cocooned breathe

blurred and muted

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Some moments, feelings that are unshakable make their tipping march on the back of my neck. Small brutal strokes. Followed immediately by eyes getting filled with tears to the brim. Four blinks and there they go back down to the bottom of the sinking soul.

Not YET. Not NOW. Save them for the better cause.

Comes what is known as troubled thought, which gets nudged away immediately for the sake of rather stationary state of mind.

Be KNOWN or be GONE. Uncertainties swirl around my barren sienna head like a never feasible Nordic Light.

Light it may be in the mind, but the heart with a heavy bell made with patches of secrets rings the echoed conscience.

Take my hand. Bury my lips. Have me your way. As one heart learned to live in the moment and not for the others.

Troubled are the minds that covet the lasting raw ore, but the ardent guilt is abidingly with mine.

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melancholia_2007

#1. 웨딩 드레스를 입고 골프 코스에서 소변을 넣는 장면이 개인적으로 마음에 든다.

#2. 클레어의 목에서 풍기는 냄새를 맡았다.

#3. "to będzie piękny koniec świata"

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붉은 색이지만 차가운 것

정확히 말해서, 사랑이란 것이 존재하는지 의문이 생겨버린 본인이다.

만약 경험했다고 한다면, 딱 한번. Max가 Carol에게 가졌던 감정이 아닐까? 이루어 지지 않았기 때문에 사랑이 아니였을까 생각드는 것일거라 누군간 얘기했고, 절대 그렇지 않다고 자신있게 말할 수는 없다.  

모두에게 ‘사랑’은 그 들만의 감각과 감정의 고유일테니, 내 사고 속 ‘사랑’이란 어떤 형태일까 그 얇은 길을 걸어가며 생각의 조각들을 모아본다.

사랑이라 불리는 그 무엇이 감성에서 구현되는 것인지, 이성에서 구제되는 것인지 그 출처를 정확히 집어낼 수 없지만 #1. 만약 끓어 올라와 뜨겁지만 짧게 분출되는 것이라면 나의 경우에는 육체적인 만족을 채우고자 하는 욕구에 더 가깝다고 조심스럽게 적어볼 수 있겠다. 

그런 순간들이 있다. 같은 공간 나와 공통된 환경을 인지하고 있으면서도 해석은 지극히 본인만의 개별적 활동으로 소화하고 있는 누군가의 뒷 모습 또는 옆 모습을 보고 있자면 그 자가 여성이든 남성이든 가족이든 노인이든 또는 모르는 자든 차별된 우리의 경험을 공통적인 감각으로 둔갑해줄 촉각을 그/그녀와 재생시키고 싶어진다. (생략)

(생략) 그 외에도 상대만 따져보아도 불순하여 차마 적지 못하는 욕구들이 이기적으로 고개를 드는 순간들이 있다.    

#2. 만약 인간의 세계에서 영원한 것은 없어 사랑이 고귀한 결정체가 아닌 나약한 감정에 불과하다면 오히려 사랑은 그 추상적인 명목을 내세워 관계에 들어선 뒤로 오랫동안 공존을 지속해나갈 수 있는 상대를 찾는 극진히 과학적이고 이성적인 과제일지도 모른다.

그치만 #1 도 #2도 생각할 필요나 여유도 없이 빨려 들어가 듯, 한 타인이 나의 세상의 전부가 되는 그 한계적인 시간 안에서의 개인적인 경험 자체를 사랑이라 부를 수 있는 것일지도. 

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leviathan.

this is a documentary film, broadly speaking, about fishing industry. but really, this nearly wordless film is all about overwhelming sight-and-sound sensory experience. it was filmed using small bike cameras strapped onto human bodies, thus making what was being filmed not viewable during the filming process. without any plots, the film thrashes us with the sounds and sights created by assiduous movements of the fishermen. gutting fishes. shucking scallops, throwing away the fish guts amidst blood. 

on the final night in ny, i went to watch leviathan. my impulsivity took the best lead of me as usual. i was gonna go alone which probably wouldn’t have been the safest idea. thankfully tamara joined me to the theater located on a shady street lined up with hard candylike adult-shops. for had been walking 15 hrs/day for 4 days in a row, i fought against my eye lids throughout the whole movie. had known that watching this film at such late hour could cause high chance of missing my bus to washington d.c, would still have done the same. i wasn’t all that surprised to find myself on the bed of my friend’s fashion school dorm only 10 minutes before the departing time of the bus. my lips gently moved and made sound of ‘fuck it’ and there i regained the sweetness of overdued sleep.  

although leviathan lost its grip on me towards the end, i have never seen anything like this before for sure.

[cocoonedbreathe]

wayne thiebaud - new realism   

associated with pop art movement. i very much prefer the reclusiveness of objects in his painting from any possible things that could have been painted in the background. 

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정원에 그가 들어서고 파괴하기 시작하자 마른 하늘에 천둥이 쳤다. 단 한번의 울림뿐이였고 여린 비가 아주 짧게 그 뒤를 따랐다.

블라인드 사이로 내려다 본 바깥은 화창한 맑은 오후였다. 그 천둥 소리를 들은 것이 나만이였는지 물어보고 싶었지만 그러하지 못했다.

반석이 깊은 물 속으로 가라앉고 탐횡이 그 공간을 채웠다.

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remained untitled

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the beales of grey gardens.

a documentary film made in 1975.

big edie, 79. little edie, 57, an eccentric mother and a daughter.

lived in garbage-ridden 28 room mansion together as adults for 29 years. had over 50 cats that urinated and defecated inside the house. fed white bread to an invader, raccoon, up in the attic. little creatures roamed around the house and wastes including that of human were found in rooms.

big edie was glad that “somebody was doing something they want to do” when one of her cat urinated behind her portrait. through her crooked glasses, big edie had to keep her daughter in sight every minute.

little edie, a beautiful girl lost in time, talked about what red shoes on thursday could do to you. loved to wear her skirts upside down and tied up the skirt hem around her waist.

i love their style, hair (scarves), taste, legs, boobs, and unconventionality. oh the unconventionality that they portrait.

one little secret: there is a rigid reason why little edie always covers her hair. - in her early 30s/catalpa tree/cousin john. 

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3.13.2013-3.21.2013

trip to new york and washington dc.

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today i found my dream honeymoon place. 'home' is what the burners call it.

this mesmerizing annual festival has been held at black rock desert, nevada since 1986.

the city gets built and occupied with over 60,000 people for a week, and burnt down at the end of the week as if it never once existed before.  

people with same wavelength sharing their true inner selves with each other. serendipitous human interaction that we deadly crave in our daily life.

nope, it’s not an utopia. as an interviewee mentions in the documentary, its pointless to discuss possibility of perfect society when we can’t even find a single perfect man. however, the place certainly is dangerously attractive.

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egon schiele - expressionism.

umarmung (embrace)_1917, the top one, is my favorite drawing among those of egon schiele’s. in my opinion, the theme of his drawings is 'potential penetration'. his drawings are effusive covered with wan moans.  

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truth is heavy and sometimes it could take you deep down. coming back up for mundane sweeter air, or staying down to learn to dive is up to you. but the truth remains either ways.

three thousand and five hundred wilting hearts. carved unceasing pain of having been abandoned and forgotten in their bones. empty stomaches, unbearable coldness, but more than anything loneliness were coaxing them to sleep.

sorry is not the word they want to hear. they await sincere touch to come turn the lamps back on in their eyes. a light that would free them from the internal collision of trust and hatred.

their unsettled gaze echoed a thin earnest request ‘remember us’.

at pajoo abandoned dog shelter_jan 27, 2014

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it was a slow-paced monday with constant snow obliterating silent streets. aileen and i quietly strolled along two towns -samchung and insa- to see what was once unseen. in a narrow corner that we almost missed, we came to a stop standing still for these frozen flowers near the entrance of a closed wedding jeweler’s.

'the winter came a tad too early. i am sorry you were forgotten'.

they whispered back,

'i guess we all have a place to belong whether we like it or not'.

the vivacious silhouette of what they once were aglowed their nervous charm. and it made my heart hollow.

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coexistence with succulents in my room (since nov. 2013)

#1. one early november morning, i realized how bare my room was. nothing in the room other than my memorabilia from the states contained livelihood. for irrelevant matter, my mom and i experienced unpleasant ordeal that same morning. so we drove down to a florist’s near cheonggye creek. there i gingerly picked these petite friends in various shapes of nature. i brought them home, allowed them a rest over night, giving space for affiliation to their new environment. the following day, i had a pleasant time studying each shape of the succulents and matching them with random out-of-use verres such as a lid of a teapot, a candle cover, bottles of a peach jam and an apple juice, a pair-less shot glass, a built-in tea strainer, and many others that have been collecting dust for several years.

#2. my oldest aunt of bang family invited everyone over to her house for my dear grandma’s birthday dinner. there i encountered with my aunt's wonderful succulent garden on the front porch. i was truly in awe of the small wilderness and the happy vibe those plants were signaling. my aunt gladly parceled out some of the tiny ones to me. i hopped and hummed all the way back home that night.

it’s delightful to start my day inspecting them closely to find fresh young leaves, moving them near the biggest window in our house to provide at least three hours of good sunlight, and after sunset to bring them back to my room to keep them warm and cozy. they bring precious peace and joy to my everyday.