Charlie’s Bloggin

If I didn’t exist, I’d have to invent myself too

[annasmith1993-blog]

[ckcopprell]

Dear 40-year-old me,

Howdy! Long time no see, stranger! I hope that this letter finds you well. I have so much to say to you, and so many questions too! Oh, and I’m only 34, so if I get anything wrong here, I’m so sorry. But remember how the one for your 30th went? Some of the best parts of that letter were the things that we got wrong, even if it was sad.

Okay, first of all, I want you to know that you are a good parent. You were worried for years about being a “good enough” parent, but those worries melted away when you and Morg started trying, remember? You have done so much to get ready, including studying child development and parenting and psychology and anything else that could help you to raise happy, healthy children. But most importantly, you care so much. You really do. That’s how I know that you’re a good parent from all the way over here. (Oh, and the learning doesn’t stop just because you’re 40, in case you need the reminder.)

You love kids and they love you! Remember that friend’s 40th birthday party? With all those kids and the karaoke machine? 😂 They butchered every single song, but there was no way that you were going to let them ruin Katy Perry, so you sat down right in the middle of the group and sang “Roar” with them. They all sang along with you and you guys sounded amazing! Remember that? That memory gives me chills. Does it still give you chills? Oh, and here’s a perk of getting older: let’s embellish this one by saying that they even harmonized with you too. You’re welcome 😉

You deserve Morgane and she deserves you. You two believe it, and so you both live it, and that’s how love is made. And while it’s true that you deserve her, you’re also lucky as hell. You’ve got an important anniversary coming up. Start planning now. Go all out, okay? You guys deserve it. I know that I don’t need to remind you about all the small things, but taking care of yourself will help you to take care of her too. You’re at home with the kids all day. You have the means to avoid getting burned out. You deserve to take breaks. Take them.

How is your work? Today, I dream of filling my gallery with content. I also like to think that I don’t care if anyone else appreciates it, but deep down I want others to notice my work and study it for ideas. I want to make great games, but I am unconcerned with “being great”. I hope that this attitude has stuck with you. It will take time to get to that level, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re not there yet. It’s a long journey, and you’ve got a lot on your plate. Slow and steady is just fine, with emphasis on the word “steady.”

Today, I’m in a place in life where I can easily make new friends, but I’m afraid of letting anyone new in. I hope that you have done some healing since, because you and I both know that those fears drive you away from intimacy and connection. You’re looking for quality, not quantity, but your habits only allow you to cultivate the latter. I don’t know what else to say to you about this, because I’m in the middle of it right now, but I just hope that you’ve made progress. Either way, true love will find you in the end, you know what I mean?

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I think that the coolest version of us thus far is probably when we were in our “Diogenes phase.” Oh, you think you’re the cool one? I’ll be the judge of that, but I hope you’re right! Anyway, I know that it didn’t feel like it at the time, but scroll down on this blog if you don’t believe me. And then check out the archives, too, because they are full of so much good stuff. Go see for yourself! Refresh your memory. I’ll wait.

Told ya! How could you forget? You know that thing we like to say? “I try to cope beautifully.” Nuh-uh. You didn’t just try. Charlie, in my eyes, you did and I hope that you still do.

That’s the name of the game, isn’t it? “To cope beautifully.” I wonder where you’ve taken this saying of ours in the years since. Have you found a way to incorporate it into your work? And have you expanded beyond video game-related art? I’m curious, because you were kind of itching to get back into pastels once upon a time. Just saying. Oh, it’s such a shame that this thing can’t run in reverse so that I might receive letters from you, huh?

As is tradition, I leave you with a video. Make of it what you will, as is your wont.

Okay, Charlie, it’s time for me to g— Aw... are those tears... of joy? Hmm, well, if they’re not, then you know what to do, right? Godspeed either way.

See you in a little while! I’ll be waiting! Don’t let me down ❤️

Love, Charlie

PS: If you’re smoking again, I swear to god, I will travel through time and physically fight you. Don’t test me. You know I’m good for it.

[manila-automat]

The Inspired Workspace, 2002

[ckcopprell]

I have dozens (maybe over 100) of archived posts that I’d like to repost, but I’m not sure how I want to do it. I’ll be back eventually, dear reader! In the meantime, I’ll be trying to come up with a new online handle for game dev 🤔

[kidtunche]

[ckcopprell]

My Monday is starting very early today. Hell yeah!

[yoscamaeda]

Before Tomorrow Comes

[ckcopprell]

Morgane and I got married on September 15th, 2018! 🎉

We exchanged vows under a walnut tree in a field near Santa Barbara, California. Morg’s cousin Amandine came from France and officiated the wedding, which was absolutely wonderful. Here’s an excerpt from a poem by James Kavanaugh that she recited for the ceremony:

« To love is not to possess, To own or imprison, Nor to lose one’s self in another. Love is to join and separate, To walk alone and together, It is to be perfectly one’s self And perfectly joined in permanent commitment To another–and to one’s inner self. Love only endures when it moves like waves, Receding and returning gently or passionately, Or moving lovingly like the tide In the moon’s own predictable harmony, Because finally, despite a child’s scars Or an adult’s deepest wounds, They are openly free to be who they really are–and always secretly were, In the very core of their being Where true and lasting love can alone abide. »

Our first dance was to “I’ll Be Your Mirror” by The Velvet Underground. We made a funny kind of entrance. Like, we just walked onto the dance floor hand in hand and started dancing without any announcement. Only our presence and the music set the stage, which I thought was nice.

My wife performed “Remedy” and “Lovesong” by Adele. While my wife was singing, I was transfixed. It wasn’t a secret that she’d be performing, but I didn’t know what she was going to sing. I won’t forget those moments for the rest of my life. Of course, these songs are now reliably frisson-inducing tunes. I mean, it’s fucking Adele, so it probably would’ve done the trick before too, but you know what I mean.

It was amazing to have all of our loved ones in one place to celebrate our union. The whole thing was extremely emotional for me, but I just made sure to be in the right places at the right times. I had the easier job, to be honest. But when I was feeling overwhelmed, I snuck off to smoke and listen to music.

We had been together for nearly nine years and lived together for nearly eight. This wasn’t a big life transition for us, but it felt like one. And I’ll remember it as one, too. Ceremonies and rituals like this are powerful experiences, and this was no exception.

Of course, the venue was in an area with low light pollution. The stars were exceptionally visible at night! 🌌🌠

[1041uuu]

[ckcopprell]

One thing that I really admire about Morg is that she makes her way through life in a way that screams: “I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know where I’m going.” And she does it with a special kind of grace, a way that’s so genuine and true.

That combination isn’t easy to find, but you know it when you see it. And it’s hard to take your eyes off of it once you do.

No matter what you think or feel towards me, dear reader, I’m sure that you’ll agree: Morgane is a very cool character. But she’s more than just a character on this thing— she also helped to write it! She’s good at pointing out lines that are confusingly written or ones that are too... too much. We have many fond memories of reading and listening to posts together.

She makes this thing better in all sorts of ways, you know what I mean? 🙂

[jamabushi]

[ckcopprell]

Parts of this song make me think of when Morg and I first met. I was testing a piece of equipment in the lab and she came up to me and introduced herself. I don’t at all recall what we talked about, but I remember exactly what outfit she was wearing that day.

[warakami-vaporwave]

Virtual Sunset (animated)

follow me on instagram!

[ckcopprell]

I strongly associate this song with the time Morg and I went to Kauai. It was on repeat during most of that vacation for whatever reason. I kept my grandmother’s ring in my pocket during the whole trip, waiting for the right time and place to pop the question. One evening, we were driving to go have dinner and found ourselves cruising past a mostly empty beach. The sky had turned just the right color, and I was feeling brave enough, so we pulled over and went on a suspiciously spontaneous walk.

One thing that I appreciate about us is that we actively seek out challenging conversations. Our reasoning is that the conversations that we don’t want to have are precisely the ones that we need to have. At the risk of sounding like superficial fortune cookie relationship advice (e.g., “choose them every day”)— relationships are work.

They’re hard work too, sometimes. In fact, if we’re not communicating enough or properly, we do “relationship scrum” for a while to get back on track 😂 It’s that important to us, both individually and also for our relationship. It’s also just plain hard, because challenging conversations are, well, challenging. It can be easy to get defensive, lash out, tune out, and otherwise destroy a productive conversation. It took us time to learn how to guide ourselves and each other towards understanding and away from oblivion during those kinds of conversations. We’re still learning. It’s part of the fun of love. And I think it’s part of the process, too.

[ek-vitki-pixels]

Star-Anchored Chandelier

Follow me elsewhere! 

[ckcopprell]

I can remember a few distinct moments in my life when I was overcome by a feeling like deja vu, but different. It’s more subtle than that jarring feeling of perceiving the past in the present, but much, much longer lasting. I can’t say that the feeling ever ended, actually. It just became a new normal. Everything just, well, changed. It was like my soul finally caught up to the circumstances that my body had been in for some time already and was relieved to find itself there.

The few times that this has happened, the feeling was always anchored in time by a big life step that I had made together with Morg. We’ll be getting married in two weeks, and I’m looking forward to it sneaking up on me again.

[ckcopprell]