Running out of time

TW OF THE BLOG [LGBT+PHOBIA/TRANSPHOBIA/DEPRESSION/SELFHARM/SUICIDE] This is the diary of a 21 yo french transgender girl living with severe depression and suicidal problems. This is mainly to write down my thoughts but it will also serve as an evidence when cops will find my body someday. Once I finish my work I will go

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

One of my many regrets :

My voice is so freaking deep. It's really ugly and it reminds me every time I speak that everyone is taking me for a man, not matter how hard I try to work on my appearance.

I really wanted to record my voice. To vocally talk about me, my life, what I'm going through, what I'm struggling with on the inside. Just so people could hear, after my death, what a f-up life I had.

Unfortunately I hate my voice. I hate being born with this body. And more importantly, I hate myself.

So I guess I'll just have to stick to the plan using only textual support...

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

I think my birthday and my deathday are going to happen the same day.

Yup this will definitely be the perfect way to close the cycle.

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

During these past few months alone in the shadows, I had a glimpse of the future.

I watched the world turn without me being a part of it. I watched people going back to their normal life after I vanished a few months ago. I watched people I used to hang around with, living happily.

I did it. I actually freaking did it. I have been forgotten. People forgot about. People moved past me. People moved on with their lives.

That's all I ever wanted. That's all that was restraining me for finally pulling the trigger. I didn't want people to get hurt by my eternal disappearance.

But now I've seen it, and I can rest assured. They won't.

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

Thank you for listening, Mother Lilith. One day you shall be proud of me.

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

How I celebrated my 666th day under HRT

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

It's been more than a month since I stopped giving any sign of life to the only people i used to spoke with.

I was part of a queer community and I ran away because I was losing my shit and I didn't want to explode with people near me. I guess you could call them "friends" although I'm not sure what this term means anymore, and how I feel about the whole "friend" thing.

Anyway, I didn't received any text since 3 weeks now. So I guess I can finally go this time. People have move past me and I can finally go without people noticing it.

Now seems like a good time to die.

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

I just ordered "The soul of Lilith" from Marie Corelli. Can't wait to finally read it.

Also I'm gonna start nightly meditations and rituals to offer myself to the Goddess.

I'll keep you updated.

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

If anyone needs a human body for a sacrifice, I volunteer.

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

I wanna die.

I'm sick of being a toy people are playing with when they are bored and thrown in a corner when people they are interested in are now available.

I'm sick of feeling happy to be treated as a toy because it's the only care I can get from people.

I'm sick of being so f up, of not having real friends, real love interests, or not even a decent life.

I'm sick of being rejected and ending up alone, even by my "family". And now I'm so familiar with being alone that it's where I go when things are getting wrong.

I'm sick of still looking like a f cisman when all I ever wanted was to be seen as a girl.

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

💓💞💞💞💗💗💗

Thanks, that's nice of you

But you should really keep your energy for someone else, someone who isn't broken yet

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

Is there a better day to commit suicide than today ? I will show the world that society killed me

Hopefully my death will help to make advance the cause of lgbt+ people

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

There are a lot of people that are just better versions of myself. I am such an evil being with bad feelings and thoughts. People can easily replace me with literally anyone. I want them to get rid of me, to forget we ever met. I always destroy the life of those who cross my road

I am not made to live with other humans, in fact I am not made to live at all. My existence was a mistake. Hospitalizations in psychiatric clinics and antidepressants don't do sh*t, what I need is a bullet straight inside my head that will bring me where I truly belong

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

I am such a broken piece of sh*t... Why the hell did my life ever started ? I wish everyone could forget about me so that I could kill myself without making trouble

That's part of the reason why people that I didn't share this blog to those who know me

And that I started ghosting everyone again since 2 weeks now... Last time it lasted for 4 months, 4 months during which I gave no life signs, so that people could move on and I could finally die unnoticed

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

I wish I could take the place of someone who died in an accident or something like that, and didn't intended to.

Or give my somewhat ok body to a person without a valid body. That way my death will be useful for the both of us.

Sh*t I'm doing my drama queen once again...

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

Wonder what will happen when I'll be gone

[chloethedoomedtransgender]

[chloethedoomedtransgender]