cheska

a personal blog to archive my daily milestonesgrowing always

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another milestone

i love how this tumblr has been my personal archive for years. full of good, bad, pretty, ugly, everything in between. 

i broke up with jeshua a couple weeks ago. what a strange, new feeling that was for me. i knew i needed to be single. and i realized that there were other things in my life that sparked more joy than being in a relationship. i chose to cut things off with him because i recognized that we both deserved better than for me to not feel fully invested in our journey as a couple. does that make me a grown up!!! i think that makes me a grown up. 

i’ve probably told like, all the closest people to me this already but, i realized that i started a relationship with jesh as soon as i did because michael dumping me left me in a place where i was incapable of being alone. i needed a companion. from falling asleep on facetime with someone almost every night, to nothing... it gave me withdrawals. then being with jesh, he gave me so much room to grow and be independent. i learned so much about myself while being with him. i slowly learned that i would be okay in the event of a break up. i love myself enough to be alone and enjoy it. 

jesh essentially weaned me off the need to be in a relationship to feel whole. 

now here i am, single. and still whole. i haven’t been this way since i was 17. this is very, very exciting for me. my goal is to stay single until i graduate next year. wish me luck hahahaha

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2.18.20. i’ve been closing my workout rings everyday of february & decided to treat myself to taco bell last night. that beefy 5 layer burrito ran a fucking train on me and i had to throw out the rest of the nacho fries box because my body couldn’t handle it. even though it was painful it was weirdly a proud moment for me, haha. as if one of the longest lasting influences michael had on me is now no longer. what a weird revelation to have on a wednesday night. anyways i’m still glued to the toilet.

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2.17.20. tequila & making up words at 9pm.

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writing letters makes me feel like jane eyre.

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from our first snow

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i’m living!!! thank you january.

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things i did besides study this semester.

i made friends. signed a lease. bought plane tickets. got hot pink rain boots. splurged on a pretty red purse. listened to a lot of music. started a skincare regime. had sex. learned how to macrame. cooked. read a couple books. painted. binge watched. made a couple plant cuttings. drank a lot. i like beer now :) i feel like a young woman.

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laundry cat make me happy :)

[coconutscentedshawty]

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this song reminds me that i’m still healing. i always want to scream along when sza sings, “this time next year, i’ll be feeling so good won’t remember no pain, i swear.”

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9.9.20. welcome to the family moo moo tanglao 🐄

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9.3.20. i should probably post something about today because my day was pretty eventful. i had virtual orientation today, which in itself was boring, but the class groupchat made the experience fun! we were all making jokes & bonding over how boring the whole program was. my classmates all seem super cool & easy to get along with! i can’t wait to meet them in person. living in new york is going to be craaazy fun & memorable. notable highlight of today was creating a fancam of our department chair haha. i also tutored addison today who is the sweetest 3rd grader alive and no one can convince me otherwise. i also started a mini book club with jeshua’s mom today. it’s just the two of us reading “know my name” by chanel miller. i binged her interviews today after watching her short film (which was presented in my orientation) and was so inspired by her... i had to follow her on instagram. then i noticed that mama cloud followed her too! so i messaged her about it and we both decided to read her book together. life is so good right now.

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think more about what brings you joy and less about what soothes your fear

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8.16.20. i had a great day with jeshua. but an hour before i left his place i started feeling sad, thinking about how these happy moments could give me so much grief if ever we broke up. i told him about how i was feeling immediately, and he comforted me. i love being with someone i can communicate my feelings to so openly with. and he always answers so realistically with me. i don’t feel like i’m receiving an empty promise from him. instead of “i’ll never grow tired of you” it’s, “if i ever did, i’d talk to you about it and give it my all to work through it with you”. i trust him. i thought i trusted michael, but some of my actions during the relationship indicated that i didn’t. now i know what it really feels like to be secure in a relationship. sometimes i feel sorry for things i did when i was with michael. i feel sorry for not trusting him more and for letting my insecurity get the best of me. but i need to forgive myself. i’ve grown, and that’s what matters. and michael is with a new person now and i hope that he is with her because he knows that he should be with someone who trusts him more than i did. being secure is such a great feeling, and i hope that he gets to feel that too. but above all, i’m so happy for myself. i deserve this!!!!

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spent the last two weeks with my favorite people in the entire fuckiNG PLANET. it blows my mind just how strong of a relationship i have with these two. and how fucking great our friendship is. i have it all with them. from making stupid tik toks together and painting memes to having mock therapy sessions at 2 am. i can rely on these two for anything and i know it's going to stay that way forever. not many people have the privilege of saying that. we’re all growing so much as individuals, and through it all we’ve still remained by each other’s side, sharing the lowest and highest points of our journeys with each other. i've said this before in another journal post: men can come and go from my life as they please, as long as i have these two by my side. looking forward to october.

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jeshua told his mom that his rent cost went down, and she told him that he better take advantage of that and save for a ring.

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6.21.20. happy father’s day!

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6.10.20. my mom asked me to correct her journal entries so she can improve her grammar. this journal entry was super cute so i want to keep it on here. she wrote about how our dogs love to eat our cat’s food, but because it’s bad for their health my mom puts it away before they can get to it. she makes an analogy to how god sometimes does this for us. although we really want something because it seems appealing to us, god removes it from our life because he knows that it isn’t good for us. i love how my mom can look at seemingly unimportant things, like our dogs’ food preferences, and create deeper meanings.