I'm America's Next Top Model. I never perspire. My strength outweigh my weaknesses. I'm always caller number nine and win tickets to all the best shows. I make extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven. I'm steller hugger and a world-class cuddler.
... i kind of feel like quinn right now... about how he always says that he doesn’t understand why i’m kind to him, despite everything. i don’t know why you’re saying things like that to me... as much as i appreciate it, i... i don’t think i deserve things like that. i’m sorry that sounds... like i’m fishing for comfort. i don’t know what else to say.Â
at the base of it all, i think i hate myself more than anything. even though i bring out my anger on others... i tried to tell myself that it was their fault for not liking me, but... that’s not the truth. it’s just me.
...
i think i’m okay with dying as i am right now. i’m miserable, but... that’s just how some people die. even if you think i deserve more than to die like that, i... don’t agree. i didn’t make too much of an impact, anyway. there’s no reason for god to give me peace before death. that’s... definitely meant for people like you, i think.
... i hate talking about this. i’m really sorry for bringing it up in the first place. about... my self hatred. it’s just annoying to listen to, i think...
... um, thank you for telling me those things about mauli. it makes me feel happy, but also really upset for some reason...? mostly happy. but i also... want to start crying again.
talking about this stuff made me more clear on some things, but... um.Â
please don’t blame yourself if i show up dead...
...
i’m really tired. i wanna sleep for a long time. i’ll... see you later, maybe.
i don’t want to speak out of line. but, i think i know how you feel.
no, i definitely know how you feel.
so, please don’t.
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hehe... i really didn’t expect you to care too much! otherwise i wouldn’t have said anything at all, y’know.
but, um... let me ask you a question!
is it better to live for yourself or for other people?
my life worth... i’m not basing it off of just quinn. it’s everything. i’m taking everything into account! and... when you look at it from far away enough, you see how horrible it is! how badly it smells! how much you want to just look away and move on from it! that’s what i wanna do. even if i had a few accomplishments, am i happy with them? of course not. i would never be happy of some of the things i’ve “accomplished”! especially when i had nobody to consider a friend-- something past the superficial katsuo and into something more REAL, something like the ACTUAL katsuo!Â
and... for a while, i had one, y’know?Â
and then i lost him...
...
so i got another one, y’see?
but i messed up really badly...
and all he wants from me is to make me go away so that i can be “happier”...
i got that original one back, though. but... he barely even knows me, when you think about it. i love him, but... hehe, it’s hard to explain. like when you buy something because it’s on sale, even if you don’t like it. does that make sense? he had coupons and everything! but i’ll just sit here until he eventually has to throw me out, forgetting why he got me in the first place...!
a-and the other one, the one who just wants me to go away... he’s really nice, but he’s hurting a lot. and i’m not... i-i don’t know how to help him. and it’s selfish of me to look at him and to say loud and clear that i’ll take all of his support... and i won’t be able to give anything back. i won’t be able to give him anything back but more weight.
... that’s horrible, right? you would hate that too.
[ katsuo stares at the ground for a few moments, not sure of what to say next. after contemplating, he looks back up to tsuki, tears finally dripping from his eyes. ]
hehe... even if some people care about me, i’m easy to get over. i’m nothing... i’m n-nothing special, so...Â
...
b-but even then... i don’t want to die, tsuki.
i just want... somebody to love me, tsuki.
i’m so scared... i’m so scared that nobody will ever love me. and i-i don’t want to live with that fear anymore. a-and i don’t know what else to do. the kind of person i am... my parents said that nobody would ever love me.
and they... they were right, tsuki.
so i tried really, really hard to make up a new personality. one that people might like... and even then... e-even then, i still couldn’t do it. nobody would look at me... unless they just saw me as a bicycle... f-for a while, that was enough, y’know? ... b-but i’m really tired now. i’m exhausted. and i don’t want to... i don’t want to start over.Â
i just wanna die, so...
...
so, let me revise my question.
if somebody was on life support... and the doctors said you might not be able to pay the bill... and they’re already almost gone anyway...
b-but there’s... a small, tiny chance that they might live... minuscule.Â
@caloraesta no no! i totally made him cry, did you see that? hehe... that makes things a LOT easier, y'know? less regrets!! ah... i'm seriously exhausted, though! i don't wanna talk right now!
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