It’s been a while since I’ve wrote about anything I’m feeling. I use to write all the time about every small thing that was happening to me. As the years past I started seeing myself as weak for not being able to handle anything on my own. The fact that I had to write a blog post to deal with my emotions felt stupid and pathetic. I couldn’t be the stereotypical depressed kid anymore. I had to be stronger like my friends who I knew had a tremendous amount of pain and uncertainty to carry. So I started bottling it all up and pushing it down into a small small box.
I broke about two years ago. I built this half-assed fortress out of twigs and put on a new persona. I carved out a door and let some people walk in...And I saw it all come apart. It wasn’t even a piece by piece scenario. The whole place lit on fire and was out within hours. There I was just lying on the floor, just as alone as I felt at 14. I drank a lot to forget and pretend that this wasn’t me and this wasn’t happening. My walls weren’t there, I was exposed, so what else could I do to protect myself from the reality. I guess I thought I got better. After that year was over, I watched those people walk away and shoved some away. And I rebuilt a stronger home for myself with strict rules to not let that ever happen again.
I just haven’t been feeling as strong lately. A lot of things aren’t in my control anymore and there’s no stability any where. I feel like I’m putting out flash fires every day. Things are just getting so messy. And I’m tired of pretending.
