so ironic that the whole point of being a drunk was just positive confirmation to give up on people. no one was ever there for me when the weather was fair. though i was too drunk to make sense of it at the time, that was glaringly proven beyond any doubt when i was at my worst. i had been too checked-out for too long to understand that there was nothing to be surprised about, let alone disappointed by. it took a second to get my bearings back and remember that things had never been any different. and until alcohol started running the controls, i had long since made peace with it and understood intuitively that mutual indifference with people was as amicable as it was going to get. i keep telling myself the commitment is about finishing the desensitizing now so i never have to rethink this subject again. get the hard truths out of the way now so there’s not the double whammy of having to confront them once i actually am too-old and worthless. i’m remembering now that i was the only one i could ever count on. i looked out for myself & took great caution to assess risk and avoid pain. i was beyond second guessing the past. things were okay. i lost sight of that being the point. as long as you’re okay, everything else is okay. great is delusion, bad is real. okay is the balance. whether or not people factor into the equation is irrelevant bc okay can be achieved without them. this path was worth it for understanding that. company isn’t intrinsically a gain. the value is decided arbitrarily
pixelskylines
dailybridgerton
janainaart
tangentwithtanner