Time flies, I am wondering how are you doing. I have recently come across a sharing from Quora saying Love is not the answer but Courage is. We needed to be courageous to get out of our comfort zone to get the first job, move to another city, approach the person you find interesting and eventually courageous enough to say “I love you” without being rejected and abandoned. I do agree, sometimes I need to face my fear, but not everytime I can overcome that. When we have very strong ego, it may have positive or negative impact on us. Whether it help us to protect ourselves, not to lower our standard and being walked all over you. Love can be a motivation, but you need to be courageous to act on your feeling/motivation to enable yourself to express yourself.
I have been juggling with your statement and manifesto about loving yourself first, unconditional love and relationship is just an icing on the cake. I can agree with them briefly, but I have difficulties to understand what does love really mean if you already love yourself, what’s the point to love someone else. I never agree whenever someone said they love me unconditionally. It can never be true unless it a parent and son and daughter’s relationship. When you are with someone else, you judge their appearance, their social status, what you can benefit from them...how can it be unconditional?
Remember you shared a quote from Steven Bartlett: If we’re dating, I want to be your second priority. I want your first priority to be you, your ambitions, your life and your future, because my priority right now, is me and mine. Finding happiness and security alone, is crucial to finding it together.
I cannot not agree with this, but only partially. I felt you have been imposed all your idea about relationship but we never had a chance to discuss about it, well, we never had chances to chat anyways. It took time for me to process all this. Eventually I just want to let you know the thing that truly broke us is because my idea of relationship is different from you. We all have responsibilities to find our happiness and security from within when we are alone, but when we have found someone who is aligned with the same things that you value, who is wiling to grow with you, to love you unconditionally, them I believe part of looking after yourself becomes also looking after that other person also. You are still doing you and create an amazing future, but that person and their needs become part of your decision making process. I want to spend time to communicate and understand you more but because you want to focus on your career and success which means we have less time to chat or meet to deepen our relationship and making a stronger bond together. But I am willing to put your needs before my wants. If you have searched Steven Bartlett, he actually broke up with his ex after a one year relationship because he could never be able to construct a meaningful engagement of a conversation with his ex because of his career, and after 4 years, he chased her back. I am not sure if the quote has credibility, many people focus on their career and miss the opportunity to cultivate, nurture their true love and made excuse and only believe that if the person is right fro you, they will come back, instead of reflecting what has gone wrong and open a channel to communicate. They would only put their energy back to their career and burry themselves with work because they felt hurt. I am sure I can let go of someone I don’d find important to me, but deep down I know who I love and like the most and wish it can reciprocate.
The breaking point I realized that it would never work out is because I realized you put all your wants before my needs, I wonder why do I needed to stay to love you if you already love yourself so much. My love and care felt insignificant and unimportant. I always felt like an idiot because the relationship felt controlled by you, on your terms and what I need is a good listener who can accept me and can make decision or at least being informed what’s your plan. I was shocked when you imposed the idea of me being a nurse. I wonder if you have ever consider my feeling or open a conversation and ask me how I feel about it, you cannot just force me to choose the career that I dont find my talent from it, I am a visual person, how can you turn a creative person into a nurse that needs to be scientifically correct all times? Do you understand controlling is not love? The mistake that I made is I was once believing that maybe I need to change to become a nurse, I did a lot of research and until my mum was surprised and cared and worried that I can’t do well because I am weak in science and mathematics. I woke up and realized that people who deeply care about me would want me to do something I am good at and happy about, I was disturbed because that suggestion was made by someone I trust and felt love, eventually I felt everything you did and thought were calculated and trying to be beneficial to you.
I understand people at 20s, I have gone through that period and I understand where all these coming from. you want to grow like a mature man, you can progress real quick career wise because you can work as hard as you can, chase your dream, break rules, fight for your opportunities, but you can never hide yourself from being debut in relationship. Arrogance is the right of all young people, they have the whole world and can do whatever they want. But when it comes to relationship, its about making someone felt seen and heard. Many relationship broke because they don’t feel being understood and accepted.
You were pretty patient in the beginning, but once you got me, you made the same mistake like other guys, they gave up pursuing, what i mean is they gave up listening to me, every time you meet me your mind is all about whether I am wasting your time. but have you ever thought my time is also precious especially I come to the stage where I need to find a person who is serious with me to be my life partner? and my time needs to be respected also?
Rarely I feel I am being considered and this only happen in a one-sided relationship. We were not on the same page, and my assumption that this relationship wont work because of the different stage of life has become true. We failed to make the other person feel respected probably.
I do love you and still care about you a lot. It is all imagination only because probably you dont fucking care and continuously make me feel I am an idiot. But I feel satisfied because at least I can experience what deep and strong love mean and I don’t need to experience another relationship anymore. I felt I did my best.
I am sad we did not talk because there’s so much we can learn from the experience but we wasted it. I am also sorry if I hurt you. You intentionally do not want to give me the benefit to know how hurt you are of loosing me. That’s fine, eventually you will learn how to be vulnerable and put your ego away when you truly meet someone you love deeply, just like how Steven would flew all the way to the other side of the world to chase his ex after 4 years of separation.
Honestly, I really don’t feel there’s a need for me to find another person when I have already found you. Too sad that you were not as invested as I am. The imbalance of relationship did break us, we were not able to adjust or bother to work on it. That’s the saddest part. You are an amazing person, but we all need to be a better partner. Even tho I made the decision, it is for the sake of my health and being walked over by you.
Take care.
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