Ryan

23. Sydney. Musician

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Claude Debussy having a miserable time with his wife.

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Something i made sounded kinda nice for all my millions of tumblr fans

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History repeats itself. I thought things could have been different. But more than anything, I just hoped you wouldn’t completely disappear again. But you have, despite promising not to.

After all the years and all the regrets you had, the same thing just happens again.

Maybe it’s an unrealistic idea that someone will always be there, even if it’s just friends. Or maybe I’m just not as far gone as I thought I was if I value that. Either way, it doesn’t reflect anything on me. I know that to be true.

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Shorter hair is easier when meds keep making it fall out. Can’t complain.

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y so gay

i cant help it

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So, went up to 800mg of epilim after a mixed manic episode - or hypomanic; I'm fortunate enough not to experience psychotic features. Kind of sucks but I do know people on 2000 mg of it. It's a strange medication; you don't feel it working, but it definitely does and dampens my symptoms. But it also seems to dampen everything else, and not in the way people usually describe antidepressants. Some guy, on some blog, somewhere, that I remember reading said; "Epilim makes you old - fast." I still think that's the best way to describe it. Mixed hypomania is weird. Whether I get it from some form of bipolar, or bipolar tendencies, I don't know. It can best be described as everything and its opposite, being felt simultaneously. It sounds impossible and illogical and that's exactly how it feels when it's happening. You're angry, irritable, happy, sad, despairing and laughing. Your mind races so fast, you can't latch onto any one thought and your tongue can't keep up with your brain. Trying to sit still is like trying not to blink. Then the overconfidence comes, thinking you can and should play the stock market. Combined with everything above, you look insane. It's passed now with the epilim increase. But also with that, I'm always tired. Just really tired. Just thought I'd share, in case anyone was curious as to what it feels like exactly. But I think I have like less than five followers lol so I don't really know why I wrote this. Probably just to vent. I hate epilim but I hate even more not knowing if in five minutes I'm going to be laughing at a fly on the wall, or if I'll want to be taking a straight razor to my face.

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Sort of a special piece to me. I wrote it during the quiet after the storm which was a very sudden onset of severe mental health issues and hospitalization last year. I was nowhere near ‘better’, in fact many times I went back to square one and was rehospitalized. I was doing nothing at the time and the thought of surviving another day felt as impossible as an ant scaling Mount Everest, but I did.

I called it Plateau because things werent getting any worse or better. Just still. But compared to my lowest point, it was a blissful state.

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I wrote this piece a while ago, and somehow managed to finish it during a very bad mental episode.

Largely inspired by Jeremy Soule (The Elder Scrolls titles), I called it equivocal because the strings have a very ambigious sound, in regards to what they are literally playing. I love Soule’s work for this reason, it creates a very atmospheric feeling and enhances any landscape type of scene.

It’s purpose is for a show-reel/portfolio, which has been in creation for quite some time that I can add to.. If i ever end up writing for media or videogames hehe.

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String quartet I composed. Heavily influenced by Ravel and Debussy. I love the expressability of impressionist music, along with the unorthodox techniques and harmonies.

The piece is largely, as written, in C lydian. But there are lots of modal changes in general.

My attempt with this was to keep a motif throughout the piece that is constantly referred to, but with plenty of memorable rhythm changes.

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Short piece I wrote after rewatching a student film of the same name. Sisyphus was a King of (modern day) Corinth in Greek mythology. For deceitfulness and trickery, he was condemned by Zeus to carry a boulder up a mountain only for it to fall back down to the bottom and then having to repeat the process over and over for all eternity.

There was some sort of sickening irony in his punishment that was reserved particularly for him; that being someone so intelligent was made to repeat a seemingly mundane and simple task forever, with no resolution.

Musically, I tried to make the piece cyclic and repetitive, to interpret the story somewhat literally. A seemingly melodic progression that starts off low and horrible sounding, hopeful and rising (like Sisyphus and the boulder), seeming to resolve but only to repeat the first chord again with no real resolution, because for Sisyphus there was no resolution.

There’s also some diminished chordal work whilst the melody keeps repeating, totally out of key in respect to one and other to symbolize the seemingly insane task set before him. The coda is then just like the main section of the piece with harmony in thirds, giving an almost pleasant sound along with an attitude of acceptance. It’s not like he has a choice anyway.

I’ll try to find and link the film if I can figure out how to tumblr properly.

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Something I wrote that a lot of people liked, not sure why.

I was rushing for my bachelor’s recital for which I needed around an hours worth of music. A running theme throughout three of the pieces I wrote was combining electronic music with an orchestra, although not in a minimilastic way. I enjoy complexities in music a lot. This is the third and final movement of my electronic orchestral ‘suite’

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Ayy lmao

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Ayyee

So, I had an old tumblr and deleted it years ago but I kinda missed the aesthetic of it, along with the ability to do pretty much whatever with it.

Anyway.. name’s Ryan and i’ve lived in Sydney, Australia like.. my entire life. Studied music after drearily inching my way through high school and now.. I’m playing guitar and doing some gigs here and there around town and writing a lot of orchestral and electronic based music that I upload to SoundCloud. I’ll share some stuff here.. maybe someone will see it and maybe like it lol.

As for personal stuff.. Well, I pretty much had the worst year of my life last year in terms of mental health, ending up with a bipolar and panic disorder diagnosis and lots and lots of medication. Been slowly getting better but it’s like climbing a mountain some days, so many ups and downs, one step forward and two backwards, etc.. but getting through it all with a 100% success rate so far.

On a more positive note, I’ve been a history buff and passionate about it my whole life, along with the arts in general. Been thinking of studying history at uni this year.. See how the old brain is doing then. Heavily into modern history and politics in general, although i’m not really a wanker or outspoken.. only occassionally haha. But nah, I like to discuss things back and forth and hear other people’s opinions, can always learn from everyone.

Anyway, I’ll end this post now, because I have no followers.. It’s kind of like talking to myself.