You can feel yourself already feeling regret for what you haven't even said, but you still can't stop yourself. As you're saying it you're already backpeddling in your mind, screaming at yourself, thinking about what you SHOULD be saying and what you actually mean to be saying. But these horrible half truths created by hurt are still all that come out. Everything you say in defense of yourself. They get angry, hurt, upset You shut them out More out of guilt than personal hurt at this point, you've already gotten over whatever you've perceived them having done, now all you feel is regret. You expect them to hate you now, arguments like this always leave you feeling guilty to the point of self hatred It always colors itself as them hating you. You feel too scared to reach out You miss them, but you've missed plenty of people before. If you don't talk to them, don't contact them, it's not like it'll make a difference The world keeps spinning, seasons change the tapestry surrounding you, nothing stops moving They won't hurt for your loss, they can't. You believe it, fully You hurt for their absence, you always get like this, talk yourself out of being worthy of contact Talk yourself out of feeling worthy of care You sink Work, eat, sleep, repeat If you don't do anything else you don't have time to mess up If you keep moving, you don't have time to think Keep busy, disappear into your work Hell, you need the money, it's easy to just go missing from the world Your life narrows Work, sleep, repeat Sometimes you cry, sometimes you read You pick up a pencil just to put it back down Your world shrinks Work, repeat ... Your world collapses You get up You do better You reach out You smile You laugh You try again Repeat
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