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Year 10 here we go!!!!!

[chaesong-hwa]

the great divide is like what if you stayed and it haunted you and what if you left and it haunted you and what if you came back and it haunted you

[colorado-wildflowers]

I had a follow up with my surgeon yesterday on the phone and she asked if I would need a refill of my pain meds, and I truly don’t and shouldn’t, but for a split second I considered saying yes anyway so I could hoard them. Then I realized that without a uterus I should never experience the kind of pain I used to regularly be in again… so I don’t need to do that 😭

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My friend Brittany sent me a Lego kit and I ordered another puzzle, a diamond painting kit, learn to embroider 3 piece set, and a latch hook pillow kit. And I have pottery every Friday night until October. I’m about to become the craftiest bitch you guys know. I can’t wait to display all my weird crafts in my eventual apartment someday, lol.

ETA: I also have a paint by numbers kit I bought 3 years ago after my first surgery that I should whip out. Unfortunately, I gave up on my Wooble because crochet is not for me.

[colorado-wildflowers]

She’s out!

No more uterus. After about 10 years of trying to get it out. They found a lot more endometriosis and excised all of it, and my right ovary was once again fused to my abdominal wall with adhesions. That’s how I got two bonus incisions instead of the three I was supposed to have. I stayed in the hospital last night, even though it was predicted to be ambulatory surgery because of how much pain I was in which my surgeon agreed made sense for me to stay because of how much shit she did to me!! But holy shit I’m so glad that it’s out!!

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Already feeling a lot better & swelling has gone down quite a bit!

[colorado-wildflowers]

She’s out!

No more uterus. After about 10 years of trying to get it out. They found a lot more endometriosis and excised all of it, and my right ovary was once again fused to my abdominal wall with adhesions. That’s how I got two bonus incisions instead of the three I was supposed to have. I stayed in the hospital last night, even though it was predicted to be ambulatory surgery because of how much pain I was in which my surgeon agreed made sense for me to stay because of how much shit she did to me!! But holy shit I’m so glad that it’s out!!

[colorado-wildflowers]

Utah Road Trip Leg 2:

Mystic Hot Springs & Goblin Valley State Park

I saw Mystic Hot Springs on Instagram YEARS ago and saved it in my travel folder but it is hours and hours away from literally anything so I didn't know when I would ever be able to make it there. Enter: Salt Lake City trip. It was about 2 hours south of SLC, and we spent 2 glorious hours there completely alone. It wasn't until right when we got ready to leave that two more people showed up. Is this the benefit to going somewhere on a Sunday in a highly Mormon state!? The water was just right, the views were incredible, and the solitude was top notch.

Goblin Valley is another place I have always wanted to go, especially because it is decently close to Moab. But I was always coming from the wrong direction, and it would add hours to the trip I was already on. When I headed out west a few weeks ago, it was too far out of the way for a stop when I was trying to make it to a wedding in a time crunch, and would've probably been too hot for Summit too. This time it just perfectly worked out. It was like being on another planet and I'm so glad we got to go.

[colorado-wildflowers]

Utah Road Trip Leg 1:

The Great Salt Lake, Provo & Salt Lake City

Last week Bobbi & I took a 4 day long road trip to Utah to see a good friend/coworker of hers get married. Bobbi didn't know anyone else at the wedding so she +1'd me (many months ago, pre-breakup, haha) and I'm always down for a road trip so I agreed. The wedding was in Salt Lake City and I've never been there before and always wanted to visit, because I've been to Utah many many times but never up north. Day one we drove straight through so we didn't do much else, but we did go see a huge waterfall in the canyon near Provo where we were staying, and we also had to try Swig for the first time (10/10, dirty soda is crazy). The next day we adventured to the Great Salt Lake which I've always wanted to see, and I was a tiny bit bummed to learn in advance that the crazy color divide you see in drone pictures is only visible for a small window of the year, but it was still really cool to visit! We also just wandered around Salt Lake City and even though Mormonism is not personally my thing, the Mormon architecture is wild and I can appreciate that for what it is and the gardens in the square were pretty top notch as well. The wedding was in the late afternoon, and the bride rented out an AirBnb that had all the services included and I thought that was a pretty cool way to do things.

[colorado-wildflowers]

Put in love, put in hours, put in ceremony As I was, how you were, what was there before me Never mind, never mind, oh, forget about it I'll be good, I'll be fine, I can laugh about it I try to keep on starting over I'm sleepin' in a bed half empty, daydreamin' All love, must leave oh, but search for it I will

[colorado-wildflowers]

I had the fullest day on Monday. A really good friend of mine - who used to live here in Colorado and was actually one of my first coworkers when I started teaching for 3 years - came to visit her mom after surgery and we got to spend a full day together! We went to get coffee in the morning, headed to a local female owned independent book store, and then spent the afternoon at the flea market with her son, mom, sister and nephew. We found so many good things and it made me kind of excited for decorating my own apartment someday soon?? I have never lived in a space EVER in my ENTIRE LIFE that was just mine (and I am 36????). I've always had a roommate or lived with a partner. Anyway. My brain just felt ripe with possibilities. Vintage pyrex baking set. Odd sets of dinnerware. A thrifted bookshelf. Etc.

After that, I went to a women's climbing MeetUp and met some new cool girls and my foot felt ok! Kind of sore, but still ok. I missed climbing so much. I sprained my foot back in February and it's been real touch & go ever since then. I even went to a GYM for the first time (climbing gym) since February with some friends yesterday and led some hard things (11a/b) and I was like: damn, she still got it. I still have technique just um, a lot less strength and stamina.

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Very important camping trip for the soul with a very good friend this weekend which included climbing, a fire, the most secluded campsite we found by accident, campfire karaoke, big big mountains, incredible coffee, a brand new hot spring that neither of us had ever been to, a botanic garden, parrots, and just healing overall.

And don’t worry, Summit had a great weekend too, especially after I’d been too depleted from recovering from being sick in the days prior to get much exercise with him in. He loves daycare and was exhausted and happy to be home!

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Went to a pottery class last night taught by my friend Kate, who I met here on Tumblr like 15 years ago and it’s an 8 week course so I’m actually really excited to see where this goes!! And it was so nice to be around people and distracted for many hours, while being able to create something too.

[colorado-wildflowers]

The final leg of my road trip was to Phoenix, then Santa Fe, then home. In Phoenix, I went to a party with Alex which was really nice to get out of the house and just meet some nice people and have an excuse to look pretty! I brought Summit over to her house because he was very confused about the potty situation (not much grass in Phoenix) and the second day, he let Ben pet him a lot on the couch. Ben might be a dog whisperer. We went to breakfast at Snooze and her friend Tori who I met at Alex’s wedding in February came too because I loved her. When I left Phoenix for Santa Fe after breakfast I had the horrifying experience of witnessing a brush fire literally start (!!) and being the last car allowed through. It was wild to see people trying to put it out with fire extinguishers from their cars and even water bottles (lol @ this idea) and the idea of being trapped next to it, which I briefly was, was absolutely terrifying. Once I made it past and my blood pressure went slightly back to normal, me and Summit did a small river walk in the Tonto before heading into New Mexico.

We stayed at the cutest ~boutique hotel~ and then walked all over Santa Fe the next morning. We walked through the plaza, saw art on Canyon Street, visited the old Mission San Miguel, and even got to go inside the oldest house in America. Then we left for Denver. This drive was uneventful thankfully!

Final trip report: 3,400 miles, 65 hours of driving, 42 miles per gallon (not that great but hey the Prius is 12 years old and she went over MANY mountain passes and drove 90 mph into the wind for a long time of this… haha).

It was a great experience overall and Summit was such a trooper even being in many hotel rooms and in the car for so long. We did many sniffy walks and he loved the ocean and the redwoods. And I ended up with walking pneumonia (on antibiotics now!) from my viral infection going untreated (despite numerous attempts to get Kaiser to treat it, via phone visit and even urgent care!) but hey. Was it worth it? I think so.

[colorado-wildflowers]

I never posted about the final legs of my road trip! They were not quite as exciting as they were a LOT more driving and less doing, especially as it got hotter and hotter. We left San Diego after of course, one more beach visit. I loved the dog friendliness of California beaches so much, and although Summit continued to be afraid of the ocean tide, he loved the beaches and new smells and dog friends he got to meet. I also feel sad saying goodbye to the ocean since I grew up with it, so it was bittersweet this time too.

On the way to Arizona, I stopped at this place with a fire tower lookout. The views of the desert were really cool, and the boulders next door had been carved by the man who built the fire tower. Crazy artwork! The tower itself was wild too, lots of collections as we went up the various floors. I got California poppy seeds from here too which I’m so excited about because they’re my favorite flower. One day I’ll have a yard to plant them in.

[colorado-wildflowers]

On the bright side of surgery, I’m still sick and I’m exhausted from finally getting home last night and I’m ALSO on my period and I just kind of want to lay down and die but then I remembered that if I play my cards right (my next one would start July 2nd so I pray my body decides to not be a bitch and start early) this is the last period I’ll ever have for the rest of my entire life and just. ✨wow✨

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When do I stop waking up every morning expecting him to be next to me? When do I stop reaching for him in the middle of the night only to realize he’s not there anymore? When do I stop wanting to tell him every beautiful thing I see? When does every song stop being about him? When do I stop missing how he felt, how calm he made me feel, how being around him felt like being home no matter where we were in the world? How do I get through the loss of my best friend, my person for nearly half of my adult life? How do I move past the grief of losing someone who knew every single detail about me from my favorite wildflowers to the way I liked my coffee to what to do when I felt sad? How do I rebuild a new life for myself when I believed he would share and witness the entire rest of mine with me?

[colorado-wildflowers]

How lucky are we? It's been a hell of a week and we're all grown now. There's smoke seepin' out of the bar down the street, but we're home somehow.

But really, how lucky am I? To have friends in every corner of the country who love me this much? Who would take me to urgent care, ask me to walk them down the aisle, open their home to me no questions asked any time? Each of whom I’ve known for over a decade, who always feel like home no matter how long it’s been since I’ve seen them? I’m the luckiest person alive.

@brat-squad @flowers-justbecause