What poet should I fight?
the short answer is: every poet. but here’s a brief (ok, that’s a lie. this is really long) list i typed up during accounting instead of learning about accounting for inter-corporate investments
John Donne
Who wins: you
look, most of donne’s repertoire is terrible love poems or terrible poems about religion, or both. someone needs to fight him, and you’ll probably win. the only problem with fighting him is that the entire time he’ll just be thinking ‘haha, who wilt be laughing when i livest eternally in the blessed light of the Lord???’ or something so fuck him.
Shakespeare
Who wins: shakespeare
shakespeare was an actor back when actor was one step up from thug, if that. if you fight shakespeare you will lose. the only things you get out of it is the knowledge that you touched shakespeare and the satisfaction of rubbing it in oxfordians’ noses just how wrong they are
Basho
Who wins: who cares?
why would you fight basho? he wrote quiet gentle poems about flowers and seasons. don’t fight basho. jump back a few centuries and fight sei shonagon and she’ll put you down in her list of things that annoyed her
Villon
Who wins: villon
Here’s what we know about villon: he wrote a lot of poetry (where are the snows of yesteryear??) and he did a lot of crime. i know the temptation to fight the french is strong, and the temptation to fight french poets is even stronger. but don’t fight villon. he’ll probably kill you.
Dante
Who wins: you
Dante can’t even get to hell without getting virgil to help him??? dante if a self-respecting poet can’t even go to hell without a guide what self-respect can he really have (definitely fight virgil but the latin poets merit a whole other post on their own)
Blake
Who wins: it’s a toss-up
Really this depends on how buff and sexy you are. not because it’ll help you take him down easier. but given from blake’s loving depictions of sexy satan, i’m pretty sure if you’re swole enough and you flex he’ll be distracted enough for you to take him down easily
Alexander Pope
Who wins: pope
I get it. Everyone wants to fight pope. the guy wrote the frickin dunciad. on the other hand: pope literally poisoned a guy, and then wrote about it, just because the guy kept publishing his poems without permission. don’t fight pope unless you’re willing to sit through days of vomiting and nausea and potential death
Lord Byron
Who wins: byron
Byron also desperately needs to be fought. on the other hand: dude wanted to be an actual soldier and he fought in duels and shit, could probably take you in a fistfight. alternately if you want to take him down vicariously just read ogden nash ripping apart the destruction of sennacherib
John Keats
Who wins: you
Don’t fight junkets. he was a gentle soul, and he died young. be kind.
Wordsworth
Who wins: you
You’ll probably win this fight, considering how much time william spends thinking about flowers. on the other hand: dorothy will never invite you back for tea at their beautiful lake district home again, so is it really worth it
Anne Bradstreet
Who wins: probably mistress bradstreet
PLEASE fight anne bradstreet. her poetry sucks. on the other hand, her reaction to her house burning down was to write a poem talking about how she’s totally fine with it because it’s what god wants. this is a capital P puritan we’re talking about here. there’s no way you come out on top, but someone’s gotta fight her
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Who wins: DOES IT MATTER? (you) SOMEONE FIGHT TENNYSON
reasons to fight tennyson: he’s a member of the british nobility. really that’s all you need but also i hate his poetry
Walt Whitman
Who wins: you, probably
Whitman could probably take you he tried hard enough but really he’s just here to have a good time
Emily Dickinson
Who wins: you
Why would you fight emily dickinson? why would you do that? she’s shy and she likes bugs. she uses - too many - dashes - but that’s hardly a reason to pummel a gal
Stephen Crane
Who wins: crane
crane wrote a poem about some dude in a desert taking great big bites out of his own bitter heart, so obviously hes got some repressed demons here. don’t fight stephen crane.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Who wins: you, probably
Rilke was a sad dude. he suffered, and he thought a LOT of time thinking about death. i mean, i think about death a lot, and rilke almost certainly thought about death even more than i did. so you’ll probably win this fight, but at what cost?
Wilfred Owen
Who wins: owen
look, owen was a fuckin soldier. don’t fight any of the WWI poets basically, they’ve all got ptsd and also lots of repressed anger at the government-bourgeoisie for sending them into battle in the first place
Sylvia Plath
Who wins: no one
here’s how this goes down: you’ll probably kill plath, which was her plan all along. so she’ll be dead, and you’ll go to jail. don’t fight sylvia plath.
Charles Baudelaire
Who wins: toss-up
it depends on how sober he is at the time. baudelaire was a layabout who spent his money on prostitutes and clothes and alcohol. his poetry is good, but anyone who titles anything “spleen and ideal” needs a good solid punch. pull yourself together, man!!! you have like seven STDs!!!!!!
Langston Hughes
Who wins: hughes
all of langston hughes’ poetry is about how the world is terrible to him but he’s still fighting. why would you fight langston hughes?? do you have ANY degree of reading comprehension?
William Carlos Williams
Who wins: you
this is just to say / i have read your poems / with the shitty sexual metaphors / forgive me / they were assigned reading in school / also your apologies suck
Shel Silverstein
Who wins: him
all i know about shel silverstein is from the pictures of him on the back of his books and im pretty sure they terrified all of us when we were young. his feet are SO BIG and he is SO BALD. don’t fight shel silverstein.
W. B. Yeats
Who wins: you
why would you fight yeats? look, the fact that you COULD doesn’t mean you SHOULD. yeats brought the western world gitanjali, yk. if you fight him you gotta fight tagore
Alan Ginsberg
Who wins: who cares
please fight alan ginsberg
Robert Frost
Who wins: you
Frost probably has some experience pummeling people but his adherence to rhyme scheme makes his moves predictable and weak
TS Eliot
Who wins: does it matter?
someone needs to fight eliot. he’s had it coming. so whoever’s going to fight him, HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME
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