Hello! I feel like coming across this blog, you would be the best to answer this. I am a victim of a violent rape and childhood sexual abuse. My experiences were traumatic and in no way enjoyable; but my boyfriend seems to enjoy the kink. I guess my question is, how can someone who actually experienced this violence get into this? And is it irrational to think my boyfriend may actually, or is capable of, raping me? I hope this question isn't too forward. I'm just very inexperienced in the kink.
The reality and the fantasy are certainly worlds apart. It’s not irrational per se to think your boyfriend capable of actually raping you, depending on why you feel that way. Even if it is irrational, it’s certainly understandable. After being raped, your ability to trust others and your sense of personal safety can be seriously affected. That is your defense mechanism, whether effective or overreactive, to the trauma.
How can someone who has experienced rape get involved in fantasy rape play? Very carefully. I have answered questions on this in the past, which can be found under the #reality check tag. It is possible for rape survivors to engage in and enjoy rape play. It can be therapeutic for some - it allows them to reframe the concept and gives them control and consent. But there is also the capacity to do more damage.
It takes, in my opinion, a great deal of communication, compassion, connection, patience, and maturity to safely negotiate and navigate rape play with a survivor and ensure to the best extent possible that no damage will be done. I don’t personally believe it wise to engage in it if the trauma is still active - which to me is if there are still effects from the trauma that regularly cause interference with simple and everyday tasks. Your mental and emotional health and stability are first priority, and if the wound is still wide open, it’s best to tend to it first.
And when you do decide you’re ready to try it, move slowly. Take it in very small steps and build up. Communicate even to the point of excess - before, during, and after. Negotiate detailed specifics beforehand, leave nothing to chance. Expect that scenes will stop abruptly, expect that you will make progress and then slide back unexpectedly, expect that your partner may not know or understand how to help you through it right away - and understand that these things are okay. It’s all part of the process.
