There are times when you just feel empty.
There are times when you just feel empty, when you are so lost. Lost in your own thoughts. When you don't understand what to do. When your insecurities starts eating you up internally. Making you unreliable and uncertain. When you feel weight on your chest crushing your hopes and dreams. When it's hard to breath. When you have no motivation left to keep going. When you don’t know what you're moving towards. When nobody knows how your mind aches every day, that how you have given up your hopes and dreams or that you wish Allahﷻ would take your life quickly and subtly. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel like this. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel dead inside.
When you experience such life-changing events that you aren't ready to face may lead to this kinda situation. The lost of your loved ones could be one of that reason. Who would have thought that, it could do a lot to a person. The person doesn't remain himself anymore after loosing somebody he loved more than himself. Words can't describe it. Because they haven't invented the precise words for it. Then, you just lost control over yourself, your thoughts. You surround yourself with so many thoughts and then forget how to feel. You just constantly lie about how you feel. And you must keep up appearances. You have to maintain relationships, or else the loneliness will only get worse. You don’t want to unload the hurt you feel onto others. So, you just fake a smile and try to converse with family and friends. I know it's tiring, but you have to do it. It's a part of your living now. You don’t want to be a burden and don’t want others to pity you. You know that your pain is not physical to others, but your pain is real. You feel it everyday. It's lurking beneath your emotions. You're so tired, yet no amount of sleep nourishes you. No amount of crying lighten your heart. What to do now? It's so damn hard to understand that these times won't last forever. Because you lost your capability of rational thinking, when you suffer. It's been a long time and you are still going through it all. Surviving somehow. And it usually happens at the end of the day. When you have spent your day well. But still, when you lay down to sleep in your bed at night, you find that you can’t get to sleep because that empty void comes back again. You feel like, you have got no energy or enjoyment left for life, and no one cares what you feel or how you feel. The two or three people that know cannot empathize. They only offer support when you reach out to them, but you don’t want to be a burden. At times when you need them, you be like can’t they reach out to me? Can’t they tell you, when you say, “Alhamdulillah (all praise be to Allah), I’m alright,” that I’m not alright? This voidness also stop us from approaching for help. It says: you don't want to be a burden to them. They already got their problems, then why should i disturb them. Why should i bother them? Although, so desperately you want someone to save you, yet you know only you can save yourself from this by the will of Allahﷻ. However, people don't understand that we can make bad decisions, say things we wish hadn’t and do things we never would. And the regret kills us from within. We become miserable, and don’t know how to tell this to anyone. We make mistakes, making us aware of what needs to be changed in order to improve. But they don't understand. Can’t they put themselves in our shoes?
It is a battle against yourself (nafs) that only the strongest of will win. I know it's gonna take every ounce of my being to kill this silent lurking monster, voidness. It's necessary to fight against it. If you won't tackle it, it will only gonna worsen the situation. Now, what you need to do is, you should allow positivity to enter your life. Reconnect with yourself with the rememberance of Allahﷻ. Detach yourself from negative energies and make sure that you use your time wisely. Ask Allahﷻ to heal you as he's Al-Jabbar: The One who repairs, reforms and completes. He'll repair you and complete you. Ask Him to forgive you for feeling how you feel. Tell Him how hurt you are. Ask Allahﷻ alone for help as he's An-Naseer: The Helper, the One who supports and defends. I know you can’t ask Him to take your life, so ask Him : “ Grant me life as long as it is good for me, and grant me death when it is better for me.” And finally, always remember even when people disappoint you, Allahﷻ will never. Heﷻ is always there and He will always be there for you. If He has kept you breathing, He has a purpose for you, insha`Allah! "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal-Wakil" : Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs.
“…And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from an unexpected source. And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.” [Qur’an, At-Talaq | 65:2-3]
May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى) cure us all of our illnesses, our distresses, our pains and grant us the best of healing. May Allah ﷻ replace our anxieties, our worries, our fears, our depression and our problems with peace, contentment and barakah, Allahumma ameen! May Allahﷻ protect us all from the Hellfire and forgive me and you for our sins. May heﷻ have mercy upon us all and grant us patience, peace and strong faith!
Ameen ya rabbul alameen.🌼🍃
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