T Hudelot

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T Hudelot
by Sarah Pardini
Audrey Hepburn and Anita Ekberg on set of War and Peace, 1956
the world is ending everywhere but when you laugh i don’t notice. we can sit together while everything falls apart somewhere else. there will be time for devastation later. for now, we can watch the trees. what were they like when you were younger? there was a window i used to look out of where one would wait for me. red leaves for most of the year. there are a few reasons why i don’t feel real anymore. the big one being that when people talk to me they talk through me. you are somewhere in my head and i am looking at you instead of them. it’s unfair to everyone else but i’m scared you’ll disappear otherwise. i feel so old lately but today i am younger than yesterday. yesterday i was 70 years old and i was letting you go for the last ever time. but today i’m waiting to meet you. i hope somehow you’ll know where to find me. i’ll be where the river is still. where the birds are mid-flight. where everything wants to bear witness.
It is what we do in order to care for things, make them ourselves, our elders, our beloveds, our unborn.
But perhaps that is a lazy kind of love. Why can’t I just love the flower for being a flower?
How many flowers have I yanked to puppet as if it was easy for the world to make flowers?
— Ada Limón, from “In the Shadow,” The Hurting Kind
Scandinavian apartment | styling by Maria Wigartz & photos by Jonas Berg
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“But what was happening? Didn’t I want to remain unseen? My reflection, was it truly mine? Sometimes it felt that way.”
— — Evan Kleekamp, from The Cloth, We Want It All: An Anthology of Radical Trans Poetics, eds. Andrea Abi-Karam & Kay Gabriel
compassion
& revenge. what if we scorch the archive? get lower, dirtier.
come back covered in dirt. the child that wanders off
into the woods returns part animal. & then the slaughter.
turn all the kids to dust. & then the phoenix
— NM Esc, from “Enclosure,” We Want It All: An Anthology of Radical Trans Poetics, eds. Andrea Abi-Karam & Kay Gabriel
the reason i have trouble valuing myself is the people who raised me didn’t value me i went along with their appraisal to preserve our relationship i think even then i had a sense that my own self- worth & what people were reporting back didn’t line up i guess i figured i must be wrong with my self-worth intact or at least on the mend i have no picture for what relationship is
— xtian w and Anaïs Duplan, from “i am not prepared is it essential to change,” We Want It All: An Anthology of Radical Trans Poetics, eds. Andrea Abi-Karam & Kay Gabriel
“I’m barricaded behind a sob.”
— — Valzhyna Mort, from “A Song for a Raised Voice and a Screwdriver,” Music for the Dead and Resurrected
soul trip