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@complicated-creation
Do I scrutinize my body less now because I have learned to love it, or have grown to love it, or is it because my body is closer to what I've always considered more acceptably beautiful, and therefore it does not invite or call for scrutiny?
I kind of stumbled into my work in Circus and massage, two careers that require Fitness and body awareness. I do wonder if I never discovered circus and kept a desk job, and never started testosterone ,what might my body be like.
Hi, it's me again. Well, not me, but all the voices in my head competing to get out into this post. There's a lot of voices up here. There's a lot of love up here. There's a lot of surviving up here. A while ago, I started to occasionally take medication usually prescribed for ADHD. Suddenly all the thoughts started to look and feel like an Excel spreadsheet. Like, it was all manageable, one row, or column at a time. This drug gives me a lot of relief from the stress of just living in my own brain, and it's a very similar relief that I feel whenever I smoke weed. For once, it feels like I can get one sentence out of my mouth without three other ones trying to come with it at the same time. Both weed and this drug accomplish that, but weed makes me feel stupid and The Other Drug makes me feel capable. Regular. More human? I think it's been over a year now that I've been back to smoking weed everyday and I hate it. I've known for years that it's just a coping mechanism, a self medication, and has little to nothing to do with Recreation or joy or connection, like drugs could or should. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week, my first one, and I'm going to ask for my own prescription of this other drug. I've avoided this appointment and this process for years, out of guilt and shame, and doubting that I knew myself, doubting that they would believe me, worried I'd be seen as someone looking for drugs. I'm just a guy looking for relief. Relief from myself, and some help navigating this processed and curated world that we have to endure with the brains of evolved apes.
And now I've started to wonder, do people notice that I'm on a new drug? Do they think I'm behaving better in community? Do they perceive less anxiety, stress, irritability? Or is it all just my internal experience? And what does it matter? Nothing matters. Because we've invented meaning for every little thing in human existence.
You know, I still occasionally think about what it would be like to not be here anymore. To unal!ve myself. Talk about relief. You mean I'll never have to deal with misunderstanding the curated meanings of Being Human ever again? It's not worth it, I'm not making plans, I'm not even that unwell at the moment. But the thought crosses my mind perhaps once a quarter, or twice a year. Perhaps it's just a flicker of a reminder of the trauma That Built Me and my values today.
I made a little shift recently that has made some big waves in my life. Everyday I've been making an active decision to find more humor and levity in my work, life, and relationships. Even in capitalism and conflict. I now realize how much I've been getting in my own way of being the person that I really want to be, by holding on to thought patterns, negative thought patterns and self-hate, things that trapped me into being the person that I didn't want to be.
I think by definition, every year is a big year. I set goals, I accomplish goals that I didn't even set, I navigate conflict, I start something, I finish something, I leave countless things unfinished, and most of all, I grow. 2026 is yet another big year. And this time there's a lot of agency and autonomy in what happens next for me. I'm opening another small business, and transitioning out of a career that I have loved having for, over 6 years. I guess I get the Seven Year relationship itch with my jobs. But at least I finally figured out how to hack it. I don't have to be career driven I don't have to be defined by my careers, and I don't have to have a job or career that impacts me negatively. Just because my dad, his dad, and the generations before me set an example of workplace and career loyalty does not mean that that's relevant to me or to my path. I can still be a loyal, dedicated person, and bounce around too. Is loyalty and dedication just passion, love, and Trust?
There I go again, making meaning out of sounds, out of things that didn't exist not long ago. Such as life. If we didn't give it meaning, would it be meaningful? Is it okay to have a meaningless life? Is it even possible?
All I know is that I just get to keep doing it for a while longer. and if it's going to be a miserable and challenging environment, I may as well take control of what I can - my attitude.
You know another Lil hack that helped me lately? Asking people questions. That's it. Just asking people questions about what they've said, and actively listening for their answer has changed my feeling of presence and community when I'm surrounded by people. Literally just a clarifying question about their story. It's the structure to conversation my neurospice has needed. My anxiety used to be, and sometimes still is, so abbrasive that even though I am an extrovert, being around people also exhausted me. Even intimate relationships did and still do. My flavor of anxiety takes on the labor of anticipating 17 steps ahead of every conversation, and likes to wonder about 42 different directions any interaction or unstructured group event could go. Not to mention all the competing priorities, goals, and relationships that I try to keep a pulse on at any given time. Do less! They say. I can't. I try. I like to engage. Thank. Create. Move. Idk man. I gotta do things while km young and I still can?? The world has so much to experience and a ton of it is in my own community and backyard??
And my brain does not stop. I cannot tell it to stop. I'm learning to relax and slow down and find more grounding and presence that I want in life (thanks massage practice!) but my brain and body still wanna go go go and I really hope to ride it out on some real adhd meds soon because boy, it's true hell in this brain sometimes. Plz homie doctor psych guy, please help me get these thoughts in order. It doesn't need to feel this bad all the time. I can see that now.
If I get the prescription I want, or anything close, I'm going to finally fucking quit weed again. This daily practice is not the vibe I want. Unfortunately I'm thinking it'll have to be cold turkey and if you've been here long enough you know that comes with suffering for me. But I spent 18 months sober (from both weed and alcohol) before, and that was a past version of me that I liked. So I'm gonna call them back in.
7/24/2026
Are you awake?
yea
sure
no?
unsure
nope
n/a
Love and light, homies.
🩷 ✨
I don't want people to suffer but fuck do I want them to have direct and equal consequences for their actions and behaviors.
Always ~
Unfortunately for me I have a kink for "taboo" and that my friends is why I'll never reach enlightenment and why I might always find smoking a little bit sexy.
Oh WAIT THE LIGHT CHASERS ALBUM WILL FIX ME
https://pca.st/episode/c563f941-e070-4a37-a59a-e570603d68a0
Magical Overthinkers and "Healthy" Relationships
How much do I blame myself, and how much can I blame my environment and stress level and mental health and financial situation????
The Lovers by Jef Joseph Marie Thomas Lambeaux (1852-1908)
I fucked up.
Tired in a way sleep doesn't fix.
i recommend telling yourself “this isn’t an experience i want to keep having” and stop entertaining things that are really detrimental to your health and don’t benefit you in anyway.
Well at least I'm still desirable.
