it hurt. of course it hurt. lily’s words cut deep into dorcas, but like always dorcas took the hit and simply prepared for the next. she’d been called worse by people whose approval she desperately craved even more. yet something told her this was one of those memories that would haunt her on those sleepless nights when she desperately searched for a foothold of why she kept fighting. it would hit her. lily’s words. was she doing it all for some sick power trip? was this just project in her own hubris? was she just as self-centered and selfish as the rest? as her parents? fuck. she ground her teeth together and swallowed.
“no can do, babe, sorry.” dorcas shook her head. “unfortunately when you’re the bitch friend, you have to be it twenty-four, seven. no slacking off for a second. I don’t make the rules. it’s in the contract I sign, but I’m more than happy to make it about anyone else but me if you prefer. mary can come down and drool on them, reggie would be more than happy to chat their ear off, marls can get a few licks in, I bet I could even talk dirk and annie into some shenanigans. the only thing I give a shit about is that you are not going to be the one going back inside there, because obviously they’re got you worked up enough to act like this!”
“because when you’re acting like this, you’re obviously not making the wisest decisions.” her tone grating. “and maybe it’s just me looking out for myself, but either way, I don’t need your approval to make sure that you don’t do something that’s fucking stupid. here’s why.” the tone shifted. “as previously stated, I already get involved in everyone’s fucking bullshit. I’m already the fuck up! you aren’t. lily, you have a real chance of being head girl, and you deserve to be it. trifling idiots spurring your temper into making an impulsive decision shouldn’t take that from you, and it won’t if I can help it, and I can help it. like it or not, your problems are my problems. I’m on your fucking team especially when you’re acting like a real shit head. so do you want to keep using me like a punching bag, because that’s fine. we can do that all night. or do you want to tell me what the fuck is going on? cause I’m not going anywhere.”
she knows dorcas is probably talking sense, probably trying ( and succeeding ) in being a good friend, but everything is just NOISE. dorcas doesn’t deserve this. doesn’t deserve all of lily’s pent up anger and frustration and the secrets that have been building up in her throat for years. they want to come out, she wants to LET them out, wants someone to hold her and tell her it’s okay she’s okay and she’s worthy and loved and safe. things dorcas can say but not really give her. not when lily has been second place in comparison for the past six years.
“ he told mordred’s parents and spoiled everything and he’s so fucking PLEASED about it.” she breathes, jaw clenched. “ and it’s just not. and he’s just. and i...he...” palm pressing into her eyes so hard she sees stars, “ it didn’t matter when it was just about me being a mudblood. that bubble burst when i was eleven and it doesn’t even mean anything to me anymore but i’m just.” a breath, “ i don’t understand why i’m just...” never anyone’s first choice, never enough for anyone, never enough for people to want to stay, to choose her.