No God, Still Praying @cityfawns - Tumblr Blog

spider that landed on my shoulder in this hospital waiting room just as I googled the blood pressure reading results that I just did and the NHS website wouldn’t even let me input it and instead said to call 111 (non emergency medical line for the UK). second spider I’ve seen today.

#personal #have been seeing multiple every single day recently

I have one hour to work on a big project before I have to get ready for my hospital appointment, feels amazing to use my space at home while my boyfriend is away and spread out my work.

#personal

I need to release myself from caring about what my Dad thinks of me

Fathers Day TW lmao

On Tuesday I said to my Dad how I was really unwell, like completely fucked I couldn’t move for hours, had severe cramps out of nowhere with this really intense attack of fatigue, have hospital appointments and my week is going badly, asked if I can’t make this Sunday with him and my siblings can I do Father’s Day with him on another day soon after what possible days might he be free, and got back a message saying: well it sounds like you know you’re not coming this Sunday. you are clearly prioritising other things. this is a fixed date so the fact you are not coming and have left it to the last minute to make plans for my Father’s Day is very hurtful.

Which is just… not what I said… but also is technically what I was asking but only conditionally, that my week continues going to shit I know I have some plans pencilled in with him to make him feel cared for. That fucking backfired !

I had actually meant to text him before but I was so sick I couldn’t even hold my phone or look at a screen.

He gets super super touchy about Fathers Day and his bday every year — also incredibly controlling about what he wants me to do and what he wants to get me on MY birthdays to the point I dread speaking to him about it — so I was trying to prevent a situation where he’d be annoyed at me for being late and trying to release a tad bit of pressure from this disaster week so it wouldn’t be a miserable experience I forcefully drag myself through if I’m unwell again - just by doing something together on a different day. but to him it’s unacceptable, it’s a mark of disrespect to not like sacrifice everything for His Day. also defends this by saying he’s a really laid back and undemanding father… wait you walked out on us and left us with a woman who was violent (my mum used to attack him and smash up the house) and mentally unstable when I was 9, you did not raise me the way my mum did we just went to hours on weekends and for days out, and when I was being abused by my boyfriend you were also emotionally neglectful cos you didn’t do anything about it!

sure! laid back is one word for it!

I didn’t even say I couldn’t make it… I had just woken up from a really bad sickness that ruined my day and fucked up the rest of my week and was anxious, overwhelmed and worried about disappointing him :/ (especially bc I had booked and planned this solo Oxford day for myself the other week. I felt so guilty!)

I also think 5 days isnt that last minute? it’s not ideal by any means but it took me 2 minutes to suggest we all cook him a meal and watch a film together and him to say he liked the sound of that

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. In my body I feel ashamed and guilty and scared. but logically when I think it through and look at our convo I think I wasn’t doing anything selfish or unreasonable I was just asking for a bit of grace