i was happy for a day in 1975

Clarissa Rhodes. 20. Self harm, clinical depression & anorexia nervosa. Just had a fucking c-section.

[clarissarh-blog]

flashbacketh:

“The fact that you push me. I don’t like it. It makes me feel like I’m letting you down and that’s not how I want to feel about it. I tried to tell you and it made me uncomfortable. I don’t like talking about it. Because, the people I trusted the most are the reason I am the way I am and I don’t want to put that much trust into someone again.”

“I push you because it’s necessary. We don’t have to sleep together but you do need to talk to me, or someone, about what happened to you. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not going to hurt you the way they did.”

[clarissarh-blog]

flashbacketh:

“Would it? I think it might make me hate you. Sex complicates everything and I don’t want things to be any more complicated than they already are. I don’t want to grow to hate you because of something as trivial as sex.” He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. Sex honestly was one of the grossest things in the world to Ethan, just because of what he’d been through and it was difficult for him to imagine sex without an episode. Yet here Clarissa was trying to convince him. “That’s good, babe.”

“Complicated? What about us is complicated other than sex? Why would you hate me if we had sex? I don’t know what happened to you, you don’t talk about it. Why can’t you trust me? I’m not going to hurt you, I want you to get better.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

[clarissarh-blog]

histrionicleah:

“Eugh, why? I can lay with you and stroke your hair until you fall asleep.”

“I’m just restless.” The lie slipped out so smoothly that Clarissa almost thought she told the truth for a second. “Okay, sure.”

[clarissarh-blog]

flashbacketh:

“I know you did.” Ethan shrugged “Just another reason for me to keep away from sex. It’s gross and it leave awkward and painful ties.” He sighed and kept his eyes on the ground. He could tell she didn’t want to talk about the baby. “But you’re alright? Everything went fine otherwise?”

“But it would be different for us.” How could he even compare them to her and Archie? Or her and Andy? The latter made her the most upset. Those relationships were merely sex. What Ethan and her had was actual love.. she wasn’t so sure of that anymore. “No complications on my part.”

[clarissarh-blog]

historionicleah:

“I’m constantly craving attention.”

"That’s good for you but I haven’t slept without being sedated in over a week.”

[clarissarh-blog]

morganstonedx:

“I’m sorry… All the best wishes to your baby.” Morgan nodded, smiling. “I can sing pretty well. And if my thoughts aren’t too jumbled, I can tell stories. Same with poems. None mine, of course.”

“What kind of stories?” She could’ve been nicer to him, or make more of an effort to have a conversation. Clarissa couldn’t even meet his eyes. Making new friends reminded her of the ones she might not see again. She could always Google then upon release. “What’s your name?”

[clarissarh-blog]

flashbacketh:

“They left, they didn’t say anything. What’s wrong with the baby? Why?”

“I lost people too. Archie, Andy. At least you didn’t sleep with anyone and not be able to say goodbye. It’s like they died.” She tried to think of something that would steer the conversation from the baby, but her mind came up blank. “My mom is handling her.”

[clarissarh-blog]

morganstonedx:

“Oh shit. I’m sorry… really sorry for bothering you then. You had a baby? Bloody hell, I’ll leave you alone to rest. Super sorry for waking you then!” His hands are raised in surrender as if to not anger the girl further.

“I can’t sleep. My thoughts are preoccupied by my dying preemie.” She sat up in the bed to lean against the headrest. “Can you keep me entertained?”

[clarissarh-blog]

flashbacketh:

“Good. Then I won’t have people that can abandon me like everyone else did. How did everything go?”

“No one left you, they were transferred. Everything went smoothly. For me. The baby isn’t doing so well. My mom is there.”

[flashbacketh-blog]

“You’re in my space, please take like three steps back.”

[clarissarh-blog]

“You’re not going to make any friends with that attitude.”

[clarissarh-blog]

car-a--madison:

Cara leaned against the door frame, taking each word with a flinch. “I know you did. And I’m sorry. I care about the argument because you got angry with me! And I don’t want you to be angry with me, is that too much to ask? He did love me, don’t even fucking start that. You don’t get to punish me because you’re hurting. That isn’t fair. I’m trying to be your friend. It’s your own fault if you don’t let me.”

“Get out of my room.” She was too exhausted to fight, or think. “I’m not doing this today.”

[clarissarh-blog]

car-a--madison:

“I don’t… understand. What don’t you care about? The… argument? Are you alright?”

“No, I’m not fucking alright! My friends are in other institutions and I just had a baby cut out of me! All you care about is a stupid argument because you’re carrying a sociopaths child! Cole never loved you, he couldn't love you. He was sicker than all of us. Get the fuck out of my room!”

[clarissarh-blog]

morganstonedx:

Morgan chuckled uneasily, knotting his fingers together. “Well, I am new. So that explains that. Didn’t I have a red slingshot?” He finished with a question directed toward himself.

Clarissa sat up to face him. “Okay, pal. Usually I’d be all sunshines and rainbows to a new person but I just had a baby cut out of my stomach a few days ago. Either give me an interesting conversation or leave.”

[clarissarh-blog]

car-a--madison:

“I’m sorry… I just wanted to check on you. Make sure everything’s… okay. Are you still mad at me?”

“I don’t care about that shit, Cara. Who cares? No one does. I don’t care.”

[clarissarh-blog]

morganstonedx:

“Oh. Sorry, so sorry! Um, have you seen a slingshot? I thought I had it a minute ago. Or maybe that was a memory… I can’t remember. Did I ever have one?”

“I don’t remember seeing you at all.” Clarissa turned her head away from them. She’s been irritable all week.

[clarissarh-blog]

“I’m trying to take a nap. Why are you bothering me?”

[clarissarh-blog]

flashbacketh:

“We have tried! Do you remember what happened? I do! Pretty damn vividly, Clarissa. Every single time I’ve tried something, no even just with you, I’ve had an episode. Do you know what it’s like reliving what I went through? It’s the worst feeling.” He shuddered, biting his lip harder until it bled a bit. Ethan moved away from her and took a deep breath “You are pretty.”

“You have to keep trying until it becomes easy. Isn’t that what the shrinks keep saying?” She shook her head at him. “I have to get out of here.” Clarissa couldn’t keep looking at him, or be in the same room as him. He didn’t care enough about her to try anymore. She was being a hypocrite but refused to admit it.