gracie abrams
Misplaced Lens Cap
Interview Vampire Daily
$LAYYYTER
Sade Olutola
NASA
hello vonnie
bliss lane
#extradirty
The Bowery Presents
RMH
if i look back, i am lost
todays bird
EXPECTATIONS
Origami Around
Cosmic Funnies
untitled
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Monterey Bay Aquarium
sheepfilms
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from Italy
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from Nigeria
seen from Malaysia
seen from India
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from Ireland
seen from Israel
seen from United States
seen from Costa Rica
seen from Bolivia
seen from United States
seen from United States
@collapsedglasshouses
↳ HI! I'M JAZZ. SOMETIMES I WRITE, MOST OF THE TIME I WILL YAP ABOUT MY CURRENT OBSESSIONS.
↳ THIS IS AN 18+ BLOG ONLY. PLEASE PUT AN AGE INDICATOR SOMEWHERE ON YOUR PROFILE. IF I CANNOT FIGURE OUT YOUR AGE I WILL BLOCK YOU.
↳ MASTERLIST
↳ RULES
↳ ABOUT ME
↳ FIC RECOMMENDATIONS
↳ TAGLIST SIGN UP
➛ REQUESTS ARE CLOSED ATM.
(calmly and rationally) i will never be normal about anything at all
I don't have to do this alone A creature that found a home
Siempre li per te // Always there for you
For my beloved @collapsedglasshouses for Motionless in White Kinktober 2025 - I kinda hijacked your request a little and made something soft and sweet I hope you enjoy<3 Pairing: Vinny Mauro x f!reader Kink: body worship cw: established relationship, cute streamer bf vinny, protected vaginal penetration, cursing, body worship, Vinny gets ridden!, soft aftercare; if I missed anything please let me know<3
wc 1412 | fic masterlist | taglist sign up || request a fic || dividers @saradika-graphics
It's been a few weeks since you've been home as your job has taken you international for a workshop and conference. With your luggage in tow, you open the front door of your house, heart beating rapidly in your ears. Motionless in White is on break for the winter so you hope your boyfriend is home. Somehow blessed by international flights you were able to arrive home a day early.
Quietly discarding your shoes and suitcases you tip toe to the office where you guess Vinny is streaming. Beneath the long cashmere overcoat is a the most expensive dress you own. A small clothing boutique piqued your interest while exploring the markets with your co-worker and best friend, Sasha.
The second you stepped into the shop; she was shoving this dress into your hands. When you stepped from the curtain of the dressing room, Sasha squealed and the shop owner gasped nearly dropping the garments in her hands. When she recovered, she exclaimed something in her native tongue, but her features mirrored closely to Sasha's.
You stand frozen with overwhelm at the tall mirrors as Sasha and the owner, Allegra dot over you. You find out that Allegra is not much older than you and that this is her first year owning the boutique. She along with her mother and aunts design and tailor each garment.
"How do you feel?" Allegra asks, her voice is soft and flows gently around the words she enunciates, which instantly soothes your nerves.
"I feel like a movie star!" you beam, your hands caressing the fabric at your hips. The fine silk hugs every curve of your body. The color of the garment literally melts into your skin as if it would tailor made just for you.
"Vinny's gonna lose his shit when he sees you," Sasha grins and then explains to Allegra that he's your long-term boyfriend. She adds, (without your permission but it's fine) that you hope Vinny will propose on Christmas.
"Well, you must have it then! I'll even give you a few discounts for being my first American customers!"
Your jaw drops and then your brain readies an excuse to dismiss her generosity, but by the time you've formed any words Allegra has ducked behind the sales counter.
"Look at my bestie getting a sexy dress in Italy! Vinny is going to eat you alive," Sasha winks and then shoos you back into the dressing room.
Holding your breath, you slowly push open the office door. The lights are dim allowing the LED strips to wash the room in a purple glow. You find Vinny sitting in the middle of the room behind his drum kit talking to his computer. Quietly you giggle to yourself as your heart beams. His passion for connecting with people is infectious and a delight to see firsthand.
You slip into the room not bothering with the door, your eyes tracking the monitors to verify that you are out of frame. You freeze in place along the wall right in his periphery. Suddenly, Vinny laughs. A full belly laugh, your favorite sound that makes your heart clench.
"Someone's here? Psshhh, I would have heard, dude," Vinny scoffs, tucking a ruddy strand of wavy hair behind his ear and that's when you spot the crinkle in the corner of his eye. He knows. He caught you.
"Wait, you guys hear that?" He looks off in the opposite direction of you, shoulders tensing. You bite down on your lip hard to keep from giggling. On the monitor the chat explodes in suspicion.
Vinny stands up nearly knocking over his drum throne and then stares straight into the Webcam. "Oh shit there's a ghost!" He yanks the cord disconnecting the video. There's a fury of messages asking what's going on. His dismisses all of them and then ends the stream.
"Don't worry about them," he huffs a laugh before raking his hand through his hair. His gaze narrows, drinking you in.
"So I'm the little ghost?" you quip, raising a questioning eyebrow.
Without warning, he closes the distance between you. His hands come to rest on the collar of the coat and he leans in, "An elegant spirit come to possess me." His voice is low and breathy. A shiver crawls down your spine. He kisses the crook of you neck and then delicately unbuttons your cashmere overcoat. Vinny practically purrs at the sight of you in the dress. "Looks like Italy loved you."
Together you discard the coat. Vinny takes your hand and twirls you around. A laugh erupts from your throat.
"You are so gorgeous," Vinny mumbles against your bare shoulder as he unzips the dress. His hands are gentle and when he tugs the thin straps down your arms. In one fluid motion, the dress falls to the floor leaving you completely bare. Arousal heats your core, the familiar ache between your thighs pulses with every sway of your hips as you approach the bed. You hear the rustling of belt buckles and fabric fall to the floor.
"Your throne awaits my queen," Vinny's lust drenched rasp sparks something powerful within you.
Quickly, Vinny readies himself for you, rolling on a condom and slicking his hard cock with lube. You've waited so long to feel him again. So many lonely nights in the huge Italian hotel room.
His gaze flicks up to yours. "I haven't touched myself since you left," he confesses.
"I haven't either." The words barely leave your mouth before your straddling his hips.
The familiar scent of his cologne grounds you, anchors you to him as you slowly sink onto him. The stretch of him burns only briefly giving way to a pleasurable fullness.
Vinny's lashes flutter the moment he bottoms out. He's so pretty, large green eyes hazy with lust and adoration. You can't help but smile and caress his jaw where patches of stubble have made their home since you were away. Leaning forward slightly you pull him into a soft kiss. Vinny moans against your lips, his hands roaming over your sides until they land on your hips. He kisses you deeper while using his hands to grind you back and forth. Every touch of his lips and thrust of his hips is unhurried despite the aching and heat in your core. His ever-present fingers dig a little deeper— a little more desperate.
When you start to feel a little floaty, you force your eyes open and then gently push Vinny back onto the pillows. "God, I missed you so fucking much." You pant, gasping for breath. Planting your hands firmly on his chest you tilt your hips forward and then slowly lift and lower yourself until you find the perfect rhythm. Vinny matches you almost instantly with each thrust.
"Shit, oh my god babe," Vinny blurts out. "God, you feel amazing. Fuck."
You can't help but dig your manicured nails into his chest earning you a deep groan and a curse from Vinny's bitten lips. Suddenly, he pulses within your walls a telltale sign he's almost close. A sly grin curves your lips before you tweak both of his nipples.
"Fuck.. fuck off," he huffs but his smile widens mischievously. His grip on your hips tightens and suddenly you're rolled onto your back and somehow, he doesn't slip out. Vinny laughs and then pins your wrists onto the pillows by your head. You're laughing too and immediately wrapping your legs around his hips. The thrill heightening your arousal even more and then he slams into you hitting the spot that makes you see stars.
"That's it sweetheart come all over my cock." The rasp in his voice and his desire catapult you over the edge. Your legs tense as you clench around him.
"Vinny!" you gasp.
"Oh my god," his voice falters slightly. His pace quickens as he pounds into you, skin slapping desperation as Vinny chases his own climax.
"Shit I-I'm coming," he pants.
"Come with me baby," you whine back arching, lashes fluttering closed as your climax washes over you. Together you both sigh coming back down to earth. Vinny pecks a quick kiss to the corner of your mouth before parting to the bathroom. Barely conscious in your blissed out state, you hardly notice Vinny cleans you up and then tucks you. Moments later he slides into bed with you and kisses your hair. Before sleep overtakes you, he whispers, "I love you."
thank you so much for reading!💜
@sallyba3 @dragoncopper @sitkowski @lacy1986 @dominuslunae @ferduttini @sorrowsofsilence @rumoured-whispers @philomenie @lobolocaamo @th4t-em0-k1d @the-ancient-fae @99png @theservantbones @mysticdoodlez @ami-gami @dunnkop-bo-eng
see the top of the post if you would like to be added to the tag list<3
I LOVE IT. TYSM🖤🖤
We could sit in the car listening to music & talk for hours & i’ll be happy
normalise saying ''what the fuck is wrong with you'' to mean people
a sort of christmas miracle ✯ noah x reader
word count: 2.6k
warnings: none
note: @pastelsswirlvangogh and i talked about how cosy noah looked in that one picture with the fan and the nicks and it spiralled into this. happy holidays <3
Noah looks especially cute all wrapped up in his coat.
This tour had made your crush on him about ten times worse. You’d tried your best to push it to the back of your mind. You’re friends first and foremost — Noah has never made any kind of indication that he’s even remotely interested in you. Risking the friendship you have with him and the others over a foolish little crush just doesn’t seem worth it.
They’d played the last show of this tour the night before, and as a group, you’d decided to only fly back home after the weekend. The boys wanted to actually see some of the places they were visiting this time around.
You’d briefly split up earlier in the day. Nick, Noah and you had gone to the Rijksmuseum after hearing that the group that went earlier enjoyed it a lot. Nick had abandoned you at some point, leaving you and Noah to wander through the halls on your own. For a moment, you had allowed yourself to imagine that you’re more than just friends.
Noah makes it so easy to let yourself imagine that you could have more with him. For the first few years of your friendship, Noah had been somewhat reserved, always keeping a healthy distance to you. But now a few years later you’ve become a fixed part of his circle. Now you get to see the Noah only his friends know, the deeply affectionate boy who loves his friends with his whole heart. Now you get to enjoy the warmth of his arm thrown over your shoulder.
After a morning in the museum, the group had reconvened for lunch, before you’d found yourself dragged off to a record store by Nick and Jolly. The album you pick out for yourself is nice, but between the stacks and stacks of records, you find something you know Noah will love. He’s been talking about wanting to get more physical media, and a soundtrack you know he loves will be a perfect place to start.
When you finally meet up again to let the evening ring out on the Christmas market, you’re about ready to tuck in for the night. But you’ll stay out for a while longer.
Noah’s in the middle of a conversation when you rejoin their group. He still flashes that pretty smile of his towards you. You give a little wave in return and weave your way through the crowd towards him.
“Bought out the whole store?” Noah asks, turning towards you.
“Almost.” You reply, “What did the rest of you get up to?”
“Matt found a music store he wanted to check out. We had to drag Folio away from the kit with two kick drums. I think he might make demands now.”
Something tells you that before long, Folio will get what he wants — no one can say no to him for too long.
You wrap your coat around yourself a little bit tighter, trying to ward off the chill that is slowly creeping into your bones.
“I told you to take the gloves, didn’t I?” Noah quips with that annoyingly cocky grin on his face.
“You did.” You reply, “But it also wasn’t this cold earlier.”
He shakes his head with mock disapproval. Without saying more, he takes your hands between his, rubbing them to bring a little bit of warmth back into your skin.
“For someone who keeps complaining about how cold they are, you don’t take a lot of precautions when you go somewhere….cold.”
The playful tone makes you swoon a little, and you have to force yourself to snap out of it again.
After a couple of minutes of that, he releases your hands again. And you think that that’s the end of it, but then he reaches into one of the pockets of his coat. He produces what you quickly recognise as your rolled up gloves from it.
“There you go. Don’t say I don’t think of you.” He says softly, “Can’t let my favourite person be cold.”
Favourite person.
You pull the gloves on, and a part of you still craves the warmth of his hands.
Your group wanders between different booths for a while, picking up food and drinks here and there. You steal some of Nick’s fries, and in return you offer him a sip from your warm apple cider. Throughout the evening, you keep feeling Noah’s eyes on you, always lingering for a little bit longer than should be normal for friends. You’re sure that you’re just reading too much into it.
It’s nearing ten when the exhaustion and cold really get to you. You sidle up next to Noah, trying to siphon off some of his warmth.
“Still cold?” He asks, quiet enough so that only you can hear him.
You nod, putting on a little bit of a pout.
Noah pulls you in for a hug. What you don’t expect is for him to fiddle open the zip of his coat so that you can soak up even more of his warmth.
You always underestimate just how warm he runs. The fabric of his sweater is soft against your cheek. Your mind instantly eases when he holds you like this. For a moment, you let yourself forget that you’re in the middle of a crowd in a foreign city halfway across the world from where you live. For a moment, all that exists is the two of you.
“You wanna head back to the hotel? It’s been a long day. We can watch a movie if you want?”
“I can go back on my own. I don’t want to drag you away from your friends.
“Our friends. And I’m not going to let you walk back alone.” Noah says firmly, “If you’re going back to the hotel, I’m coming with you.”
You last a little while longer, before Noah makes the announcement that he’ll walk you back to the hotel. The size of the group meant that you had ended up with a room of your own, which you honestly were pretty thankful for. You love these people to bits, but having a little bit of privacy after being stuffed into the same cramped spaces for weeks is more than needed.
“Do you – still want to watch something together, or are you ready to call it a night?” Noah asks as you walk down the hallway towards your rooms.
“I could be convinced to watch an episode of the show we started.” you say, trying not to sound as if you’re desperate to keep him at your side.
Noah stops in front of the room he’s sharing with Nick, “Sweet. I’m gonna hop under the shower and be back with you in a moment, okay?”
You have enough time to hide the record in your suitcase and get changed into something comfy yourself, before Noah knocks at your door. He’s changed into his usual uniform of sweatpants and hoodie, making him look even cosier than he did earlier at the Christmas market.
“I found a bag of crackers in Nick’s backpack.” he says triumphantly, holding up the slightly crumpled up bag, “I don’t think he knows that he had them so he won’t miss ‘em.”
You step out of the way, letting Noah into your room.
As you walk behind him, you notice the same brown paper bag that had been stuffed into one of his coat pockets earlier. You can’t help but wonder what he’s up to again – surely he’s not done the same thing you have.
Noah makes himself comfortable on your bed, spreading out like he usually does. You settle down next to him, staying an arm's length away.
“Oh, before I forget — I got you a little early Christmas present.” He picks up the paper bag, “I saw this in the window of a book store while we were on the way to that music store. Matt said you don’t have this one.”
You scramble off the bed then, “I have something for you too! I was going to wait until Christmas, but if you’re starting early — it’s only fair that you get something too.”
Noah looks at you with a softness then that almost knocks you out. You know that he isn’t the biggest fan of receiving presents. He’s the first person to say that he doesn’t need a birthday present, but when he’s then handed something, he always gets a little emotional.
You wait to open the bag until Noah is looking into his.
“Oh wait, is this — that’s the soundtrack for the first season?” He marvels, “I didn’t even know they put that on vinyl.”
“I saw it in that store Nick wanted to go to. Thought this would be a good thing to start your collection with.”
He turns the record around to look at the track list on the back.
“I don’t have anything to play it on.” He says after a few moments, and you’re sure that there’s a trace of disappointment in his voice.
“You could come over and play it on my player?” You suggest.
Noah gives you a smile in response, “That’d be nice. Maybe I could cook something for you in exchange.”
“You don’t have to.”
He sets the record to the side then, before he takes one of your hands into his, “Let me do something for you too. You went along on this tour with us just because I asked you to. I have to do something.”
Sure, you’d come because Noah had asked you. But there’d also been that selfish side of you that had wanted to stay close to him.
“Maybe I came because I wanted to see Europe.” you shrug, knowing that he won’t believe it anyway.
“Sure.” Noah drags out, “Because you couldn’t have gone on your own when it’s not freezing cold.”
He falls quiet for a moment, idly playing with your fingers.
“I’m glad you came with us. It was really nice to have you with us. Maybe you can come with us again when we come back in the summer.” he says suddenly sounding so shy, “Maybe – if you want to – we can stay a bit longer, see more things.”
“Are you asking me to go on vacation with you?” you ask.
“Maybe.”
“I thought you don’t do vacations.”
“Well, technically I don’t see the need, but I think it would be nice – with you.”
Your heart makes a little leap at that. You don’t want to read into it, but it’s so hard not to when he looks at you like this. It doesn’t take an expert to see that he’s waiting for your response with almost bated breath. And deep down, you know that a guy who is asking someone who he sees as just a friend wouldn’t look this nervous about a fairly innocuous question.
“But only if you don’t complain about having to walk too much again.” you smile, harking back to a trip you’d taken a little while earlier.
Noah gives a mock salute, making you smile even wider, “I’ll do my best to suffer in silence.”
“We both know that’s not going to happen.” you quip back.
Within a second you find yourself thrown onto your back with Noah leaning above you. He hesitates and you wonder if he had more of a plan than toppling you.
In a romantic comedy this would be the moment where the main characters finally kiss, but you’re not in a film and you don’t have that kind of relationship. And yet –
His eyes flicker across your face, stoping when they land on your lips.
You bring a hand to his side, feeling the muscles beneath your palm jump.
“Noah.” you say softly.
His focus shifts back to your eyes. There’s a moment of hesitation before he leans down to brush his lips against yours. It’s over as soon as you’ve realised what’s happening. Noah pulls away again so quickly that you don’t have time to react. He practically leaps off the bed and quickly paces towards the other end of the room.
The whiplash of the moment makes you feel a little dizzy.
You watch as he runs a hand across his face, and you wonder if he regrets what he did. His face is wrought up in a deep frown when he turns back to you.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t — I shouldn’t have done that.” he barely manages to look at you when he speaks, and somehow that makes it feel worse.
“Do you regret kissing me?”
Noah thinks for a second, before he shakes his head, “I should have asked if you wanted it first. I’m really sorry.”
You know him well enough, by now, to know that he’s about to worry himself into an anxiety spiral, and really that’s the last thing you want for him right now.
You clamber off the bed so that you can come to stand in front of him, “How about you ask me again?”
“What?”
“Ask me if I want to kiss you.”
He swallows a breath, “Do you want that? Kiss me, I mean?”
You pull him down by the collar of his sweatshirt, not giving him a chance to worm away from you. Noah lets out an adorably started gasp when your lips meet again.
“Does that answer your question?”
He gives a doubtful hum in response, and you swat your hand against his chest.
“It does.” he finally replies, with a soft smile return to his face once more, “I have another question for you, though.”
“I’m listening.”
“Do you want to try this? You and me as more than friends?”
“This is probably the most non-committal way anyone has ever asked another person out.” you say, poking a finger against his chest.
Noah grabs your hand then, using it to pull you in against him, “I’m trying you know I’m shit with these things.”
“I know you are, and I appreciate your effort.” you reply, “And yes, I would like to try.”
He leans in to kiss you once again, a little less rushed this time. He lingers close to you for a moment, close enough for you to feel his breath fanning out across your skin.
This feels right.
“And now look at your present. I need to know if Matt was full of shit or if he was actually helpful for once.” Noah says suddenly, snapping you out of your little moment.
The rest of the group is already gathered around a table by the time you and Noah enter the dining the following morning.
He gives your hand a tight squeeze as you come into view of your friends.
Noah only lets go of your hand to pull a chair out for you. He sits next to you, hands wrought up in his lap to hide how fidgety he’s been all morning. It’s been an absolute delight to watch him try to keep his hands off you. It feels almost as if he can’t stop himself now that he’s officially allowed to share this kind of closeness with you.
The group is silent except for the quietly grumbled good mornings you all exchange.
You’re about halfway through your coffee when Folio finally speaks up, “So did you two finally figure your shit out?”
Silence spreads around the table.
You look over at Noah, just to find him already looking at you.
Neither of you speak up, but the looks you exchange seem to be enough for your friends.
“Fucking finally.” Folio exclaims then, “Nick, you owe me ten. You too Matt.”
The table breaks into a mess of laughter and complaints then, but the noise fades into the back as Noah brings his hand to your knee. You watch as this revelation quickly becomes something normal, and your friends return to their previous conversations.
You drop your head to rest against Noah’s shoulder.
This is exactly where you’re supposed to be. With these people and this boy who makes everything feel so much lighter.
taglist: @lacy1986 @worldofashton @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @theanarchymuse95 @fadingangelwisp @sitkowski @sorrowsofsilence @ladyveronikawrites @ami-gami @malice-ov-mercy @super-btstrash-posts @tosoundlessdarkistare @dominuslunae @ferduttini @pipidoll @collapsedglasshouses @concretejunglefm @sallyba3
sorry for always being weird and horny, I would stop but I don't want to
A little Vinny x reader for my beloved @collapsedglasshouses for kinktober🥰 plz enjoy my offering. Holiday stress has me yearning for softness so your request was just what I needed<3
You stand frozen with overwhelm at the tall mirrors as Sasha and the owner, Allegra dot over you. You find out that Allegra is not much older than you and that this is her first year owning the boutique. She along with her mother and aunts design and tailor each garment.
"How do you feel?" Allegra asks, her voice is soft and flows gently around the words she enunciates, which instantly soothes your nerves.
"I feel like a movie star!" you beam, your hands caressing the fabric at your hips. The fine silk hugs every curve of your body. The color of the garment literally melts into your skin as if it would tailor made just for you.
"Vinny's gonna lose his shit when he sees you," Sasha grins and then explains to Allegra that he's your long term boyfriend. She adds, (without your permission but its fine) that you hope Vinny will propose on Christmas.
"Well you must have it then! I'll even give you a few discounts for being my first American customers!"
Your jaw drops and then your brain readies an excuse to dismiss her generosity, but by the time you've formed any words Allegra has ducked behind the sales counter.
"Look at my bestie getting a sexy dress in Italy! Vinny is going to eat you alive," Sasha winks and then shoos you back into the dressing room.
@sallyba3 @dragoncopper @sitkowski @lacy1986 @deathblacksmoke @dominuslunae @ferduttini @sorrowsofsilence @rumoured-whispers @philomenie @lobolocaamo @th4t-em0-k1d @the-ancient-fae @99png @theservantbones @collapsedglasshouses @mysticdoodlez @ami-gami @dunnkop-bo-eng
saw that new Frankenstein movie on Netflix and yeah there's really something about parents "creating" and abusing their kids and then blaming said abused kids for being "monsters" when these kids grow up to be adults with trauma and issues, when all these people with childhood trauma ever wanted was love and gentleness from the people who made them, but all they got was fear and pain, and now they really have to live the rest of their lives with the pain and the fear their own parents inflicted on them (and if they ever express anger in any way, shape or form, they are deemed violent monsters)
I think we should all quit our jobs and write explicit fanfic instead
how the wip i haven’t updated in weeks watches me open a brand new word doc and start a brand new outline for a brand new fanfic:
the full photo deserves to be framed and hung in a museum
ANTIMATTER
pairing: boyfriend!noah x reader
warnings: toxic relationship, arguing, alludes to smut i guess… nothing graphic :)
this was a request from @dreamilyrainyworld!! the prompt was to write a something based on the song antimatter by silent planet (which i'm obsessed with now btw!) where noah and reader are in a toxic relationship and fight constantly but can't live without each other <3 i'm sorry this took so long!!!
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“You gonna tell me to leave?” Noah asked, standing at your front door, his hood up, the porch light making glow in gold.
You didn’t answer that. You didn’t need to. You already answered the second you opened the door to him at 2am, after swearing to yourself again that you were done for good this time.
But here you were.
He stepped inside without waiting for permission. The door clicked shut behind him, and you wondered- not for the first time- why he still bothered to knock when he had a key to your place. Maybe it was his way of asking without asking. Maybe it was his way of knowing if you still wanted him after the things you had said to him tonight.
You walked past him into the living room, switching on the lamp before dropping down onto the sofa. Neither of you spoke as he lingered in the doorway, it was like you were both waiting for each other to speak first.
But then he moved. He stepped into the room, stopping just in front of you, making you tilt your head up to look at him. His eyes were softer than they were in the car earlier, almost like he regretted everything he said. And when they met yours, you felt like you might cry again.
“You said some awful things.” You said, swallowing hard.
“So did you...”
You looked away, staring over towards the bookshelf as you tried to keep yourself composed.
“I didn’t think you’d come back again," you confessed quietly, "Not after that.”
“Yeah,” Noah sighed as he crouched down, now level with you as he carefully placed a hand on your knee. “Neither did I… but here I am.”
[earlier that day...]
Five days. It’d been five whole days since you last heard from your “boyfriend”, though you weren’t sure what the hell you’ve ever been to each other. You’d sent him text after text, hundreds of declined calls and countless voice notes- and he ignored every last one.
So now you were getting ready to go to an event you were supposed to be attending with him (a release party for an album he’d co-written and produced), though you weren’t sure if he’d still want you there. You guessed you could just show up anyway, at least then he’d have to speak to you and explain what the fuck he's been playing at.
So, you slipped on your shoes and waited for the taxi to turn up.
When you got to the party, you scanned the room. You felt a little overdressed but you didn’t care, you wanted to put in the effort just in case that meant anything to him. A few of his friends greeted you, Jesse and Orie, and some other guy you didn’t recognise, or maybe your mind just wasn’t in the right place because you had finally spotted him across the room.
He was there, laughing with Michael like he didn’t have a care in the world, drink in one hand, phone in the other. Then he turned his head and saw you, giving you a smile as he waved you over.
Your brows furrowed in confusion, but your feet moved before you could stop them. Like you hadn’t been losing your fucking mind over him for the last few days, wondering if he was even still alive.
“Hey.” He said, his voice warm as he leaned in to kiss your cheek.
You nodded, just once, because what else were you supposed to do? You didn’t want to cause a scene here, because despite all the fighting, arguing and hurt, you still cared about him and his public image. Whatever was going on between you two was strictly that- between the two of you. Nobody else had to know.
And so you played along with the act.
His arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer as his hand just rested on your hip. And you didn’t stop him.
“You look good.” He said, just loud enough for Michael hear too.
Your blood boiled. You wanted to scream, to shout, to cry-
But you forced it all down, and instead you tilted your head, smiling up at him.
“So do you.” You said, standing on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his lips.
Because everyone was watching.
So you laughed at his jokes all night. You leaned into him. You let him keep his arm around you, like you weren’t screaming at each other last week. Like you weren’t crying over him last night, calling his number over and over, begging him to talk to you.
And he didn’t bring it up at all. He didn’t even ask you if you were okay.
Instead, he just pretended nothing happened, he just kissed you and kept you close.
It started getting late, and people were beginning to leave. You tried not to check the time every two minutes, but you just wanted to go home now. And Noah could tell, he saw the way you slouched in your seat, your arms wrapped around yourself, the way you weren’t really present in conversations.
So he leaned over, brushing a strand of hair out of your face.
“You tired?” He asked softly.
You nodded.
Because that was the truth. You were exhausted. But not just from the party, but from pretending all night.
So he stood, holding his hand out to you for you to stand.
“C’mon, let’s go.” He said, like it was already decided.
But you still slipped your hand into his, said your goodbyes to his friends and followed him out.
He still kept the act on the walk to the parking lot, holding your hand in his, opening the passenger door for you.
But then he got in, and the two of you were finally alone.
You didn’t look at him. He didn’t look at you. He just started the car, and pulled out onto the road.
He kept his eyes on the road, and one hand on the wheel. He didn’t reach for the radio. He didn’t speak.
You stared out the window, fighting back the urge to say something, anything at all. You just watched the city pass by in silence as your heart sank even further in your chest.
Then the words just spilled out.
“Are we still just going to pretend everything’s okay?”
He didn’t say anything, not at first. He just kept his eyes on the road, like he was pretending he hadn’t heard you.
“Seriously, Noah? You're just gonna ignore me?” You scoffed with a bitter laugh, “You do this every fucking time... I want to talk about something serious and you shut down on me like a fucking coward-”
“Well what do you want me to say?” He asked, “That I’m sorry for giving you what you asked for?”
“I asked for space, not to be ignored for days! Do you know how that made me feel? Not a single text in five days? I even had to ask Jolly if you were okay because I started assuming the worst!”
“It’s always my fucking fault isn’t it?”
“Don’t. Don’t do this, Noah.”
“Do what?” His voice was already defensive. “Say what I’m thinking? You want me to just sit here and just nod and take it while you tear me apart again? Just like always?”
“I want to know why my boyfriend disappeared for five days without a word. I’m not tearing you apart, I’m asking for the bare minimum!”
“You told me you needed space.”
“Yes, space,” you said, your voice rising. “Not to be treated like I don’t exist! Not to be ignored, not to be… punished!”
He laughed bitterly under his breath.
“You’re unbelievable." He said. "When I asked for space all those months ago, you kept blowing my phone up, you'd show up at my door, you wouldn't leave me alone. But when I actually give you space, you turn me into the villain?"
“I checked in because I care, Noah!”
“No,” he laughed bitterly again, “You did it because you were scared. You don’t trust me, so you had to make sure you were still watching me every second to make sure I didn’t really leave you.”
You blinked at him, stunned.
“That’s what you think that was? That I can't trust you? That I was just keeping an eye on you so you didn't run off?”
He scoffed, his hands tightened on the wheel.
“If the shoe fits.”
“No, that’s fucking cruel, Noah,” you said, your voice shaking now. “I knew you were in a bad place back then, so of course I wanted to make sure you were okay because I care about you!! Fuck, I can't lose you after everything we've been through! I’ve been here for you since before anyone else gave a shit! I’ve been through every shitty bar you played at before anyone knew your name, every van breakdown, every, every time you swore it was over, so-”
“Yeah, and you never let me forget it.” He snapped.
Your jaw dropped.
“My point is, I checked up on you because I knew no one else would. I stayed when no one else would. And you treat me like this?”
“You act like I owe you my life for it.” He sighed, almost sounding bored.
“I never asked for your life, Noah,” you said, feeling your heart start to race. “I just want a little piece of you that’s mine! Something that isn’t shared with your band, your friends, the fans, your manager, your endless fucking tour schedule. I'm your girlfriend, yet the band always has to come first!”
“The band is my job. It’s my life, I’ve been working towards this for years and you know that. So of course it comes first.”
You swallowed hard, his words settling in slowly, tearing your heart apart.
“So where does that leave me?”
“Second. Third. I don’t know.” His tone was blunt, cruelly honest. “But not first. Not anymore. That’s… that’s just reality.”
You stared at him, something breaking inside you at the words. It's the way he said it so casually, like he’d thought it a thousand times before, like he wasn’t just using it to hurt you like he usually would in fights like this.
“Wow.” You said, slowly shaking your head. “At least you finally said it.”
He looked at you again, and for a split second there was something that looked a lot like regret in his eyes... but it soon vanished, like he was pushing it down.
“You thought you’d always be the centre of my world? We’re not kids anymore. You knew what you were getting into since the beginning, so don't get mad at me now.”
“But you are still my world, Noah. You always have been, and I’m afraid you always will be. And how much of an idiot does that make me when you can just disappear and not even send one text to let me know you're okay? I was losing my fucking mind!”
“You think I’ve got the energy to hold your hand through every bad mood you have?” He shot back. “Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to argue every time you’re around? That’s why I didn’t text or call, and y’know what? For once in my life I finally felt like I had some fucking peace, it was great!”
You were silent, but your glare wasn’t. You didn’t know whether to cry or scream or reach over and punch him. But you tried to keep it down, and it resulted in tears suddenly flooding your eyes.
“I didn’t know what the hell happened to you.” You said quietly, “I’ve been sitting at home alone, wondering if you were dead or if you finally decided you had enough after ten years… and you’re the one who’s exhausted?”
“You’re always so fucking dramatic-”
“No! You’re just so fucking cold, I don’t know why I still put up with you!”
He huffed a short, humorless laugh.
“Because you love this,” he gestured to the both of you, “Us, when we’re like this. Fighting, making up, doing it all over again and again. You feed on it. It’s fucked up.”
You snapped your head toward him.
“You seriously think I enjoy feeling like this? You think I want to beg for scraps of your attention? You're such a dick, get over yourself.”
“Oh, here we go-”
“No!! You don’t get to act like I’m the only toxic one here. You pull away just to see if I’ll chase you, then act like this when I do. That’s manipulation, Noah! Who would you have if I actually left? What would you do, huh? You think those groupies you pretend you don’t fuck behind my back know you like I do? You think they’d stick around if they knew who you really are, what you’re really like? You think anyone else would care about you the way I do? You think anyone else would see the dark, ugly side to you and still stupidly love you?!”
He shook his head, chuckling bitterly.
“Wow… and I’m the manipulative one?”
During all the arguing, you almost didn’t notice the speed of the car had been climbing. But then the engine roared louder, and the streetlights passed by faster, in streaks.
“Noah, slow down.”
He kept staring ahead, jaw tight, fingers wrapped around the wheel.
“I’m not kidding, you’re scaring me.”
“Good.”
That single word froze your blood, suddenly making you feel cold, and sick to your stomach.
“The fuck is wrong with you?”
He didn’t answer. He just gripped the wheel tighter as the speed rose higher.
“Noah, I swear-”
“You swear what? You’re gonna cry? You’re gonna threaten to leave? You’ve been dangling that over my head for years, but you never do it.”
“Pull over.” You demanded, but your voice shook.
“You can’t stand not being in control for five minutes, can you?” He spat. “The second I decide I’m done playing your game, you panic.”
“My game? Are you hearing yourself?” You let out a disbelieving laugh. “You ignored me for five days to start a fight yet I’m the manipulative one? You drive like a fucking lunatic because I finally tell you the truth, and I’m the problem?”
“You’ve always been the problem.” He said.
And the way he said it, so certain, his voice flat, it hit harder than if he would’ve shouted.
“Say that again.” You said, your voice trembling, your chest rising and falling quicker now.
“I said-” He stopped talking the moment he glanced over at you, and saw it. The anger in your features, the tears in your eyes…
“If you actually believe that after everything… after everything I’ve sacrificed for you despite what you put me through, after all the times you’ve hit rock bottom and I could’ve easily chose to leave but I didn’t… then you’re even more fucked in the head than I thought.”
“I never asked for you to save me,” he snapped. “You just made yourself the hero so you could throw it back in my face every time we fight.”
You felt your hands tremble in your lap.
“No, it’s because I love you, Noah! Do you even know what that is?! Because I used to believe you loved me too. I actually thought you saw me the way I saw you. But you don’t, do you? You never have. You just can’t stand to be alone.”
He didn’t look at you.
“I can’t stand to be alone, or you can’t stand to lose? Because trust me, I’ll be just fine.”
That one really hurt, it hit you hard like a slap. Your vision blurred with hot tears, but not in a way that begged for sympathy, you were fucking livid.
“Pull over.” You said, your voice quieter this time.
But he didn’t, he just kept going, his eyes still on the road ahead.
“I’m serious, Noah. Pull over.”
Still nothing.
You took a long, deep breath, holding back your tears as you turned to face him.
“If you don’t pull over, I swear to god I’ll jump out.”
That made him glance at you, finally.
“Don’t be fucking stupid.”
“Oh yeah? Try me.”
Something in your voice, the way there was no hesitation, made him slam the brakes. The tires screeched as the car came to a stop on the side of the road.
And the moment the car stopped, you reached for the seatbelt with one hand and the door with the other.
“What are you doing?” He asked, but you didn’t answer. You just got out of the car, slamming the door hard behind you.
You were already a few steps ahead when you heard the sound of the car door opening and shutting again, and you wiped the tears off your face as you kept walking, not caring about how cold it was, or how long it’d take you to get home from here.
It didn’t take long for him to catch up, and he kept a few steps behind, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to walk beside you or keep his distance.
“Y/n,” he tried again, softer now. “Just get back in the car. Please. I didn’t mean-”
“You did,” you cut him off without looking at him. “You meant every word.”
“This isn’t fair-”
You let out a dry laugh as you stopped walking, and turned to face him.
“What isn’t fair is the way you treat me, Noah!”
Noah shook his head as he let out a deep exhale, shoving his hands in his hoodie pocket as he tilted his head to the ground, like he couldn’t look at you.
A car passed by in the opposite lane, its headlights sweeping across the both of you. You could feel him glance at you in that moment, but you kept your eyes on the pavement beneath you.
“C’mon, you’re overreacting,” he said finally, but it didn’t sound too confident. “We were both pissed. We both said things we didn’t mean.”
“No.” You said firmly, looking up to meet his eyes. “We said the things we had always been thinking. You are not taking them back now.”
His jaw worked like he was grinding down a hundred different replies, but nothing came out.
You just shook your head and started walking again, and this time he fell into step right beside you.
“So now what? You’re just gonna… what, walk all the way home?” He asked.
“Yes.” You replied, without even looking at him.
“It’s an hour.”
“Good!”
“You’re being stubborn.”
“Fuck you!”
His mouth opened like he wanted to snap back, but he stopped himself, running a hand over his face instead.
“It’s not safe out here, not for you to walk alone.”
“It’s not safe in there,” you said, pointing toward the car. “Not when you shout at me and start driving like that!”
That landed, and his expression faltered for the first time since you’d stepped out.
“I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Yes you did.” You said, your voice quiet.
For a few minutes, the only sound was your footsteps and the wind shaking the trees. Every once in a while you heard him inhale like he was about to speak, then let it go.
Finally, he tried again.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
You didn’t stop walking.
"Too late. We're done."
His footsteps stopped, and he had nothing to say to that. He stopped following you, he just stood there until you reached the end of the bridge. Then, quietly, almost unsure, he called your name.
You turned halfway, enough to see him in the corner of your eye, standing there in the glow of a streetlight, looking smaller than you’d ever seen him before.
“This is really how you feel?” He asked, almost bracing himself for the answer.
You turned to look at him fully now, and nodded.
“Yes. It is. After all that, after everthing you've just said to me... I can't do this anymore. I’m done.”
Then you turned and kept walking, but this time you didn’t hear him follow you.
By the time you finally reached your street, your feet ached and your throat burned from holding back tears for so long. The porch light was too bright, making you squint as you unlocked the door, stepping into the cold, empty silence of your home.
You didn’t bother turning on any lights. You didn’t even grab water. You just went straight to your room, shoes still on, then collapsed down onto the bed.
The tears you managed to hold back finally came flooding out, not because you were upset, but because you were so fucking angry, the rage was far too unbearable. Every word he’d said replayed in your mind on a loop, not just what he said, but how he said it too. So casually cruel, with no hesitation at all. He meant it, you knew that was a fact, even if he had tried to apologise after.
Because this is just what you two do. You break each other down until one of you finally walks away- and only then do you realise you never truly meant the things you said, but by then it’s too late…
You looked over at the clock on the wall, 11:48pm. You finally took off your shoes, but your dress stayed on, and you laid with your head on the pillow, staring up at the ceiling.
The silence now was supposed to feel like relief. Instead, it was suffocating.
You glanced over at the clock again… 12:37am. You finally got up to get changed, slipping out of your dress and throwing an oversized shirt on before laying back down. You were exhausted, or your body was at least, but your mind wasn’t. Every time you closed your eyes, you were back in that car, headlights flashing past, the sound of the engine, the grip of his hands on the wheel.
You looked over at the clock again. 1:24am.
You told yourself you’d never forgive him. That you’d never speak to him again. That this was it, for good this time. But underneath it all, there was that little knot in your stomach, the part of you that wanted him to come to his senses, because you knew he couldn’t mean the things he said, not really. You thought maybe he’d send you a text, or call you, but you’ve had nothing. You wanted him to prove to you that he didn’t really mean it…
And you hated yourself for it.
2:03am.
There was a knock at the door, so soft that you were almost convinced you’d imagined it.
But then it came again.
You froze.
He came back. You knew it was him from the way he knocked, two slow knocks, two fast. He’d always done that.
You hated that you didn’t hesitate for long. You pushed yourself up and wiped the tears off your face before rushing towards the door. You could already see his silhouette through the frosted glass- his broad shoulders, his tall frame.
Your heart raced in your chest as you slowly stepped closer to the door, a lump swelling in your throat as your hand rested on the lock… and stupidly, you opened it.
And there he was. His hood up, his eyes dull and full of regret, like he had a guilty conscience. Neither of you said anything for a very long moment, and just as his lips parted to speak, you got there first.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
He was quiet for a second, before replying with,
“You gonna tell me to leave?”
You both knew the answer to that without having to say anything, so he stepped inside. He shut the door behind him as you started walking to the living room. You switched on the lamp and sat down on the sofa whilst he stood in the doorway.
You both had so much to say, but neither of you were rushing to say anything. Sometimes the silence after a fight hurt more than the words, and he could see you were hurt in the way you sat with your arms crossed, the way you stared at the black TV screen.
So he slowly moved, he stepped into the room and stopped just in front of you, making you look up at him.
You swallowed hard, meeting his eyes as you finally spoke.
“You said some awful things.”
“So did you.” He replied, making you turn your head to look away.
That was true, there were a few things you’d take back if you could, but it was too late now. The damage was done.
“I didn’t think you’d come back again, not after that.” You said, finally.
Noah sighed.
“Yeah,” he crouched down in front of you, so he was now at your level, and gently he placed a hand on your knee. “Neither did I… but here I am.”
“Why?” You asked, your voice already shaking slightly, “You made it clear that you hate me.”
“I don’t-” He started, before shaking his head, “If I hated you, I wouldn’t be here.”
You gave a humourless laugh, looking up to meet his eyes again.
“So you don’t hate me, you just don’t like me. Got it.”
“That’s not what I said.” He said flatly.
“No. It’s what you meant.”
He exhaled sharply, his hand still on your knee.
“You twist everything I say.”
“Oh really? How?” Your voice rose. “I ask for space and you disappear for days without a word, then tell me I’m not first in your life anymore, and that I’ve always been the problem. If you don’t hate me then what is it? What exactly am I supposed to do with that?”
He looked away, his jaw flexing.
“You asked for space. I gave it to you.”
“No, we aren’t doing this again!” You cried, standing up in one movement, “All we ever do is fucking fight, and I’m sick of it. That’s why I asked for space, thinking it’d help but it’s only made things worse- y’know what, maybe it is all my fault. Maybe I am the fucking problem! Maybe you’ve been right all along, Noah!” You threw your hands up as you shouted.
His face softened ever so slightly, knowing how he never should’ve said that, because he really didn’t mean it.
“Don’t do that.” He said quietly, making you raise your eyebrows in disbelief.
“Do what?” You snapped.
“Don’t put this all on you. You know that isn’t true.” He said, his hand scrubbing over his jaw, “I said some things-”
“You’ve said everything, Noah.” You were pacing now, hands in your hair. “You’ve called me manipulative, dramatic, exhausting- you made yourself sound like you’re some saint for putting up with me!”
“I never said I was a saint-”
“You don’t have to! It’s in the way you look at me when I’m upset, like you’re already thinking about how to leave. You disappear when I need you most and then make me feel like an idiot for bringing it up!”
“That’s not fair,” he shot back, standing now, towering over you. “You act like I’m out there having the time of my life while you’re home crying into a pillow. I’m working my ass off for us!”
“For you!” You jabbed a finger into his chest. “Don’t pretend this is for me. I didn’t ask for sold out tours and a thousand people screaming your name. I don’t care about the fame or the money, I’m in this for you!! Just you.”
He caught your wrist before you could jab him again.
“You think I don’t want to be here with you? You think I don’t hate that I’m gone more than I’m home?”
“Then why-” Your voice cracked as you yanked your wrist free. “Why do you put it all on me?! Why do you make it so easy to believe you wouldn’t care if I walked away? You make me feel like a burden.”
He stared at you, chest rising and falling hard.
“Because I’m an idiot. I’m under a lot of stress and I take it out on you when I know I shouldn’t, and I’m sorry… just say you don’t want me and I’ll leave.”
You froze.
“Don’t put that on me… not right now, Noah.”
“Say it.” He took a step closer. “Say it and I’ll go right now. I’ll give you peace, you’ll have space, maybe you could find someone who actually treats you right.”
Tears began to fill your eyes again, as you looked up at him with a trembling bottom lip.
“You wouldn’t go.”
“You wanna test that theory?”
The air between you felt thick, your breathing matching his, your chests rising and falling at the same pace.
“You’re such an asshole.” You whispered, your voice still slightly shaky with rage and adrenaline. “I fucking hate you.”
His lips twitched into what almost looked like a smirk, and there was that familiar look in his eyes he'd always have in moments like this, like he knew exactly where this was going. The one that always made you want to both kill him and kiss him.
You’d always end up here after a big fight.
“Yeah?” He teased, his tone of voice almost daring you to push him further, "You wanna say that again?"
Your chest was heaving as you looked up at him and met his eyes, there were so many more things you wanted to say, so many wounds you could reopen, you could carry on screaming and shouting at him until the sun came up... but none of it came out.
Instead, your hands shot forward, grabbing at the soft fabric of his hoodie, and before you could stop yourself you yanked him down, crashing your mouth against his.
It was messy, it full of rage and teeth and anger and hurt... your lips moved together as if you were trying to erase every awful thing you had both said. His hands slid around your waist, pulling you flush against him, and you felt the sharp exhale against your cheek when you gripped the back of his neck.
You broke away just long enough to mutter.
“I still hate you.” Before biting down on his bottom lip, hard enough to taste a hint of copper, and he only growled, kissing you harder, like he wanted to punish you for it.
“Liar.” He said, his voice raspy and rough with lust.
“Shut up.” You hissed as he backed you up, careful not the break the kiss even as you felt the sofa behind you... and before you knew it you were falling onto the cushions, dragging him down with you, your legs locking tight around his hips like a trap.
His mouth still never left yours, and god his hands were everywhere, his rough palms slipping under your shirt, sliding up your sides, splaying across your ribs like he needed to feel every inch of you. You arched into his touch, gasping when his thumb grazed your skin just beneath your bra as your fingers tugged at his hair.
He tore his mouth from yours just long enough to bury his face in your jaw, his breath hot against your neck as groaned a,
"I'm sorry."
You tilted your head, giving him your throat, your eyes falling shut.
"Me too."
It didn’t matter that you both knew the apologies were temporary. They always were. This was how you always stitched yourselves back together, and it was messy, it was definitely wrong to use touch instead of trust, but you couldn’t stop yourselves.
Because maybe this is what made it worth it after all.
You both knew neither of you would ever find anybody else who knew you better than each other. Nobody else would ever put up with either of you the way you both do. This is what you were used to, and maybe he was right earlier, maybe you did love this. It was addictive, but that also made it rather dangerous. It was the way the angrier you were with each other, the more heated it would get later on.
“God, I really hate you.” You whispered again as his teeth grazed your skin, but your voice was softer this time, like it had lost all its meaning.
He smirked against your skin, one hand sliding down to the back of your thigh.
“You hate how much you need me. And I hate that I need you more.”
You didn’t say anything to that. You just pulled him closer, your lips finding his again, the kiss deepening until you were both breathless, until the fight felt like it had happened weeks ago instead of mere minutes.
You shed your clothes, both of you helping each other to undress before taking your positions on the sofa again. It wasn’t graceful, but the two of you never were. You almost tripped trying to drag him back down to you, but then he had you pinned beneath him, skin against skin, and everything clicked back into place. Like none of it had ever gone wrong. Like you weren’t destroying each other piece by piece every other night.
He was always careful with you, no matter how roughly you fought. He kissed you like he was trying to take back every word that had hurt you, like he could erase them if he just kissed hard enough. He treated your body like it was the most precious thing, but you couldn’t say the same about your heart…
“I love you,” he murmured against your mouth, his voice so desperate and raw. “I love you, I swear, even when I don’t act like it… you know that, right?”
You felt your heart stupidly squeeze in your chest, just as his hips started to move. You tangled your fingers in his hair, holding him there, kissing him harder until you parted your lips to speak again.
“I love you so much, even when I shouldn’t, it makes me sick…” You said, breathless.
He groaned into your neck, his voice muffled against your skin.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for everything I said. I don’t mean it, not when I’m angry. You know I don’t.”
“You always say that,” you whispered back, your lips brushing his jaw. “And I always forgive you.”
Your bodies tangled, lips crashing, your nails dragging down his back, he took your bottom lip between his teeth. For a moment, it felt like all the pieces had been put back together, like this was the only time you felt whole. The only time you felt like you were really made for each other. He knew just what to do, he knew your own body better than you, but you were the same with him. That was what made it feel impossible to ever let go.
This was always the apology. Nothing was ever talked out, which is why you’d fight so often. But this was easier than facing the fact that although the two of you needed each other, you weren’t good for each other. Anger and love blurred together so easily, you couldn’t tell them apart. Your heart was beating fast and tears were slipping down your cheeks, though you weren’t sure whether they were from pain or pleasure.
His forehead pressed to yours, your breaths ragged, your lips brushing but not quite kissing as the heat built between you. There weren’t any more apologies, not with words. The way he held you, the way your nails dug into his shoulders- those were the sorries, the desperate pleas for forgiveness.
And when you both came undone, it was like everything you’d been holding back broke loose, it was like falling apart and stitching yourselves back together at the same time. You clung to him like he was the only shelter left in a storm you both created, his face buried against your neck, your name falling from his lips
Everything was quiet afterwards… except for the sound of your synced heartbeats, and your soft breathing. Neither of you were in a rush to move, neither of you let go of each other. You ran your fingers through his hair as he pressed shaky kisses to your warm skin, everything felt so fragile. Neither of you wanted to say a word, neither of you wanted to think about your fight earlier, you just wanted to hold each other, like you were holding the shattered pieces of your hearts back into place- and if you moved, they’d break all over again.
But he carefully shifted the two of you without too much effort, flipping you over so you were now lying with your head on his chest, your legs tangled, his fingers tracing shapes on your shoulder as you let your eyes close, letting his warmth melt away some of the anger that still lingered.
But then, his voice finally broke the silence.
“I couldn’t live without you.”
Your eyes opened, your breath catching slightly from the shock of the confession. You tilted your head just enough to look at him, but his gaze was fixed on the ceiling.
He went on, quieter now,
“Everything I said earlier… it was bullshit. You know that, right? I get mean when I’m cornered. I throw words around without even thinking. But if you ever left me, if you really meant it this time, I don’t think I’d survive it. I was just scared… I thought maybe if I pushed you and made you leave, seeing you walk away wouldn’t hurt as much as it would if I tried to make you stay.”
Something inside you hurt at the rawness in his voice. You hated him for the way he could tear you down like it meant nothing and then say things like this, you hated how you could never hold your ground when he was this vulnerable.
You reached up, brushing a strand of damp hair from his forehead.
“You always say things like that when it’s too late.”
“I know, and I’m sorry,” he whispered, finally meeting your eyes as his thumb brushed over your cheek. “But I mean it. Every word of it… you were right earlier when you pretty much told me nobody else would ever put up with my shit. And you shouldn’t have to either but… I don’t know what I’d do if you actually left.”
You should’ve told him it wasn’t enough. That apologies whispered in the dark didn’t erase the scars he left on your heart. But instead, you leaned in, brushing your lips against his softly this time, and there was no anger now, there was no heat or desperation. Just this weird feeling you've come to know as love.
“Wanna come up to bed?” You asked softly as you pulled away, looking down into his eyes.
It was clear he hesitated, like he wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea or not. His brain was telling him no, because he didn’t know what version of you he’d wake up to in the morning, but his heart was being louder, telling him to stay.
So he nodded, with a soft, tired smile.
You got off the couch, reaching on to the ground for your shirt he’d taken off you just minutes ago, and slipped it back over your head whilst he pulled his joggers back on.
He followed you into your bedroom, joining you under the sheets… you cuddled up to each other, but neither of you fell asleep too quickly. You were just enjoying the peace between the two of you, taking in how it felt to not be at each others necks, to be cursing each other's name and throwing words around like they meant nothing.
So you let him pull you into his chest, you let him run his fingers through your hair as you pressed a kiss to his bare skin, because this never lasted for long... in a weeks time you knew it'd happen all over again.
noah siren sebastian u have done it again
hey do you ever think about —
you should be able to write fanfiction like this
