Every week I ask the participants of my sex and desire group to name their top unfilled fantasy and every week half of them blurt out, “A threesome!” But, how to have a threesome that is successful? That is the question.Â
Ah, yes… the ménage a trois. That mystical yet intimidating experience with twelve limbs and multiplying genitalia that not only involves more fingers than you know what to do with—but also triple the feelings to get hurt.
But take heart, adventurous soul. You don’t need to navigate the elusive three-way (or more-way!) in the dark. To find out what makes a great threesome, we interviewed a group of seasoned Sand Francisco Bay Area sex explorers. Here’s their advice on how to be sure your next group experience not only offers triple the pleasure but also leaves all those hearts and limbs intact.
Nothing sucks more than sitting on the sidelines watching two naked people go at it while you wanly wait for your turn. According to Dante H., a seasoned triad explorer and polyamorist from Oakland, CA, the spirit of inclusion ranks as the most important aspect of a successful threesome.
“Exclusion or excessive focus on one participant will typically lead to disappointment, lack of fulfillment, or even resentment,”
Be sure that everyone gets the goods in your group—otherwise you’ll be using that Kleenex to wipe up tears rather than wiping up… well, you know.
Putting attention on one person at a time helps focus the sex in a threesome—and makes it easier to manage all those legs. Experienced group players enjoy putting one participant “in the middle” and focusing all mouth, finger, and genital attention on them.
“It gives some structure to the experience,” says Mandy B, a women’s sex educator also from Oakland. “It’s a good place to start a threesome. It helps everyone get warmed up.”
Be sure to spread the love around by rotating who is on the giving and the receiving end of all that delicious attention.
DO Ask for What You Want!
Always wanted to be blindfolded while one man sucks your toes and another your nipples? Ever seen a woman suck two cocks at once? Now is your chance! Sharing a fantasy is a great way to start a threesome. Initiate a discussion before you start playing to let your two mates know what turns you on.
And be prepared to make adjustments mid-flight. Even the most experienced lovers can’t read minds. “Asking for what you want dramatically increases your chances of getting it,” says Mandy. “So speak up!”
DO Follow the Golden Rule
Most great threesomes succeed with a healthy dose of wanting everyone to get off and feel great. It’s the most erotic case of Do Unto Others we’ve ever heard about. According to Dante,
“If everyone involved genuinely wants everyone else to have a good time, and is actively committed to making it so, then the threesome is sure to go well.”
Be on the lookout for competition and jealousy. Instead practice being generous, curious, and giving. The best way to get off in a threesome is when everyone is having a great time.
Like in paired sex, having a rigid agenda is one of the quickest ways to kill the mood. “In a threesome, it’s even more important that everyone stay open and curious about what wants to happen,” Mandy says.
“The best threesomes I’ve been in have been spontaneous and almost surprising.”
Cultivate that element of surprise by treating your threesome less like a risqué novelty to tell your buddies about when you’re done and more like great sex—which requires presence, connection, and following the highest level of sensation.
DON’T Be Critical of Yourself
You’ve been dying to have a threesome your entire life. Now you’re finally staring two pairs of breasts in the face—and you freeze. “Being nervous during a threesome is perfectly normal—expected, even,” Dante says.
Remember to take your time and be easy on yourself. Performance anxiety can ramp up two-fold when you’ve got two cocks to suck, not just one.
Choose playmates with whom you have positive relationships. Allow yourself to experiment.
Group sex is a different skill than paired sex. There will be a learning curve.
DO Be Clear About Your Boundaries
Which genders are you willing to play with? What are your safer sex practices? Are any sex acts off the table? Be sure to know your own boundaries for yourself first—then communicate them clearly with your triumvirate. If you’re not clear, talk with your playmates before you jump into sex.
While it’s helpful for at least one of the players to be bi or bi-curious, it’s not a necessity. “I’ve enjoyed plenty of great threesomes with two men who weren’t willing to touch each other but were more than willing to touch me,” says Mandy. Knowing your boundaries and communicating them helps clarify what delicious options are on the table.Â
DON’T Ignore Your Feelings
A threesome can be an infinite playground with extra monkey bars—or a love triangle in the making. If something feels off, you’re feeling left out, or your feelings get hurt don’t soldier on like a good little sex slave (unless that’s part of your agreed-upon scene, of course).
Most people interested in group sex are also interested in exploring connection.
Taking the time to share your hurt feelings can actually deepen the intimacy—especially if you use those feelings to get clearer on what you want and ask for it.
Regardless of what happens during your next group sex experience, remember—you’re in a threesome!!! You made it this far. No matter what happens, it is an awesome experience and one to celebrate. You’re entering an infinite playground where the possibilities just skyrocketed. Be sure to have fun and enjoy yourself!
If you’re joining an established couple:
Many couples want to spice up their sex or fulfil a fantasy by inviting a third into their bed. If you find yourself in this happy position, keep in mind that following the threesome Do’s and Don’ts becomes even more important. Add these tips to your repertoire for the 2 + 1 scenario:
– Be on good terms with both members of the couple.
– Join a couple that is well established and uses a communication style that works for you.
– Be attracted to at least one member of the couple
– No trying to break up the couple allowed!
– Get clear about what the couple is looking for (Does he want to stay clothed, and just watch you two go at it? Is she hoping for double penetration?). Make sure you’re all on the same page.
Most of all, enjoy yourself!
Share some fun…  Â
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