Chez Robert Lawrence

NYC based artist & healer discovering what it truly means to be human. Follow me on instagram at chez_robert_lawrence.  

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Michelle Obama Photographed by Annie Leibovitz in the White House for Vogue magazine December 2016

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Can a divided America heal?

How can the US recover after the negative, partisan presidential election of 2016? Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt studies the morals that form the basis of our political choices. In conversation with TED Curator Chris Anderson, he describes the patterns of thinking and historical causes that have led to such sharp divisions in America — and provides a vision for how the country might move forward.

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Journeying In The Time Of Trump

As we face four years of Trump as president, I thought I would share my shamanic journeys from this past weekend. I believe the lesson learned is a great tool that can be used to address the fear and anger that currently exists within our country.

 This Sunday, I met with my shamanic circle to focus on the past. As time moved back, so did our focus. “As we reset our clocks we are reminded that as Shamans we have the means to reset the past. We carry in our persons and nation inherited negative energies that hinder our progress. This Sunday we will work to remove those energies and end the passing on of those hindrances. Through journey and ritual we will address our ancestral, personal, and national inheritance to restore the past, heal the present and create a better future,” wrote a steward regarding the goals of the circle.

 While journeying, I was supposed to connect with one or more ancestors that could shed light on an issue that held them and me back. The ancestors that appeared were from slavery. I got to see one of the masters of my family. I’m not sure if he was from my mother’s or father’s family. My DNA is 25% British/Irish and almost 75% West African. The master shared that he too was not free. He learned how to create emotional barriers to survive. He was not allowed to freely love and be a whole human being. Racism, hate, and following inhumane laws did not lead to true freedom, even for those on top. The slaves around him expressed similar turmoil. They, of course, were not able to freely love. There was always the threat of separation, rape, or cruel punishment. To fully love was a dangerous thing. It’s what caused people to break. Over the years, even after slavery ended, those ingrained lessons remained etched in our DNA. They continued to be expressed in our relationships.

 In my family, we are very good at building walls of protection. Barriers that protect us from emotional pain and that hold us together when we are close to breaking. Although such barriers proved vital for my family to survive in America, I don’t want to use them anymore. I long to trust the world around me and learn how to be more vulnerable. Something in me knows that my vulnerability and authenticity has the power to build connection and trust in others. It’s what allows others to let down their barriers and engage with me. It also gives me the emotional flexibility to not break. In fact, it’s an important tool that I’ve learned to survive and thrive in society.

 When I had learned of the issue that needed to be done away with, I blew that energy into a string and cut it. Everyone in the circle did the same and the strings were placed into a bag for disposal.

 Next, I needed to go back and learn the dreams of my ancestors. What did they want for the future? That was a quick journey. When I closed my eyes and returned to them, I could see them standing in a green field on a sunny day. They were smiling and laughing and free. Spiritually and emotionally free. It’s what they truly wanted for themselves. To not be separate. To simply be. It’s what they wanted for the future. It’s what they wanted for me.

 When I knew what my ancestors wanted for me and the future, I needed to blow that energy into tobacco and tie it into a small red bundle. That red bundle now sits on my mantle with my other spiritual objects. It sits at the feet of the Buddha given to me by a friend from Sri Lanka, near a cross blessed by a Catholic priest in Rome, not far from a statue of Ganesh I found in India. It has been in the same room with a gay Muslim from Egypt and an Orthodox Jew whose family survived the Holocaust. Its position on the mantle is a constant reminder of the work that I am called to do. To connect.

[soley-solange]

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Virginia Woolf - ‘The Hours’

“When did it begin? How did you know?” the therapist asked me. “Did you have trouble getting out of bed, or…”

 “No, it wasn’t like that,” I responded, trying to remember. “I was already suffering from panic attacks in my literature classes. When raising my hand to speak, my heart would start pounding and I would struggle to breathe. I would try my best to speak, praying that no one noticed. Then, I went to do a film review for the paper. Before the film began, a preview for ‘The Hours’ came on. That is all I could think about. I’d never seen a story like that. It spoke to me on such a deep level in just a few minutes. There was something in that story that I needed to know. The next day, I was at a book store buying the novel. That novel was the key. Something in me started to awaken and all of these emotions began to flood in. Too many for me to handle and I knew it. I was emotionally out of control and felt unstable. I turned to my theater professors and they told me to visit the counseling center. That was the beginning. Everything that came before, the literature classes, the theater, had been chipping away at this internal wall that I created to stay safe. That was the moment I finally broke through.”

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Moi.

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[chezrobertlawrence]

Wild Geese

By Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -- over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

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C’est moi.

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Universal Help Along The Journey

Yesterday, I found myself overwhelmed while thinking of everything I needed to do. I just finished work and need to quickly find a costume for the NYC Halloween Parade. I had to run home to put on makeup, run into the city to hang out with my friends, make it back home in time to get enough rest before my 10 am job interview, and then be ready for my regular job at 2 pm. The thought of it all made me angry, even though each moment should have been filled with joy. I worked and made enough money to survive in NYC. I was about to shop and prepare for Halloween in NY. I was going to enjoy the evening with my friends. I was going to interview for the job of my dreams the next day. What was there to complain about?

As I noticed the anger rising in me, I took note and asked myself, “What’s happening right now?” The question caused me to look at my surroundings. I was in Downtown Brooklyn. Children were running around trick-or-treating. The air wasn’t too cold, but a cool autumn breeze could be felt. All was well. Everything in that moment was manageable. The only thing that was truly troubling me was my own mind. With that, I decided to stay connected to the moment and leave my stressful thoughts alone.

Today, I was heading to my interview, hungry from not having breakfast. I realized that I was a bit too early for my interview, so I turned around to visit a bodega on the previous block. While walking back, I saw an elderly man trying to make his way down steep concrete steps with his walker. I asked if he needed help, but didn’t wait for a reply. I opened his gate, grabbed his walker and allowed him to walk down the steps. That’s when I noticed he needed additional help. While holding his walker in one hand, I extended my other hand and took his. The second our hands connected, I was in the present moment. There was an overwhelming sense of connectedness and joy as our two bodies became one. “Gracias,” he said when we reached the sidewalk. “De nada,” I replied with a smile.

Strangely, when I was sitting in my interview hoping I could find the appropriate answers for the manager’s questions, I was able to draw on these two experiences. I was asked about how I handle stress in my life. I told the manager about my meditation practice and how I use it in every day moments when I note that I am beginning to feel stressed. She smiled and shared that the company also utilizes meditation to help the staff. I was then asked about why I wanted to work in that particular company. That’s when I shared how important being a part of the community is to me. I told her about the man I met on my way. I didn’t want to just work for a health facility, but be a part of the community around it. When looking around the manager’s office, there was a lot of information about risk for falls. Falls were important to her, and here I was sharing a story of helping a man not fall down stairs. In many ways, it felt like life had naturally prepared me for my interview. The universe gave me the tools and experiences I needed to show my best self for my dream job. I still don’t know if I got the job, but I am happy that life assisted me in giving it my best try.

[observando]

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…

Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love (via observando)

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Remember Me

The train rolls down the tracks.

Through landscapes of autumn leaves

And abandoned buildings covered with graffiti.

Remember me, the tags scream.

Remember, the therapist asks of me.

And my mind rolls backwards in time

Through decaying landscapes

And slows to a stop as he asks about specific destinations.

I once lived in a house on a hill.

I lived once in a house.

A house is where I lived.

With a mom, dad, sister and dog.

With walls to separate and contain.

Where secrets weren’t to be revealed.

Most importantly my own, which I learned to hide well.

My room, down the hall. The first on the right.

Striped rainbow wallpaper ripped and peeled at night.

By small fingers occupying time

Like lines on a prison wall;

Counting. Keeping track of the hours and days.

Waiting for something unseen, unknown

To occur to me. Some unspoken destiny.

Windows dividing inner from outer

Would be opened from time to time.

Allowing air to traverse. And sound.

My own screams or friends wanting to speak.

Was that you?

No, it was not.

But who else could it be?

We sit and talk as memories roll in.

Corrections are made as time is pieced together.

Working to remember those days and hours.

Hours and days.

Of waiting for my life to begin.

For my secrets to be revealed.

For someone to look at the crumbling façade and ask,

Who lives here?

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The Interview

I got into the car to head to my interview.

The driver took me on a new route through neighborhoods I didn’t know.

Industrial zones mixed with wealthy homes.

Construction sites and school buses.

We passed a cemetery. Massive in size.

I looked in and saw images of the deceased carved into stone.

A woman in black granite stared back at me.

Dust to dust.

“What made you want to become a nurse?” one of the four interviewers asked.

My head dropped as I contemplated.

I knew this question would come, but how would I answer?

Should I be honest or should I use a textbook answer?

My flaw is my honesty.

With eyes still focused on the desk, I answered from my heart.

“I came to New York to be an artist.

It was always my desire to know what it means to be human.

What it truly means. But, I also realized that I needed to care for myself.

When my dad got sick, I looked around the hospital and noticed the nurses.

I did my research and thought it matched with my ultimate goal.

As a nurse, I could learn what it means to be human.

It’s about life and death.”

 I looked up, and the nurses were silently nodding.

They knew. They knew what I have yet to learn, but which I seek.

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Nancy Wilson / The Good Life