So many signs I ignored and pretended not to see, if only I'd paid attention and been honest with myself i probably would've seen that you never actually loved me how I loved you. Maybe didn't love me at all, any of the times you said it.
I think, now, that you only really loved how fiercely I adored you, and I'd give you all the love, attention, and affection you often crave. You loved how much time I would always always make for you. How I'd put you first, and would always be on your side. How I'd boost your ego when you'd get down on yourself. You liked how I never got on your case about your drug problem like everyone else did, because I had my own addiction that was just as severe, so who am I to tell you to take care of yourself. You loved that I was someone who you could use drugs around, and even someone to use with.
You didn't really love me as a person. But you liked it how I'd do practically anything for you because I wanted to make you happy. And you loved that whenever I was with you, at least you didn't have to be alone.
Until things got sorta fucked & scary & too much trouble. That day I stayed at your house with you all day and that night when you offered me a line of some fentanyl, and like always I said yes to drugs and like always I trusted you to dose me. I told you I felt high and I felt warm, and you smiled and said "that's good dear". And then I fell out.
You told me you tried getting me to come to for 20 minutes and you smacked the shit out of me. Then you had to call someone. I was unconscious and taking 4 breaths a minute when EMTs arrived. They gave me 5 or 6 doses of narcan and then I came to. And they took me to the hospital. But I was worried about YOU
You wouldn't answer my calls, when I was scared and alone and shaken up and sad in that emergency room. You didn't come see me. The next time I saw you was the morning after they released me from the hospital. You dropped off my shoes, which were still in your room, gave me a hug and left. Said we couldn't really hang out or talk much because your dad said not to and you don't want to get kicked out. Your dad says im not allowed around anymore, because the story you told him and the police was that you're in recovery, you aren't using. You didn't know what I took, you didn't even know I was on anything until I passed out. So your dad thinks I just brought hard drugs into his home, around his good recovered son, and almost died in front of him.
So after I was banned, you didn't speak to me very much... That was like a Monday, or Tuesday maybe. On Friday, police came to my house and arrested me. They had a warrant, charging me with 2 felonies, because after I was taken to the hospital they searched your bedroom. I had meth in my purse, that ones my bad. And then somewhere in your room, they found 10 of your old needles. That's felony number 2, and I had nothing to do with it, but they decided they were mine because I was the one there that they know was using drugs, and they didn't want to get you in trouble because you made a life saving 911 call. From what I understand, after they tore your room apart looking for drugs, they just sorta left, no trouble for you at all. And I wasn't aware or there to defend myself because they rushed me to the emergency room.
I should've known it wasn't gonna be the end of that when they discharged me from the hospital. And on Friday afternoon I was arrested. Put in an isolated cell, on suicide watch. Which was the worst thing I ever experienced. But in the middle of all that I couldn't quit thinking about you and worrying about you and if you're alright and hoping you didn't get in trouble too. I spent so much time thinking about you and if you were okay. I called you and we talked for about 6 minutes before you said you had to get back to work. I told you I had a felony for stuff they found in your room, and you said "I'm really sorry". Quickly had to go, but I asked when I could call back. You told me in the morning. So I called for days. At allllll different times in the morning, very late after you'd be off work. I called various times on the days I knew you had off. And you dodged every single one of my calls.
When I got bailed out of jail, I tried so hard to talk to you. You told me that multiple people told you not to talk to me anymore, and that you love me, and it's not just me, you haven't been talking to anyone. I said I was sorry anyone tried to tell you needed to stay away from me, or that you're a bad influence on me or anything but that I still thought you gave enough of a shit about me that you'd at least TRY to see if I'm alright because this has been the darkest time in my life and I really need my fucking friends now.
You said "I just don't know what to do". And you quit responding. You haven't responded since. That's when I realized that, all the time I spent worried about him, surely he didn't spend thinking of me. I was so concerned if he was okay through everything, and for what really? When HE didn't overdose and nearly die, HE didn't sit crying alone in the hospital, HE didn't get taken from his home by police, HE didn't get locked in a box charged with 2 felonies (one he has nothing to do with).
HE didn't get abandoned by HIS best friend the second things got serious and hard.
That was all me. He won't speak to me at all now.
And it hurts. Totally faded out of my life when I became more trouble than I'm worth I guess.
Not even a text or even a Facebook post on my birthday, a week after I got bailed out of jail. On his birthday almost exactly 2 months before mine, I stayed the night with him 3 nights in a row, I took him out for birthday breakfast and I gave him sweet sentimental gifts and told him how much I love all the time we spend together. But it's like I'm dead to him now. And I spent my birthday alone and very sad.
I've been spending a lot of time that way since he dissapeared.
What did I do? Why is it that easy for you to drop me? Why do I still love you and still miss you and still worry about you every day, when you clearly don't care about me half as much? What happened to the love and the "best friend" friendship and all the time and everything we shared? What happened to me being your new partner in crime, like you used to call me? Suppose that only lasts until there are any repercussions for that crime.
I'm so sad that any of this happened. And I am so sad I was too much for you to want to stay. I miss you like crazy. Things have been very bad for awhile, but things are much much worse now. Maybe not for you. But for me. All the shit I've been going through because of all this, and on top of that my heart is so heavy from losing you...
I wish it didn't hurt so bad, and I wish I didn't care so much. You so clearly do not.
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