anyways... i've talked to everyone i had anything to say to. it's truly been real. this is my last post here and i'll be following people from my new blog and hopefully i'll be less stressed there
or rather, why did bee delete? this wasn’t a group effort or anything. i’ve been thinking about getting rid of this blog for a while. it was a blog that i started three years ago with vengeful expectations. upon realizing that i was hurting people i didn’t want to hurt, i attempted to transform what burnbooking was. as i got older i realized i didn’t want to be the face of hatred. but you can’t really bury history. although i feel that most of the time i and my friends spent on burnbooking ended up being positive, i couldn’t ignore what pain i’d initially caused. i’ve been so stubborn, not wanting to delete, arguing in my mind “well i did more good than harm”. but both were immortalized on that blog. people who had hurtful burns submitted about them could go back and obsessively view negative things said about them, just as i could go back and read long, ranting social justice posts that i felt had somehow positively contributed to the community. we encouraged positivity as much as we encouraged negativity. in the end those two things don’t cancel each other out. they just coexist.
my largest hesitation, however, was probably the amount of receipts i’d gathered. three years worth of receipts on people i didn’t know, people i knew, myself, my friends, and people i ended up befriending. i guess i figured, in the end, i didn’t really need them. i’m not as involved in the community as i used to be. i don’t care anymore. i’m not an arbitrator. things will settle themselves.
part of this deletion is selfish, i admit. i’m trying to erase the hatred i’ve carried with me for so long and that was a large symbol of it. when i started in the rpc i was a minor who needed an outlet for her own anger. burnbooking became that. as i got older i didn’t want that anymore. there’s a lot of deeper subjects i could get into regarding how i fought with both loving and hating burnbooking, feeling as though i needed it. that i actually began to rely on it. but i don’t need it anymore. i don’t want it. i don’t want other people to need it.
so i’m sorry to any and all that were negatively impacted or felt threatened by the burnbook. i’m sorry for all undue anxiety and sadness caused to those who didn’t deserve it. you’re all welcome to scream at me, bash me, tell me how upset i’ve made you or your friends. please, tell me what i can do to help you if you need it. i owe that much to the community.
what’s next?
while i’m not looking for redemption, i am doing my best to turn over a new leaf. i’m hoping to start a new blog that become a safe space for all. an anti burnbook of sorts. a place that doesn’t harbor negativity, but welcomes it to be destroyed, favoring the expulsion of anger and the spread of positivity and a sense of welcomeness in the community. while i know some of you will think “hey that’s ironic coming from a bitch like you”, i promise you that as i continue to grow, i’m more driven by my love for people rather than my anger towards them. i want to build bridges, make amends, find common ground with those who may dislike me or my friends. i want to create an unbiased space for the rpc to anonymously congregate and feel safe. i hope you’ll all help when the time comes.
i do believe that’s all i have to say right now and maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn’t? i don’t know, my head is spinning. i’m so relieved it’s over. i hope others are as well.
anyways i'm obviously not on this blog right now. i got too much life going on i barely have time to sleep tbh but if i come back i'll probably move to a more private blog. hope everyone is enjoying their whatever season you're in and stuff 💙
hey y'all, sorry for the big ugly mobile post — sorry i haven't been around. i have a lot of Life Stuff going on, two members of my family are having babies, i'm gearing up for samhain, i have concerts and dinners and vacations to plan and for all of that to happen i have to work ALL the time. so, basically life is really good but i miss writing. i hope to be back eventually. i hope everyone is doing well and i love you so so so so much 💙
FAVORITE COMIC CHARACTER MEME: 2 COLORS — [ ½] BLUE
“But I’ve felt the fear they feel, and the pain. The pain of that lost innocence. And once you’ve lost that, it’s so much easier for them to just take everything else, too.”
this is an open apology to talia (gothamcartel) as well as everyone on my dashboard and anyone who may have found themselves involved with what happened monday night.
you may choose to use the read more or click here for easier reading.
monday night i held what i jokingly deemed a "salt session" on my blog, asking the question "send me one blog that annoys you". my intentions had been to find out about any problematic blogs that i may not know about. my intention was to help the community, however, in the end the entire idea became self-serving. i hurt a community and a great deal of people who trusted me and i'm sorry. now, in order to get people to answer the question i began posting just about whatever came into my inbox whether it was about mutuals or not. i was selfish in that i showed no regard for others' feelings, thinking that if it wasn't too harsh others would remain indifferent. it's my fault for not understanding that everyone doesn't feel the same. i know this about myself and yet i tend to forget it.
to talia, i want you to know that there was no malicious intent (on my end) behind the asks of you that i posted. my experiences with you lead me to believe that you were the type of person to brush things off. that dumb accusations of you being a bully wouldn't bother you. that you didn't care if i disagreed with you or not. i never knew that i'd hurt you deeply. i guess i, in a way, viewed you as somewhat like myself at sixteen. the kind of person who didn't care who did and who didn't like them or other people's opinions and i'm sorry. regardless of knowing whether or not you had any ill feelings toward me i should have been more sensitive. i've never wanted to be the person who reminds someone of their past trauma because i know how difficult it can be to shake. how painful it is when something you've repressed is brought up again. i've never had any negative feelings toward you as a person. i understand that actions i viewed as negative didn't make you a bad person, but i didn't take the time to see it the other way around. i didn't consider that maybe you were sensitive despite your being bold. i viewed you as bold and only that. i apologize for being yet another antagonizer. with your response to me i didn't see you as hurt, i saw you as angry with me and only that. i didn't understand your anger, and i don't believe i had the chance to. everything happened so quickly i didn’t even try to. i didn't have a chance to step back and take anything into consideration until i walked away from the situation to meditate on my own behavior and wrongdoing.
i'm going to break down now what i'd said, because maybe by this point you don't believe i'm actually sorry. this next apology is for you and only you. not to save face, not to gain back anyone's trust. i've made sure it's too late for that. i just want you to see that i genuinely had no intent to hurt you, despite my being blinded to any cause and effect.
when those anons wrote to me, i only saw them as frustrated. i saw them as people who didn't agree with your actions, not people who hated you. i projected my feelings onto them. what you didn't see were the handful of absolutely disgusting messages directed at so many members of the roleplay community, including friends both yours and mine, that i refused to post because they were nothing but hateful. it made the messages i posted seem mild. and in my mind i didn't go "these are all negative" i just went "this is a group of people with frustrations and this is a group of people filled with hate". knowing myself, i tend to view frustrations as complaints that can be worked through. i realize now that complaints with others shouldn't be handled by me but by who the complaints are with. i'm sorry that you ended up being caught in the crossfire of that.
as for the genderbend anon. i deleted a couple that were doing nothing other than trying to come for you, because my intention was not to destroy your reputation. the anon i encouraged to tell me more didn't seem to have any actual evidence. i wanted to challenge that, no matter the outcome. i didn’t, not for a second, think about how you would react to that. i apologize. in the end, they didn't have any. i made it clear to them that i wasn't doing this to just smear your name. that wasn't my intention. it was never my intention. however, i can see that if you believed i felt negatively toward you that i was trying to. i didn't then and i don't now. those asks have since been taken down. if you had asked me to take yours down immediately, i would have. but this is now, and i'm realizing they should have never been posted in the first place.
i'm going to zero back around to my initial response. i responded how i believed i should respond when someone is angry. to make them realize that i wasn't angry with them because, in my experience, anger is how people respond to people being angry. i believed you were angry at me and i took offense to that because i hadn't been angry with you. when you came for my physical appearance, that to me seemed like petty anger, not emotional hurt. from my viewpoint you were displaying feelings of malice that i felt were unfounded. that i figured you'd harbored for some unknown reason since you'd never disclosed to me before that you didn't like me or had a problem with me. i felt as though i was saying things i'd said before and was being met with unwarranted hostility and reacted in kind. i'm not blaming you. i want it to be understood that i haven't held on to any resentment and that my response was not because of that. i want it to be abundantly clear to you that what happened, i viewed as objective. isolated incidents. i didn't consider cause and effect. (obviously.)
lastly, for you, i'm going to touch on the subject of the hateful anons. it was implied that i sent them or asked my friends to send them. i have never, in my entire time on tumblr, sent a hateful anon. i've never sent an anon that could even border on dislike. as someone who by both of her own parents been told to kill herself, to "just die" i would never, ever wish that kind of pain on somebody else. as someone who has been suicidal since i was fifteen, i would never want someone to feel as though they would be better off dead. with my entire heart i apologize for being the person who made other people believe that it was acceptable to send you these types of messages. i don't condone that in any form and especially not directed at a young person. i've been committed to psychiatric wards, i've listened to people your age speak on their trauma and their hurt and although i was the same age it absolutely killed me inside and i still feel that pain to this day. i responded improperly because i was destroyed to my core that i would be accused of wanting someone to kill themselves. that's such a deeply evil thought, and it hurt me that someone would believe that i was that despicable because of something that i viewed as harmless. and i understand why people could view me as heartless or unempathetic. i know my history. you know my history. i figured to you that would be enough to know that i don't do these things with any sort of hurtful intention. but now, thinking about it, i also understand why you would think that it does.
i know that i didn't send those anonymous messages. for as many people who will say that i did, i absolutely did not. i could not. i know my friends didn't. the people i value on this website are people with hearts kinder than mine, that have helped me see where i went wrong. that have told me where my faults are. i know for a fact that the people i hold closest to my heart are people who would never do something that vile. i'm offended FOR them. that someone would take it into their own hands to say that i would encourage or support that. i can't stress enough through words how much that hurts my heart. and it hurts because i know if being accused of that hurts me, it can only hurt you more having to receive them. for that i can't apologize enough. if i can make it right or fix any hurt, or if you want to talk, please let me know. i've unblocked you.
to talia's friends. i'm sorry this disrupted your night. i'm sorry i put your friend in pain. but i'm glad you were there for her. i'm glad she has a support system. i saw some unfounded claims made against me. that i don't think you all care for talia. i know you do. it's obvious. it was implied that i hate black people. i am a black person. i support black voices. i support black people being angered even when i don't personally agree with it. it was implied that i sent or directly encouraged those hateful anons. i know that none of you know me well. but i didn't. i'm mean and selfish at times but i'm not that hateful. and i know that these words are just words and you can choose to ignore them but i hope that you don't. i was careless and i know that. a situation that i intended to only entertain for a few hours got out of hand and here we are days later. i know now that in your minds i will be branded as someone who tried to push your friend into suicide, but hopefully one day i won't be that because that's not who i am and that's not what i wanted. it will never be something that i want. the only thing i ask of you is if you read this apology and you don't care for it, don't vague about it. come talk to me directly. tell me what you don't appreciate. you don't owe that to me, but as someone who is making an effort to learn i would consider it a kindness. and i apologize for that emotional labor in advance. i'm also asking for the selfish reason that other people be given the chance to make up their minds about what i've said before having to hear anything negative about it. however, if they’re displeased after that then so be it.
finally, to anyone on the dash who saw, i'm sorry. i'm sorry you had to see me act ugly and i'm sorry for any hurt i may have caused. i'm sorry if i brought up any trauma or bad feelings for you. because of this i'm going to take more time and think deeply about my actions. i have to. as someone who doesn't naturally understand the wide effect my actions can cause, i have to learn and i'm sorry that people have been hurt during this. but i HAVE learned and i've grown. i need to be less reckless and think more critically. i can't allow my impulses to manifest into these negative rituals that bring pain to other people. i want everyone to know that i've been thinking about this apology for the past twenty-four hours and that it's genuine. i'm sorry for the carelessness i've shown to my audience. i'm sorry for the example i set to my followers. i'm sorry that people took this as permission to be hateful. i know i understand the difference between a little drama and outright hate but i didn't consider that other people don't. or that anyone would take it too far. and i'm sorry and now i know and i understand and i can't apologize enough.
to anyone who would like to speak to me you can reach me through discord at catbird#8401 or instant message me on tumblr. i am going to unblock everyone i've blocked so that i am open to the public. i will only be answering inbox messages off of anonymous to ensure that this apology stays as the first post on my page but feel free to vent to me about my own behavior anonymously. if there is anything i can do to help, let me know. if there is anything any of you are not getting that i can give then please let me know. i’m going to be taking a break for the next few days to allow everyone space and time. if you come to me, i promise to be respectful and considerate and i may have to ask questions but i'm doing so with the best of intent. i'm sorry once again and thank you for reading this.
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