Thoughts on the passing of my mother - Part 1
Below are some thoughts that I wrote down some time ago over the passing of my mother. The thoughts are unfinished, and lack a conclusion, but I figure I should put it out there at some point.
On April 3rd 2018 at 8:15 PM my mother passed away. I compiled some thoughts for posterity. She was diagnosed with cancer 3 years prior. A rare form of cancer called Neuro-Endocrine Tumours, NETS. It is a bit unique in that it has no cure, but you can be asymptomatic for a long time. So it felt like a battle that wasn't really happening for a long time, until it absolutely was. I don't think I'll ever feel whole or balanced again. It just seems inconceivable that it was happening, while it was happening. Like a waking nightmare. I fought and I fought to try and stop it but nothing worked. The past year has been an exercise in frustration and powerlessness on many levels. I made a lot of life changes, to try and help the fight. Took on a second job. Switched jobs. Contacted doctors across the Atlantic. Took on debt.
The main lesson that I can take away is that sometimes, an extremely shitty thing is going to happen to you and yours and there will be nothing that you can do. And you just have to accept it. And that's a part of life. It's in the contract. One of those lines we didn't read and don't like to think about. It will feel really unfair, and you'll wonder what did your person, in this case my mum, do to deserve this? She's good. She did everything right. She changed so many lives through teaching. And yet here she is enduring pain that I would not wish on anybody. How is that fair? I can remember sitting in Hospice thinking back to when I went to a NET conference in L.A. and there was a patient panel, with people who've had this cancer for a decade plus, sitting down talking normal. The cancer has no cure, but can be treated, so you can live with a good quality of life. Why couldn't I get that for my mom in time? How is that fair? Residing in a 3rd world nation, there are no viable treatment options for her cancer because it is too rare. Making treatment extremely difficult to procure and afford. How is that fair? But that's the point I suppose. Nothing is fair.
And the part that really gets me is that this is an absolutely normal part of life. It's going to happen to EVERYONE. And for me it felt like the end of the goddamn world. And it's going to feel that way for each and every one of us. That's scary to think about. But it's absolutely essential to understand, because your support group, could potentially be anyone. There's many people in our lives who've lost parents, and they seem to walk around normal, and not act like everything is unraveling day by day. I would wonder, how are they pulling this off? In the moment, it seemed impossible. We shouldn't fear it anymore that any other life life event we can relate to.
And now there is a momma shaped hole. The (completely uninformed) comparison that comes to mind, is like losing a limb, but emotionally. I can carry on each day, but it's just harder.
One of the most isolating things was the way people treated me. People talk to you like you're an emotionally fragile pariah when something like this comes up. They're afraid to say anything because they think everything will offend. In reality all I wanted was or someone to talk to me like this was normal. It would help pull me out of this morass of despair if someone would just try to talk about this like it was something real. Ask me what kind of cancer it is. How does the cancer work? What about the hospital experience? When we give the fear that much reverence it just makes it worse.
People would say such cliched stuff too that was so annoying. Like leave it in God's hands. That would get on my nerves so much. Nothing about this felt like God was helping out, so I really don't want to hear about him. Truthfully, I hated God throughout this whole ordeal. Noone was more deserving to be helped than my mother. There was noone better in this world, and yet I've never seen someone be subjected to so much suffering undeservedly. The adult diapers, the catheter, the loss of weight, the slurred speech, the pain, the swelling in the extremities. That was all part of the plan huh. How on Earth is hearing that supposed to make me feel better, knowing what I know, and seeing what I've seen my mother go through. To me that's one of the most unintentionally insensitive things you can tell a family member of someone going through something like that.
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