learning as i go

writing like someone's listening

[cloudedconscience]

But you can't feel what i feel. You can sympathize, understand,show compassion but feel my pain?No.You suffer and so do understand you.You comprehend my pain,but you can't feel it.

--taste of cherry

~Abbas Kiarostami

[cloudedconscience]

They say that with time, all wounds heal. That with time, we forget. That with time, everything becomes okay again.

But why didn't that happen in her case?

Her death has left me half alive. My life has remained incomplete ever since.

Those people lied.

Nothing became okay after she left. Even time abandoned me, just like she did, the very thing that was supposed to heal me.

Her innocence, her love, her singing, the stories she used to tell, it's all gone now.

Time let go of me, and so did she.

And now, this hole in my life, the space that belongs to her, will remain forever.

Those people lied. They were wrong.

[cloudedconscience]

Even if the real world denies me you, in dreams..we will still meet.

If silence rules our waking lives, then in dreams, my heart will finally speak to yours.

If I cannot behold you in this life, then in dreams, your presence will find me.

If reality never lets you call me yours, then in dreams, I will still belong to you.

And if distance keeps us apart in truth, then in dreams there will be no space between us

[atramentumnoctis]

This is my digital altar A living archive Not a performance, not a plea I don’t post for eyes I post to exorcise I am not searching for anyone This space is not an invitation It is a record A ritual A diary carved in code Enjoy it or don’t It will keep existing either way

[cloudedconscience]

As the eldest daughter in my family, I often find myself wishing I had an older brother. Growing up, I was always the achiever, the daughter who topped her classes and the child my parents never had to worry about. But even as a child, I never truly felt like one. I was always very self aware and felt things deeply. There was constant pressure on me to do well in academics, behave perfectly, and set an example for my younger siblings, and I accepted it because being the eldest meant it was my duty. When I reached high school, I made some reckless decisions just to feel something beyond that responsibility, and although they left me with regrets, they also taught me a lot. Now that I’m an adult, the weight of responsibility feels heavier than ever. Sometimes I feel like I have become the man of the family after my father. In moments like that, I wish I had an older brother who could carry some of that weight so I could relax for once and not worry about everything. Being the oldest child often means growing up too early, and sometimes I just wish I could feel like a child, even if it’s only for a moment.

[cloudedconscience]

Human beings are like this by nature. Even when we have something, we are still in search of something better. A rich person wants to be richer, and someone who already has something still wants a better version of it. This is human nature. But love is a big word. Can we really place it in the same category? I don’t think so. Because I believe you fall in love only when you are certain, when you are not searching for anyone else. It is where your inner child comes out, where you feel at home, where compassion and mercy exist naturally. It is when you see flaws and they do not affect you, when they stop mattering, and all you can see is beauty.

[cloudedconscience]

She once kept a bird inside the house for me.

I was little and I loved birds deeply.Every morning, they gathered on the terrace.My grandmother and I would scatter rice for them and quietly watch as they came together. Each day brought new birds...different colors,different kinds and I was endlessly fascinated by their beauty.She noticed that love. One day, when the door of our house was open, a small sparrow flew inside. My grandmother gently closed the door and called my name,her voice full of excitement.When I came,she smiled and said, “Stay as long as you want.”I felt so happy.I tried my best to play with the bird,to be close to it but after a while,it flew away through the window.

Back then,I didn’t understand what that moment meant.I didn’t see the care behind her actions or the love that made her do it.Now,whenever I think of it,my eyes fill up.Everything I once took for granted was a quiet blessing one I only recognized much later...

[cloudedconscience]

And I’ll marry you

in spite of my homeland.

And I’ll travel the world with you

in spite of my homeland.

And I’ll build a future with you

in spite of my homeland.

And when you ask me why,

I’ll hold your hand and say:

“Because you became my homeland”

[cloudedconscience]

And ill write it down on paper so I won't say it..i can't say,i wish you weren't leaving,i wish you'd stay,stay forever..

~from a fairuz song.

[cloudedconscience]

I used to cry over everything.The smallest things could break me. i cried until my tears felt endless. And i finally said to myself, I Won’t Cry, no matter what.I miss my grandma, but i won’t cry. my friends drifted apart, but i won’t cry. i feel nervous, insecure, my heart races, i can’t breathe properly, yet i still won’t cry. I won't let my grief turn into an ocean of tears..i feel imprisoned, but i’m learning how to be strong until the day i can finally uncage everything i’ve locked inside and release it all, freely, without fear, and finally be free.

[cloudedconscience]

Give me the olive leaf from your homeland,

And i"ll lay before you my gardens of apple trees

Give me a piece of your heart,

and I’ll build my homeland in you.

[cloudedconscience]

Why am I always someone’s option, never their choice?Why am I not the one they choose, the one they stay for?How does it feel,I wonder, to be someone’s only...their one and only?Why do I keep losing...in friendships,in fleeting connections,even among family?Why does no one see me?Why do I fail to be enough?Why am I always the almost, never the always?

[cloudedconscience]

I keep it in all day, and let it drown me at night when no one’s watching

[cloudedconscience]

I didn’t feel the flood of grief when she left me. Maybe because I’d already lost her two years earlier, when her eyes no longer recognised me. When the time came, I only lost her body ,the real her had gone for a while. In that moment, I just wanted someone to hold me in a long endless hug, to make it all disappear .Later i carried on like nothing had changed, smiling, laughing, living my life, but the emptiness never left. Grief isn’t always in tears, sometimes it’s living your life knowing she won’t do those little things for you anymore: slipping coins from her small pockets, handing me fruits she’d grown in her garden, hugging me when I came home,kissing on my forehead.She gave the best longest hugs, and that day..the day she returned to her creator i needed one more than anything..that long hug… that long hug..