Lucius bring the fire whisky and let's celebrate🥃

Dark romance and domestic chaos: two things the Malfoys do exceptionally well. AO3 - madaboutmad https://archiveofourown.org/works/72767641/chapters/213432136

[chaoticlucissa]

Draco: Are we… the bad guys?

Narcissa: We are the careful ones.

Lucius: The ones still standing.

[chaoticlucissa]

Narcissa: How bad is it?

Lucius: Define “bad."

Narcissa: Will we survive?

Lucius: Almost certainly.

[chaoticlucissa]

Malfoys at therapy... 5/5

Therapist: Do you two ever argue?

Lucius: We don’t argue.

Narcissa: We strategically disagree.

Lucius: And I usually lose.

[chaoticlucissa]

Malfoys at therapy... 4/5

Therapist: Healthy couples compromise.

Lucius: We do compromise.

Narcissa: Yes.

Lucius: I suggest something.

Narcissa: And then we do my idea.

[chaoticlucissa]

Malfoys at therapy... 3/5

Therapist: Communication is important in a marriage.

Narcissa: We communicate perfectly well.

Lucius: She looks at me and I know I’m in trouble.

Narcissa: And yet you keep doing the same things.

[chaoticlucissa]

Malfoys at therapy... 2/5

Therapist: Lucius, Narcissa says you avoid talking about your feelings.

Lucius: That’s ridiculous. I have many feelings.

Therapist: Such as?

Lucius: Disappointment. Contempt. Mild irritation.

[chaoticlucissa]

Malfoys at therapy... 1/5

Therapist: Draco, how would you describe your family dynamic?

Draco: Imagine three cats trapped in a room but all of them are aristocrats and one occasionally joins dark cults.

[chaoticlucissa]

Narcissa: Lucius, did you poison the guests again?

Lucius: It’s not poisoning.

Narcissa: What is it then?

Lucius: Selective hospitality.

[chaoticlucissa]

Narcissa: Lucius, someone stole my diamonds.

Lucius: Impossible.

Narcissa: Why?

Lucius: Because I stole them first to surprise you later.

[chaoticlucissa]

Narcissa: Lucius, why is there a peacock in the dining room?

Lucius: Because you said the house needed more life.

Narcissa: I meant flowers.

Lucius: Flowers don’t scream when guests arrive.

[chaoticlucissa]

Malfoys host a dinner party...

Narcissa: Remember, subtle intimidation only.

Lucius: Understood.

Guest: What a lovely chandelier—

Lucius: It’s cursed.

Narcissa: Lucius...

[chaoticlucissa]

Therapist: On a scale of 1–10, how committed are you to this marriage?

Lucius: Eleven.

Narcissa: Twelve.

Therapist: That’s… positive?

Lucius: If she leaves me, I will follow her.

Narcissa: If he leaves me, I will summon him.

[chaoticlucissa]

Narcissa: We cannot keep buying cursed artifacts.

Lucius: They were on sale.

Narcissa: That is worse.

[chaoticlucissa]

Lucius: I shall leave this house and never return!

Narcissa: You live here.

Lucius: I will make a second, more threatening exit.

Narcissa: Take a cloak this time. It’s raining.

[chaoticlucissa]

Lucius: People fear us.

Narcissa: Good.

Lucius: They also think we’re dramatic.

Narcissa: Also good.

[chaoticlucissa]

Lucius: I would burn the world for you.

Narcissa: You can start with the Ministry.

Lucius: Already tried. It was poorly received.

[chaoticlucissa]

Bellatrix: Fuck. Narcissa: We've got to work on your cursing. Bellatrix: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.