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For archival purposes, tags are as follows:
#img - posts with images
#txt - text-only posts, no images
#irl happenings - talking about lived experiences
#thoughts - mental landscape stuff, like anxieties or dreams
#my ben - my kittyyy
#meat - pictures or thoughts of my body
#yummers - food pictures
#greenspace - flora and fauna pictures
#donoteat - not safe for work pictures of myself, sexual or unsexual in nature
080326. more interesting interactions today; i thought i wrote them down in the cleanroom but i canāt find the note now. i was doing tpns and noticed i was feeling J, and shortly after that i started dwelling on BH coming home and seeing them tomorrow. knowing theyāll want sex. and i got very anxious and conflicted about the definition of rape, and whether i wanted it, and then i thought See, this is why you let me do this stuff. and then the panic started lessening, and i felt a bit more detached, and for the rest of the time sort of flipped back and forth between the two mentalities like an ebb and flow. we fucked up our task several times in that period because we kept forgetting things
080326. two interesting moments this morning and yesterday where there was a very distinctā¦ āfeelings shiftā.
talked to B yesterday getting off the plane about making plans for december and knew i was āthe other guyā. thought in terms of āweā, said things like āitās my job to Xā. was, again, more blunt and less gentle to her. felt absolutely no affection for D, E, or BH, but understood it as a necessity to show affection to them. felt repulsed at the idea of physical affection.
then got into bed and immediately softened into myself. a soft warm wagging creature.
today, woke up aware of all the things that needed to be done. walked to the dumpster and the coffee shop feeling, again, repulsed and put upon by all the physical affection obligated of me. actively disliked BH. then bought a coffee and had a sip and on the walk back it felt like i bloomed again. suddenly softer, lovier, more anxious. fond of BH and E and actively looking forward to hanging out with them. sang in the car on the way to work.
the difference in internal feeling is so pronounced. i always wondered how the court knew who was fronting. when i am J, when i know my name, i feel a sort of warmth and depth to myself, like a flower in bloom. it comes with love and anxiety. when i am the other guy, those feelings die off and itās all about functionality, defense. no flowers, just stems and roots. all that inner wishy-washiness is gone.
so maybe thereās another guy. is it the same guy as the feeling when we want to do all the thingsāorchestra, new job, etc? are they the same? iām not sure
072826. damn, reallyā¦ really grieving this spider. the space behind my sternumāmy heartāhurts.
072426. morose tonight for no real reason. not empty, though; missingā¦ something. swollen and throbbing like a smashed finger.
person (non-practicing)
072026. i donāt WANT to do therapy today i want to be left ALONE AAAAAAAAAA
071926. my tits are sore. and should be kneaded
071926. possessed by the desire to hop in an rv and leave my whole life behind, drive until i reach them again
071826. summer storms and gusts today, which makes the bird trapped in my chest want to take flight. guess iāll take the highway home.
071826. almost ridiculous how i manage to miss them with every spare moment i have
071826. thinking about the way he held my wrists and marveled at the knob of bone on the outside of each. he was so fond and tender with something that usually bothers me. iām sure he just liked it because it made me look skinny, but iām doing my best to see it warmly, like he did
071826. almost ridiculous how i manage to miss them with every spare moment i have
071626. rrrrrrrr possessed by the driven version of me, which will not let go of the desire to Do More. i want to get back into research so bad. i want to be challenged. i want a fucking doctorate. weāre coming up with a damn 5 year plan to move upward in my industry to make money to spend it all on grad school, and god knows iāll forget it all tomorrow. if iām not going to get to be part of a research lab, can i at least, like, join a symphony or something? synthesize estrogen in my own home? something????
i dont care what the hell you call me, pronouns or name. i donāt want romance or sex. i look on my past traumas with clarity and resolve. i donāt want romance; i donāt want affection. i have claws, retractable; my shoulders feel broad. there is a focus here that doesnāt exist elsewhere
071526. hallucinated the smell of sun-warmed vanilla pine today and was overcome by such an intense longing. i want to be surrounded by pines and nestled in the warm light of a rented cabin. i want to sink into a hot tub and watch my tits float in the bubbling water, watch the snowflakes catch the porch light. this is not a new yearning, but itās the first time itās come with the desire to mate, to be bred, to be treasured. itās like the nesting wires in my brain got crossed with the seclusion wires and created a new emotion: i want you and i to be the only people in the world for miles and miles and miles and miles
071426. love springs anew, huh? they got a tattoo for me today. itās silly; itās just a tattoo from an objective perspective, butā¦ it feels real in a way nothing else has. my mind starts to follow the same path it always does, worn deep and barren into the ground, of āyou are a hobby, you are an extra, you are a growth on the flesh of their love for each other. love that comes from you can never amount to something so beautiful.ā and thenā¦ it stops. because they got a tattoo. because they love me so deeply that they etched a reminder of me into their skin. itās tangible.
it makes me glad. a silly part of me wonders if E would have wanted this. will they wake up one day and stare down at their leg with unease? an even sillier part of me doesnāt care, because B chose thisāmeāand that feels just as worthy of celebration. it feels like victory
071226. it aches deep in my chest. i miss them, i miss them, i miss them
071226. this is not my bed. this doesnāt feel like my home tonight
071226. āapologizing and constantly reaffirming that we will try to do better in the futureā ā ah, if that doesnāt strike a chord. itās awful. i wish i could protect them
