jacob says that the Cullens claim that they only hunt animals.
And because Bella has an IQ of a pet rock, she asks "So how does it fit in with the Cullens ? Are they like the cold ones your great grandfather met?"
"No." He paused dramatically. "They are the same ones."
He must have thought the expression on my face was fear
First of all, show don't tell.
Secondly, no.
Your expression is not fear.
More like pure glee.
inspired by his story.
The only thing that inspires you is Edward Cullen.
He smiled, pleased, and continued.
People when they smile are usually happy.
Jacob explains that there are more of them now with " a new female and a new male."
In my great-grandfather's time they already knew of the leader, Carlisle.
We already know that Jacob's great-grandfather knew the Cullen's.
Why is Jacob repeating things that the reader already knows?
"And what are they?" I finally asked. "What are the cold ones?"
He smiled darkly.
"Blood drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them vampires."
....
..................
Heaven forbid we have any type of mystery or intrigue.
Instead, everything must be spelled out in seventy-two sized font.
All this bad writing is making me want to re-read Dracula and The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Aside from being great stories, there was a mystery that the characters had to unravel alongside the reader.
I stared out at the rough surf after he answered, not sure what my face was exposing.
Perhaps a vile human being?
Anyway....
Jacob muses that the story is "Pretty crazy stuff" and how "No wonder my dad doesn't want us to talk about it to anyone."
I couldn't control my expression enough to look at him yet. "Don't worry, I won't give you away."
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......................................
You told the whole world about Edward's secret.
"I guess I just violated the treaty," he laughed.
You know what?
Violating a treaty should have a serious consequence.
But since this is Sue fiction, this won't happen.
Anyway, Bella assures Jacob again that she won't say anything. Even the Pope knows she is full of it.
Jacob also pleads with Bella not to tell Charlie. The reason for this?
People from the Quileute tribe won't go to the hospital because Carlisle works there.
Makes sense. A lot of people wouldn't feel comfortable being treated by a vampire.
When Charlie found this out, this made him "pretty mad" at Jacob's dad.
Bella promises Jacob by saying "I won't, of course not."
And for some strange reason, Bella's pants aren't spontaneously combusting.
"So do you think we're a bunch of superstitious natives or what?" he asked in a playful tone, but with a hint of worry.
If only, Jacob.
In the sequel, you join Sam Uley’s group.
According to Twilight logic, that means you joined a cult.
In order to save you, Bella will talk to you and if that doesn't doesn't work, “kidnap him if I had to. I’d once seen a PBS show on deprogramming the brainwashed.”
…
I turned and smiled at him as normally as I could.
Translation? Bella’s smile is more like a constipated grimace.
Anywho…Bella tells Jacob that he is good at telling scary stories.
He is pleased. Fifty yards away, someone was approaching.
No, it is not the Grim Reaper. Instead, it is Mike and Jessica.
Mike says hi to Bella and waves. Jacob notices that Mike is jealous and asks if he is her boyfriend.
I was surprised it was so obvious.
“All the time, men are professing their love for me! It is not easy being this beautiful!”
Bella whispers to Jacob "No, definitely not," and then winks at him.
He smiled,
Jacob doesn't know that you are stringing him along.
elated by my inept flirting.
Honey, not only are you inept at flirting…
You also fail at being a decent human being.
So Bella says when Jacob gets his license, he can come see her.
I felt guilty as I said this,
I wonder if the editor insisted on adding this statement.
Because so far, Bella has shown zero remorse for her actions.
knowing that I'd used him.
In case any Twilight fan tries to claim that Bella isn't using Jacob…
I'll remind them of this little gem.
But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.
I could see his eyes appraising Jacob, and looking satisfied at his obvious youth.
I know that Stephenie Meyer is trying to say that Mike is sizing Jacob up…
Yet the way it is written, it comes across like Mike just checked out Jacob and found him to be attractive.
"Where have you been?" he asked, though the answer was right in front of him.
Maybe it is because Mike knows that you are only chummy with sparklepires.
Bella replies that Jacob was telling her some interesting stories. She smiles at Jacob and he returns the gesture.
After an awkward pause, Mike explains that they are packing up because it looks like it's going to rain any minute.
Bella says that she is coming.
"It was nice to see you again," Jacob said, and I could tell he was taunting Mike just a bit.
If it was anymore obvious, Jacob would be talking smack and then fists would start flying.
Before Jacob and Mike can grow antlers and start butting heads, Bella tells Jacob goodbye.
She promises the next time Charlie visits Billy, she'll come too.
Jacob smiles. I feel sorry for the guy.
Jacob still thinks that the Queen of Phoenix likes him. But she only has the hots for sparkledouche.
All the teens from Forks returned to the parking lot. As people are getting inside the cars, it begins to rain.
Thankfully, Bella isn't kvetching about the weather. A miracle, I know.
Bella crawled into the backseat by Angela and Tyler. Her reason?
Bella already had her turn riding shotgun.
Lauren is talking to Tyler while Angela is looking out the window.
I could simply lay my head back on the seat and close my eyes and try very hard not to think.
Bella…
In order to think, you need to have a brain.
