Can you have depression, but not know?
Can you have sadness so deep inside, that you think you’re fine, you think you’re happy - until you’re lying in bed at 2 in the morning crying and you don’t know why? When tears come when they shouldn’t, like there’s a terrible thing you’ve forgotten or pushed down inside and you don’t know why but you stay awake because you know you don’t want to wake up the next day?
How can I think I’m okay, and to think I’m fairly happy, when I can so suddenly be struck down by unhappiness so great that I don’t want to live? Can you be so good at pushing that hurt down that you fool yourself too, as long as you’re busy?
Because people ask how I am and I tell them I’m fine, I’m making the best of my situation, that I’m happy. And I’m telling the truth but I feel like I’m lying. It’s like I genuinely don’t know how I feel - I go from thinking I’m happy and fine to feeling like I’m breaking.
Am I just lying to myself? Am I really depressed and hurting and that’s the truth that I’m just trying to be brave and push down, or am I actually happy when I’m happy?
I don’t have the answers. Do you?
