I’ve been trying to go out more again. It’s scary going alone sometimes. My diapers make it so I feel more confident when I’m out in public. Like I can live a little more freely. No fears of over hydrating, or checking for bathrooms, or forgetting I have to go and holding it for hours until I have accidents. Just me finally drinking an appropriate amount of water, focusing on living or enjoying the outing and a very heavy diaper at the end of the afternoon.
Everything about the potty is overwhelming to me. Even at home. It’s a sensory hell, the transitions are torture and I know I avoid it at all costs. Diapers relieve me of that constant pressure. I use the potty 2 times a day and it’s manageable. It doesn’t completely unravel my next hour every time I need to wet.
Today I woke up with a full diaper and my binki still in my mouth. My bottle with just a few more oz of water I hadn’t finished before I dozed off last night. I rolled onto my back and worked on the last of the bottle as I woke up. Those few ozs of water were just enough to make me desperate for my morning milkies. I started to stretch and get ready to get out of bed. A couple of deep breaths and a sudden flood of warmth holds me tight. It’s almost cozy enough to lay back down to sleep.
I got up and waddled to the kitchen diaper heavy, warm and sagging. I started the hot water to warm my bottle and make my oatmeal. Binki in and ready for a change I got my supplies for my first change of the day.
Today I went out and I decided to try out my mega max diapers. After stripping out of last nights full diapy I wiped up and sat on the potty. Wearing headphones, using my binki and knowing I’m going right back into my diaper helps me get through sitting on the potty.
A good hand wash and I’m ready for my diapey. I put on my new mega max. I’ve worn one before but never used it. It’s not as soft or cozy or cuddly like my cloth diapers. But when I secured the tapes and stood up I felt my body relax and I felt safe and secure in my diaper. I love the way it goes all the way up my tummy and covers so much of me.
I went to the kitchen and ate my oatmeal. I miss getting to be a messy baby eater. I laid on the couch and drank my morning milkies and then got dressed to leave.
The first place I went I had to talk to a bunch of people and get a new bank card. The lines and the lights usually send me into panic but today I stayed calm and was done super fast. As a treat I took myself to goodwill and I found pull ups on sale! I use those for my better days now that I’m not Incontinent. After I went home and laid down for a short while before going to Costco. I was so proud of myself and almost done when I was suddenly highly aware my diaper was completely full. I hadn’t thought about it all day and I couldn’t feel how wet I was. I was blissfully unaware for hours. Going about my day happily and productively without knowing I had been filling my diaper the whole time.
This is one of the first times I’ve gone out diapered without a caregiver and it’s the longest by a lot. I didn’t have another diaper. My diaper was sagging and I was terrified it would start poking out the bottom of my dress. I payed for my things quickly and remembered I had promised to bring back a pizza. I was trapped there another 20 minutes. Fully aware of the slow trickle of wetting I was still failing to hold in.
I drove home with my legs uncomfortably wide leaving a wet spot in the drivers seat as I rushed in to get changed.
I love being wet. I love the feeling of the first time I wet a clean diaper. I love the feeling of my diaper getting heavier. I feel held and safe and secure. When I’m scared or anxious and I wet I almost immediately start calming down. When I’m super happy or excited I will wet. It’s never on purpose. That’s the confusing part for me. Wetting is natural for me. I can hold it if I have to most times now. But it’s uncomfortable, it’s taxing, it’s distracting, it’s overwhelming. I don’t want to hold it. I want to keep feeling safe and comfortable and happy in my diapers.
This was just a ramble of happy and thoughts from today. I’m back in my cloth diaper, tummy full of night time milkies and binki secured.
Happy diaper girl
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